37 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday that our baby has died

[CheeseandGherkins]

I'm still totally in shock, as is DH, our little girl has died. I hadn't felt movements since late on Wednesday and when I went in on Thursday they couldn't find a heartbeat with doppler. Sent straight for a scan and there was no heartbeat.

I already have 3 dcs who are so upset but it was DH's first baby.

I have to go in today, in a few hours, for a tablet to start things off but I can come home after an hour apparently and then go back 24 hours or so later (if nothing happens) to start inducement properly.

Does anyone have any experience of this? I'm scared of being induced, which sounds stupid under the circumstances but there it is. How long will it take? First 3 labours were fast, 3 and a half, 3 hours and just over an hour.

I still keep expecting to feel her move but of course she won't. Feels so surreal and that it can't be happening but it is. I was due on Dec 23rd.

I don't know what to do.

WTH?? YOU'RE being insensitive??? Sorry, but what a load of shite.
Fuming for you. I assume this was said on FB? Bloody cowards - if they have an issue with you they should tell you directly, not snipe about it on FB. Ignorant fuckwits.

I'm so sorry. You have enough to deal with :(

C&G - Have been away for a while and am so sorry to hear the problems you are having. I really don't have any advice just be kind to yourself and your children. You are still in our thoughts and prayers.

Jacksmama - yes apparently so, I found it quite hard to believe/deal with too. I've still not been able to reply to the message I was sent by mil about it either, I don't know what to say or how to work it as all I want to say is how wrong and hurtful it was and the last thing I need now is more arguements and hurt. I understand her children come first but I didn't think that it would be to this extent where she'd say something like that after I've just lost our baby.

gailforce - thank you, I've been trying, a lot. Some days and nights are ok others aren't. I'm still very up and down, which makes it hard to deal with.

I've been eating more and trying to sleep, getting a couple hours at night and then napping once the kids are at school/pre-school, but even then I relive everything. Like last night, I slept around 1am and was up before 5am. I kept going over everything in my head, the days before we found out, the finding out and the birth; everything. Makes it hard to sleep. Always thoughts in my head. I know I will get through this, I know I will but it doesn't make it any easier to cope with. I've been so down before and depressed but I can't go back to that so I'm trying to deal with things the only way I can.

Ranting and venting helps but so does talking, I'm odd though as I find it so much easier online or typing to talk than in person; even texts etc is easy. Actually talking, I find incredibly difficult, so I tend not to really.

Thank you all so much, without this I would have been struggling so much right now. You've all helped so much more than you'll realise, the candles being lit gave me strength to get through the birth and afterwards; the thought of so many people praying for our lovely daughter and for us got me through that.

Cheese - sorry I haven't posted in a while x

I honestly don't care what your BIL has been through, unless he's currently going through something similar to you (and he clearly isn't or you'd know all about it from MIL) then he just needs to grow the fuck up and be there for his brother when he needs him.

Wrt your MIL's FB twitterings - this might not be your best move but it's what I would do! I would post something like 'What I put on FB is my business, but just to let you know that my comment was to support my DH and had nothing to do with BIL, but as the cap fits he can certainly wear it. BIL has completely ignored Scarlett and his DB - there's no excuse for that. I'm not sure why you and your friend think I am the one that needs to grow up. My DD has just died, I need support, not this crap'.

Have you had Scarlett's PM back yet?

Rant away, it's so much better than bottling it up xxx

I'm glad this has helped you. And we're here for as long as you need us. (((((((HUG)))))))

Oh and absolutely, I agree one hundred percent with ChippingIn. In fact, I'm sure that if you wanted us yo, we would post that very thing on FB for you!!

wanted us to
Can't type

Chipping - your posts make me cry through validation, how sad am I though, needing that at a time like this. God, I don't know, I half feel like I'm doing something wrong. Honestly, I do. That's why I haven't replied yet to mil. It's a whole load of shit as my mum saw her comment also as is now pissed off and upset as she said it was about me. I really just don't know what to say.

