Wife is terminally ill with a few weeks left

[TheConstantGardener]

Hi all, first post here so please be kind! :)

To cut a long and hard story short, after 3 years battling with breast cancer my wife has stopped treatment and has been told she has 'a few weeks left'. I am 36 and she is 40 and our 2 sons are aged 3 and 5. We're using the remaining time to sort out practicalities (hard work) and spend some quality time as a family and have a few days out. I have been given time away from work for the time being.

My reason for posting is to get any advice/support from anyone who has been through something similar. We have a good family/friend support network with access to counseling, which has helped somewhat. However, I'd still like any advice on support for my sons - have checked out 'Winston's wish' which only works with kids 6+ and have been advised the 'Child bereavement trust' is not brilliant - so if anyone has any other tips I'd appreciate them. Obviously helping the boys with this is a source of huge anxiety for us.

Also, anyone with knowledge of possible widower benefits would also be useful, unfortunately these practicalities need to be discussed, however hard it is.

Thanks all and please message if you get a moment.

x

Hi TCG,
The admin on top of Christmas ('nuff said about Christmas) must be incredibly draining. It sounds like you are running yourself ragged tbh. I know this is a very obvious question, but are you managing to sort things out in rough order of prioity? And shelving things that don't need to be done right now? I found that I had this urge to do everything asap (needed to feel in control I suppose), but once I'd made a list of urgent, not-so-urgent and put-on-back-burner, the admin side of things didn't seem quite so overwhelming.

Can you enlist some friends to post any recorded deliveries, make copies of things, help you fill out any forms etc? Even just having someone there to write a list of tasks as you think of them can ease things a bit.

Very good that you have decided to take some time for yourself to swim, have a pint. It's important to keep your health on an even keel. Are you managing to eat? Sleep?

I think you're doing the right thing by not 'parking' the emotions. Those awful can't-believe-this-is-happening-can-hardly-catch-my-breath moments - I found that if I was able to let myself go totally, the sheer physical shock of those great bursts of emotion would come with a period of calm afterward.

My OH's brother, SIL and I also booked ourselves a couple of painting lessons about a month afterwards. I found it theraputic - the total concentration on something else was the only time I wasn't churning everything over in my mind. I have taken up the classical guitar, which has the same effect. Not sure if this is your thing, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

You sound like you are doing a marvellous job with your boys. If there's one thing that really comes across in this whole thread, it is how tenderly you think of them and how concerned you are about them.

I have just ordered some books about helping young children work through grief to do with DD1 (3 and a half). One is published by Winston's Wish - I think it's called 'Sunshine and Puddles' or something like that. I'll let you know how we get on with it.

Hope your stomach is feeling a bit better today and that tonight you can get some rest.

Thinking of you.

Dear Constant Gardener

I have been following your thread since your first post and wanted you to know that I am thinking of you still. I wish that I could do something practical to help but hope that it will be reassuring for you to know that I am still thinking of you (and I am sure many others too) and will continue to do so in the difficult days ahead.
Love and best wishes to you and your boys.

Thanks Ars, good advice, I am considering an art class myself, so it seems to make sense, just to do something totally new.

General update is I feel less 'immersed' than I did last week, which I dont know if its a good thing or not. I bit the bullet and really ploughed on with the paperwork and think I have at least set in motion all the more immediate things and 'big' things like finances etc.

On the flip side my dialogue with my employer seems to have reached an end in some ways as they are opting not to support me financially and have reverted my salary to SSP. The MD's behaviour throughout has been a little unsavoury, so here we are, a week off xmas and having lost my wife 5 weeks ago I am left with £79/week to support myself and the boys. Obviously, it is disappointing but I guess I now know where I stand and I have some time to grieve and work out how to return to work and on what basis.

I am now setting to understanding what support is available to me for the family both financially and practical. I have been busy getting child support moved to my name and have contacted HMRC RE tax credits etc. I am not sure what else other than bereaved parent allowance I am entitled to. The bigger picture will then be to assess on what terms I can eventually work as I am very keen to 'be here' for the boys rather than be away all day. I am thinking perhaps in some part time capacity, whether it is 3/4 or 2/3 time perhaps. I just dont know right now (but try explaining that to my employer!)

