Wife is terminally ill with a few weeks left

[TheConstantGardener]

Hi all, first post here so please be kind! :)

To cut a long and hard story short, after 3 years battling with breast cancer my wife has stopped treatment and has been told she has 'a few weeks left'. I am 36 and she is 40 and our 2 sons are aged 3 and 5. We're using the remaining time to sort out practicalities (hard work) and spend some quality time as a family and have a few days out. I have been given time away from work for the time being.

My reason for posting is to get any advice/support from anyone who has been through something similar. We have a good family/friend support network with access to counseling, which has helped somewhat. However, I'd still like any advice on support for my sons - have checked out 'Winston's wish' which only works with kids 6+ and have been advised the 'Child bereavement trust' is not brilliant - so if anyone has any other tips I'd appreciate them. Obviously helping the boys with this is a source of huge anxiety for us.

Also, anyone with knowledge of possible widower benefits would also be useful, unfortunately these practicalities need to be discussed, however hard it is.

Thanks all and please message if you get a moment.

x

Hello TCG

Not posted before but have been following your thread. Thought I'd see how you are doing today?

GY

Just seen your thread and I, too, am very sorry for your loss. You sound like incredible people. Thinking of you all.

Hi,

Feeling a little ropey today, which is poo, so getting through the day is the aim. I'll update when I get 5 mins - off on the school run now.

So sorry for you all. My thoughts are with your family. Be strong x

i think you are doing fantastically well so don't beat yourself up for feeling bad. You have experienced a very tragic event.

Just take your time. Breathe in and out, thats all.

Thinking of you and your boys.

Hope you managed okay today. Just keep putting one front in the other. Thinking of you all lots.

I missed the updates to this thread. I am so, so sorry for your loss and can't imagine how you must be feeling at the moment. I hope that you have people there in RL to support you during this impossibly hard time. I know there is great support network here too for whenever you need it.

I hope that this is not talking out of turn, and the last thing I would want to do is to cause you more pain, but my mum died when I was 4 years old (my sister was 2). Forever after she became some mythical being only spoken of in hushed tones. It wasn't done to mention her, because people would be UPSET. Please, please don't do this with your darling boys.

Talk about her, celebrate her, tell them what she would have thought about stuff. Tell them about when she was funny/naughty/angry/pain in the arse/gorgeous. Tell them about the things you did as a family, how much she loved them. Make her real to them and encourage others to do the same, even if it is painful to do it.

It is OK to cry, it is OK to miss her unbearably, it is OK to be sad. You will all get through this. A teacher at school apparently asked me why my mummy never brought me to school. "She's in Heaven" I said. Embarrassed silence. "Whatabout Daddy? Is he is Heaven too?" she whispered. "Oh no" said 5 yo me "HE'S far too busy!"

Hello all

Today isnt good either, feeling very fragile and on the brink of tears all day. Began by sorting out the land line answer phone and listened to all messages intended for my wife. Horrid. Then began sorting some financial things out - even worse - I feel like going back to bed now. I am feeling this total paralysis and feel I cant get moving again, everything feels an up hill battle. Stinker. I'm normally dynamic and just get stuff done but this week nothing is getting done and I'm driving myself mad!

Also having problems with evenings as I dont always fancy company and only seem to want to talk about my 'situation', general chit chat just doesnt work for me for now! On the other hand I am missing that company of a loved one terribly, I just want someone to hold me, hug me and tell me it will be ok in the end and that I am wonderful! Funny the thoughts we have. I know I'm going through the process and have to, but it is an uncomfortable process!

I know I just have to go with it, take things slowly and let time pass, but its tough! I have applied to WAY and made some great contacts (thanks you lot), the peer support is invaluable. I am also planning to see 2 counsellors in the next few days which might help me at this point.

One thing that popped into my mind was the possibility of peer support groups locally - anyone know of one near Enfield or indeed is there anyone in a similar situation locally? I guess this might become apparent when my WAY application is processed.

Thanks for listening guys.

TCG it is so shatteringly horrible and overwhelming to have to start "sorting things out". YOu know, if you want to go back to bed, hide under the duvet and howl all day - and are able to do so (assume your sons are at school or nursery) - then DO. All the sorting and doing will still be there sadly but you need to take whatever time you want and can to just let go. And that's not always possible with young children.

