My sister Jane died on 24th October 1992. We never knew exactly how she came to crash her car. There was no proof that there was any other vehicle involved but it was very hard to explain what happened unless she swerved to avoid something.
Jane was the youngest of 5 (4 girls and a boy). She died in a road accident 15 months after she graduated. She was closest, chronologically, emotionally and tempermentally to my brother. My older sister, the secular one, has always kept a picture of Jane on her bedside table and my younger sister, the religious one, puts everything down to God?s Will and seems to think of Jane as the lucky one for being in Heaven before the rest of us.
After many years of hardly mourning her death Christmas 2010 was really difficult for me. I had such strong images of her lying cold and alone in the cemetery wondering where the rest of the family and her boyfriend were that it has made me really tearful and spoilt Christmas 100%.
When I think about all that happened in my life since Jane died it seems so unfair that she died before marriage and parenthood and before she could make proper use of her hard-won degree.
This thread follows on from this very moving one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/641812-For-Jonny-and-all-our-darling-departed-sisters-and-brothers
Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.
Bereavement
Remembering with love all our departed brothers and sisters – “The angel inside us”.
dejavuaswell · 19/01/2011 09:04
It's horrible having such a wait for the funeral, and it must have been a release of some sort afterwards. We had a 2 1/2 week wait for my brother's funeral and then over a year until all of him could be interred, so I know some of how you feel. I'm glad you are able to support your bil, and vice versa. Poor guy, with three young girls, he's lucky to have you not too too far away. It's so important in the early days to have someone to talk to, someone who knew your sister well and can be close to you. I hope that continues.
I hope work is going ok for you today. You are very brave. If it doesn't work, you can always take more time off - will your work be understanding? I had 3 1/2 months off! And then quit that job not long after that, I found it very hard to go back to 'normality'. I really hope it'll be good for you, though, you know yourself best, listen to your body and do what it tells you!
If you want to tell us about your sister at any point, feel free. We have all shared memories along the way (the original siblings thread was started three years ago) and it can be helpful for people replying to know about you, your sister and your relationship. But only if you want to - there's no pressure to do anything 
.
Thinking of you today.
Man, the number of times I wanted to phone my brother and then realised I couldn't... I'm sure work will be fine, you can't do anything about poorly kids.
You can still talk to your sister. She just might not be so good at replying now .
I bet people have left a lot of lovely messages on her fb? It's comforting and incredibly depressing at the same time. We also had photos from my brother's uni friends (he was only 24 when he died) posted on there that we'd never seen. It'll be something you'll be able to come back to in the future, and hopefully one day it won't always be quite so sad.
In the meantime though, keep taking one day at a time. You sound like you're doing well so far, though that's never easy to tell over the internet!Do you have a partner and/or close friend who is supporting you?
Well, you obv have great taste in names then 
.
That sounds like a fab idea, getting her comments and some photos from fb, and her kids will appreciate that one day. They don't close the account - in fact, we asked for Jonny's fb page to be closed and were told it 'wasn't their practise to close fb pages'. Probably if we'd pursued it we could have had it closed but he had disabled his Wall and we just left it. We opened another page for us and his mates to write and post stuff and even now I still check regularly and post from time to time. It sounds naff but it's a way of keeping him alive. It still makes me cry to read it now, you're right it is horrible cos it makes what you've lost all the more apparent. I'm still glad it's there though.
It is horrible when the messages slow down, and what really annoys me now is that people post 'Happy Birthday' on there when they get a fb birthday reminder, and then don't post anything the rest of the year 
. There are a core of his friends who still post regularly, maybe once every couple months, but it is sad to think that even they will eventually move on.
Glad to hear you've got support from your friends. Will you be able to get to see your parents often? Are you close to them, relationship speaking? Have you been able to talk about your sister with them? I can thoroughly recommend Cruse, when you are ready. They were amazing for me, for about a year, and I don't know what I would have done without them. There's no time limit though, you do it when it feels like the right time. If you're a person who likes to talk things through, then it really is the best kind of help you can get.
mumfie, thanks for coming back and posting again, and I'm glad you're glad you found us . As we always say, we're sorry you have to be here but it is one of the only places where you know you won't be judged.
Anger, regret, questions are things we've all been through, whatever the circumstances we've found ourselves in. It's a normal part of grieving. Getting it out really can help to make sense of it, because there's often someone who will have felt the same thing. So posting here or talking rhough counselling is a really helpful way of dealing with stuff. We've had mixed results with counselling on these threads, but if it's something you might be interested in at whatever point, I can recommend CRUSE, they were a lifesaver for me.
As you say, with so much swirling around your head, now is not such a great time to make decisions. Even though the relationship with your mum sounds difficult (at the very least!), hopefully with a bit of time you'll see things more clearly and will be better able to deal with her, much like winetime has.
Wine and smoking were my big 'crutch' for a long time too. In fact up until I fell pregnant in February of this year I was still drinking to numb the pain. As winetime says, that pain doesn't ever seem to go away, and sometimes still does rear its head and catch you by surprise. Don't worry for now about the wine, someone said to me on the very first thread that I started two weeks after my brother died, that you do whatever feels right at any given moment. That still holds true in some ways. Someone also says that you never 'get over it' (and I hate it when well-meaning people way things like 'one day you'll get over this') but you do eventually learn to live with it. It takes time though. Be gentle with yourself, and keep coming back if you need/want to. We'll be here!
I'm having a better morning. I think posting here has released some of the pressure, I like talking online as I don't have to see people's reactions; I don't read people very well so I find it hard sometimes. I'm going to regroup for a bit and enjoy the peace, but I'll be back 
Thanks again 
(I love the new smileys, I left just after the biscuit arrived but I think wine is better).
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