37 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday that our baby has died

[CheeseandGherkins]

I'm still totally in shock, as is DH, our little girl has died. I hadn't felt movements since late on Wednesday and when I went in on Thursday they couldn't find a heartbeat with doppler. Sent straight for a scan and there was no heartbeat.

I already have 3 dcs who are so upset but it was DH's first baby.

I have to go in today, in a few hours, for a tablet to start things off but I can come home after an hour apparently and then go back 24 hours or so later (if nothing happens) to start inducement properly.

Does anyone have any experience of this? I'm scared of being induced, which sounds stupid under the circumstances but there it is. How long will it take? First 3 labours were fast, 3 and a half, 3 hours and just over an hour.

I still keep expecting to feel her move but of course she won't. Feels so surreal and that it can't be happening but it is. I was due on Dec 23rd.

I don't know what to do.

I think I've got the meaning of most of it but I just don't know which of it that applies, so maybe I have clotting or Scarlett bled causing the clotting or it was the cord. One thing though, it is either me clotting or her bleeding that caused the clots in my placenta or could that be something else? Don't expect you to be able to answer but worth asking.

I'm not eating much still, sleeping on and off but finding nights hard, slept 2 hours last night from about 2-4, just woke and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm not crying so much now, it's the sleep that's bad and eating I guess. I still feel bad even eating.

I can smile, that's good I know, mainly short lasting but that's a good start.

If I could see a good one I would I guess but the only experience I've had of counsellors was when I cut my wrists when I was 18 and on anti d's and he sat there the whole session and said nothing, I was/and am, too shy/uncomfortable to start anything off so we sat there for an hour and said nothing. I never went back...

Oh Cheese...I've followed this thread but never posted before, but I've noticed that you're posting in the middle of the night, when I'm often awake too - for similar reasons. I am so so sorry. It's very early days for you all and you need to be kind to yourself, your dh, and your dcs.

Just try and block out any unhelpful or negative energy and stay in your little family cocoon - and don't doubt for one second that beautiful baby Scarlett is in there with you....how could she not be when you all carry her in your hearts?
Her pictures are beautiful, and your dh is a good-looking young man!

Cheese - xxx ((HUGS)) Reading the PM is just heart breaking. I hate the way they write 'female infant' it makes me want to scream 'Scarlett' and I know that's not rational - but when I had to read a PM I found that the hardest bit to read was not the description of what actually happened, which was very hard, but the way they described 'the body' :(

I hope you get some answers to your questions.

Your brother in law in an arse of the first order. He doesn't deserve to have your family in his life - uesless waste of space. I don't care what he's been through (and it's seemingly nothing more than your DH has been through) - this is now, this is what he should be helping his brother through. Nothing excuses that. Nothing.

I hate that he has caused you even more upset and hurt. Deleting your texts without even reading them - what the hell is that all about?? I could rant about what a useless fucker he is for a good long while, but it wont really help will it :( Try to ignore him and please, for your own sanity, stop trying to make him be there for his brother, he's not going to be.

As someone else said, it is just so clear how much you and DH love each other - you are both very lucky to have that.

I think it would do your DH a lot of good to have someone to talk to who isn't emotionally involved.

I think it may help you too at some stage. Your previous experience was ghastly - but it's not normally like that at all - please don't tar them all with the same brush. Bereavement C's are another breed all together and will help you. I appreciate what you are saying about 'face to face' being very hard, but they are used to dealing with people and will know what you are going through :(

Did you have the lovely sunshine on Saturday? Did you go out anywhere with the kids?

LouiseSH - I remember you too and your Georgie x

LouiseSH - sorry that posted before I was finished (and before I read through it so who knows how many typos there are in it!! Ooops!! I must have a combo of keys that 'post'??).... anyway, what I was going to say was that I hope your return to work is OK. Have you been in yet? I think you have a good attitude to it (they can't hurt you more than you have been hurt)... but I fear you will still be hurt by some comments - most people mean well, but many suffer from 'foot in mouth' - come here for a hug if you need one xox

Hi Cheese, it's been a while since I last posted but just wanted to catch up with you. FWIW, while his actions are totally inexcusable, it sounds to me like your BIL is trying to avoid the whole situation, hence him deleting your texts etc. Like you said in one of your other posts, I think you just need to leave it now and make sure the communication channels remain open, for your DH's sake. I'm glad your MIL seems to have seen sense and accepted some responsibility for her behaviour - at least she and your DH are communicating.

