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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

37 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday that our baby has died

886 replies

CheeseandGherkins · 03/12/2010 12:17

I'm still totally in shock, as is DH, our little girl has died. I hadn't felt movements since late on Wednesday and when I went in on Thursday they couldn't find a heartbeat with doppler. Sent straight for a scan and there was no heartbeat.

I already have 3 dcs who are so upset but it was DH's first baby.

I have to go in today, in a few hours, for a tablet to start things off but I can come home after an hour apparently and then go back 24 hours or so later (if nothing happens) to start inducement properly.

Does anyone have any experience of this? I'm scared of being induced, which sounds stupid under the circumstances but there it is. How long will it take? First 3 labours were fast, 3 and a half, 3 hours and just over an hour.

I still keep expecting to feel her move but of course she won't. Feels so surreal and that it can't be happening but it is. I was due on Dec 23rd.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
geraldinetheluckygoat · 03/12/2010 21:37

So sorry to read this. I will be thinking of you tomorrow xxxx

dietcokesholidaysarecoming · 03/12/2010 21:55

So sorry to hear this awful news. Will be thinking of you and your DP tomorrow

Maybee · 03/12/2010 21:58

I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. I hope you get good advice.
xxx

jobobpip08 · 03/12/2010 21:59

c&g in case you miss your inbox -

PHOTOS TO TAKE
Your photographs are personal to you, do not feel that you aren?t ?allowed to? or it isn?t ?the done thing?. If you want to smile, do. If you want to photograph your baby naked, do.

With Mum & Dad, holding, kissing and cuddling your baby, take turns to hold your baby.

With other family members, also holding your baby.

Take many different aspects of your baby, both naked and clothed.

Hands and feet, maybe you would like one with your baby?s hand in yours, or feet in your hand. If you have wedding rings, you could place these over baby?s fingers or toes.

Cuddling a teddy or soft toy.

Wrap your baby loosely, so they look as if they are sleeping. You may wish to place them on their side to look more natural.

Memories fade in time so, if you are able, take photos of you dressing, bathing and holding your baby.

TAKE AS MANY PHOTOS AS YOU CAN

THINGS TO DO
See your baby

Hold your baby

Kiss your baby

Wash your baby

Let someone else wash your baby and be present

Let family see or hold your baby

See your baby naked

Dress your baby

Take photos/ video

Keep your baby overnight, constantly or have time away from your baby

Have baby kept elsewhere while you sleep

Have baby blessed, a midwife should be able to call a member of the clergy if you wish

Have time alone with your baby

Take your baby outside

Sing or tell stories to your baby

Do you wish to see your baby again after you have left the Hospital?

C&G take clothes to dress your baby in and a blanket to wrap her in which you can take home to keep afterwards. You could also take a toy in to put with her.

I would second the advice to check out SANDS and their online forum.

I can remember the numb feeling, that its not really happeneing and its hard to believe but you WILL find the strength to get you through this.

Huge huge hugs to you and your family

ReshapeWhileDamp · 03/12/2010 22:50

C&G - just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you, your DH and your lovely girl. You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow and I hope you can get something positive out of the labour. You are this lovely girl's mother and she is your daughter. Nothing can change that.

I'm sure the hospital people will gently encourage you to take memories of your daughter, and if you can't face it, very often they will take sensitive photos and feet and hand prints which you can claim when you feel up to it.

maxpower · 04/12/2010 12:44

C&G I just don't know what to say. Just saw your post on the antenatal thread and my heart broke for you. You and your family will be in my prayers. Max xx

NorthernLurker · 04/12/2010 12:51

I'm so sorry for your loss. This happened to friends of ours this year and it is just the most awful unbelieveable thing. Thinking of you today.

jobobpip08 · 04/12/2010 12:52

C&G thinking of you today and wishing you strength xxx

Original poster
CheeseandGherkins · 04/12/2010 14:26

Thank you so, so much for all the words and advice, it is really appreciated.

I really don't think I can go in and start things off today now, I feel like such a failure worrying about starting off the labour when my little girl has died and that is obviously so much more important.

I think I'm worried about it all being over, even though I know it really is, but she is still here with us right now and I haven't seen her. I don't know if that makes any sense. I know I have to go in and get things going but I think I will tomorrow. I know I can't leave it and leave it, I need to get it done so we can meet and say goodbye to our daughter, this is so hard.

I feel so up and down, one minute I feel ready the next nowhere near and also with moods; I feel OKish and then really upset. How am I supposed to go in and give birth? I can't even picture it in my head.

OP posts:
ItalianLady · 04/12/2010 14:34

I have no idea what to say to you. I am just so so very sorry.

You must do what you feel is right for you.

mjinsparklystockings · 04/12/2010 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MarkStretch · 04/12/2010 14:56

Cheese, I have been thinking about you all day and just wanted to send you my love xx

jobobpip08 · 04/12/2010 15:00

What you are feeling is perfectly natural, you are not a failure worrying about the labour, you are suffering from shock and grief. After we got the devastating 'sorry, there is no heartbeat' my next thought was 'I've still got to get him out' and that in itself is another thing to endure. It is an horrendous position to find yourself in.

The one consolation I have from that day is that it was the most wonderful feeling to look at and hold DS2, despite the tragedy.

Holding you close in my thoughts xxx

Sasha02 · 04/12/2010 15:01

My deepest sympathies for you and your family, and my thoughts are with you and your angel.

spilttheteaagain · 04/12/2010 15:44

Actually just wanted to pick up on something jobobpip said earlier - photos of you smiling with your baby. We suddenly thought of this just before we left, so took some. I'm so glad we have some of us smiling with her, weird as that may sound. She's our little daughter who we are proud to have had.

Sending you much love and strength. The pain of loss feels unbearable, but you will bear it xx

mumbar · 04/12/2010 16:00

Cheese, I'm so sorry for your loss.

My thoughts are with you and you family right now.

Minione · 04/12/2010 16:40

I felt exactly how you feel. When we were told Malachy's heart had stopped beating my husband burst into tears, all I could say was 'I've got to give birth'. The only way I could get through this was with copious amounts of morphine, as I said previously I can't remember a huge amount but what I can remember isn't traumatic which i think it would have been if I hadn't had the drugs.

The one thing I regret is not seeing my son. Dh did but I just couldn't. I treasure his footprints and scan photos but regret not spending some time with my little boy.

Again, I'm so so sorry, it really is an awful thing to happen. Unfortunatley there are quite a few of us on here who have been through it. Do not be afraid to speak, cry, rant, rage xxx

ChippingIn · 04/12/2010 16:58

Cheese - oh sweetheart, I am so so so sorry to hear about your baby girl. I can't imagine how you are feeling, I am sitting here crying my heart out for you and your family. Life is just so unfair :( I wish I could give you and DH a really, really big hug and do something to take the pain away for you, but I know there isn't anything anyone could do right now. Lots of love xxx

IBlameThePenguins · 04/12/2010 19:29

C&G, I just wanted to pass on my sincerest sypathies and send my love to you, your family, and your darling daughter.

I can't possibly begin to imagine what you are living through, but I am thinking of you.

Lots of love xxxx

everlong · 04/12/2010 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

me23 · 04/12/2010 20:18

I'm so sorry for your loss Sad I wish you and your family strength.

SpeedyGonzalez · 04/12/2010 20:19

Sad So very sorry for you all.

spidookly · 04/12/2010 20:22

:( so sorry

indiechick · 04/12/2010 20:23

I am so sorry for you and your family. You are in my thoughts. I hope you find the strength to carry on.

tibni · 04/12/2010 20:36

Sorry for your loss.

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