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Bereavement

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Original poster

37 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday that our baby has died

886 replies

CheeseandGherkins · 03/12/2010 12:17

I'm still totally in shock, as is DH, our little girl has died. I hadn't felt movements since late on Wednesday and when I went in on Thursday they couldn't find a heartbeat with doppler. Sent straight for a scan and there was no heartbeat.

I already have 3 dcs who are so upset but it was DH's first baby.

I have to go in today, in a few hours, for a tablet to start things off but I can come home after an hour apparently and then go back 24 hours or so later (if nothing happens) to start inducement properly.

Does anyone have any experience of this? I'm scared of being induced, which sounds stupid under the circumstances but there it is. How long will it take? First 3 labours were fast, 3 and a half, 3 hours and just over an hour.

I still keep expecting to feel her move but of course she won't. Feels so surreal and that it can't be happening but it is. I was due on Dec 23rd.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseandGherkins · 03/12/2010 17:44

Thanks again, just got back from hospital but I couldn't take the tablet. I just couldn't do it. They took 9 vials of blood from me to test for things and we had to go through autopsy forms :( That was so hard. I'm going in tomorrow afternoon and they can start the pessaries off without the tablet. Everyone was really nice.

Feel so, so weird. How am I going to go through labour and give birth tomorrow? I had to go to delivery suite and I'll be there again tomorrow. I was sitting there just thinking that I can't do it and how I just can't imagine giving birth and our baby not moving. It really wasn't supposed to be like this.

Haven't really eaten anything in the past couple of days so stopped at the garage on the way home to pick up some bread and noticed peanuts; realised I can now eat them and nearly started crying.

Cannot believe this is happening to us. DH is being amazing and it's obviously awful for him too. I feel so strange.

OP posts:
ItalianLady · 03/12/2010 17:48

I am so so sorry for you all Sad.

christmastimemistletoeandwine · 03/12/2010 17:50

i am so sorry for your loss.Sad

Lulumaam · 03/12/2010 17:53

am so dreadfully sorry

there imght well be a private more home from home room you can use.. the hospital i doula at has a delivery room at the end of the AN ward, so it is virutally seperate. if not, i am sure that your need for privacy will be respected

don't be afraid to ask for anything that will make this a tiny bit more bearable for your and DH.

there will have been NOTHING, nothing that oyu could have done that would have stopped this . it is just one of those awful terrible cruel things and you must not consider in anyway, you could have or shoul dhave done anything dfferently.

thinking of you all xx

bluebump · 03/12/2010 17:59

I'm really sorry for your loss.

I too recommend making as many memories as possible - I treasure my DSs hand and foot prints and his photo (I wish I had known to take a camera in as we only have one photo that the hospital took) and at the time I didn't think I would want more.

I'll be thinking of you over the coming days.

wewishyouamerrylissiemas · 03/12/2010 18:00

my darling girl, I am so, so sorry. please know that we are all thinking of you and your family xxx

ronshar · 03/12/2010 18:02

I am so sorry for your loss.
I have no words that will help with the pain but please remember there are lots of us here that have been through similar so do come back and talk to us.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Be strong and you will come out the otherside.

festivefriedawhingesagain · 03/12/2010 18:10

So, so sorry for your loss xx

CazandBelle · 03/12/2010 18:18

CandG I'm so so sorry to hear about your darling little girl. It brings a lump to my throat every time I hear about another angel.

My daughter Belle was born sleeping at 32 weeks in June. It took 5 days to induce me (2 days of tablets, a 'rest' day and then 2 days of pessaries) but I hadn't laboured before as Belle was my first and wasn't as far on as you are. I was on morphine throughout labour, for me it dulled my senses rather than the pain. I was quite out of it for much of my labour.

I expect at the moment you feel like its all an out of body experience. I wish I had words to bring you comfort, please take very gentle steps. It will be a very rocky road, almost 6 months on and there are very dark days, but you survive. Concentrate on the minutes at the moment, then the hours and then the days, then the weeks, then the months, years etc. I currently concentrate on days, almost weeks. But remember you've done nothing wrong. I too struggle with guilt, I think its a natural mothers instinct but there is nothing we could've done.

I would second those who have said take as many memories as you can. You will only ever regret the things you didn't do, not the things that you did.

After Belle was born we had skin-to-skin contact with her as we had planned to if she had been alive. I dressed her myself, took hand and footprints, a lock of her hair, took loads of photographs. Keep your daughter with you for as long as you want to - we kept Belle with us for 12 hours and I treasure every one of those minutes with her.

Over the next few days do whatever it takes to survive. Do not feel guilty about any decisions you make.

You will find lots of support on the bereaved Mummies thread. There are quite a few of us there who have angel babies. Please come and find us if you want to. (Sands is excellent too - I'm AngelBelle there, there is also a section just for Dads that your DH may find helpful.)
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1088644-Flying-high-enjoying-their-wings-Remembering-our-precious-much-loved-children

Sending you so much love. Please PM me if you want to. xxx

chimchar · 03/12/2010 18:21

I'm so so sorry about your little girl. What heartbreaking news.
Will be thinking about you over the coming days xx

chimchar · 03/12/2010 18:22

I'm so so sorry about your little girl. What heartbreaking news.
Will be thinking about you over the coming days xx

Secretwishescometrue · 03/12/2010 18:26

I'm so very very sorry cheese :( you are in my thoughts xxx

shortandsweet2 · 03/12/2010 18:31

I'm so so sorry for your loss :(

stressheaderic · 03/12/2010 18:35

Very very sad to read your posts, thinking of you and your family.

biglips · 03/12/2010 18:37

so sorry to hear Sad

TheUnmentioned · 03/12/2010 18:44

im so so sorry for your loss

AntPants1 · 03/12/2010 18:46

I am so very very sorry.

