37 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday that our baby has died

[CheeseandGherkins]

I'm still totally in shock, as is DH, our little girl has died. I hadn't felt movements since late on Wednesday and when I went in on Thursday they couldn't find a heartbeat with doppler. Sent straight for a scan and there was no heartbeat.

I already have 3 dcs who are so upset but it was DH's first baby.

I have to go in today, in a few hours, for a tablet to start things off but I can come home after an hour apparently and then go back 24 hours or so later (if nothing happens) to start inducement properly.

Does anyone have any experience of this? I'm scared of being induced, which sounds stupid under the circumstances but there it is. How long will it take? First 3 labours were fast, 3 and a half, 3 hours and just over an hour.

I still keep expecting to feel her move but of course she won't. Feels so surreal and that it can't be happening but it is. I was due on Dec 23rd.

I don't know what to do.

I am so so so sorry, I could not read this and not post

sorry about the family shit too

she and you and your DH are in my prayers

mumatron - hope you're well and little one too :) I know I shouldn't, but I do, I feel a lot of things and I do a lot of things now that I shouldn't.

porcamiseria - thank you

Tbh I feel like i've fucking sold out, all this shit with dh's family and I feel I've had to bow and scrape and it's still not enough. I do it for him, he needs support and he's just not getting it from most of his family which just astonishes me but there you go.

If I was you id tell them all to get fucked tbh. But like you said, you're doing it for dh. How is he doing? And your dc?

Lo is doing well, thank you for asking.

If it weren't for dh then I would have before now. He's so so I think, he doesn't want to upset me still but things clearly affect him. Dc's are good, they talk about things now and again but seem ok. Glad to hear :)

It's so hard to re read my first post and the following ones, I have such vivid memories of the hospital that day I was induced and of the days preceding. It's strange. I'm honestly so, so glad that people were here thinking about us and talking to me at that time in hospital especially. I was terrified, scared and felt like my whole world was crashing down around me; and it pretty much did. The support from here was something else and I hope you all know how grateful I am for that and how you made things easier for me to cope with.

Shit, feel awful now, things change so quickly. Crying and trying not to just scream, why why why, just why

I think you should scream & shout. The crap thing is there are no answers and it won't change anything. But somehow you will go on, you have gone this far & it has been amazing how you have journalled it here. Wherever Scarlet is she will be proud of her mum keeping on going, so keep on doing it for yourself and for her and those you have around you that do love you.

i agree with elvis. scream and shout if you need to. even if it's into a pillow. dont keep it all in.

keep posting here too.

Hi C&G, sorry you're having a difficult day today. I'm glad that you have had some better days recently and hopefully they will continue.

Definitely scream and shout when you need to, what happened isn't fair and there is no rhyme and reason to it. I'm glad that the information from the consultant helped put your mind at rest about a few things.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm still thinking of you and your family. Much love, Max.

Cheese - I hope you are having an OK day today. I think this 'stage' is very very difficult. You start to think you are dealing with it - that you have a handle on the grief - you start to have some OK days, smile a bit, have small spaces of time where you feel almost 'normal' - then out of the blue it hits you like a ton of bricks and you are right back 'there' again - as low as it gets :( I guess all I can say is that those times get fewer & fewer and the OK times gets more frequent. Which, of course, then brings guilt - you wonder how you can feel OK when they are still gone?? I think all you can do is accept that being sad all the time wont bring her back and if you can't bring her back, what is the best thing you can do? Live your life well and give your DH & your other kids the best life they can have? & for me, although I'm not religious I do believe we meet up again in the next life, look forward to seeing them again then... it keeps me together when it's unbearably hard. xxx

I'm sorry about your baby. It's an awful thing to happen.
I too lost a baby at 37 weeks in late November.
I cried reading your first message as I could have written the same thing.
It's the most awful thing that's ever happened to me.

I keep going over it again and again why,how, what could have I done to change this.

CheeseandGherkins, sweetlucy, I don't know what to say except I'm so, so sorry. Maybe this thread will help as you will find others who can help you here.

So odd how I can feel fine for a while and then just suddenly switch, like a light. I feel ok now, have a candle lit next to me, I still like to do that for Scarlett. I had a good weekend, great night out on sat with some friends, had a very good time (just what we both needed). Had my first period since the birth start on sunday which made me sad and I still am a little now but I knew it was coming, I'd hoped I'd just get pregnant straightaway though...wishful thinking

I don't feel too upset right now but a little, and I'd forgotten what it feels like, hot water bottle helps.

elvis - I rememeber my first miscarriage, sitting in the bath and bleeding thinking to myself this would never happen to me, and crying, if only I knew then what would happen now...makes things seem so different. I struggled coming to terms with that happening to me at the time but (and sounds bad) I coped better with the other 5 I had. I know I have to go on and that nothing will change things, I just go from dwelling on things to trying to be positive. Mood changes so quickly.

mumatron - thanks, I'll try that, I think a lot of people assume I'll be ok by now and moving on etc, and while I am as much as I can it doesn't mean I feel ok inside, if you see what I mean. I can be happy etc on the outside to people but inside it still hurts so much. I don't feel comfortable going round crying or being sad, so I keep things to myeslf.