The boys seem generally ok - they have their moments and are obviously clinging close to me, but otherwise they are doing ok, thankfully. It's a long haul I think.

Ok, over and out, think that is the basics for now! All advice welcome RE support for the boys and I.

x

Hi I haven't posted on here for a while so firstly I want to say how sorry I am to hear about your wife and that I am thinking of you and the boys.

My dh died in March and those first few months are relentless with paperwork etc. I think I was still on auto pilot then.

I can't believe your employers have been so insensitive, now is not the time to plunge you into further turmoil, if they really wanted to they could carry on paying you.

Re benefits - I work part time, after dh died I dropped my hours from 26 to 16 a week as I have 3 children and it was not mangeable for them or my sanity. So I get my salary, widowed parents allowance, child benefit, child tax credits and working tax credits.

The irony is that the widowed parents allowance is taken into account as income for your tax credits! However people who receive maintenance payments from former partners it doesn't get taken into account but that's another story!

My only advice would be to take one day at a time and do whatever you feel is right on each day, it does vary greatly on what you can cope with.

You sound very strong and I am positive that will be helping your boys.

If you think of anything else ask away, not sure how much use I will be but I will try.

Thinking of you

Thanks Pinot, sorry to hear about your wife also, its not a great deal of fun is it?

Yes, the paperwork doesn't help and its a real learning curve in many instances.

Work have behaved appallingly to be honest to the extent they were calling 3 days after the funeral and when I finally picked a call up (a week after) I was asked if I could write reports. Totally without respect. My thinking atm is I cant possibly work f/t as its unfair on me and the boys, I want to be here for them. Is the 16 hrs a threshold for working tax credit then? I dont understand it yet. I am thinking reduced hours and using my entitlement to 13 weeks unpaid up until my youngest 5th birthday so I can have the summer hols next summer. Beyond that I dont have a clue. It does feel like I'm being financially penalised for losing my wife at times, which I dont need on top of all the other things.

I am not strong, just trying to keep some semblance of forward momentum I think, as the days I lose that I am just rubbish!

Pinot, did you join WAY?

TCG, it was my husband that died.

Can't believe that they were calling 3 days after the funeral I would class that as harrassment! Is it a big company?? I would take it further but then in a state of grief its not easy to do! Although I did take my anger out on useless insensitive telephone companies!

Yes 16 hrs is the minimum for WTC, there is an online calculator that will give you a rough idea of what you can expect. I think you are wise to try and get beyond the summer hols otherwise its finding childcare, that is my biggest problem.

Yes I often feel I am being penalised for my husband dying, I was a named driver on his car insurance when I called to tell them and put it just in my name they wanted to charge me a much bigger annual premium!

You are stronger than you think, just getting through each day and each bit of paperwork is a milestone.

I have not joined WAY, still thinking about it!

Hi TCG,

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and hope that the festive season isn't too grim for you. I hope your boys manage to smile and enjoy themselves at times, too, even though it will make your heart break.

Can't believe the insensitivity of your employer - it just takes the biscuit to treat someone like that when they're in such emotional turmoil and distress. Stay strong: he will receive his just desserts.

Look after yourself, and have the happiest Christmas you can.

Take care.

Your work seems much worse than most. I know three widowers with children and they were not treated like that although all had full time working wives and a nanny already there I think or older teenage children so childcare wasn't such an issue.

If you need practical adviec on childcare and work I am sure people here can help as the widowers I know who work full time and indeed (single mother solely supporting 5 children working full time) probably have quite a lot of experience of the practicalities of organising full time childcare on your own but at the moment you need to rest, think, recover. It's the grief not the hassle of finding nannies, live in au pairs or whatever solution will work that matters.

Hey TCG,

The machines [eg. the beauracracies - whether governmental or unelightened corporates] have little or no sensitivities.

