Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Wife is terminally ill with a few weeks left

271 replies

TheConstantGardener · 27/09/2010 11:33

Hi all, first post here so please be kind! :)

To cut a long and hard story short, after 3 years battling with breast cancer my wife has stopped treatment and has been told she has 'a few weeks left'. I am 36 and she is 40 and our 2 sons are aged 3 and 5. We're using the remaining time to sort out practicalities (hard work) and spend some quality time as a family and have a few days out. I have been given time away from work for the time being.

My reason for posting is to get any advice/support from anyone who has been through something similar. We have a good family/friend support network with access to counseling, which has helped somewhat. However, I'd still like any advice on support for my sons - have checked out 'Winston's wish' which only works with kids 6+ and have been advised the 'Child bereavement trust' is not brilliant - so if anyone has any other tips I'd appreciate them. Obviously helping the boys with this is a source of huge anxiety for us.

Also, anyone with knowledge of possible widower benefits would also be useful, unfortunately these practicalities need to be discussed, however hard it is.

Thanks all and please message if you get a moment.

x

OP posts:
Jux · 12/11/2010 10:41

I am so sorry for your loss. Your wife sounds amazing.

As a family, we have suffered the deaths of 7 family members over a period of 3 years. The last one was a year ago. We are managing and things get easier with time.

We were helped tremendously by a local charity, which provided free counselling for dd (then 10yo). I shied away from it; I am now ready for it.

Don't push yourself too much or you will collapse when you least expect or want to.
Be satisfied with 'good enough'.
Don't do things just because other people think you should.
Don't make any major decisions for at least a year, possibly two. If you can get counselling, get it - as much as you can.

I am thinking of you. You will be OK, one day you will be fine.

Fiddledee · 12/11/2010 10:46

I lost my mother to cancer when I was 10 and 30 years later I am still devastated by it. Please get them counselling over the next few years, I found during my teenage years it was awful not having a mother. I would have loved a letter to open on my 21st/40th birthdays and maybe when I had my own children. Video would have been amazing.

I would have loved to have had a memory box and just something special - item of clothing that would remind me of her.

I would have loved her to be at home even if with carers and staff and medication so I could have seen her whenever I want.

I was sent to school soon after and that was a mistake for me I needed time to myself.

KTDace · 12/11/2010 10:47

So sorry for your loss x

snowmama · 12/11/2010 10:48

I can't really add much, but just wanted to say how sorry I am, and to say - let your sons talk openly with you DW, and to you over the next few weeks/months. It help them alot in the future if everything is open and they are able to share what they are feeling.

I am sure you are doing this anyway, but let your sons help your DW make the memory boxes and choose items to go in it. Letters for key life moments (18th, 21sts, wedding day etc) is also a beautiful idea.

I will remember you and your family in my prayers.

Canella · 12/11/2010 10:58

so so sorry for the loss of your wife.

one of my closest friends died 2 years ago leaving behind a dh and her 2 dc who were also 3 and 5 at the time.

her dh has just made it such a normal thing to talk about their mum (as much as it breaks his heart at times) and to remember her in everything they do. He says that obviously there will be sad, sad times where they want their mum but that they are balanced by the good times they have remembering her.

I lost my mum when i was only 9 and still have hidden grief about it because she was never talked about and I spent years wondering if she had just disappeared and would come back some day.

so as hard as it is at the moment, please talk lots to your dc about your wife - she sounds like she was a wonderful woman!

pigsinmud · 12/11/2010 10:59

TCG - so sorry xx

Lotster · 12/11/2010 11:02

TheConstantGardener - so sorry for the loss of your wonderful wife, and for your sons' loss of their mummy. Thoughts are with you.

Readings have brought me comfort in the past, I read this at a friend's funeral and her children took comfort in it.

Gone From My Site

xx

Lotster · 12/11/2010 11:03

SOrry that should say "sight"

snowmama · 12/11/2010 11:04

Oh god, I misread the thread, I am so sorry for your loss.

Hullygully · 12/11/2010 11:07

Sorry here, too, only just seen the thread.

