Remembering with love all our departed brothers and sisters – “The angel inside us”.

[dejavuaswell]

My sister Jane died on 24th October 1992. We never knew exactly how she came to crash her car. There was no proof that there was any other vehicle involved but it was very hard to explain what happened unless she swerved to avoid something.

Jane was the youngest of 5 (4 girls and a boy). She died in a road accident 15 months after she graduated. She was closest, chronologically, emotionally and tempermentally to my brother. My older sister, the secular one, has always kept a picture of Jane on her bedside table and my younger sister, the religious one, puts everything down to God?s Will and seems to think of Jane as the lucky one for being in Heaven before the rest of us.

After many years of hardly mourning her death Christmas 2010 was really difficult for me. I had such strong images of her lying cold and alone in the cemetery wondering where the rest of the family and her boyfriend were that it has made me really tearful and spoilt Christmas 100%.

When I think about all that happened in my life since Jane died it seems so unfair that she died before marriage and parenthood and before she could make proper use of her hard-won degree.

This thread follows on from this very moving one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/641812-For-Jonny-and-all-our-darling-departed-sisters-and-brothers

I've sorted out some voluntry sector involvement and I have the various groups I been a member of for years but none of this seems, at the moment, to make up for having no family left. My finances are OK as is my bodily health so I don't know why I'm feeling miserable. But there is no getting away from the fact that miserable is what I am.

Do you think it's to do with your sister? I know that bereavement makes us face up to our own mortality, and perhaps now that you are not working, and you have visited your sister's grave, those feelings are (re)surfacing? Have you thought about bereavement counselling?

I think I might need to think about bereavement counselling. It is available near to where I live although I don't know what is involved.

Try CRUSE 0844 4779400 or website here. I had counselling from them after my brother died and it was invaluable. It is talking therapy so the counsellor assigned to you will just encourage you to talk about how you feel and help you to come to some understanding of why you feel that way as well as find some things that might help. I really can't recommend it enough. It is one of those things though where you have to build up your courage and just do it! Good luck, let me know what you decide.

Just to say am thinking about you HB2, It sounds really tough for you at the moment

I went to bereavement counselling on Friday and I have started to explore my feelings. I think what has happened is three different unhappinesses have come together and while I might have coped with some of them all three is just too much. The unanswered questions about my sister's death, the long, long separation from my husband (Catholics cannot divorce) and not being able to have children have all left me with no family to share things with.

Hunker, I'm really pleased to hear you have started counselling and I really hope it helps you. Having that neutral person to talk to and help sort through things was a life saver for me and hope it will start you taking small steps on the road to acceptance.

The 3rd anniversary of Jonathan's death was last Monday. It was a very sad day, preceeded by 5 other very sad days as I ran through in my mind all that time in hospital before he died. I was surprised at how much it still hurts when I let it, and realise that much of the time, I bury it away. I'm not sure how good/bad that is, but it's my way of coping, I guess. I missed the booze and fags ! I was also disappointed that hardly any of my friends remembered/acknowledged it including dh (the rotter), and only three of his friends posted on his fb wall. I guess people move on.

PS I've had a name change, I am actually em!)

I promised myself I would wait 6 months before posting again and here I am.

The baby - a son for sure - is due any day now. My DW is like a balloon waiting to go pop!

It seem like just the blink of eye since my twin sister Caroline died but it will soon be 2 years. I was up at the cemetery this last weekend and I gave the stone a good clean.

I always run my fingers along the text I had engraved on her stone. It was what she wrote to me during her final illness. "Remember in the dark days you are going through that I will love you for ever and ever and I will wait here quietly for you to come to me. Your loving twin Caroline XXX"

Rest in peace Caroline and go in peace all those reading this note.

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died April 26th 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday March 9th, died October 17th 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): twin sister Caroline, birthday September 29th, died August 27th 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died October 19th 2009.

Most of the regulars seemed to have disappeared from this thread. Hello ...., hello.....?

I'm trying to fill my life with volunteer work but what I really need is a family to share things with and that is the one thing I cannot have.

Hi Hunkerbunker
I am here, though less frequently, as now coping with dying father. He's very elderly, and while this is truly awful, it's not the gut wrenching horror of losing a sibling before her time. Just wanted to say hello to you - and others- and send you warm thoughts. x

hello hunker im still here. Been without internet and been very hormal with the arrival of DS2. He is due between the annviersairy of my brothers death and funeral so the end of October is going to be a very emotional time for me and my family. I decided a while ago if i had another son it would have his uncles name for a middle name. This is still the case just need to speak to my parents and see if they are ok with the idea. Its really hard to find the 'right' time if that makes sense. I found out it was a boy before DB's birthday and haven't made any mention of the name yet. I've still got time before he needs to be named but dont want to leave it too long. Thinking of you all

It has been a month since I posted. Sorry about that. Most of the time I've been without any internet access thanks to BT and the next door neighbour's builders who damaged the phone line at least twice.