How can someone say that after seeing someone else lose their baby but still have to give birth and everything that goes with that? I just don't get it. I'm so lucky to have my family and especially my mum and dad, dh of course.

Since all this I think I've just changed, I feel like I just give in to everything when I know I shouldn't and that it's wrong.

I mailed bil, no answer. Mil said that what I'd said about bil was nasty and that I'd feel the same if it was said about my dcs...all I said was the comment about being there for my husband on his page and then one thing on my status that I wish some people would care more but fuck it, something along those lines. And this is after everything else, I just want things to be all happy but I feel like a cunt right now just bowing and scraping to people...

Fact is, if my dc's did that, I would be disgusted at them and say so, nothing would get me over that.

No results yet, called the hospital today and I was "overlooked" apparently to the consultant's sec is calling tomorrow to make an appt, hopefully.

I keep going over everything in my head, it's why I can't sleep, the birth, so much. Felt like a normal birth, but it wasn't, and I couldn't even have anything more than gas and air ( and paracetemol) as I felt I'd do Scarlett wrong, sounds stupid but that's all I had with my others. even though I was hooked up to a morphine drip, I didn't use it. I couldn't.

Thank you

Cross post there Jacksmama, thank you, could kiss you both right now

I can't imagine going through what you did, knowing that the end result was going to be your poor little angel. You're so incredibly brave, trying to cope as well as you are for everyone else's sake. Really, I'm in awe of you. In your shoes I think I'd have to be institutionalized.
And it's not sad to need and appreciate validation. Really.
I wish you weren't awake at 3 am :(. I wish you could sleep without bad dreams and wake up without reliving everything. I wish I could help.

Meh, it's not about me. What I mean is I wish that there was something, ANYTHING, that could help YOU. Other than having a living Scarlett in your arms.

I'm typing on my iPhone making dinner, and DH was asking me why I was crying, and I told him. He said, "give me the phone, I just want to tell her (you)... shit, I don't know what to say but tell her a random stranger in Canada is feeling terrible for her". My DH is a love.
((((HUGS)))) from both of us.

I don't think I'm brave at all, I cry and find things hard, I feel sometimes like if I go past a certain point then I'll be really bad; but I can feel that in a way? I don't know, maybe it's just all the way things feel now but I try not to let myself "go" to much. I cry and grieve but I feel there is a point and if I hit that then it'll be worse for me.

I vary in when I awake now, at first it was late at night a lot but more and more now it's earlier. Last night I was asleep by 1am and sleep a few hours, so I'm getting there slowly. Sometimes it's just not going to happen.

Jacksmama - you and your dh are lovely, wonderful people and know that you've helped me a lot and that your thoughts and words have made things easier, honestly, thank you both x

C&G - so sorry you're still getting shite from your ILs.

THEY are the ones who need to grow the fuck up, not you. You are dealing with one of life's worst blows - the loss of a child. If for some reason they think they can "top" that, good on 'em - but they could have the common decency to show some sympathy with you and your DH's plight. Not being able to do so, makes them selfish insensitive bastards. All of them.

Your dream - reminds me of the ones I had after my Mum died - a few of them, I had. So real, one of them I dreamt that she had got better, another that she was still very ill but still alive - all different, all slightly hallucinogenic in that I believed them when I woke up for those few seconds. I kind of saw them as messages from her - to say she was ok now, honestly. And that helped me.

I can't really say anything that will make you "feel better" - but do believe that YOU are ALLOWED to feel like you do, and that your ILs are FULLY in the wrong here and if they can't stop being petty for long enough to see that, then it's not up to you to make them. It's very tough for your DH that he has been so badly let down by his own family (what a shock for him!) but he still has you and your family and if that's not enough (because he doesn't want to burden you any more) then he needs to get some professional counselling. CRUSE may be able to help with that.