Evenings - it's a real contradiction isn't it, you want company but you don't want to chat. You want to talk about you and your wife and your grief and disbelief but you don't actually want to talk at all. You want to be held but anyone other than your wife giving you a hug would feel wrong. There is sort of poem that expresses this very well. I will come back and post it if I find it.

I'm afraid I don't know of anything in or near Enfield to help, but WAY is your best bet here I think.

Found it - I'm not usually one for this sort of "poetry" but this might help express some of the utterly contradictory stuff you're feeling.

Hold me close and go away
Please visit me and please don't stay
Talk to me but please don't speak
I need you NOW, come back next week

Emotions muddled,needs unknown
To be with others or on my own?
To scream out loud? To rant and shout?
Or hide away and push you out?

I smile at you- "she's not that bad"
I shout at you-"she's going mad"
I speak to you- "what do I say?"
I show my tears- "quick walk away"

It's not catching, the grief I feel
I can't pretend that it's not real
I carry on as best I know
But this pain inside just wont go

So true friends,please, accept the lot
I shout, I cry, I lose the plot
I don't know what I need today
So hold me close and go away.

How I see it is that we feel this way because we have lost the one person who would be able to help us not feel this way. But it's because they're not here that we feel how we do. Pretty contradictory and unsolvable sadly.

thanks Alpha, thats pretty spot on!

Just had a think about child care. George is 5.5 and at school and Stan is 3.5 and splits his time between playgroup (5 mornings 9-12) and nursery (mon-weds 1-6pm) which obviously means there are pick ups and drop offs. I am considering using an au pair in future so maybe she could do these picks ups/drop offs. The other thought I had was asking George's school if Stan could join reception early which removes those drop offs and the complexity AND means I wouldnt have to pay the day nursery fees. I will discuss this with friends also before asking the school what they are able to offer. The school does not have a nursery itself, which is a shame. I am not sure what flexibility the school will have and whether they'd consider such a proposal.

What do people think?

TCG
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
I was wondering if you'd heard of Cruse (bereavement counselling)

www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

their helpline number and email address is on the site. Talking to someone who understands what you're going through might help on days like this when everything seems so impossible.

As for school, I reckon you need to speak to as many people as possible to make sure it is the right option for your little boy.

Thinking of you and sending a great big hug

Hi TCG. To answer your questions on practical stuff, I honestly don't think the school would be able or allowed to take your younger son early. Also, if he is used to playgroup and nursery, it would be a big wrench to move him now when what he needs most is continunity (my ds is 3.5 too).

Your idea of an au pair is a really good one. Or there may be a childminder who would help now, as you might need more help with before and after school care once both boys are at school.

We're here to help if we can so keep asking and posting.

And try to switch off if you can. SOmetimes something strenuous like a run or a swim is good to physically tire you out - you must be mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Thinking of you and your little boys

Wanted to help with your question about peer support groups locally, so have posted for you in the Mumsnet Local Enfield site. Hope you don't mind- it doesn't look like it necessarily receives masses of traffic but it might turn up some local help/ advice.

My guess is that the school might not be able to offer the flexibility of an early start (rules and all that), but you can but speak to them to find out the score. I guess your aim is to provide as much stability as you can in your boys' lives at the moment, and your friends will be able to advise as well.

On the other hand, MN can help you with the practicalities of finding an au pair or a childminder if need be- just shout.

Sending very best wishes especially for the difficult evenings.

TheConstantGardner, just wanted to know my thoughts are with you.

I am so sorry for your loss.

You are very brave and wonderful TCG. All the love, care, compassion and strength you showed when your wife was so ill; your overwhelming concern for your boys, and your own needs to juggle as well.

I hope there are some less dark moments in amongst the pain.

FWIW I think your youngest might be better off sticking with the familiar routine he has at the moment while his world is in such flux. Even though it's harder for you :)

Be kind to yourself and howl when you can!

Lots of love,

xx

Hi

I stumbled across this post quite by accident but I just wanted to send my best wishes and that I understand what you are going through. I lost my mum a few weeks ago, she had been battling with MS for 23 years but died suddenly after contracting pneumonia. My dad has been amazing and it sounds like you are pretty similar.

