37 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday that our baby has died

[CheeseandGherkins]

I'm still totally in shock, as is DH, our little girl has died. I hadn't felt movements since late on Wednesday and when I went in on Thursday they couldn't find a heartbeat with doppler. Sent straight for a scan and there was no heartbeat.

I already have 3 dcs who are so upset but it was DH's first baby.

I have to go in today, in a few hours, for a tablet to start things off but I can come home after an hour apparently and then go back 24 hours or so later (if nothing happens) to start inducement properly.

Does anyone have any experience of this? I'm scared of being induced, which sounds stupid under the circumstances but there it is. How long will it take? First 3 labours were fast, 3 and a half, 3 hours and just over an hour.

I still keep expecting to feel her move but of course she won't. Feels so surreal and that it can't be happening but it is. I was due on Dec 23rd.

I don't know what to do.

Cheese - it's good to hear from you x

About what DH said - when I was in my early 20's I went through something and when I was driving I'd look lamposts and think about speeding up and ploughing into one... even at the time I knew I wouldn't go through with it, but I did think 'I wonder what it would be like' - it's a hard thing to explain, but I'm sure you've got nothing to worry about.

Is DH still seeing the GP, did he get any AD's/therapy?

I wish you lived near me - I really, really just want to hold you while you cry & let it all out. With 'this thread' just do whatever helps you - if writing down your thoughts helps then do it! I'm glad that knowing you have people on here who really care about you and would do anything to help you, makes you feel a little less alone.

I hope that you can start to make more friends IRL where you are, it's not easy, especially if you have spent a lot of time in the past keeping people at arms length.

Yes it was 37 last time - such a 'loaded' number :(

A memorial service. It might be nice to have one when the headstone is in place?! Personally, I couldn't go through it myself, but everyone is different and what comforts one stresses out another.

As for your BIL - would he come? Probably not. Would that upset you and DH? Yes.... I know that you need to find a way to let it go, to not let it upset you anymore and all that - but I have no suggestions on how to do that, because I know I (didn't) couldn't. I hate the man for what he's put you and DH through and I don't even know him. There isn't one single thing he could do now to redeem himself in my eyes, not one.

There was a woman on TV (I didn't see the whole programme - it was newsnight or something like that), her daughter Scarlett had died from having a cord wrapped around her neck - the womans name was Sam I think. From what I could gather it was reasonably recently. I was sure it must be you as there were so many things exactly the same. It was only a short interview.

How do the kids seem to be doing?

xoxox

It's good to hear from you too :) 5 months tomorrow, how can that be?

I hope so, he's not said anything since so either he's not saying or doesn't think it. He's got another gp appt in a couple of weeks I think and was given numbers of therapists to call. He avoids things a lot though.

I wish you lived near me for that too, I find it so hard in real life to be anything more than "normal", hold everything in, sometimes I explode a bit on facebook (did that a lot earlier on) but I try hard not to now really. People expect me to be ok now, and I get the impression that it's like shut up and let them get on without feeling bad for me hurting. If that makes any sense.

I'm shit at making friends, I find it far easier online, I don't know why. I have a couple here but more where I lived in London. It's just difficult.

With the headstone, I think partly because it still hadn't really hit me properly at that time, yes I cried and I was upset but really it just felt surreal. NOt even looked at the headstones yet, other than the ones when we've visited her.

bil sigh, I don't know either. I just want him to care and make an effort, would it really hurt him that much? If he didn't would that mean he didn't care? I think that's exactly what it means but apparently it meant the opposite with Scarlett's funeral. I could rage so much and I waste too much head space on it, it really upsets me. No effort nothing. Not one thing. How can anyone do that? Even someone I barely knew I would do more than he did with us. But then their family thinks that's ok???!! How??? Really??! But they insist he cares....Why do I even care, I dont even know. It bothers dh, I know, maybe that's why.

That wasn't me on the TV, what channel was it? Maybe someone stole the story...wouldn't be the first time it happened on the net would it.

The kids are ok, more so the boys, daughter is having a rough time but more to do with other crap with ex. I had to name change to this one after talking about all that on my normal name. Can pm if you want to know,xxx

I see you are sleeping much better...

5 months - time is funny isn't it, in some ways it feels like forever, in other ways just yesterday :(

I think it's quite hard to go and see a therapist, we're (mostly) brought up to just get on with it aren't we. In some ways I can see the benefit in seeing one, in other ways I tend to feel 'they can't change what's happened' - I know the idea is to change how you deal with it...