(((hugs))) for you and your family - I hope that you get some sleep soon. Have you been to the GP to get some sleeping tablets? Sometimes it helps, short term - breaks the sleeplessness pattern and allows your body to rest, even if your mind is still running at 100mph.

C&G. I have just read through this and I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. Her picture is beautiful.
As for your inlaws, I am sorry that yourself and your DH are not getting any support. Sad and angry that they are not grieving with you. Scarlett was their niece and grandchild.
Sending many virtual hugs xxx

Cheese - I'm glad I can help you to cry. Crying is good for you, it releases stress and relaxes you - or so they say...

It is not sad at all to need/want to feel validated - we all need that and at times like this you need it more not less and at this time, and because it's his family, you aren't able to get your validation from DH. Whereas we can tell you exactly what wankers his family are being without feeling remotely disloyal.

If by 'doing something wrong' you mean in regard to his family, you are definintely not. You have shown great restraint - far more than I could have managed I'm sure - but it's hard to say, sometimes grief just wipes you out so much that you just don't have the strength to fight.

Of course you wouldn't have said that if it was your DC, just as you wouldn't have just stood by and watched one of your DC treat another one like BIL treat your DH. You, I and any decent Mother would have been telling him to sort his shit out, get his arse to the funeral of his niece and act like a MAN!

I have no idea how she take BIL's side and how she could say that to you, but I'll tell you one thing for sure, it would be a cold day in hell before either of them set foot over my doorstep again. I would tell DH that and tell him if he wants to see either of them he's free to, of course, but I wouldn't be. There's no excuse for either of them.

Of course you have changed - you will never be the same as you were before you lost Scarlett, however, you will get your Mojo back and be much much more like the 'old' you. You learn over time to live alongside the grief, but it will never be 'not there'.

You were 'overlooked' and some fuck muppet actually said that to you? I despair. Honestly, how bloody insensitive can some people be?! I do hope you get the PM soon, it does feel like one less thing you are 'waiting for' and it will hopefully give you some idea of what went wrong - even if it just confirms it was her cord :( Maybe it will help you to stop going over things in your head, once you have some answers.

Going through the birth of a baby you have already lost has to be one of lifes very worst experiences. It is beyond cruel still having to go through the birth :(

Of course it doesn't sound 'stupid' not to have wanted to take more than G&A as you would have if things had been different. I think you were incredibly brave though, I think I would have wanted to be drugged to the max - but who knows? You can't know until it's you.

I understand what you mean about being scared of going too far - I felt the same, then one day it just crept up on me - I was alone, no-one else to upset with my grief and I lost it - big time. I was in my car in a car park and I was in a right state - but eventually you stop - you just run out of energy :(

Lots of love & hugs
Chippy
xoxo

c&g I just wanted you to know my family are still thinking of you and I wish there was some way to make this better for you , I cannot imagine the pain you are in.
chipping you always speak such wise words!

C&G, I'm online if you're awake and need someone (it's 6:45 pm here). xxJM

C&G I am desperately sorry for the loss of your gorgeous daughter. Life can be cruel and unkind.

My mum lost a daughter at 35 weeks before I was born and in those days they whisked the baby off and there was no opportunity to see/touch him/her, no footprints, nothing.

She doesn't mention it much but I know 40 years later, she still thinks about her baby.

You won't 'get over it' you will learn to live with it and it will be a burden which will become easier to bear.

What you should not have to bear is the insensitivity and horrific unkindness and selfishness of your in-laws. How dare they think their feelings are more important than yours. How old is your BIL? Your MIL seems to be sticking up for him as though he were a child in a playground argument. Your MIL needs to mind her own business and your BIL needs to man up and stop hiding behind his mother for God's sake, it's pathetic.

They are both totally and utterly in the wrong and they damn well know it.

I am so upset that you should have to deal with this crap when you are already suffering the worst thing that could happen.

I hope your DH and DCs are looking after you, you need lots of loving right now.

