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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Wife is terminally ill with a few weeks left

271 replies

TheConstantGardener · 27/09/2010 11:33

Hi all, first post here so please be kind! :)

To cut a long and hard story short, after 3 years battling with breast cancer my wife has stopped treatment and has been told she has 'a few weeks left'. I am 36 and she is 40 and our 2 sons are aged 3 and 5. We're using the remaining time to sort out practicalities (hard work) and spend some quality time as a family and have a few days out. I have been given time away from work for the time being.

My reason for posting is to get any advice/support from anyone who has been through something similar. We have a good family/friend support network with access to counseling, which has helped somewhat. However, I'd still like any advice on support for my sons - have checked out 'Winston's wish' which only works with kids 6+ and have been advised the 'Child bereavement trust' is not brilliant - so if anyone has any other tips I'd appreciate them. Obviously helping the boys with this is a source of huge anxiety for us.

Also, anyone with knowledge of possible widower benefits would also be useful, unfortunately these practicalities need to be discussed, however hard it is.

Thanks all and please message if you get a moment.

x

OP posts:
Original poster
TheConstantGardener · 18/11/2010 01:02

All

Feeling overwhelmed with organising, admin etc. So so want to revisit all the great advice but hard to foucs this week. Funeral is Tues 23rd so will check in after then x

Lots of love x

OP posts:
bumblingbovine · 18/11/2010 01:31

I am sorry this is happening to you. My sister died when she was 32 yrs old (12 years ago now) and left my BIL looking after a 6 year old and a 4 year old.

My niece and nephew coped amazingly well. I second those posters who say that maintaining a good relationship with your wife's family if at all possible would be really helpful. Even now I tslk sbout how my sister was sometimes and my niece and nephew always love to hear about her. It means they know they are still connected to her and that they can know what she was like as a child.

We have always openly talked about her over the years and passed on some of her posessions from when she was a child. Unfortunately my sister died duddenly so a memory boxs or a note even weren't possible, if they have something like that your children will cherish it all their lives.

ilovesprouts · 18/11/2010 03:23

just seen this thread im so sorry for the loss of your wife x

Original poster
TheConstantGardener · 18/11/2010 16:20

All,

Sorry for the short message. I need to select a few hymms for the funeral and am short of ideas (i.e. dont have a clue). I am not religious but the minister has a link to the family, knew my wife and I think giving people the option to sing is a good one. I hate dirge-y hymms so if anyone knows some that are more joyous let me know.

x

OP posts:
KnittingisbetterthanTherapy · 18/11/2010 17:19

Hello TCG, I'm not surprised you are feeling overwhelmed.

My friend was also not religious but we had "All things bright and beautiful" sung at a short service in the children's school's church.

sailorsgal · 18/11/2010 17:22

I was going to say "all things bright and beautiful aswell".

At a friends funeral recently they played a couple of his favourite tracks for reflection.

Thinking of you at this very sad time.

ilovesprouts · 18/11/2010 17:27

how about a fav song you both like x

nameymcnamechange · 18/11/2010 17:32

Its not a hymn, but most people know Morning Is Broken, and it is a very poignant song for a funeral. But definitely not dirge-like.

tegan · 18/11/2010 18:44

theconstantgardner you are a wonderful man.

i am so sorry you are going through this at such a young age and that your boys are so young that their memories will be short but i know you and your family will help your dear wife to live on.

I have never had to organise a funeral but when my dad had cance he made arrangements and part of those were hymns. He chose The old rugged cross and since then it is a song i have listened to regularly. Thankfully my dad pulled through but this song now has meaning for us all.

please continue to be brave and strong for your boys and i know they will do the same for you even at their young age. much love

BCBG · 18/11/2010 19:02

ConstantGardener = how about "The Lord Of The Dance" - a Shaker hymn, very simple, very uplifting at a time of great sorrow and one that everyone will be able to sing. x

Greenwing · 18/11/2010 21:23

Music is a wonderful part of a funeral. I hope I can be of some help. Here are some suggestions of hymns which many people would know with appropriate lyrics and lovely tunes.

You could listen to them on You Tube to see if you know and/or like them.
Lyrics are also easy to find online if you just google the first line, so you can see if you like the words.