I don't know that it's shut up and let them get on without feeling bad for me hurting. Having been on both sides of it ... I think it's more a case of 'What the hell do I say now? - I don't want to bring her down if she's feeling OK at the moment so I wont say anything... then again, if I don't she'll think I've forgotten, but if she's OK I'll upset her....and ends up with 'Hi - nice weather' ' Even having been on the otherside - I don't know what to say to someone who is bereaved after a little while.... and I don't know what I want anyone to say to me. Add into that we are all different and it's a mine field! I want people to talk to me about the person, but when they do I get upset - now that's OK with me, I'd rather talk abou them and get upset than not talk about them.... but obviously other people don't want to upset me so they don't talk about them... it's hard - for everyone. (Well, of course you do get some people who just think 'She should be over it by now' - but you just have to think that one day they will know it doesn't work like that!).

It's hard to make friends when you are 'grown up'. People already have their own lives and everyone seems so busy ... but I think you (& I) have to make a real effort to make friends rather than hope they'll fall in our laps! It's hard though. I haven't been here long and have found it hard to make any proper friends - lots of people to say 'Hi' to in passing, but that's about it.

Organising the headstone is really hard and very easy to keep putting off - you don't want to be doing it!

BIL is just a selfish fuckwit and frankly I'd refuse to have anything to do with him unless he explained himself and even then I can't think of anything he could say that would make me change my mind. I'd tell your SIL & MIL that their protests that he does care mean nothing against his behaviour.

Sorry I can't remember what programme or channel it was on. I wasn't really watching it, my ears just pricked up when she was talking. It wouldn't be the first time a story has been 'stolen' and I have no idea what the programmers do to make sure it's authentic. Either way, you have to feel sorry for her I guess.

Yes - PM me your old name :) It would be nice to put the two together x

It's warmer but grey here today. I'd rather have sunny & chilly!

x

6 months, well yesterday techincally. I can't believe it's been so long but feels so short a time.

It feels like forever since your post Chipping

I'd love people to ask me, to see how I felt, but mean it; not the how are you. I feel so bloody awful.
Sorry, little bit tipsy, now, answer properly tomorrow

c&g i can't believe it has been 6 months already :(

how is dd1 now? you mentioned up thread that she had been having a tough time. hope the issues with your xp are not too bad atm.

x

Hi C&G, can't believe 6 months have passed. You and your family are still in the thoughts of those of us from the AN thread.

How are you doing? And DH and the DCs? I really hope the days and nights are a little more bearable for you, that you are sleeping better and things with the ILs have settled down.

Take care x

mumatron Dd1 is coping a lot better now, ex issues are a lot easier thankfully and she chooses not to see him so it's left at that. She's so much happier and more relaxed now she doesn't have to see him.

max It's nice to know we're thought of. The dcs are well, dh not so much. He's depressed and on anti depressants now which are helping but only a few weeks in so need to give it a bit longer yet.

I've recently found out that I'm pregnant again which I'm overjoyed at but also terrifed. I should be 7 weeks tomorrow and have a scan in the morning at the EPU. Very emotional time as we're trying to find the right headstone for Scarlett and missing her so much but thinking of this new baby too and what will happen. Sleep sorted itself out a week before I found out I was pregnant so I guess my body knew. Keeping my fingers firmly crossed for this baby.

Congratulations C and G. Isn't life bittersweet? Good luck with Scarlett's headstone - it is so important and so final, somehow.I hope you continue to sleep and all is going well with the pregnancy.

C&G I'm sorry I haven't been back for so long. I truly hope the pregnancy is going well.

I know how difficult it is to support someone suffering with depression and how worrying it is when a LO says or does things that make you worry even more. I remember the feeling of wanting to keep DH in my sights all the time just so I would know he was safe and wasn't going to do anything stupid. I hope the ads are helping your DH.

I have been thinking of you too and can't believe it has been 6 months since Scarlett died.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope your scan goes well.

Hi Max the ads have been helping him a lot, he's had other health issues recently though and is now taking his clexane injections daily as he should have been but also a high steroid does as his platelet levels went down to 11. He was supposed to be admitted but he refused, luckily that went ok and they're rising now. The test is when the steroids are lowered more, depends if his levels stay on the up or drop again.

Fab it will be 10 months on Sunday since she died, I can hardly believe it. I'm also 16 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Time has flown.

I have gestational diabetes and have been on insulin for about 2 weeks now. They said I would have had it last time and that the PM results and my symptoms etc during pregnancy all indicated to this. It's possible that this could have caused her death and not the cord accident like the hospital said. I'm so glad I switched hospitals now as they had me blood testing 4 times a day from 13ish weeks to check for GD because of what I told them about the history. Old hospital were just going to give me a GTT at 24 weeks... I'm injecting 3 times a day now, before breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I have some kind of flu thing at the moment which is dragging me down but things are brighter than they were 10 months ago. I still can't believe it's nearly a year. I still have very bad days but they are fewer between, not a day goes by without me thinking about Scarlett. The dcs talk about her too and now this baby, Dd1 was talking to me last night about this pregnancy and I said we'd have to wait and see what happened. She said that this baby won't go, very mature for a 9 year old. I hope she's right.