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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Wife is terminally ill with a few weeks left

271 replies

TheConstantGardener · 27/09/2010 11:33

Hi all, first post here so please be kind! :)

To cut a long and hard story short, after 3 years battling with breast cancer my wife has stopped treatment and has been told she has 'a few weeks left'. I am 36 and she is 40 and our 2 sons are aged 3 and 5. We're using the remaining time to sort out practicalities (hard work) and spend some quality time as a family and have a few days out. I have been given time away from work for the time being.

My reason for posting is to get any advice/support from anyone who has been through something similar. We have a good family/friend support network with access to counseling, which has helped somewhat. However, I'd still like any advice on support for my sons - have checked out 'Winston's wish' which only works with kids 6+ and have been advised the 'Child bereavement trust' is not brilliant - so if anyone has any other tips I'd appreciate them. Obviously helping the boys with this is a source of huge anxiety for us.

Also, anyone with knowledge of possible widower benefits would also be useful, unfortunately these practicalities need to be discussed, however hard it is.

Thanks all and please message if you get a moment.

x

OP posts:
Greenwing · 12/11/2010 22:28

I had no constructive advice so have not posted over the last couple of weeks but have been watching the thread and thinking of you.
My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you, and if you don't mind, I will light a candle and pray for her at church for her this Sunday as it is the only thing I can do to help from this distance.

Solodad · 12/11/2010 23:41

TheConstantGardener,

You have my deepest sympathy.

The thing that helped me through those early days was to work to my 2 boys routine, what was next in the routine. They were nearly 3 and 9 mo at the time.

I was/am always honest with them, and use simple language so that they are not confused or misunderstand.

The other thing that I think is worth maintaining is your normal disipline method for the children, it is so hard to do to start with, but does get easier.

Hang-in there, and take one step at a time.

Rannaldini · 12/11/2010 23:53

my thoughts are with you and your family
i'm so very sorry

duchesse · 13/11/2010 00:30

I am so sorry ConstantGardener. Hope you manage to stay strong, but don't forget to allow yourself to grieve.

LoveBeingAMummy · 13/11/2010 01:36

I'm so, so sorry. Nothing can prepare you for when it actually happens. X

echt · 13/11/2010 07:00

ConstantGardener - saw your thread in the earlier days, but hadn't followed up.

Sad for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.

bulby · 13/11/2010 07:24

Hello
I teach older children but have noticed that the 'normalness' of school seems to be a massive relief for the kids. It also seems to be a place that they can have moments of laughing and joking without feeling guilty about it because they aren't surrounded by others who are directly affected. As people have said, children are really resistant. I know yours might not have started school yet but allowing them normality. Really does seem to help, and I am sure that will help you to feel better too. All the best

Tootlesmummy · 13/11/2010 07:30

I'm so sorry for you and your loss.

I think you are doing amazing and I know your DC will give you lots of joy and comfort in the coming weeks and months.

beepbeep · 13/11/2010 07:39

I'm so sad for you loss. Thinking of you and your beautiful boys. Keep close, your boys need you so much, but don't forget about yourself and get the support you need too.

notevenasparkler · 13/11/2010 07:43

I'm so sorry to read of the loss of your wonderful wife. You, too, sound amazing, with your strength and love and I am sure she also thought the absolute world of you.

I can't add anything to what others have already said apart from - if going to sleep becomes really terrible, there is no shame in seeing your GP for a few sleeping tablets. You will still wake up for your DC and they make some that are not addictive these days. Thinking of you as you wake up to Saturday - I hope there are some little rays of sunshine as you see yourself and your wife mirrored in your boys today.

AllOverIt · 13/11/2010 07:53

So so sad for the loss of your lovely DW. She sounds amazing.

Your DC are so lucky to have you. Be kind to yourself. Thinking of you all.

shortandsweet2 · 13/11/2010 08:09

I'm so sorry for your loss :(

NorbertDentressangle · 13/11/2010 09:08

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Thinking of you and your family

PercyPigPie · 13/11/2010 12:19

So so sorry for your loss and I hope you and your boys are doing as well as can be expected.

Original poster
TheConstantGardener · 14/11/2010 11:50

Hi,

It's been a whirlwind few days in some respects but at others it has dragged terribly. Registering my wife's death and the chit chat was hard work and the confirmation of 'widower' horrible, I dont want to be a widower, right now holding on feels so important somehow.

My wife died on her birthday, she never got to open all those very special presents and that confirmation of how everyone adored her. She was such a lover of flowers that I feel so sad she never saw all the flowers which have been bought for her birthday. In some ways she might have liked the neatness and symmetry of the birthday perhaps?

Today we are having a family dinner at my wife's father's, which should be a good chance to talk, cry, laugh, whatever. I am taking with us all my wife's presents so that my 2 boys can open them - I want them to do this and take ownership of whichever presents they would like - hopefully special 'Mummy' things that will be in the house for many years and to which they can associate.