I completely understand where you're coming from re the counselling. I never thought I'd find any sort of counselling helpful, but I was suprised at how useful it was for me (not in relation to bereavement I would add) so maybe it's worth giving it another try?

Sorry you've all been poorly, hope you're all feeling better now & hope your DH gets to see a friendly dr soon.

Take care of yourself x

Chipping thanks very much.Work's been ok on 2 days a week at the moment thats fine.Thanks for your kind wishes and for remembering my darling Georgie X

2blessed2bstressed - sorry you're up for similar reasons too. Trying hard, I think I'm coping better a lot of the time as I'm just talking so much! For all that I post here a million times more goes through me head so if I couldn't get it out and digest it I think I'd just lose it. Even now at times I think why, why and how, and that it isn't fair. It never will be but I accept that it happened even though at the same time really feeling like it's all a bad dream. I've decided to do just that, I'm not trying anymore; I can't. We still have their Christmas presents here as we haven't seen them and they live an hour away...I'm arranging a courier to be done with it. They were bought before anything happened with Scarlett and I put thought into them so; they can like them or not but they're of no use to me here.

Poor dh, not only is he going through this but has to cope with his arse of a brother and his own serious illnesses, he has incredibly low self esteem too and often says he has no idea why I'm with him. It makes me sad as I love him, that's why I'm with him. I've told him over and over but he's thinks there's something wrong with me and that one day I'll wake up and see :(

Chipping - Reading it was hard, was much more detailed than the consultant appt and I can't even remember all that, I could barely keep it together; I just remember sipping water and literally visibly shaking the whole time. Adrenaline I suppose. Definitely agree with you on that, it's so detached and unemotional.

I have no idea what's going on with him but I'm a little a peace with it now as I know I've tried so there are no "what ifs", the ball is firmly in his court. I hate the way it's affected me too, and he knows it's been bad as I know he read at least some of my messages as he replied to one. All he said was he hopes we are ok or well, something along those lines.

I think it would help him too but I can't force him and the time since we've had that letter he seems worse, I've managed a lot better as I've got a lot out. I'll definitely think about seeing someone myself although I'm loathe to have to start all over again with someone when I think I've been working through my feelings as much as I can.

The past couple of days have been beautiful here and we've been on walks after school with the kids and the dog, enjoyed all round :) The sun does something good to me, I always feel better when it's a sunny day.

Max - Yep I agree now, I think I just had to try before for dh and for myself, for my own peace of mind. Mil has been totally different lately and very nice, I know she's hurting too, Scarlett was her first grandchild too. I can't help but compare it all with the way my family are though, they have been nothing but supportive, literally bending over backwards to help us in any way possible. Sending lovely messages and cards and having the kids to help out, and they only live up the road. They have been absolutely amazing. My parents don't have it easy either, my Dad's quadriplegic and my mum is his carer and all they've been is totally supportive.

Honestly, I feel my life is like a soap opera, so much stuff has gone on. Just wonder when it's all going to end, the bad stuff that is...

louisesh - how are you doing now? I really think you're amazing for raising all that money. 6 months, it's nothing is it? When you think of it in baby terms it's nothing but even now sometimes (at 3 months) I get the feeling people would rather I just get on with it but had I had a live baby now at 3 months old people would be falling over themselves to offer this, that and the other; if you see what I mean.

Think I've said most of how I feel in the above other than that it looks like my period is going to start again, sigh. Day 33 today of cycle (long as I have pcos too) but negative pregnancy tests. It feels saying that, like I'm trying to replace Scarlett but I'm not and that would never be possible. I just feel a huge whole in my life right now that only a baby will feel. Rightly or wrongly but that's the honest truth.

CandG I have just caught up.
I think most people just don't know how to deal with your loss and don't take the time to find out; that to recoignise your grief and your loss is the way to do things ( this does not apply to the brother-in-law).
Three months after the loss of a much wanted baby is no time at all.
Your parents sound amazing.
I wish you many many sunny days in the future.

In a way it feels like yesterday, I can remember it so vividly, the day that we found out. I read this thread back now and again from the start and it's so weird, I can still feel what I felt then just reading it so I don't do it too often; few times since then. On the other hand it feels like forever. I look around and everything was just building up to Scarlett being born, baby clothes, moses basket, pram, etc and now all we have are photos, hand and footprints, a grave to visit and memories.

Hello Cheese,

I haven't posted before but just wanted to say you are in my thoughts. I lost my son in 2009 at 22 weeks so not the same situation as you but similar.

