37 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday that our baby has died

[CheeseandGherkins]

I'm still totally in shock, as is DH, our little girl has died. I hadn't felt movements since late on Wednesday and when I went in on Thursday they couldn't find a heartbeat with doppler. Sent straight for a scan and there was no heartbeat.

I already have 3 dcs who are so upset but it was DH's first baby.

I have to go in today, in a few hours, for a tablet to start things off but I can come home after an hour apparently and then go back 24 hours or so later (if nothing happens) to start inducement properly.

Does anyone have any experience of this? I'm scared of being induced, which sounds stupid under the circumstances but there it is. How long will it take? First 3 labours were fast, 3 and a half, 3 hours and just over an hour.

I still keep expecting to feel her move but of course she won't. Feels so surreal and that it can't be happening but it is. I was due on Dec 23rd.

I don't know what to do.

Thinking of you re consultant appointment today. ((((HUG))))

your consultant appointment

Stupid iPhone

Thinking of you, you have being on my mind all day. Stay strong.

Sending you the worlds love thoughts and prayers xx

Just wanted to update you quickly (will reply to everyone later/tomorrow), we saw the consultant and it was the cord. She had the cord wrapped around her neck 3 times and around her wrist twice :( The consultant was the one there on the day so she remembered seeing her too and she remembered her name, which was lovely.

There was nothing else wrong with her. They said her brain showed brain damage that happened a couple of hours before she died but that she died quickly and didn't suffer. It's a relief to know but also sad at the same time. Apparently my protein s levels were higher or lower (can't remember now but the one that makes you clot) than they should be so she wants me to have some blood tests next month but she thinks it's normal for that to happen in pregnancy and this is just a precaution.

We talked about what would happen in another pregnancy too and they'd induce early, early referral to hospital when I get pregnant and would do early gestational diabetes tests as she was a bit bigger than the "norm" for 37 weeks. I passed GTT with her though so she thinks it's just that dh is tall. They'd do one at 24, 28 and 32 weeks plus see me every 4 weeks and do extra scans and monitoring. If fluid is high again (she thinks that contributed as she could move about easier) then they would admit me with a view to even earlier induction. She said the baby could be in scbu with breathing problems but on balance that is better than not living, makes sense. Also they'd start off by breaking my waters and a drip, I guess so it's faster for me and not having to wait after gel. Any problems though, even before labour and they'd give me a c-section.

I'm happy with how it went, feel more at peace now although very emotionally drained. I couldn't stop shaking in the appointment and felt like I was going to faint the whole time until we got home.

Oh my dear. Oh sweetie, I wish I could just give you the world's biggest hug. It is better to know but I don't know how you got through such an awful appointment. I'm so sad for you, not that that helps you in any way... but maybe just to know that there are lots of us all over the world holding you in our thoughts.
Much love to you, and to Scarlett, poor little wee thing.

Oh Cheese, I'm so sorry but as Jacksmama said it is better to know why. I'm glad to hear that the hospital have given you a plan for future pregnancies. Thinking of you and your precious Scarlett xx

Oh my love, there are no words really. It's nice that the consultant was there at the delivery, that she remembered Scarlett and her name.

It's heartbreaking to know that Scarlett was perfectly fine & healthy - that there wasn't anything wrong with her other than the cord :( It's a little bit of comfort that she died quickly and didn't suffer.

They have presented a very good plan for if you do have another pregnancy - do you feel reassured by what they said?

I hope you are getting some sleep tonight and that although today was difficult beyond words I hope some of the feeling of 'peace' stays with you. Hopefully you will start to sleep a little better now that you have the answer and know that there wasn't a single thing you could have done differently - you did everything you could have x

Lots of love & hugs
xox

Just thinking of you.

Hi C&G

I hope the consultants appt went ok yesterday & that you have some answers.

I'm speechless about your MIL, what a nasty piece of work she is, appalling. :( From now on I really wouldn't waste your energy on her, she needs to get over herself and be there for you and DH, not acting like a spoilt brat.

Hugs xxx

Oh sorry please disregard my previous comment, didn't see your post before I posted. X

Just read your update now.

