Any suitable bereavement groups for me?

[missdisorganised1]

I am 18 but feel older. My Mum and Dad died 11 months ago so I went to live with my Nan and Granddad until I was 18. I am back in the family home now, still at school and managing (a bit hand-to-mouth) on the living allowance given out by the trustees of Mum and Dads estate.

Are there any suitable bereavement groups for my age?. There seems to be stuff for the under 18's and I once visited an adult group with Nam where I was the youngest by 20 years.

I would like to talk to people more my own age but I see school friends eyes start to glaze over if I answer "How are you?" truthfully.

Wow well done MissD. I was thinking of you yesterday and wondering how you had got on. What fantastic news.

I hope you are having a great night out.

Wishing you every success and happiness at Uni. You deserve it!

MissD can I add myself to the list of people who are really pleased but probably a bit tearful at your news. You have coped with things that no youngster should have to face and come through to a triumph. Can I ask you one thing? Please don't stop posting, even if it is only a few lines once a month. I'm sure people would like to keep up with how things are going for you.

I hope your grandparents were proud MissD and that you do not have a hangover

I agree with dejavu, please don't stop posting missd, we want to know how you're getting on!

Your virtual mums will still be here for you if you need us.

P.s. hope you had a good night celebrating.

Now I am going to university there is so much to do before the Induction week (September 19th)! I'm renting out Mum and Dad's home because I need the money. This means living with Nan and Granddad during the holidays which isn't ideal for them or me. The Estate Agent has been round again and the renting family are wanting to move in the week before I depart so I will have to work round that. One room will have a lock put on it and some of my stuff plus some of Mum and Dad's that I didn't want to part with will be stored in there.

MIss, I have followed this thread pretty much from the start. I haven't posted before as to be honest, I haven't really known what to say to you ( that's a first many would say!). But I couldn't let your amazing achievement go by without sending you my warmest congratulations. I have the utmost admiration for you - you have experienced things that would have completely floored others much older and more 'life-experienced' than you. And yet i do not think I have once seen you whinge about the unfairness of it all, you have just 'got on' and done what you felt you had to do.

You are amazing and your Mum and Dad have done a fantastic job in raising a daughter like you. You are their legacy.

I wish you every success in your life.

Sayithowitis - thank you for the nice things you wrote. I did have lots of help especially from the Head of the Sixth Form, the relatives that help me look after my money and of course 2 local Mumsnet members. I did winge sometimes, especially in the early days when I used to be so cross that Mum and Dad had left me to cope with all this crap on my own.

And I'm still cross and sad that so many of their friends, people who had known me since I was a baby, have never spoken to me since the funeral.

Hi Misssuperorganised and good at exams, so nice to see you posting. Please keep us updated (if you want to) on this next phase of your life. I am sure you must still be feeling a lot of grief for your parents and it will be weird for you to start a part of your life that they are not here for.
It is OK to whinge and be cross and sad. You have acquired a virtual fan club of supporters here!

Today is my last day in the family home. I'm off to live with my Nan and Granddad until the Induction Week starts at the university. There is no internet at their house so I will have to go to the library for access until it can all be sorted out. I am trying to stay positive. I know there is lots to look forward to, it just I never thought I would have to do it on my own. I've said goodbye to the neighbours and explained about the house being rented out. One said "Do you need planning permission for that?".
I will post again after the Induction Week.

I've only lurked, but feel I just have to say good luck, you've been so very brave, and you're making such huge steps on your own. It's daunting going to university, but you seem to have such a great attitude, just get stuck in, be yourself, and have a great time. Keep us updated if you like, but don't feel obliged.
Take care....

I hope it all goes well for you Miss. I am sure you will love university. And, if you are anything like people I know who have been, you will make friends there who will be with you throughout your life. I never had the chance to go , but friends and family members who did, have maintained their uni friendships, in one case, well beyond retirement! And I know my Dc1 has made some fantastic friends during their first two years.

As to your Mum and dad's 'friends' - well, not wanting to make excuses for them, but maybe they just don't know what to say. Sadly, it is often the case that following any bereavement there is a kind of 'weeding out' of friends. Sometimes it is surprising that the ones we thought closest and who could be relied upon to be supportive, are the very ones who seem to disappear without a trace, whilst the ones who do stick around are often those we would have placed money on them being the first to slink away. Try not to waste your anger on them. Save your energy for your own good - from what I understand of it, you will need it to get through Freshers!

Let us know how things go for you.

Just wanted to wish you all the very best as you prepare for uni. I am sure this new chapter of your life will bring you long-lasting friendships and whilst it is obviously quite daunting now, just look back on what you have achieved these last 18 months- you are one strong young woman!
Do keep us posted of your progress. We are all here to offer support if you need it.

My first week at university went OK. I had a bit of a wobble when I saw all the parents helping their children move boxes from the family car to their new rooms. I really really wish my Mum and Dad could have been with me. I kept wondering if people noticed I was doing eveything on my own but of course they didn't.

