Remembering with love all our departed brothers and sisters – “The angel inside us”.

[dejavuaswell]

My sister Jane died on 24th October 1992. We never knew exactly how she came to crash her car. There was no proof that there was any other vehicle involved but it was very hard to explain what happened unless she swerved to avoid something.

Jane was the youngest of 5 (4 girls and a boy). She died in a road accident 15 months after she graduated. She was closest, chronologically, emotionally and tempermentally to my brother. My older sister, the secular one, has always kept a picture of Jane on her bedside table and my younger sister, the religious one, puts everything down to God?s Will and seems to think of Jane as the lucky one for being in Heaven before the rest of us.

After many years of hardly mourning her death Christmas 2010 was really difficult for me. I had such strong images of her lying cold and alone in the cemetery wondering where the rest of the family and her boyfriend were that it has made me really tearful and spoilt Christmas 100%.

When I think about all that happened in my life since Jane died it seems so unfair that she died before marriage and parenthood and before she could make proper use of her hard-won degree.

This thread follows on from this very moving one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/641812-For-Jonny-and-all-our-darling-departed-sisters-and-brothers

[caffeineaddict]

Grim. When is it, Shelleylou?

[shelleylou]

Its on monday which is why i really had to go and pay for the wreath yesterday all sorted now though. Will be going with my dp, db and sil so well help each other

[purepurple]

I have read this thread a couple of times and have now decided to post.

Hello everyone, so sad to have to post here but sharing does help.
My brother Graham died on 30th October 1988 (birthday 26th January) in a car accident. He was 17. That morning I had just done a positive pregnancy test for our first child. He has my brother's name as his middle name. I can't believe that he has been dead longer than he was alive. Life is so cruel sometimes.

[shelleylou]

Welcome purepurple. I am sorry to hear about your brother. I know how awful a road crash can be. My 22 year old brother was killed in 1 in 2009. I think thats such a lovely gesture. I've said since my db's death if i have another boy he is having db's name in his somewhere. I think its very sweet way to keep their memory alive

[evansmummy]

Hi all.

Shelley, so sorry to hear about your friend. I guess every death is gonna trigger memories, it's kind of inevitable. Another step on the journey.

Purepurple, thanks for posting, and as we always say, sorry you need to. I'm another who's brother died in a RTA, in May 2008. How great that your son has his name, as shelley said, it's a beautiful tribute to your brother. Do you have any other siblings? I hope you don't mind me asking, but what's it feel like after so many years? I often wonder how I'll feel in 5, 10, 20 years... Tell me to mind my own if you think I'm prying though

[purepurple]

Thank you both. I am the eldest and have a brother and a sister, who is the youngest. I feel that life has changed forever. We were very close as children, there is only 7 years between me and my sister. I still feel as if I am incomplete, we were 4, now we are only 3. I have learnt to live with it and it does get easier but it is always there, just under the surface. Lots of things remind me, not least of all DS who is the spitting image of my brother.
I have also had to deal with my mum dying in 1999, which strangely, although hard because of what I had been through already, did not hurt in the same way. I don't know if that makes any sense.

[Hunkerbunker2]

Feeling incomplete is just how I feel. Diane died 10 years ago and now I don't have any surviving siblings or parents. And I am only middle-aged (64)!

[evansmummy]

I guess I'm afraid of feeling like that too. There's always something missing, nothing ever feels quite right. It helps to know that's normal, though, and that others have the same feeling. I remember right after my brother died, people said it would get easier, and I really felt like I didn't want to stop missing him. I still don't want to. And I don't particularly want it to be any easier. Why should it be?

Thanks both of you for posting.

[caffeineaddict]

Just a quick message to shellylou hoping that you get through tomorrow's funeral as well as you can . And welcome new posters x

[shelleylou]

Thank you caffiene. Barely slept last night between that and ds not being well, Got sooo much to do today befor i can even think of leaving for the funeral

[evansmummy]

shelley, thinking of you today. Hope it goes as well as it can.

[shelleylou]

Thank you evansmummy. I was just getting sorted to leave mine as ds was collected earlier than planned due to me needing to leave earlier than originally thought. It was a lovely service the song chosen to go into was played when i last saw him and ive listened to it a lot

[evansmummy]

Today Jonny would be 27. It annoys me that people are writing 'Happy Birthday' on his facebook wall, as if he were celebrating today or something. What's to celebrate? He's not here...

