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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Remembering with love all our departed brothers and sisters  The angel inside us.

247 replies

dejavuaswell · 19/01/2011 09:04

My sister Jane died on 24th October 1992. We never knew exactly how she came to crash her car. There was no proof that there was any other vehicle involved but it was very hard to explain what happened unless she swerved to avoid something.

Jane was the youngest of 5 (4 girls and a boy). She died in a road accident 15 months after she graduated. She was closest, chronologically, emotionally and tempermentally to my brother. My older sister, the secular one, has always kept a picture of Jane on her bedside table and my younger sister, the religious one, puts everything down to God?s Will and seems to think of Jane as the lucky one for being in Heaven before the rest of us.

After many years of hardly mourning her death Christmas 2010 was really difficult for me. I had such strong images of her lying cold and alone in the cemetery wondering where the rest of the family and her boyfriend were that it has made me really tearful and spoilt Christmas 100%.

When I think about all that happened in my life since Jane died it seems so unfair that she died before marriage and parenthood and before she could make proper use of her hard-won degree.

This thread follows on from this very moving one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/641812-For-Jonny-and-all-our-darling-departed-sisters-and-brothers

OP posts:

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Hunkerbunker2 · 23/04/2011 08:47

I got back from South Africa yesterday with very, very mixed feelings. I was very pleased to see Diane's grave after so long and I made two visits (one right at the start of the trip and one on my last full day in Durban) to see it. But leaving the grave the second time was very emotional because I know in my heart that I am unlikely to travel to South Africa again. I found the 16 days I was away very tiring, especially the flights, and towards the end I was flagging and not enjoying myself very much.

Diane's former husband and his family made me feel welcome but "my former wife's sister" as I was to him is a bit of a remote relationship. It was obvious that there was rather more to Diane's death than I had ever been told but there never seemed to be a suitable moment to probe a bit more deeply. I will have to think what to do.

shabbapinkfrog · 23/04/2011 08:55

Sorry to jump into your special thread. Please forgive me.

Evansmummy - I had a similar amnio test with DS4 - I decided that no matter what I was going to keep him and fight his corner. He is 13 now, he didn't have DS but, to be honest, I would have loved him no matter what. I hope everything works out for you. Just wanted you to know that Im thinking about you xxx

Im so sorry for all your losses - My DS1 still struggles at times (he is almost 30) with the loss of his twin brother (at 7 months) and his little brothers death (at 7 years) ten years afterwards. He has separation anxiety and spends most of his days worrying about his little lad who is almost 3. My heart goes out to you all and I wanted to send my love. xx

henrysmate · 23/04/2011 10:26

thinking of you evansmummy xx

evansmummy · 24/04/2011 20:59

hunker, sounds like mixed emotions for you on your trip. Can you try an email or letter to your sister's husband?

shabba, how nice to hear from you! I just don't know what to feel at the moment. I'd like to be as sure as you were about 'fighting his corner' but then all sorts of considerations come into play and cloud the issue for me. It's swirling around my head pointlessly because we can't do anything until we get the results back which is weeks away!

Thanks henrysmate. I appreciate it. How are you and the boys?

Anyways, you're all never far from my thoughts.

evansmummy · 26/04/2011 21:19

Had CVS today. Just couldn't wait any longer so decided to go for it. Results should be in by the weekend.

cyteen, I don't know if you are still around, but, in spite of the scary day I've had, I have been thinking of you today. In fact you were my second thought of the day (right after the obvious worry!). Hope your day has been peaceful xx

evansmummy · 28/04/2011 16:11

Just got my results back - got the all clear! I am so relieved...

Hunkerbunker2 · 30/04/2011 10:51

I haven't decided what to do about the unanswered questions about Diane's death. I would have liked to have seen a death certificate and to have read the post mortem report but if BiL "doesn't have them any more" there isn't much I can do. I have got a photo of Diane on display and some copies of photos from her life in South Africa to remember her by and I suppose I will have to be content with that.

madworld2 · 30/04/2011 18:43

So pleased for you Evansmummy.

evansmummy · 01/05/2011 11:25

Hunker, if you really want to know, you have a right to. If bil doesn't have them, or doesn't want to give them to you, you can contact the hospital. On the other hand, sometimes it's better not knowing. We've had to come to terms with a lot of not knowing. Sometimes it bugs me, I want to know all the details, and then sometimes I think it might be easier as finding out something horrible would be a real set back. I would understand either decision and whatever you decide to do, will virtually support you as much/little as you need.

madworld, thanks, it's a weight off my mind to say the least!

caffeineaddict · 01/05/2011 22:43

Hi Evansmummy WhooHoo! x
Hunkerbunker, thinking of you too.

