Any suitable bereavement groups for me?

[missdisorganised1]

I am 18 but feel older. My Mum and Dad died 11 months ago so I went to live with my Nan and Granddad until I was 18. I am back in the family home now, still at school and managing (a bit hand-to-mouth) on the living allowance given out by the trustees of Mum and Dads estate.

Are there any suitable bereavement groups for my age?. There seems to be stuff for the under 18's and I once visited an adult group with Nam where I was the youngest by 20 years.

I would like to talk to people more my own age but I see school friends eyes start to glaze over if I answer "How are you?" truthfully.

I've been a bit lonely today. Most of my new university friends seem to have gone home for the weekend which is nice for them but which makes me feel different. It is the feeling different that is harder to cope with than the sadness. Sadness drop by drop fades a bit each day but the feeling different seems to stay the same.
The course is going fine.

Hi MissD

I've been following your thread but haven't posted before. I lost a few close family members when I was in my teens & both my DP's parents died by the time he was 18 - Both things which have definitely shaped our adult lives to date & despite wishing it wasn't a journey you were on i've followed your posts with interest. You sound like an amazing young woman. You've done so well to finish school, sort out your house & get to Uni. I'm really sorry you're feeling lonely today.

We live in an area full of students - I often look at them & reminisce about my student days (am now a decrepit 37!) & think of them fondly. Probably not what you feel like doing but if you live in Halls of Residence try & get yourself along to the Student Union tonight - your friends may be away for the weekend but you'll almost certainly vaguely recognise someone there who you can sit & have a quick drink/blether with. There might be a few people in the halls you can go with - it won't be the same as being with the friends you've made so far but might still be a good night. If you really don't feel like it then treat yourself to something you'll enjoy (tatt mag/crap tv/huge bar of chocolate/decent book/film). Neither will make you feel less different but they might get you through tonight feeling a bit better.

When I was at uni my Dad used to tell me "it's the same sun, moon & stars wherever you are" I liked to think of that when I felt a bit down/lonely. It often made me feel better to look at them & think that somewhere, somehow he'd be doing the same. Whatever works at the time.

Feeling different will change over time - you may always feel different because you've lost your parents while so young but that very feeling itself will vary during times in your life that you've yet to encounter & you'll notice more that pretty much everyone has something that makes them feel different at some point - you're just facing yours now.

Wishing you well.

Hello MissD I am sorry you are feeling lonely and homesick. What happened to Derek your neighbour? Do any of your old school friends keep in touch? My DD is having an old schoolfriend to visit this weekend because they were both feeling homesick. She also did a little video of her uni room for me and put it on facebook. I loved that. Perhaps you could do a video too, put stuff in it that you think your mum and dad would want to see, like your notice board and posters and desk and stuff. I hope you wrap up warm when it is cold and get enough exercise.

At 9PM I got so bored sitting on my own that I went outside to look to see how many lights were on in the student rooms. Not many but I went back in and knocked on the doors that matched the lights and I managed to get 3 other people to go with me to a local pub for a drink and a chat. It did me good and I hope it did them good as well!

Funnyperson - I don't really feel homesick because now the family home is rented out I don't really have a home. I feel a bit rootless and although Nan and Granddad do their best to help me it is usually the other way with me helping them as they are getting old and a bit frail and forgetful.

Well Done you! Love the matching of lights - you sound very resourceful!

Just a thought but maybe you could think of setting up a 'Weekend Wanderers' club (if there isn't one already) where you &/or a friend (initially until others get involved & you can share the set up) organise a few things to do at weekends - pub visit; cinema; hillwalk; jaunt to different city etc You could pin a note up on your halls notice board advertising along the lines of "WW will be meeting here at (time/date) to head to (wherever) Come & join us!" It could really take off & am sure you'd meet lots of interesting people. Not saying you need to fill all of your weekend time like that but if there was one outing planned most weekends it might give you a focus if needbe. If you're self catering in halls you could also think about a weekend come dine with me type thing.

Might sound a wee bit 'out there' but when I started uni for the second time (first was the wrong thing for me) I suggested at induction that our course could meet in a local pub that night - when everyone arrived I'd brought sticky labels & gave everyone name tags - I know it wasn't everyone's cup of tea but it was taken in good humour and our course had a pretty good banter going from then on as we spoke to people beyond our tutor groups. Sometimes it takes someone matching lights from rooms to get things going (and sometimes it's normal to feel that you'd rather not be the one doing the matching!)