My DH didn't open up to me about what was going on in his head. He said he didn't want to burden me with his feelings. I had to explain to him that he was the only person I really wanted to talk to about our DS1 as he was the only other person on earth who had lost our son IYSWIM? He totally got it after that and really DS1 is ours now to talk about and remember. That's not to say I can't talk the hind legs off a donkey about DS1 to anyone who'll listen. DH and I talk about him often and normally as you would about anyone you were close to and lost. Just because DS1 died before he was born, doesn't mean he's not just as important as anyone else in our family.

We went on to have DS2 in December 2010 and if anything it's made me miss DS1 more. He'll never be forgotten but having DS2 has brought some joy back to our lives.

Anyway, I'm rambling now. I've sent a PM to you about a book I'd like to send you if you want it and haven't already read it. I found it really helpful.

Take care of yourself and I hope it's sunny where you are today.

Thanks Cheese sometimes it only seems like yesterday since Georgie died other days it seems like FOREVER.My Georgie did a lot of good and only today i heard som other poor family had written in Georgi'e remembrance book.
It realoly has been no time since we lost our babies i too, totally understand the need to be pg and that no one will ever replace Georgie or Scarlett.Take care XXX

Excuse spellimg errors typing quickly so no one sees at work!!!!!!!!!

Hiya Louise!!! Remember me?? Have you had a BFP yet?? I havnt as yet but I should be ovulating soon so fingers crossed.xx

Hi tobytoes i ve private messaged you!!!!!

I still can't deal with how I feel ok and then like now I feel so shit. It's like it's all come crashing down again. Had a 37 day cycle and period 3 days ago (tmi sorry) 37 fucking days. 37. Nothing is fair, honestly, my life is shite, really and truely. I've had shit all the way through it and I'm wondering what I have next.

abusive childhood, abusive first marriage, prem baby, problems with all pregnancies, 6 miscarriages, then losing Scarlett and all the family problems after. Short version too, I feel like a soap opera, I really do. Saying this here as I can't anywhere else, not after all the crap I apparently caused before. I can't stop sighing and thinking, thinking all the time, I can't sleep for thinking. I just want to have some peace of mind and I can't see taht hapening.

Roll on another 6 weeks?

Hello Cheese,

Sorry to hear you're struggling. I've pm'd you again about the book. I just need your address and I'll send it to you.

It sounds like you're overwhelmed by all the crap. It is hard not to look back and only see the worst of everything throughout your life. I think it's totally normal to feel this way. One day I hope you'll be able to see all the good bits again. I really thought I was being punished when I lost DS1 and I must have done something bloody terrible in a previous life to deserve the crappy life I was having. Turns out I've had some real blessings since then and I feel more grateful for them because of all the crap. I wish this for you too, I really do.

Keep going, you'll get there...

xx

hi

new here very very sorry for your loss. My story is very alike. lost a baby 8 years ago born at 31 weeks, lived 1 week

They did find with me that I have a blood condition called factor v leinden that can cause blood clots which can cause miscarriage and stillbirth. have they checked you for this do you know. 8 years ago it was unheard of in the UK so i had to fight the medical system. I have had two more children since but i had to have blood thining injections while pregnant.

hope this helps in some way

Thanks Oli and kelly. Things have been easier the past few days so I guess I was having a bad time the last post. It feels odd reading things back sometimes as it seems like someone else, if you see what I mean? I feel a lot better and happier right now and have been sleeping much better.

Pmed you back Oli

Sorry for your loss kelly. I've heard of that condition as my exh has it, I've had clotting tests done previously due to recurrent miscarriages but I'm not sure if I've had that or not. I still need some blood tests done now.

It's odd that I'm feeling much more up now (the sleeping most likely helps a lot) but dh seems to have gone down, he's really struggling and I think I'll suggest he goes back to the dr again today. He went last week as he has high blood pressure but spoke to them about feeling depressed too.

Hoping things are going to continue getting easier now. Just had a 37 day cycle too, came on last week so I thought I'd be low but surprisingly I wasn't. Mother's day came and went easier too, I think the expectations of days are harder than the actual event right now.

c&g i thought of you on sunday, i hope it wasn't too hard.

you seem a bit more upbeat in your last post. i hope that continues.

hope you get that bfp soon too. how does your dh feel about trying for another baby?

did you manage to get him to the docs?