[purepurple]

Evansmummy, that does seem a bit weird. I suppose people just want to mark his birthday in some way, maybe.

[evansmummy]

I know, I want to mark it too. My parents are over at the moment and we are going out for Chinese later - a family tradition for birthdays since the dawn of time! You can mark it without saying something crass, though. It's not a happy birthday. Sorry, I'm just being grumpy.

[caffeineaddict]

Evansmummy you are allowed to be grumpy. I would snarl at anyone writing 'Happy Birthday' too. I hope you have as good an evening as you can. (BTW, A friend of mine suggested that my sister's death was a useful experience for my thee children because it taught them about life/death. I, robustly and spectacularly grumpily, reminded the friend that my sister was not a hamster ) x

[evansmummy]

Thanks caffeine. I have taken full advantage of my right to be grumpy today . And tomorrow's a new day.

[evansmummy]

Don't know if you're still lurking, MissM, but if so, thinking of you today. xx

[caffeineaddict]

Yes Miss M, hope you lurk at least to know that we're with you x

[henrysmate]

Hello everyone, it's been said before but quite rightly, so sad to post here, but so glad to find you.

My wonderful sister Fran died on September 11th 2010. She had cancer for the last 4 years and left 3 completely amazing boys. She was loving and kind, glamourous and, it has to be said, away with the bloody fairies most of the time. I loved her so much. She was 5 years older than me, so brave and, for such a total airhead, incredibly wise, she really read people so well. Even though I knew she was ill, I never really imagined life without her.

I hope you're OK shellylou and that the music is still comforting you.
Evansmummy, if anyone says happy bloody birthday to Fran this year on FB I'll tear them a new one, how insensitive.

[shelleylou]

hi henrysmate. Fran sounds such a wonderful person it is easy to see she would have had a huge impact on people.

Such a strange coincidence i was listening to the song db and i were singin the day our db was killed. It just popped into our heads. Just as i read your post.. It does bring me comfort as the lyrics in the chorus are still very much true and quite like my db.

I have visions of my db elcoming my friend and them fishing, playing about on motorbikes, (dbs passion) and partying..

[evansmummy]

shelley, those sound like some very positive thoughts - I'm really happy that youve got those. You've come a long way.

henrysmate, most people just don't think, or don't know what to say, so invariably end up saying the wrong thing. That or else nothing at all. So I guess a happy birthday is better than nothing. However, what with fb birthday reminders n all, it doesn't really mean a lot, does it?! So sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us. How old was your sister? Do you have any other siblings? How are your nephews living with it? And you? Sorry, lots of questions, but I am a nosey parker .

[shelleylou]

i dont feel like it at times. I had someone staring closely at my tattoo in dbs memory today as i was havin my blood pressure taken she asked what ti was about. So i explained it was for my brother n his year of birth and death. Then had the dreaded question.. what happened so i explained... then caught sight of my other tattoo on that arm (starting to sound like a tattooed lady) and i explained db was the inspiration for that n its for me and my 2 db's

[henrysmate]

Hi again evansmummy - you're much nicer than I am I think, but I suspect you're right, they mean no harm do they?

And to answer your questions, Fran was 48, we have another brother, he's a bit younger than me and is off travelling somewhere; I'm pretty sure he's in Israel at the moment but he'll be back in April for a month and we'll hear all about it then. The boys live with me now, we're, um, coping I believe the word is. Everything is completely new to all of us (we don't have any other kids) so it's just one day at a time really. From what I've been reading about grief though, it would seem I'm at the Angry Phase, I'm bloody furious at everything - I'm hoping this will pass soon, it's not nice. It's so stupid and so obvious, but I just miss her so bloody much.

I'm glad you're finding comfort somewhere shelley - it gives me some hope so thanks for that xx

[Hunkerbunker2]

My employer needed to shed staff ... I expect you can guess the rest! They made me quite a good offer (I'm 64) so yesterday was my last work day although I get paid to the end of the month with untaken holiday.

The good news is that I am going to South Africa in 2 weeks time and I will be able to see my sisters grave for the first time. I will be away for a 16 days in total staying for part of the time with Diane's former husband in Durban.