Tikkabillajive · 12/11/2010 11:09

TheConstantGardener I read your thread late last night and you and your family have been in my thoughts ever since. I hope you have managed to get a bit of sleep and that you are eating and looking after yourself.

I feel so inadequate in that I have nothing I can say that could practically help, but I hope that the knowledge that there are so many mumsnetters who are thinking of you all and wishing you strength brings some sort of comfort.

Your wife sounds like she was a really amazing woman and you sound like an absolutely wonderful father. I am sure you will do her proud in raising your two boys.

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 12/11/2010 11:11

I am so sorry. From everything you've said about her your wife sounds like a truly remarkable woman.

Nefret · 12/11/2010 11:14

I have just read your thread and although i can't add any more to what has been said I just want to send you and your sons some loving thoughts.

thisisyesterday · 12/11/2010 11:17

I am so sorry for your loss TCG. am sat here with tears streaming down my face after reading this.
I really wish you and your boys all the strength and love you need to get through this time.

grumpykat25 · 12/11/2010 11:27

TCG, so sorry for your loss. We are thinking of you and your boys and sending you love and strength. x

Umnitsa · 12/11/2010 11:46

I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you and your boys strength, love and peace.

weblette · 12/11/2010 11:50

TCG wishing you and your precious boys peace and strength in the difficult days ahead.

chimchar · 12/11/2010 11:53

i am so very sorry to read about your wife...she sounds like a really amazing lady...

thinking of you and your children.

do keep posting for support...mumsnet is a safe place for you to come and vent. x

mumonthenet · 12/11/2010 11:53

Tcg, just seen this and want to say how sorry I am for your terrible loss.

You are in my thoughts.

ArsMamatoria · 12/11/2010 12:11

TheConstantGardener, I am so sorry.

My experience was different from yours in that my OH died very unexpectedly, but however much you know it's going to happen, the gulf between someone being there then not being there is just too unimaginably vast to express.

The first days are strange and terrible, swinging from feeling disconcertingly calm to feeling completely consumed by pain - as you say, often within the space of half an hour. My heart goes out to you. I found that doing admin (and there is a lot of it) until I was so tired I could barely crawl into bed, helped in the initial stages.

It will never be ok, but it will become easier than it is now. For me it sometimes feels as if I am learning not to put weight on a limb that is no longer there.

You mention that you worry about long evenings. About 7 months on, I took up the guitar and started painting a bit. Not that I'm particularly any good, but there is something very theraputic about giving all your concentration to something (especially something creative). It is a relief to notice that you have spent a couple of hours not churning things around in your head.

The Child Bereavement Trust is apparently very good. It's near High Wycombe, so may not be do-able for you, but as others have mentioned, there are a few other organisations. A friend of mine has taken her eldest two to the CBT (age 3 and 6), and I am about to take my elder daughter (now age 3 and a half, was 2 yrs 3 months when it happened).

Your wife sounds amazing. You sound amazing. The WAY symbol is a swan, because they look serene floating along on the water, but under the surface they are paddling away for all they're worth. Keep paddling.

frazzledazzle · 12/11/2010 12:19

I'm sorry for your loss.Love to you and your boys x

AngryPixie · 12/11/2010 12:22

I'm so glad that you've found this place, in the months and years to come when the down times happen we'll still be here to listen. We'll never be surprised that you're not 'over it'. You're in a safe place.

Wishing you all the love & strength you'll need. x

RiverOfSleep · 12/11/2010 12:23

I am so sorry for your loss.

treedelivery · 12/11/2010 12:23

TheConstantGardener - Have lurked and often wondered how you all were, and now I have checked in and seen the hard news.

I'm so so sorry for you and your boys, they are so so lucky to have you. I hope you have someone to turn to too, and mn is really wonderful if you need it.

Had to concede a small smile [through tears] at the idea of a huge internet shop arriving even after her death. I don't want to be misunderstood, I know it is utterly painful, but hopefully you know why it gave me a small small smile.

All best wishes for strength and energy to help you on your journey.

flossie64 · 12/11/2010 12:28

So sorry for your loss. May your dear wife's star shine brightly in the sky over you . TC x