I completely agree about the expectations of special days being worse than te actual event. I know it's not in the same league, but i always dread the anniversary of miscarriage edd's but find i manage to get through it in one piece

I've said it before, but you are an amazing, brave, strong woman. i remember your posts about you xh and the dc and you dealt with it all. You have been dealt a crappy hand, but if anyone deserves some good luck it is defo you and dh.

Thank you mumatron, the thought was actually worse than the actual day was as it turned out. Went to see Scarlett's grave on Sunday which was upsetting but also nice, we brightened it up a little but also found flowers there when we went. They were lovely artificial ones but we have no idea who left them! Lovely gesture.

Definitely still up and down but the downs don't seem to last as long, had a really good week then was quite down over the weekend and yesterday but I'm feeling up again now.

Dh is just as keen on another baby as me, if he wasn't then we'd wait. In the middle of a cycle now so, fingers crossed. He did go to the drs in the end and had a long chat with him. He's due to go back in another week I think for a follow up, the dr said to him that they need to determine where grief ends and depression starts which makes sense; they filled out a questionnaire. Also had bp checked and had to record it until next appointment daily and take it from there as it was high.

Onwards and upwards at the moment, trying to just keep going, one thing I've noticed it that my patience has been really lacking lately finding that hard!

Thanks again, I really don't have a choice but to be strong, for the dcs, dh and myself. Dh is being really strong too, for me and dcs. Thankfully a lot of the problems with exh have gone, still a few (dd refuses to see him still) but it's less strained. I really hope we do get some good luck.

Cheese - I've been thinking of you a lot lately, but haven't posted because I just don't know what else to say. I am still SO angry with your MIL & BIL. I want to turn the clock back for you and change the ending... it's just not bloody fair, not any of it. None of the things you have had to go through - let alone all of them :(

I hope you are able to get pregnant soon, it will give you something to look forward to, although I also imagine it will be pretty stressful :/

I'm glad DH has been to the Dr's and is acknowledging how he's feeling. I think men have it so hard, they have so little outlet for their grief (by comparison), especially when they don't want to hurt/upset you more.

Save all your patience for your DH & kids, don't worry about anyone else - they'll cope.

You are due some good luck, that's for sure! If I find any, I'll send you plenty!

... and was that you I saw on the tele last week

Big hugs & lots of love
x

I am so sad to hear about your little one. Two friends have been through this at 37 and 39 weeks. Very hard indeed and I hope you get the care you need emotionally as well as physically. X

Cheese Wondering how you are? You said that you felt better in the sun so I hope that you are able to make the most of the lovely weather that we are having now.
Like Chippingin I too wondered if it was you you on the TV recently?
Also echo Chippingin when she says keep your patience for your DH and DC.
Take care x

Hi C&G, hope you and your family are keeping well and enjoying the sunshine we've had. x

Been a little while, it's hard and I have some dark thoughts but I don't think anything out of the ordinary. Dh worried me today though, he had to pop out and when he was back mumbled something about thought crossed his mind to just put his foot down and drive into something. I don't think he would, but to think that (and he wouldn't say it again after) isn't good.

Chipping I know what you mean, I don't know what to say either, or do; or anything. I usually just go on and on lately, just thoughts into words on here. I have to say now that I thank you for offering to come and look after the dcs when it was Scarlett's funeral, I think I said so at the time but I remember you offering and I can't be sure I did so I want to say it again. I've thought of that recently and how kind it was, it really meant a lot to me and still does. I've found it quite hard to build up friendships in real life really, I have a couple here now but since moving here a number of years ago it was hard at first. Was in an abusive marriage (no longer, now with dh who just wouldn't) but it took me a while to get out. I don't even know why I'm saying this other than I think I pushed people away a bit before and it's hard to start it up now.

NOt pregnant yet afaik, cd29 negative today but last was 37 I think, too tempting to test.

I've been thinking about having a memorial? service for Scarlett on a year date or when we the headstone can be put down, would that be a good thing? I really don't know. I don't want to cause any more heartache when inlaws (or certain ones) don't come, sigh. I can't even really put into words why it bothers me so much, yet it still does. Eats away at me, especially now when it's quiet and nothing else happening.

I hope I do get some luck, it's badly needed. xxxx

Lucky thanks, I was "lucky" in that the birth was an easy one and fast so I didn't have to worry about that aspect at least, I really don't think I could have handled that as well so I'm glad for that small blessing.

gail all week has been good and felt ok but then today hit and was just not good at all. No it wasn't me on the TV, what was that then? I didn't see it?

max thank you, we have been enjoying it, making good use of the garden :) I hope you are keeping well too and your lo xx