Sending you virtual strength and love for the days to come

TSF x

Thanks again, we have a consultant appointment on Thursday now, my mum ended up calling the hospital for me to find out what was going on and compained a lot! The head of midwifery called her back to aplogise and they've gone out of their way to get us seen this week, even called the consultant at home to get it sorted out! So pleased though, I didn't want to wait another week.

We went to the cemetary yesterday, it was very peaceful; then went to buy some things to leave there. We bought some candles, windchimes and a few other little bits so it should be nice,

thumdabwitch - gets worse, mil sent dh a text to say he may as well forget them :( (meaning her and his 2 sisters; they're 11 and 14) cannot believe she is putting him through that right now, trying to make him feel guilty. I just hope she's said similar to bil. Sleep is getting better slowly, 12.30-6am today, I can't take tablets or anything and don't really want to either, I'm odd with medication.

fridakahlo - thank you.

Chipping - had a "good" weekend and few days now which feels better. Even through all this I'm worried about how this is all affecting relationships with bil and mil but I don't bloody know why! I'm thinking ahead I guess, I don't want any other baby we have to be isolated from one side of their family. She was breach as well, footling and they almost had to use forceps as one of her legs was stuck up, they tried a few times to bring it down manually and on the last attempt it worked. Even tried an ecv before labour which was painful! Thanks so much for all your kind words, talking through things really helps.

MrsS - thank you, hope things are going well for you and everyone else, did Japh ever reappear?

Jacksmama - thanks, I wasn't about but I appreciate the offer :)

twosofar - your poor mum :( bil is 28 I think, but dh is 24...That's the issue, neither think they are wrong at all I think. I've been talking to sil (bil's girlfriend) and she's really nice, said bil does care he just finds it hard to talk or show things. I even sent bil a message which he hasn't replied to, I can't do anymore than that, if he won't/can't reply then I can't actually do more.

Enjoying the quiet here at the moment and drinking tea before the kids get up. I just hope things can be resolved as I don't want the memory ot Scarlett tarnished by a huge family row. It seems so disrespectful in a way.

Cheese - I'm pleased you finally have an appointment, I'd disgusted at the way they have dealt with you, I hope when you feel up to it you write a letter of complaint. I really hope it answers some of your questions. It's also one more thing 'done', one less thing you are 'waiting for'.

Your MIL is un-fucking-beliveable. Honestly, how can she be so stupid and insensitive?? MIL & BIL are both a disgrace. I am suprised that your SIL hasn't kicked him into touch as she's so lovely. 'Finds it hard to talk or show feelings' - he could have just come to Scarletts funeral, give you both a hug - that's all he needed to do. There's no excuse for adults acting like this. None.

Did you mean 28 & 24 or 38 & 34??

Try not to think of it as tarnishing Scarlett's memory, but simply as them showing their true colours.

Did you get both of the casts - have they come out well?

It's good to see you are getting some sleep, make sure you are eating too. Look after yourself xxx

Cheese I have followed your thread from the beginning but not posted before. I never knew what to say (and still don't) but I just want you to know I'm another one thinking of you at this awful time. I'm so, so sorry you're going through this.
I can't believe how your mil and bil are behaving. They sound selfish and insensitive.

Take care xxxxx

Hi Cheese, sorry I've not been around lately. I can't believe your in laws are behaving in this way, I'm so angry on your behalf. It just seems so cruel that they are treating you like this after all that you and your dh have gone through.

Please keep trying to eat and sleep and do PM me if you want to. Almost 8 months down the line I still have bad days but it does get easier. Not a day goes by when I don't think about Malachy but thinking about him hurts a little less than it used. I still think how unfair it is but I guess we all know that life is often shit.

Take care and sending you a hug x

Cheese - I'm not sure what time your appointment is today, but I just wanted you to know I will be thinking of you. As much as you want to see the consultant and as much as the information will hopefully put your mind at rest about what happened - it's a very, very difficult thing to have to hear. There will be lots of us right there with you & DH.

Let us know how it goes - but only when you feel able to, look after yourselves.

Big Hugs
xxx