I have been invited to go out to South Africa again but this time on a long-term basis. I really might go because the person I thought might become my civil partner has moved out, moved on and moved away.

I still miss my sister each and everyday.

Not of course that it could ever be a proper as in legal, civil partner because in the eyes of the State my husband and I are still married.

I had no idea that it had been so long since I posted or visited Mumsnet.

And I am still sad about my sister Jane? You bet I am. But life goes on, minor and major events seem to go from "due next month" to "happening" to "was that really six weeks ago?" in an endless rush.

I can see some old names are still posting (hello to them) and some new people are finding us, although I wish, if you see what I mean, that they didn't need to.

What is a bit sad is the names who used to post but don't need or want to anymore. Perhaps people here had started to think I was one of them? Looking at the list of dates at the top of the thread reminds me that the next sad anniversary is Binary's twin sister Caroline. he only posts very rarely. (Waves at him!!)

Anyway I will lurk for a few days just to see what's going on.

I was lucky enough to find support here at a very difficult time in my life. I will always be grateful to some of the regular posters who spent time with me. But it seems as if they have been able to move on or perhaps they have decided that Mumsnet isn't where they need (or want) to be at their current point in the grieving cycle. Perhaps they lurk and are strong-willed enough to just do that without bursting into print. Weak as ever I feel I either have to post here or stay away. No sensible middle route for me.

So I think I am going to have to say goodbye (again). We have all been given a difficult path to tread and I really hope you manage to find the peace that so far has escaped me. Good luck to you all.

Bye!

My twin sister Caroline died 2 years ago tomorrow. May she rest in peace.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow, Binary. May you find some peace too. x

Hey all (it's evansmummy btw). I had no idea people were still posting on here. After my last post I kept checking and checking and there were never any replies so I presumed everyone had moved on. Sorry for not replying to the more recent posts, had I known they were here, I would have.

Binary, how was yesterday for you? Did you mark the day somehow? Good luck with your new little one when he (or maybe she?!) arrives.

Hunker, SA sounds like it could be a good idea. How long term? Would you then think about broaching some of those difficult questions with your sister's husband?

deja, I think I know how you feel. Life catches up and takes over but if you ever give yourself time to stop and think, the sadness is still there.

shelley, how's the bump? I think your brother's name as a middle name is a great idea, I'd do the same only ds1 doesn't have a midle name and it would be weird to have one with and one without, so I have had to let the idea go. I don't se why your mum would have a problem, it's way of remembering her son in future generations. Hope you find that 'right time' and that she is responsive.

I've finished my studies, it has taken up a lot of my time and energy over the last year which has been a good thing. I got a first for m English/French degree and am super proud of my self . I know Jonny would have been too. I'm hormonal as well, baby due about the same time as shelley's, around the end of October. I'm trying not to think most of the time because if I do the tears come easily and I'm afraid I won't be able to stop them.

As ever, even if I don't post I think of you all often, including the original posters. As deja said, this place was a godsend for me and those people that walked the path with me for however long or short a time were a lifeline. I will never forget you xx

Hello Lookout.
I thought I was moving forward because I was in a relationship and making the first moves towards divorcing my husband who deserted me 2 decades ago. But they say there is no fool like an old fool (I'm in my 60's) and it all went wrong. The lady I hoped might become my civil partner has moved out, moved on and moved away. South Africa will be a fresh start. England is just where I live. I don't feel part of it, I'm just the lonely old lady who lives at number 23.

Hey Hunker

Sounds like you're having a rough time of it . So I'm not surprised you are seriously considering SA. Don't think you're a fool. It's not your fault. You can still carry on with your divorce plans, it may help you leave the past where it should be - behind you. I'm sorry to hear about your partner too. I hope you find some comfort in planning a move to SA, as you say a new start may be just what you need.

Thinking of you.

Monday was a bad day. I'm not usually so downhearted. I am seeing a solicitor this week about a divorce. 20 years living apart is surely enough grounds on its own? I don't know where his lives but I do have full details of his solicitor who deal with all exchanges of letters or documents that we both need to sign.

That sounds like a positive step to me. How's retirement treating you?

Retirement has been fair enough. My health and my finances are fine but I miss the social side of working and the purpose and focus it gave me.

Instead of writing to my husbands solicitor in Carlisle I phoned them because it makes things quicker and it is about time I did something decisive about getting a divorce.

I left a message with the receptionist and the solicitor phoned back within a hour. They are going to contact my husband and will then write to me. It is a relief in some ways to have taken the first step, of many, towards sorting this problem out.

I last saw my husband in December 1990 at Northampton Bus Station - the one under the shopping centre - he went north, I went west with just a casual goodbye and four dry eyes.

That's sad Hunker. But at the same time, I know divorces/separations that have been awfully acrimonious. I'm not sure if one is better than the other though, either way, it's sad. I hope the divorce process will help you move on after all this time, you do sometimes sound like you've got one foot in the past?

You need a new focus. A move perhaps?