I found them really upsetting and draining to deal with at first. Then I began to work out that if I got my emotional support from the people that matter, I could deal on a more detached level with the unfeeling, emotionless idiots who work the beaureacratic merry-go-round. Somehow, I don't know how, but it worked in that their negativity lost it's draining effect and I was more able to make 'business-type' decisions quickly that supported my child and me.

I suppose I learned to 'compartmentalise' by thinking "you arses can't be allowed to have any effect on the way I feel - so we're strictly business." And then, when in touch with my friends and support network I was more able to absorb the emotional [and spiritual if you're that way inclined] vitality that the contact with them offered. This contact gave fuel to gradually steamroller through the idiocies of the machinery of day-to-day living. The mundanity I dealt with in a matter-of-fact way as quickly as possible and was able to continue nourishing my daughter and me.

Just keep those plonkers in their rightful place, well away from your feelings.

Your employers have shown their pathetic hand and will reap their rewards accordingly.

I would suggest your most important task at the moment is to keep going on feeling as good as you can after you've processed each grief period [currently almost constant] so to be ready to cut through your practical tasks more efficiently, still have energy to support your beautiful boys, and ensure that essential nourishing time for you.

Best to you TCG.

Hello TCG

Wishing you and your boys well and some good times together in this New Year.

Best wishes to you.

Dear TCG

What a decent, kind and remarkable man you are. I am sure your dear wife was just as proud of you as you clearly are of her.

I am so very sorry that this has happened to you al. I am glad to see that you are gettin g help and support.

Bella

Hope you are coping as the days go on.
Best wishes.

You are still in our thoughts x

Hi TCG, just checking in. Thinking of you.
X

Just read your thread. You are so brave and your dc are lucky to have you.

Just seen thus thread. Hope you and your dc are doing ok. There seems to be a wonderful community here for you. Thinking of you.

hello people. Wanted to touch base and say hi and apologise for not being able to engage for many months. hope everyone is ok and doing ok. I'll send an update when i get half a chance x

hello ,im sure you have had plenty to do without having to come on here.Hopefully you are in some kind of routine with the children now and are not finding it quite so difficult.Do pop on again when you have the time.Lovely to see you post.

Hello - I'm so, so sorry to hear of your devastating news. I lost my husband very recently to an immensely rare and rapid form of cancer - he was only 39 years old and had just become a daddy for the first time. I am also 36 y/o and we have a DD aged 2 and she just looks so much like her dad, which I'm forever grateful for. The MacMillan nurses are angels, I would go to them for support and advice as they have vast amounts of knowledge. I myself received a Carer's Allowance during my husband illness and afterwards I received a Bereavment Benefit - which as far as I can remember (as everything was and still is quite blurry) you can get from your locall DHSS office - I think they give you some money ever month for the next year. I cannot begin to convey my sadness and heartache at what you and your family are going through, just do as much as possible, which I know can often be limited, spend as much time as possible with your wife and try and discuss everything and anything, which is so difficult - my husband tried to talk to me about certain things, but I just couldn't, as I know what the end result was, but this is now something I so regret.

Memory boxes and video's for the little one's are lovely, my husband wrote a journal and it has been locked away until DD is 18y/o along with a video. Always remember that the little one's are part of you and part of your wife - part of her will always live on in your children and this will be more evident as they get older. I always talk to DD about her daddy and how he always helped sick people try and get better (he was a GP) and I tell her all the funny stories about him, what he liked and didn't like. I find it so hard to try and tell DD where her daddy has gone - as one moment he was in her life, the next he was gone - I also have quite a few photo's dotted about the house and we go and have a 'chat' to daddy every day and tell him what we've been doing and at night time, we blow a kiss and say night, night and god bless - I guess I don't want her to forget her dad - but who can remember what things they done when they were 2? Anyway, I'm sorry- I seem to be rambling - I'm so glad that you have a wonderful support net work - this is hugely important.

I didn't want to read and go, I wish you and your family love and take all the help and support you can get - even though you may feel you might not want it. xx