If your still in touch with school friends then I think it's a good suggestion to invite one over one weekend too. I used to go & stay with my cousin a lot when she was at uni & it usually involved times when some of her friends were away - meant there was somewhere to sleep!

There's always the library too! Give yourself a head start & get to know how to access the journals etc properly. It's something I never really did willingly but wish I'd forced myself to do more of!!!

Happy Sunday Hope the rest of your weekend goes well.

Last night I had a long complicated dream involving my Mum and Dad. We were in a brilliantly lit room, rather like a hospital waiting room, with nothing in the room except 3 chairs around an oval table. They were standing on one side of the table and I was on the other but no matter how fast I ran they were on always on the other side to me. Although they knew I was at university they still asked me all sorts of questions about what had happened to me since they had died. In the middle of the conversation they just walked over to one of the doors, waved goodbye and left me behind. Really spooky!

Oh, Miss D that must leave you feeling weird. What a lot you have to process. They are just right there in your heart and mind and subconscious, all the time, aren't they?
So impressed by your light matching, door knocking, strongarming to pub move.
How are you finding the actual study? Hope it is interesting enough for your prodigious brain!

The course is really good, even better than I had expected. I'm not finding it too hard to keep up, unlike some on the course who seem so casual about everything they do. One person I knew, who went to my school has already dropped out of his course. He came to see me just to say goodbye: he hated eveything about university life and is "going to look for a job" instead. Knowing his Mum and Dad they will be very unimpressed.

The strange dream I had I suppose was my brain trying to process all that has happened to me. It is a silly thing to say but I sometimes still struggle with the idea that Mum and Dad have gone for good. Graduation, wedding, children whatever - they will miss all of it. And that is hard to cope with.

I do think dreams are a way of helping us to process a;ll of our thoughts and feelings, although they are often unsettling - particularly if you have been in really deep sleep. Your parents won't be there and that is really hard to cope with but will stop being such a cold stark feeling as time goes by...but it will be harder at times.

How disappointing for the boy from your school to have left so soon after starting his corse. I remember being told to hang in for 6 months and then make a decision it is still really new.
Well done for striking out and encouraging others to go out - I always found lots of people were in the same boat as me and were equally lonely and just neede that one opportunity to go out.

Have you tried to join any clubs...I wish I had done more.

Its great that you are enjoying your course and one thing that you can relish and really absorb yourself in...

hi missd, it's so good to see you still around here. I've got very little time on here at the mo but when I come on I always have a quick look to see if there's any news from you.

Great to hear you're enjoying the course, and about your clever rounding up some people to go out to the pub with. Bet they were all sitting in their rooms feeling a bit lost too, so you did them a favour, not just yourself. You go girl!

I think like the others said, that dream is part of the long process you're going through - of grieving and coming to terms with your loss. The table separating you seems so significant and...so sad. But also in the dream there's a reminder that, wherever they are, they love you and are proud of you.

Sending a big hug. Keep us posted. You're doing so well.

I've just collected my weekly letter from Nan and Granddad. They are all excited because they have been invited to go away over Christmas with another couple (long-time friends) from the 21st to the 28th December.

Very nice for them but not for me. They seem to have forgotten that I was supposed to be staying with them over the Christmas holiday. I've got nowhere else to go. I don't like to tell them how unhappy its made me so I'm telling you lot instead.

I haven't posted for a bit although you have been thought of.

Am so sorry to read your news re Christmas.

Can only think your Nan & Grandad just haven't thought about what them going away then means for you which makes me feel v v sad - maybe they've thought you'll have your own plans now you're at uni & "all grown up"?

You are being so compassionate towards their feelings. Would it help to write what you would you like to say to them?

Big hugs from here x

Oh MissD, I can feel your hurt. I think you need to mention to them that you thought you were spending Christmas together.....they need to know you are feeling left out & alone. What are they assuming you will be doing?

Do you have a best friend you can talk to? I am certain you would get yourself an invite if they knew you were potentially going to be home alone.
I feel quite tearful you are facing this on top of all the other feelings Christmas will undoubtedly bring, so goodness only knows how you must feel.
Keep posting.

Big hugs from here too. x

MissD I can hardly bear to say how much I feel for you. Christmas can be really difficult. I find it difficult to believe that your grandparents have forgotten you were going to spend it with them.

I know they will be dealing with their own feelings but they are your family.

I wish I could give you a real hug

x

Well I'm just back from having tea with Gran and Granddad. The good news is that I'm OK to stay with them before the 21st December and after the 28th. The bad news is that they think I can stay at the university "with all your friends" the Christmas week. They were so excited at the thought of their holiday that I just didn't dare say that I'm going to have to use the money I saved this term to stay in a cheap B&B for 7 nights. If they stay open over Christmas that is?