Such a tragedy that it was the cord, but hopefully some comfort to you that she didn't suffer.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Xxx

Biscuit - saying anything helps, truely, I've come to learn that. :)

Minione - I've been trying, sleeping better, some days are better than others. Inlaws...don't even know what to say. Much better knowing though

Jacksmana - I wish that too, not feeling good now :( just trying to hold it together.

Chipping - I do feel better knowing the plan for future, although I know I'll worry (if I get pregnant again) and I'll have to take it as it comes.

TLCDoula - thank you.

I've since sent messages/texts to both bil and mil and neither have replies, nice ones btw, I just don't get it. I really feel like nothing I can do or say matters, other than their feelings and grievances...I really don't know where to go from here. I've already gone past my own boundaries. Some part of me needs approval to feel the way I do but I don't know why and also to know that what I said was ok. Still cannot believe that a facebook comment makes mil "hurt" more than making me hurt after our daughter died. Am I wrong here or what? I just don't get it, I really don't. I feel angry and upset all at the same time, I mean ffs we are the ones that lost our daughter and im supposed to bow and scrape? Done enough of that now and I fully believe if this were the other way around we'd be the cunts in it all. .....

Hi Cheese first of all may I send you a ((((HUG)))). I haven't posted on here before and I have only just seen your posts as I am new to MN. I've read through them and I have seen your beautiful little girl and my heart just reaches out to you and your DH and DC's and I want to wrap you all up in a huge hug blanket, you are all so brave.

There isn't anything that I can add to the wonderful posts that the other MNetter's have already said to you. I also know that what this is really about is somewhere for you to be able to do the talking, so please do keep on posting and know that we are all here for you and your loved ones and always will be.

You don't need any approval to feel the way you do about MIL and BIL and what you said was perfectly okay. From reading your posts though, I would point out that MIL is already acknowledgeing (without realising it) that her so called son your BIL was and is completely out of order. Your post on your husband's page was totally about support for him, you mentioned no names and you singled no one out and yet....she knows exactly who you were talking about and has reacted....

Just saw your post and had to let you know, I still think of you and beautiful Scarlett often. I will never forget. I met someone 15 yrs ago who this happened to, and still remember, so I do mean that, every year she will be remembered by some anonymous internet woman, God, I sound creepy now but I wish there was anything in the world I could do. Just can't beleive there are people you know in RL who can be so callous towards you.

I hope that today is the start of forgivng yourself and getting some peace. Thankfully you have an explanation and a plan of care if you are pg again, I hope this helps and wish you and your DH and kids every future happiness, cos you sure as hell deserve it.

I have hesitated to post for fear of causing upset, sorry I felt I had to say something and don't know the best way to do it...love and hugs to you and your family.

...in the age old way of "the best line of defence is attack".

Her very attack on you vindicates fully how you feel about BIL and MIL. So be easy on yourself and don't worry about getting any further response from them to say 'sorry you were right', it's already been acknowledged by their reactions.

I am sending you all the love in the world from myself my DP and our family and please know that if you ever ever need anything just PM and we'll be there for you. I mean that completely.

You're in our prayers C&G xx
Lots of Love to you, your DH, DC's and your beautiful little Scarlett xxxxxx

G&G, I might have missed it (well, obviously I have) but where is Scarlett's picture? On your profile? I would love to see it.

Re your MIL and BIL... there are no words. They are being vile. YOUR loss is the most important thing - shame on them for being so selfish and immature .

Sending you a million ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))). In my thoughts, I am wrapping you in my arms and rocking you and crying with you. Love, love, love - JM.

Jacks - C&G put a link in an earlier post - Scarlett's photo is here

Cheese - Please try not to waste any more of your energy on them. You haven't done anything wrong, you have been far lovelier and more understanding than was called for. They are both acting like twats, it's now down to them to start behaving like half decent human beings, stop running after them and let them come to you. Concentrate on you and yours x

Thanks Chipping, I figured I was having a blonde moment .

C&G, once again I second ChippingIn.
((((HUG))))

Cheese,

I check this thread from time to time but think about you often.

I hope the results provide a crumb of comfort to you. The picture of Scarlett is beautiful.

From one mum to another, I hold you in my thoughts. x

Taken a while to reply, sorry...