  • Lord of all Hopefulness - joyful with ideal words (I am biased as we sang it at both my mother's and my father's funerals).
  • The King of Love my Shepherd is
  • The Lord's my Shepherd (two different songs from the same Psalm).
  • Dear Lord and Father of Mankind
  • Make me a Channel of your Peace
  • Amazing Grace
  • Morning is broken

I hope you have an opportunity to speak with the minister and that it may be of some comfort to you.

Rowgtfc72 · 19/11/2010 19:14

So sorry for your loss x We had Lord of the Dance at my mums funeral.Last verse says I am the life that will never never die .....I am the dance and I still go on. x

trulymadlydeeply · 22/11/2010 17:09

Will be thinking of you tomorrow,TCG.

Hope it is a true celebration of your wife's life and loveliness.

With love,

xx

inthesticks · 22/11/2010 18:34

I'm very sorry for your loss.
Tomorrow will be an ordeal; I will think of you and your boys. x

mumonthenet · 23/11/2010 08:47

Thinking of you and your boys today tcg.

xx

ggglimpopo · 23/11/2010 09:11

Thinking of you CG. I am so very sorry to hear of your loss.

My children lost their two year old sister, three years ago.

If I can be of any help or if you just want to offload, please feel free to message me.

Take care of yourself.

Original poster
TheConstantGardener · 24/11/2010 11:48

All

Feeling pretty poo today following the funeral. Intend to drop a message soon and start investigation WAY etc, also need to go back through all your responses and make some notes on tips.

I've also posted on the nannies, child minders, au pair for tips/advice on au pairs, so if anyone has anything to add on there or here please do.

TCG x

OP posts:
Original poster
TheConstantGardener · 24/11/2010 11:51

PS I had 'Morning has broken' and 'Lord and Father of Mankind'. The former beautiful and the latter rousing!

OP posts:
mumonthenet · 24/11/2010 17:18

TCG, tis so thoughtful of you to keep us up to date in the midst of your sadness.

Those songs/hymns are both very beautiful. I hope that the service went ok and that your little ones are surrounded by love - and you too of course.

xxx

DadInsteadofMum · 25/11/2010 10:27

The days after the funeral are very crap. Everybody is there for the day, saying lovely things. Then they go home and get on with their lives and you are left.

Take it an hour at a time. Just concentrate on the basics, for you and the kids. THat is eating, drinking and sleeping. You want to go back to bed in the middle of the day, you are allowed. You can worry about the complicated stuff later, for now it about getting through each hour.

Original poster
TheConstantGardener · 25/11/2010 11:20

thanks. Yes, feeling dreadfully crap. Lots of stuff to sort but dont feel able to do it today, think I have run out of steam and just have this dreadful need for a cuddle from my wife. Thats all I want. Don't even want to move forward today, don't want to be anywhere and nothing is of comfort. I know it wont always be like this but even that is of little comfort.

OP posts:
everlong · 25/11/2010 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trulymadlydeeply · 25/11/2010 16:54

So very sorry to read your post, TCG. It isn't surprising, though - you must be feeling shattered and battered after the last few days. There is a big hole in your world and it will take a long time before the rawness begins to blur.

Just keep putting one foot in front of another and don't expect too much from yourself.

We are all willing you on, and sending you and your boys lots of love,

XXX

strandedatseasonsgreetings · 25/11/2010 17:04

TCG - I'm so sorry for what you have been through and continue to go through. I have not been able to read all of this thread, I just can't bear to think what it must be like for you. My dd's are the same age as yours and I can't imagine how it must be to tell them their mum has gone. I can't offer any advice (unless you need any childcare advice in which case please ask away as I know what they are like at this age) but thinking of you.
x

AlphaSchmalpha · 26/11/2010 20:44

TCG - so sorry to read your update. All that you are feeling is to be expected. There is so much activity before the funeral and then a great big void to face. and the desire for there to just be nothing ever again when in fact life keeps on at you is hard to deal with.

how are your boys doing? Do you have enough help with them - both for them and also to give yourself space from time to time - sometimes you just need hours to sit and focus on all that stuff going on in your head, and of course that's quite hard to do with small dcs.

thinking of you all.
x