Doing the social and academic activities as me "the new student" and not as me "the orphan" was an important step for me but it still feels strange when the other students talk about phoning home or getting money from their parents. I just look interested but keep my dark secret to myself at least until I know them better. Eventually somebody is bound to ask a difficult question and I will just have to wing it.

I think the girl opposite might be in a similar situation. She never mentions any family and seems a bit more weary/sad/cautious/ than the rest.

Hello MissD congratulations on your first week at Uni.
I can understand why you would be worried about the difficult questions, you will deal with them or deflect them, but I am afraid everybody will be shocked and sad for you. At least you are forewarned.

I like the idea that you are thinking about yourself as 'the new student'. You can be anybody you like.

My DD had a very very nasty incident at her previous school, but when she went to college, nobody knew, and she could chose to tell them, or just nod and smile. It helped her to reinvent herself as a confident, happy person (neither of which she was).

You can be anybody you want to be. On MN we know you as a strong, intelligent and capable person.

The odd 'wobble' is allowed.

And my ONLY bit of real advice is to JOIN EVERYTHING, you can always drop out later, but I made all my very favorite friends from some really odd groups.

Well done for getting through week 1. Nothing will be as hard and strange. Yes, you can manage what people know about you. Enjoy not having the label that you had at school. You will know when you feel comfortable to tell people more about yourself.

Join everything, don't forget to do some study - often due dates for assignments all come in the same week so keep an eye on them, and have fun. Ask for help, from the university librarians - they can show you how to find things fast and are often longing to be asked.
Your parents would be so proud of you. The strength that you have shown so far will see you flying through university.

Hey Miss, I bet you anything you like that when the time comes that you choose to reveal what has happened, the response from your fellow students is not going to be one of pity. Rather, it will be one of complete admiration for you in achieving all that you have done so far. They will be blown away by the fact that you have got where you are today, off your own bat, so to speak. Whereas for many of them, the idea of being independant, shopping, cooking, cleaning and studying without there parents to gee them up, will be a massive shock to their systems.

I am so pleased it has gone well so far. and for you!

so good to hear from you missd. It would be great if you can drop us a line from time to time. We're all rooting for you.

We're just a bunch of strangers to you I know, but you've touched our hearts. I wish you all the love and strength and fun and success possible in your new life.

Your parents would be so proud of you and what you've achieved.... and of course you'll never stop missing them.

But you'll be alright, I know you will. And if you need to come on here and whinge about the workload or you have a dilemma of some sort...don't hesitate - we'll be around.

Hugs

Hello MissD. I have been thinking of you & hope you are settling in well & making friends. No doubt you have moments when you feel a little lost, but that's understandable.
Hope you pop back now & again to let us know how you are doing.

I need some advice! The course is going really well but I'm finding it difficult to know what, when and how to tell my new friends about my situation. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable about talking about their parents, which some of them seem to do rather a lot, but I feel a bit of a fraud saying nothing when the others talk about their families or going home for the weekend. I seem to have been told quite a lot about them and they must wonder why I never talk about my family.

Oh Miss d this is a hard one. I would start telling people - because otherwise it turns into this great awful thing that is a secret and makes your interactions uneven as you have noticed. People always respect you if you open up and are honest. Much better to tell people now than have them discover it in a year's time. Just choose a couple of the people you feel most close to, go out, have a drink and tell them. Tell them that you want to tell them something , don't just wait and see how the evening unfolds.Tell them that you don't want them to treat you any differently and of course they can talk about their parents in front of you. If you don't do this it may stop you making close friends as you will be holding back.

Good luck - there are sadly lots of these challenges in front of you and I am convinced you will get through them all. So pleased that the course is going well (and not surprised).

Hello Miss D
I've been reading your thread but havent posted before. I am sorry for your loss :(

Re the last question, I agree with Saffron about telling a select few that you are comfortable with. The longer it goes on and they become closer friends the harder it will be to say it. You might find it helpful and supportive to have friends who understand you better at uni.

Keep posting here if you need to

Take care, GBL

Hello

I agree with Saffron too. It doesn't have to be a big announcement to a large group of people. You'll know who you feel comfortable chatting too. Tell one or two of them- be honest about how you feel & that you don't want to be treated any differently. Once you break your silence that first time & you have others 'on your side' I'm sure that should questions arise you'll feel more confident about opening up.

I am certain you will find your friends will be compassionate & understanding.

I took the advice from people here. It wasn't as difficult as I had thought it might be. I've told my next door neighbour and the person three doors down who is on my course. I didn't make a great emotional scene out of it. I just told them in the canteen that Mum and Dad died when I was in the sixth form and I that I don't find it easy to talk about them.
Like people here said I told them that I don't want them to treat me any differently and of course they can talk about their parents in front of me.
Thanks for pushing me in the right direction!

Well done! That must have taken some courage, but you did it.
I'm sure your friends won't 'tittle-tattle' in a nasty way, but I'd not be surprised if they perhaps told others of what you have said. Just be prepared for someone mentioning it, that you haven't told already.
That said, I'm certain that anyone who did find out will support you & be understanding.

What demolitionduo said.
Good for you, Miss D. I so admire the way you manage everything.