I lost my son at 20 weeks and was induced. Overall it took 12 hours or so. They started off with pesaries every hour or so (sorry I am still a bit hazy about that day). After my third pessary I started having contractions. I was then in labour for about 3 hours before he was born. Although you will be dreading the whole ordeal of labour in hindsight I am really glad I went through it. It felt like the last thing I could do for my son and also a chance to say goodbye.

I am so truely sorry you are going through this. I have set out below a few things I think might help:

  • take all pain relief. Because emotionally you are in so much pain you may find it really hard to cope with the labour pain- I have had 2 other labours and so I know what I can cope with and this was much harder for me. I was offered and had a morphine pump which allowed me to control my pain relief. It did mean I was slightly "stoned" but I do not think this was a bad thing given how sad I was- i mean stoned as in it had taken the edge off things rather than me being out of control or not knowing what was going on.
  • decide whether you want to see your baby or not. Do you want to dress her/ bath her/ put an outfit on her? We decided not to see our son but did ask for photos to be taken and I still do not regret that decision- you must do what feels right to you.
  • Name your baby- give your grief a name. I found it really helped. I have always been very clear that I lost a Child. It was not a miscarriage- also awful but different.
  • Afterwards if anyone trys to "contain" your grief, minimise your grief by saying things like "it was for the best" or at least you have your DC" or "at least you have not lost a living child " tell them to F off. You have suffered an appaling loss. Be kind to yourself and your DH. Remember you may grieve in different ways. Give yourself time. Acknowledge your grief and talk about her by name. She existed. Only for a short time but she has touched your life and she matters.

I don't know if this helps but a year after what would have been my due date I finally had a much baby and have now completed my family. I think of Tom often and am still so sad but as a family we have got through it and now have the joy of our lovely son who is now 9 months old.

Once again I am so very very sorry.

All my love

A

xx

spilttheteaagain · 03/12/2010 19:00

So so sorry to hear this. I lost my daughter at 20 weeks in October and had to be induced. I had the oral tablet and went back in 36 hours later. They put 4 pessaries in and I started feeling pain within 30 mins, contracting properly maybe after an hour (1st labour so I wasn't sure what a contraction would feel like). From pessaries to delivery was 3 hrs 20 mins for me, but obviously it was a lot earlier in my pregnancy.

I second everyone who has said to take your time with your little girl. If you are frightened to see her (a perfectly normal reaction) you can ask the midwives to describe her to you first, or bring her to you wrapped in a blanket so you can look bit by bit. She will be beautiful and perfect. The photos and hand/foot prints I have of Bobbie are so so precious. We took about 70 photos and I still wish I had more. Photos of her on her own, close ups of her face, hands, feet, photos of her naked, photos of her wrapped, photos of me holding her, DH holding her, us both with her... take as many as you want.

Don't let anyone hurry you, and take your time thinking about funeral arrangements. We chose a burial as having the grave to visit was so important to me.

I hope tomorrow is medically uncomplicated and that you get to make some very precious memories. Even at only 8 weeks later I look back on the day of Bobbie's birth as a precious special day. The only day I ever got with her and I treasure every moment of it.

Thinking of you xx

spilttheteaagain · 03/12/2010 19:02

A little verse a MNer gave me which I have treasured:

How very softly you tiptoed into our lives, almost silently,
Only a moment you stayed
But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon our hearts.

MrsDrOwenHunt · 03/12/2010 20:51

so sorry cheese xx

FanjolinaJolie · 03/12/2010 21:01

What awful and very sad news for you and your family. So very sorry.

SirBoobAlot · 03/12/2010 21:01

I'm so sorry for your loss C&G, and for your little girl :( You did nothing wrong, there's nothing you could have done. It is a truly awful fact of life that these things happen - but they are not caused by the people who then have to endure them.

I will be praying for you tomorrow. x

SparkleSoiree · 03/12/2010 21:02

So very sorry to hear of your loss Cheese.

snowwombat · 03/12/2010 21:10

so so sorry for the loss of your precious baby Sad.

Our DS1 was born and died at 20 weeks. The midwives were fantastic and although I had to deliver him in delivery suite, we had all the time we wanted with him and were moved into a private room, at the end of the ante-natal ward.

We were able to have skin to skin, bathe and dress him. Plenty of photos were taken. I had a favourite bunny rug that I wrapped and buried him in (although kept a little corner of it for myself). Hand and footprints were taken by the hospital staff and passed onto the local arts college. They gave us a ceramic of the prints.

Do not blame yourself, there is nothing you could have done. Don't put any expectations on what you or your DH should do or feel. I am so so sorry that you are going through this and will be thinking of you over the weekend.

Ulysses · 03/12/2010 21:19

Am so sorry, what agony you must be in. Will be thinking of you. x

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