Hunkerbunker2 · 03/05/2011 10:57

I have decided not to make waves by asking more questions about Diane's death. Its too long ago and in the very unlikely event that something sinister did happen it would be almost impossible to get people to take my concerns seriously. Especially as I don't even live in South Africa. Perhaps I should have done more at the time?

madworld78 · 04/05/2011 09:53

Well its the 1st anniv of sister's death today. It has come around so quickly. Also so much sadness in between. Really need something to focus on today.
(Must stop namechanging!)

evansmummy · 04/05/2011 14:46

madworld, I'm thinking of you today. How do you feel about focusing pn your sister today? Find some happy memories, write them down, or write her a letter. I have a notebook full of letters to my brother! Go for a walk and think about her. Somewhere where it doesn't matter if you cry.

Sneding you strength and peace for today xx

madworld78 · 04/05/2011 14:58

Thank you Evansmummy. It funny but I have been thinking alot about some happy memories I had over last weekend and sharing them with dc.

evansmummy · 04/05/2011 16:15

That's good, madworld! I am really happy to hear you are able to share good memories with your children. It can be hard to remember the good times, so it makes me smile to hear you're doing that! I'll be thinking of you for the rest of the day.

madworld78 · 04/05/2011 17:46

Thank you.

henrysmate · 04/05/2011 22:39

So happy to see your news evansmummy, thanks for keeping us posted. We're muddling through I think, had a bit of a tough week a few weeks ago, but the boys seem to spring back up so much more quickly than I can. They keep me going :)

And also very happy for you too Hunkerbunker2, I think it's a step towards peace for you, this time you're in control of the decision and that's very different to how it was. You do have more than the photos to remember Diane by, certificates from people you'll never meet aren't fitting memetos of someone as dear as a sister anyway.

evansmummy · 05/05/2011 09:00

Hunkerbunker, henrysmate is right. The details aren't as important as remembering what a special person your sister was. There's no point in having regrets either - you can't change anything now. I hope your decision has brought you some peace.

Thanks, henrysmate. And I'm pleased to hear those boys are pulling you along. Kids deal with grief much better than we do - they sad but can compartmentalize better and in that way get on with life. We as adults have so much baggage that makes it harder fo us to do that. You sound very positive.

shelleylou · 08/05/2011 13:42

evansmummy so pleased your result came back clear.
Home00 welcome to this wonderful thread. It has brought me much support since my brothers death in 2009.
I second grief playing up with hormones. I've been very teary lately which i know is a bit of both. Im expecting DC2 in October so it will definitely be a bittersweet month for me.

dejavuaswell · 12/05/2011 18:56

I was in Shrewsbury with friends yesterday and I saw a young lady shopping who looked so like my late sister looks in her graduation photos that it almost scared me.

I seem to be muddling along and not really at peace with my regrets and thoughts of what might have been.

OP posts:

evansmummy · 13/05/2011 10:55

That same thing jsut happened to me, deja. Saw a man that looked just like Jonny walking up my road. Same walk and everything.

Have you tried any counselling? Maybe talking about how you feel might help?

shabbapinkfrog · 17/05/2011 22:37

Evansmummy just came to lurk to check how you are all doing. Saw that you got the all clear - I am totally and utterly delighted for you xxxxx Sending my love and thoughts xx

evansmummy · 18/05/2011 10:01

Thanks shabba. The rapid results were fine, but we are still waiting on the final confirmation - apparently the cultures are growing slowly. It's making me very nervous. Thanks for remembering me xx

Hunkerbunker2 · 23/05/2011 14:07

I don't know why but I'm feeling down in the dumps today. I am the last survivor of my branch of the family (I'm 64) and like other people in my situation there doesn't seem much to look forward to. Technically I am still married but as I haven't seen or heard from him for over 20 years except via solicitors he hardly counts. Grey and dull outside and grey and dull inside me.

evansmummy · 23/05/2011 20:43

Oh Hunkerbunker, you poor thing. You don't need to have a reason for being down. Some days are just like that. I think you are very brave - a long trip over the other side of the world in tricky circumstances and a new chapter of your life on top of a bereavement, however old, and you are still standing.

I think it's normal to have those kinds of feelings when you start your retirement. Have you some plans for your time now?

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