If Mum and Dad are looking down on me they must be wondering what is going on?

Oh Miss D this is hard for you. They just don't know that university shuts down over Christmas?
I know how difficult it is to ask people, but do you have a school friend or new uni friend that you could ask to spend Christmas with? Failing that, if you do end up alone on the day- which I think is so wrong and unfair - I would suggest contacting a local charity and helping out with a Chrismas lunch for the homeless. It keeps you busy and you feel you are doing something useful.
If you were in Melbourne I would invite you to my Christmas day in a heartbeat.

Oh MissD - my immediate reaction is you have to tell them. You don't have to go into how incredibly hurt and alone their decision has made you feel but you do need to tell them that halls are closed over Christmas (which I'm assuming they are) and you'd like to stay at theirs for the holidays - even when they're away. Write them a letter if you can't face speaking to them and say you didn't want to bring it up at dinner as they sounded so happy with their holiday plans.

I really don't know what they're thinking other than they sound totally out of touch with what happens at uni & have naively based plans on their misconceptions.

Am very on your behalf - if something happened to me & my DP I can't bear thinking that my parents, her grandparents, would ever leave her in the situation yours have.

Thinking of you xx

I have got a 2 hour gap in my "to do list" today so I am going to have to drive over to Gran and Granddad to tell them that I cannot stay at the university over Christmas. Then see what they say!

After all it was them that suggested renting out Mum and Dad's home (mine now) or else I could have gone there. I knew from the start that Easter was an issue - they do their annual coach trip holiday then - but I never though it was going to be Christmas on my own as well.

Good decision Miss D. I do admire your clarity and determination in dealing with all these tough situations. I do hope you get it sorted out.
xx

missdis
It does seem very thoughtless of your GP, but perhaps they're still wound up in their own grief.
What part of the country are you in?

Well the good news is that I can stay in Nan and Granddads house over Christmas. The less good news is that I will be there on my own for 7 days. No wild parties for me as, in theory, I?m not supposed to have any visitors round.

I don?t think it ever crossed their minds that one side changing all the Christmas plans was going to upset me. I don?t think I came into it at all!

I know I should be grateful for them taking me in when Mum and Dad were killed. There wasn?t exactly a queue of family offering to help. In fact if it hadn?t been for them I think it would have been sent to whatever they currently call orphanages. But it is very miserable feeling when you know that people are doing things out of duty rather than love. On the plus side at least I will avoid the humiliation of last year when my Christmas present from them was a bar of fruit and nut chocolate they brought on Christmas Eve.

The next fun job will be doing the Christmas cards. I?m cutting out all those former friends of Mum and Dad who vanished never to be seen again after the funeral. But I?ve got my university friends to add to the list so I better buy some cards pronto.

I can feel a wail coming on so I better stop writing before it starts. Pull yourself together girl.

Oh MissD that had made me cry :(

Please tell your uni friends that you will be alone over Christmas. Any one of them with a heart will not want you to be alone & certainly not for a whole week.

I'm quite aghast at your Nan & Grandad's attitude but maybe it's because they are of the 'soldiering on' generation. Whatever their reasons, it can't take away your hurt.

I am going to PM you.....

x

I didn't have a wail - I went for a walk instead. I will sort out some days out to see school friends or uni friends. Its probably only Christmas Day and Boxing Day to fill up. Perhaps my Aunt, who helps me look after my money, might find a spare place at the table although she seems to have a houseful turning up already. Otherwise a chicken leg and a sprig of holly for me!

Missd, just read your whole thread and I am so sorry for what you have been through. Christmas is a horrible time of year when you grieving and to feel so abandoned must feel bloody awful. Do ask your aunt. No matter how many peole I was entertaining my nieces would never be turned away if something similar happened to them. Equally I am sure your friends families would not see you on your own everyone probably just thinks you are sorted so do bite the bullet and ask. When my best friend lost her dh a few years ago she learned to become unafraid of asking for help. Ironically enough she has now met a man who lost his parents by the thing he was 18. He stil misses them deeply but has made a success of his life and is very happy. He said his attitude was all down to the fact he had such fantastic parents. He is a credit to them. As you are.

I'm so sorry to hear you will be staying in your Grandparents house on your own over Christmas. This time of year is hard when you are grieving.
I hope that you will get plenty of invitations to spend time with other family members or with your old school friends families. Lots of people need to get away from family gatherings for a few hours, so I'm sure there will be friends who want to spend time with you.