Libra - thank you, I agree with you, I feel alone in this though and still wonder if it's me being unreasonable here? The way I've been, basically just ignored by them, has been difficult to deal with. I can't get my head around it. Thank you for the offer, truely.

franken - doesn't sound creepy, it's comforting :) you haven't been upsetting at all.

Jacksmama - Maybe one day they'll realise, what they've done and how much additional pain they've caused both of us, it really wasn't necessary and is still ongoing. I just can't cope with that on top of this, I can't.

Chipping - I'm trying, I find it really hard to just let go and stop though. :(

MyLittleOwls - they do, it's definitely bitter sweet to know she was perfect and it was the cord alone that did it :(

Still feeling up and down, yesterday was a good day and I'm trying to pick myself up a bit today. I know things would be far easier if only mil and bil would be "normal" instead I'm worrying about why she isn't responding to me or even ackknowledging me...makes it worse thinking that she thinks she's right, so angry at times. I feel like I can't do right for doing wrong :(

De-lurking from following this thread to finally add my heartfelt condolences. I felt like an awkward voyeur reading, & of course so terribly so sad. Also deep respect for you to post in such detail as it does give those of us fortunate to not have undergone this ourselves some insight into the experience so that we have more chance of being more understanding to anyone we might encounter in "real life" going through it.

I do hope writing it down has been of benefit to you in this journey, even if it is hard to see whether it has been. There is no doubt you have been very strong & very self-resourceful. I can't help feeling angry at the universe on your behalf for it being so unfair.

What a precious photograph that is of Scarlett - such a cute little nose! Keep on keeping strong. Take care.

Cheese - please don't apologise, we are here to support you, not be another chore/obligation - come and chat when you want to, stay away when you want to - just do what you want to x

I honestly do not know what else to say to you to relieve you from this guilt. Trust me, I'll call a spade a spade and even after what you have been through I would tell you if you were being unreasonable, because the truth is what people need to hear. However, you aren't. You lost your daughter - that is the only important thing here, some mis-read slight on FB should be the least of anyones problem. You have apologised (unnecessarily) you have sent texts, emails ... they are being unbelievably selfish, ignorant and downright nasty.

You would be fully justified in never having anything to do with them again.

I wish you could stop blaming yourself for their atrocious behaviour :(

xxx

Hi cheese.
Glad to hear you are having some good days.
I bet you are feeling angry towards your mil (I'm angry on your behalf). It's unbelievable that she is treating you like this, to not respond to your messages is so rude of her. It's obvious to everyone reading this that she is in the wrong here, you have done nothing wrong.
Take care xx

elvisgirl - posting so much of the detail has helped to be truthful, I think it's been beneficial to me but I also hope it might be to anyone else going through similar events. I tend to go over and over things in my head so much that it kind of makes it easier to deal with. She is beautiful, saw her Daddy in her a lot.

Chipping - Definitely not a chore, I can't thank people enough for being here for me to talk to and support me; I wouldn't be in the happier place I am now if it weren't for all the fantastic support from you all and I'll always be grateful for that. I feel happier more often now but find I feel a little guilty about feeling happy, as if I shouldn't be feeling it.

Biscuits - I switch from feeling angry to pity as I know it must be hard for her too and in fact, found out recently that she had a stillborn son at about 5-6 months before dh was born so this must bring up feelings about that too. I just don't have the energy to argue and fight with people, I just want things to be "normal" and for us to all get along; I hope she sees that soon.

Good day today although we all seem to be ill! Had poor dd up the walk in drs today as she was in so much pain from her ear, turns out she has an ear infection. The nurse saw her at the gps yesterday too and didn't give her anything so the poor thing has been suffering unnecessarily. She's had painkillers at least though and is now taking her anti-biotics so that is good. Ds2 is also ill with a chest infection and is on his 2nd course of anti-bs as as the first didn't clear it and dh also has an ear infection! Ds1 seems to be coming down with something too and I have a cold, touch wood won't get worse! House of lurgy at the moment!

c&g glad to hear that your feeling a bit happier. it must be hard and the guilt is inevitable i suppose. you know that you shouldn't feel guilty though don't you?

dh's family have behaved appalingly, i hope it gets resolved soon.