The one thing that has resonated with us both is what my dad's GP said to him about the bereavement process. He doesn't really think the 7 stages of grieving that we are supposed to go through is of much help - what he does think is that grieving is like a glass of fizzy drink - the emotions bubble to the surface thick and fast to begin with, and then randomly for a while until the drink gradually reaches a stage where everything is calm with no unexpected 'bubbles'. I'm not sure I've said it as eloquently as him but I hope you understand the idea.

Take care x
PS: My little one is called Stan too!

Hi CG. Didn't want to read (cry!) and run. Your thread has had me in many tears - from start to here. You are an inspiration through this sadness. Take care,

Hello TCG. I haven't posted before on your thread, but I do remember it beginning. I didn't feel that I had anything at all helpful to say, but now I've just sat and read through the whole thing, I couldn't not say anything.

I'm so sorry for your loss and the loss of your boys as well.

Thinking of you all. x

TCG, I searched for your thread after your comment on another in Lone parents.

Poor all of you :(

Sending many warm thoughts and a very big hug, a tousle on your hair and a kiss on your cheek.

one day at a time....

x

Hi TheConstantGardner,

Your situation has had me in tears as it mirrors my own from 11 years back.

Right now there is a massive hole in the core of you and it feels as if it will never close.

All the practical things to be done can feel like a pain but I have to say I found them essential to keep me going and my own daughter who was 6 at the time was my only reason for staying around.

I would suggest keep plugging away at Winstons as your eldest is almost 6. We were with them for 10 years, they became a blessing in our lives.

Everything you are doing at the moment is just right as far as my experience shows. You are doing a great job.

Nobody told me about WAY at the time but I would've liked to have gone and checked it out. I had friends who were involved in complementary therapies and healing which helped me. I also got in touch with people I hadn't seen for years and that gave me a sense of connecting to my past which made me feel just a little more alive.

What really helped more than anything was this; whatever you feel, feel it and don't avoid it. The feelings will pass and each time you 'come around' you'll feel the tiniest bit of healing taking place. It builds over time.

Other children might feel like their mummy will 'catch' it too and it's important that school is very sensitive to this, taking your eldest son's class through some sensitive understanding of what has happened. Winstons Wish provided teacher support for this and I'm really grateful to some of the teachers for their support.

As for children's 'resilience'? It hurts us all, including the kids. But they are so young and don't really understand the ramifications of what has happened. They 'investigate' the whole process of death in their own inimitable way. One minute they can be enveloped in it and the next, matter-of-factly asking, can I go to 'Josh's party on Saturday. That's how they deal with it, like jumping in puddles, getting out, and walking on their way again.

But they have in you a wonderful dad who is a man unafraid of expressing his emotions and who is real and brave enough to ask for help when he needs it.

You've also got fantastic support from what I've read on this site and, your experience is an opportunity for others to develop understanding too.

Get as much peace for you as you can - absolutely ANYTHING that makes you feel good. Do it guiltlessly and remember that you wife would genuinely want you to take care of you as much as take care of the boys. This means being gentle on yourself as much as possible and feeling good about using all the support available.

All the very best to you.

Top Dad - top post!

TCG - I just wanted to let you know that I'm still thinking about you and your boys. It's just so unfair and it hurts so much, you just want to be held by the one person who could make it all better... the poem by Alpha was just so spot on :(

How are you getting on with plans for Christmas, have you got the boys sorted? In one way you want to make it wonderful for them, but in another way you just wish it would all go away. It's so hard.

xxx

Hi all

Had a hard week doing lots of emotionally draining things and the last few days I have felt terrible, extremely low and am finding the paperwork hard, xmas is looking and there doesnt seem enough hrs in the day - I feel completely demotivated atm. I think I have lost my momentum for a while. Not aided by feeling totally knackered and having an upset stomach today! Great!

I need to check out the Winstons wish stuff again, feeling so immersed in grief the last few days I am wondering if I am doing the right things for the boys - I think I am just tired. Pooped.

I am working on using my support to give me a little time to get on with things now, which is good. Also, intending to organise things so I can pop out every now and then in the evening for a swim, pint, whatever.

Maybe I have been immersing myself too much, but its hard to 'park' all those emotions and I feel I need to work through them now. That said, maybe I need to make more time to do something special, see something spectacular or just talk about something else?