Wife is terminally ill with a few weeks left

[TheConstantGardener]

Hi all, first post here so please be kind! :)

To cut a long and hard story short, after 3 years battling with breast cancer my wife has stopped treatment and has been told she has 'a few weeks left'. I am 36 and she is 40 and our 2 sons are aged 3 and 5. We're using the remaining time to sort out practicalities (hard work) and spend some quality time as a family and have a few days out. I have been given time away from work for the time being.

My reason for posting is to get any advice/support from anyone who has been through something similar. We have a good family/friend support network with access to counseling, which has helped somewhat. However, I'd still like any advice on support for my sons - have checked out 'Winston's wish' which only works with kids 6+ and have been advised the 'Child bereavement trust' is not brilliant - so if anyone has any other tips I'd appreciate them. Obviously helping the boys with this is a source of huge anxiety for us.

Also, anyone with knowledge of possible widower benefits would also be useful, unfortunately these practicalities need to be discussed, however hard it is.

Thanks all and please message if you get a moment.

x

sending you and your boys my deepest sympathy,im sure you will do a fabulous job of bringing up your sons.

TCG - so sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your boys. This must be such a difficult time for you and I wish you all the strength in the world.

You sound like such a fantastic Dad, best wishes to you and your boys. Hope you're all feeling ok today.

TCG,

You sound like such a very lovely family: it is just so awful; I'm so sorry ...

Keep posting. We're all rooting for you, and will do whatever we can to help. Some of us live on the other side of the world, so chances are you'll be able to talk to someone in the hideous small wee hours.

Lots of love to you and your boys,

TMD xxx

You have brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure you are surrounded by friends who will help you through this time, and also in the future. Do ask if you need anything.

I have 2 boys (v similar age) and live quite close to you. If we can help in any way, I'd love to.

x

So sorry for your loss. I hope you can all bring each other comfort in the coming weeks.

You sound lovely

Constant Gardener, just wanted to say I'm so sorry for you and your boys. I know it sounds impossible but you will all survive this. You will be strong, you'll remember her always and you will take comfort in each other and gradually remember that life is for living and to appreciate the small things again (bit early for this chat maybe).

My Dad was widowed at 45 with 3 DD's 17(me), 13 & 8. Much older than your boys I know. What I remember from the early days in the shock & haze. In fact none of us remember much about it now. I also agree that routine is important and also distraction was key for us children. Any small treats to cheer everyone up. My Dad very uncharacteristically took us shopping (in the early months) for fun things (clothes/toys etc) and as we were older bought us each something important (jewellery). I still have the earrings and it is a lovely memory of him doing anything he could to cheer us up. Obviously jewellery not so useful in your case but a special trip where each gets to pick a toy of choice (would Hamleys or Harrods sound like your worst nightmare?). It might be something to comfort them.

My thoughts are with you all.

So sorry for your loss

TheConstantGardener - I have just read and sobbed through this thread. I cannot begin to imagine how you might be feeling but there is lots of good advice from others who have been in similar shoes to yours.

I am so very sorry for you and your sons and hope that you all have lots of support (Mumsnet all night if it helps!).

Sending lots of love x

I'm so very sorry to hear the sad news about your DW. My thoughts are with you and your boys.

I hope all of your lovely memories can give you some comfort when you need it most.

So very sad. My thoughts are with you all

xx

Very sorry, and hope you have plenty of RL friends who will be taking care and helping you all.

I hope you give her a really good send-off, iykwim. The funeral is for the living as much as the dead.

TCG sorry to hear that the end has come, but it is not the end is it, those of us that are left have to carry on and do what we can for the kids whilst suffering ourselves.

Advice for the next few days; make sure you eat and drink properly, it is all too easy to look after the boys and forget to look after yourself; accept all offers of help and if somebody says "what can I do" (a useless offer as your world is upside down and you have no idea what they can do) ask them to co-ordinate all the other daft buggers helpful folk saying "what can I do"; sleep when you can, middle of the day whenever, you may find yourself not able to sleep at night so take 40 winks whenever you can and don't feel guilty about it.

Finally if you want to talk to myself and others who have been through this drop me a note through here and I will let you have my MSN address, there are a few of us who chat on there as well as the WAY chatroom.

So very sorry.
As DIOM said, there are a few of us on here who are members of WAY and have been throu similar, my DH died from cancer 29 months ago.
Eat talk sleep and cry when you can.

ConstantGardener, I feel so sorry about your loss. I wish you and your boys lots of strength to go through this very difficult time.

I recently lost my mom which of course is not the same, but I just wanted to share that my biggest regret is that I couldn't take my dd (4) to her funeral (she was very close to my mom) as she couldn't fly due to ear infection. I do cry together with her, but for her it is just not sinking in at all, she still wants to call her. We have now started making a scrapbook about my mom/her granny, we also write little letters we put in, photos, things she would have liked (recipes etc.).

My deepest sympathy.

I have nothing to add except I am really sad for you all.xxx

(smell is a really good aid for memory so perhaps her perfume, shampoo etc could be included)

So sorry for you and your precious children x

I am so very very sorry to hear about your loss. How are your children doing? Did you find any information about the Widower Allowance? If not I may be able to help - I know that when you go to the registar they will give you a form which needs to go to the DWP. This is when you will need to apply. Unfortunatly it can take about 3 months for an outcome sometime. But you must apply for anything you think you maybe entitled too. Also there are a few books avaliable which explain whats happening in a child friendly way - The Lonely Tree being one. I really do feel for you and your family. Best wishes x

Murray do you mean Widower Allowance - or Widowed Parents Allowance?

TCG - I am so very very sorry for your loss. I can only reiterate what others have already said - look after yourself and accept any offers of help.
Haven't seen mention of "Crocus Group" anywhere else on this thread and not sure if it's maybe just in Scotland, but if there's one locally to you then maybe it would be good. It's basically a support group for bereaved children and my friends ds's found it incredibly helpful after their dad died. You and your family are in my thoughts x

Really sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your boys

I have just read this thread and couldn't leave it without posting.

I am so so sorry for your loss. Your wife sounds like an amazing woman who will always be loved so much. You also sound like a fantastic dad and I am sure that your boys couldn't ask for anybody better to help them with the loss of their mum, you are doing a great job with them.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

I don't know whereabouts in the country you are, but if there is anything at all that you need any help with please say.

just wanted to say...
so sorry for your loss

Wishing you all love and peace for the future.

You sound like a wonderful dad .