Max - thank you :) trying, every day :

Chipping - sounds so like me right now, sometimes I think oh shit did that happen? Or, what now, but it still scares me. To be truthful I do think about what happened a lot, I relive the birth, finding out, what happened before and what I could have done differently etc but even though I wish I'd held her; I think that would have killed me mentally. That sounds so selfish and awful but I need to say that. My midwife was lovely, she brought Scarlett in while we had her blessed and held her (dh held her before ) but before that when Scarlett was with us I went to touch her little hand but I couldn't. I thought it would be cold and that that would just send me over the edge basically, that's exactly what I thought. I so nearly did. I was brought up catholic so I still have those thoughts in my head but I do believe in something, I do. xxx

sweetlucy - I'm so sorry for your loss too, how are you feeling?

longtime - I will join that thread when I can, I still feel raw but I know the people there will be able to help too, thank you

cheese - I have not been around for a while and have just caught up. You and your family are so often in my thoughts and prayers and I felt quite emotional when I read that you had been reading the thread while in hospital. Your strength is an inspiration and I often think of you when people start moaning about trivial things.
Take care.

Thanks Gail, in the hospital I remember it all so vividly, MN (this thread) helped me so much at that time, I needed others to speak with and to help me deal with it and tbh it hadn't even sank in at that point. I'm trying to stay strong, I think I'm doing ok, yes it's hard; bloody hard but I can't let this get on top of me.

Cheese, I've just sat and read yout thread with tears pouring down my face. You are an amazingly strong woman and my heart goes out to you and your family. Your daughter Scarlett was beautiful and I'm so sorry it had to end this way.

I think you are doing brilliantly even if you don't think you are, and you are coping immensely with how the inlaws have treated you

I don't think I'll ever forget you, or your daughter

Cheese - sorry I haven't posted all week, I have been thinking about you though x

I can be happy etc on the outside to people but inside it still hurts so much. I don't feel comfortable going round crying or being sad, so I keep things to myself

Grief is really, really hard - you do feel a lot of pressure to feel (or at the very least act) like you are OK, very soon afterwards, you feel like you have worn out the 'grief card' :( I don't know if people actually do feel like you should be 'over it' or if they just hope that by acting 'normal' it will help you through it? I know I would want my friends to still be able to cry and be upset around me if they felt that way and not pretend to be OK - but I can't answer for anyone else and I certainly feel like people think it's time to 'be over that' by now. It's hard.

We all cope in different ways. I have become a 'blocker', I do anything I can not to think about the 'event' itself (just for anyone new to the thread I haven't lost a baby, but have had other losses), I have to have a lot of distractions, I can't stand being alone in the quiet - I can't bear to think about it. I now can't go to sleep without the TV on and until I am absolutely falling asleep on my feet. I just can't bear being alone with my thoughts. I couldn't do what you are doing and go through the actual events in my head - I would lose it completely :(

It doesn't sound awful to say that holding Scarlett would have done you in mentally at all... of course it's not. You did what you needed to do to get through it, you carried her & delivered her and her Daddy held her.

How is DH holding up?

Imnotaslimjim - thank you. I'm trying to stay strong, but it's so bloody hard. Means a lot to me what you've said.

Chipping - How are you doing? Sounds really tough for you :( I also try and distract myself but I know if I block things they catch up with me later, I did that when I had miscarriages in the past and it got worse around a year later so I'm trying to just work through it now.

I know what I did at the time was right, I couldn't have done anymore, I still regret it now but I don't blame myself as I know I couldn't do it then.

Dh is OK, trying to be strong for me but he doesn't talk about things so much, I think he's similar to you; staying busy to block things. I've sorted things out with in laws (more or less) but bil is still being a bit difficult to arrange anything with. I'm doing it for DH as they're his family and I don't want him to worry about anything but I also don't want the stress of it all either. Easier to just get along, for the sake of the future too. We'll see what happens. After I spoke to mil she sent DH a message apparently, saying she feels awful for treating us the way she has so, I guess that was all it took and that she did know really.

Feeling quite shitty today, with having my period, I thought I'd feel down when it happened but at least now we can start trying again and watching my cycle etc. Trying to put a good spin on it!

Going to Scarlett's grave this week to put the things we bought there, candles, wind chimes, some artificial flowers so they won't die but we'll take fresh ones too. Should be nice.

Hi Cheese - I have just read your thread and looked at your photo of your darling DD - I am crying. I have no reason to be on the bereavement boards - I'm not sure how I ended up here, but I thought about you a lot yesterday after I had read the whole thread and couldn't just lurk and not post. You have been so incredibly strong - I have no idea how anyone copes with the loss of a baby but you have been so amazing.

I hope that you feel a bit better today, and the next day, until the memories are not so painful, but I can't imagine when that time will come.

Thank you Boobz, means a lot. I feel OK at the moment, up and down a lot but to be expected. Life's bloody hard but I'm not going to give up, not ever.

Hi Cheese - still thinking of you. How was going to the grave, or have you not been yet?

Hi Boobz, not been able to get there yet due to ill dcs and dh and I have been/are still ill also. We'll have to go next week now though as ds2 is ill and will be off pre-school tomorrow and I have to get some things for dd's party tomorrow which is on Sat. I'm looking forward to going though and making things look special for her.

cheese how did dd's party go?

Hi mumatron, her party went really well, we had 11 8/9 year olds at a spy missions party thing that is nearby, they loved it! But excitement levels were high and they were the loudest ones there, had to keep shushing them while we were waiting hehe. Was really good though. How are you and your lo getting on? Hope all is well :)

For anyone that's interested here's a link to photos of Scarlett, just scanned in tonight

More of Scarlett

Cheese - have name changed but just wanted to say I'm still thinking of you xxx

Scarlett was beautiful.

Well done on the party - you're braver than me lol

Cheese, I still think of you often a well. Sorry to hear more about your inlaws. You have done an incredible job, and I don't think anyone would expect you to be "over it", all that can happen is that the grief becomes easier to deal with.
Scarlett's photo' are just beautiful, you are an incredible mother, all of your children must be so proud of you