Went to visit the funeral directors on Friday and we're looking at a woodland burial in Epping and I'd love to hear from anyone who has experience with either woodland burials or the Epping site itself?

If it's ok I will re-read the posts from scrathc and get back to posters with specific advice/ideas. I hope it's ok to message particular posters.

lots of love x

OP posts:
meltedmarsbars · 14/11/2010 12:08

Woodland burial sounds lovely - and the presents thing is a lovely idea - you can also have a willow coffin - I know someone who made her own mother's.

  • but be aware of the potential need for the boys to have "ownership" of the spot where their mum is, and some woodland burial sites only have unmarked graves. This might be important for some people but not others - I have friends whose daughter was cremated and her ashes scattered, and they somehow regretted not having a specific grave to lay flowers on in the decades afterwards.

Sorry to sound so crude and awkward, but I wanted you to be aware of it.

Best wishes

essenceofSES · 14/11/2010 12:58

Just wanted to add my own support and condolences.

You and your boys are in my thoughts and I hope you will find help through the recommedations that people have given you on here - do keep posting all the while it helps.

Family meal today sounds like a good opportunity for you all - may be hard but hopefully it will also help with the start of the grieving process.

Mumcentreplus · 14/11/2010 13:34

Hi Constant nice to hear from you... I have heard of a place called The Epping Forest Burial park it's quite new and a place that concertrates on nature and natural burial plots..my mum is bringing me more details so I will let you know..take care x

weblette · 14/11/2010 14:45

Hi TCG,

A friend of mine recently died much too young from ovarian cancer leaving her DH and 6 yr old son.

As a family they picked the Chiltern Woodland Burial Park which is near us and in the same group as the Epping Forest park.

Her dh told me that they had walked round it together so for him and his son to walk round it once she'd gone, it would feel like she was still with them.

Her funeral was the most beautiful I've ever been to. She was buried in a simple wicker casket covered in flowers. It was as religious as they wanted it to be, they had a family friend and the local vicar conducting the service.

The park buildings are uplifting - full of light, airy with lots of wood and glass, you are surrounded by trees and birds.

The plots are grouped in little areas off named woodland paths - every one is marked.

Her son didn't attend but his teachers took a pine cone home for him to keep.

I personally can't think of a more beautiful place. I'm so sorry that you are in the same position as my friend but I know that he takes great comfort from where his dw now rests.

ArsMamatoria · 14/11/2010 19:36

TheConstantGardener - I have sent a message about OH's burial (in a natural burial ground).

It was simple, quiet and secular. I, his friends and his family read his favourite poems. A tree now grows over the spot in beautiful countryside.

KnittingisbetterthanTherapy · 14/11/2010 19:45

TheConstantGardener, I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost a friend to a brain tumour at the age of 39. She had a 3yr old and a 5yr old. She was buried in a woodland site near Bristol and now has a tree and various bulbs growing in her plot. It is a beautiful, tranquil plot.

We had a humanist service for her, some songs and some readings/eulogies.

Her grave is marked by a simple headstone and it is a place her children still visit often (they are now 11 and 13).

I hope the service helps you find some peace. My friend's loss still breaks my heart all these years on.

RunawayChristmasTree · 14/11/2010 20:05

TCG, so very sorry to read your wife has passed away Sad thoughts are with you and your family

QOD · 14/11/2010 20:22

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

Keep coming back, we'll keep you company - take help that is offered and if someone says "is there anything I can do?" say yes - could you do a load of laundry or ironing - the little practical things.
X

MackerelOfFact · 15/11/2010 10:04

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. Your wife sounds amazing, truly inspirational. Your words give her such life and I hope that your boys will find comfort in this as they get older. Thinking of you all x

AlphaSchmalpha · 16/11/2010 20:17

Hello there. I am so very sorry for you and your boys, and for your lovely wife.

My husband died nearly 4 years ago. He has a woodland burial site and it is beautiful. It is in Brookwood Cemetery (Surrey), which I think would be too far for you. I found that some of the woodland sites, being very new, felt a little stark and unfriendly.

Our place is established with mature trees, birds flitting about, wild flowers and other planting everywhere (including on the burial sites, you can plant whatever you like really) and feels like a good compromise between raw woodland and something more traditional. I rarely visit, but just knowing that he is somewhere so beautiful is in its own small way a comfort. Taking small children then is much more "friendly" than to a regular churchyard or cemetery as well, I have found.

There are so many things I could say to you to try and help, but you will be so overwhelmed with messages and support and advice and help that I will stop here. But keep posting here and there will be people here to help in whatever way they can. Also feel free to PM me if it would help at all.

Thinking of you and sending you and your boys love, peace and strength.