Wife is terminally ill with a few weeks left

[TheConstantGardener]

Hi all, first post here so please be kind! :)

To cut a long and hard story short, after 3 years battling with breast cancer my wife has stopped treatment and has been told she has 'a few weeks left'. I am 36 and she is 40 and our 2 sons are aged 3 and 5. We're using the remaining time to sort out practicalities (hard work) and spend some quality time as a family and have a few days out. I have been given time away from work for the time being.

My reason for posting is to get any advice/support from anyone who has been through something similar. We have a good family/friend support network with access to counseling, which has helped somewhat. However, I'd still like any advice on support for my sons - have checked out 'Winston's wish' which only works with kids 6+ and have been advised the 'Child bereavement trust' is not brilliant - so if anyone has any other tips I'd appreciate them. Obviously helping the boys with this is a source of huge anxiety for us.

Also, anyone with knowledge of possible widower benefits would also be useful, unfortunately these practicalities need to be discussed, however hard it is.

Thanks all and please message if you get a moment.

x

Thanks all for posting and thanks for the kind words. We've been to visit the North London Hospice (we are in Enfield) and felt strangely reassured - didn't really have any preconceptions but came away without any fears my wife will be looked after. Its been a tough time and strangely getting local care in place has made me feel slightly better for some reason - I think the burden of care being solely on us has been very hard for both of us.

Flighttattendant - sorry to hear about your friend who sadly passed away and hope her husband is managing, its a worry for me in the future juggling home, work, kids and the welter of emotion and I am clinging to the hope we can get to a point where we function a little more normally at some point. We've lived with this thing for 3+ years now so I know we get used to all sorts of bad news, disappointments and anxieties in time but still its hard to be 100% confident you can be strong enough all the time!

I think the videos are an invaluable thing, thanks all for that idea. Also the YAW idea sounds useful and I will check that out - I can already see how invaluable a support network of that sort might be.

At the moment we're keeping things normal, kids have a great little routine and we're taking comfort from that having had Mum in and out of hospital for several weeks this year :).

Thanks all and I'll be checking in when I can and taking on board any sound advice - please keep it coming.

Lots of love & peace x

So sorry you and your family are going throu this.
Macmillan are very good at supporting the whole family both before and after a death.

WAY (widowed and young) is also very good.
Macmillan have a forum which is supportive and you can just read stuff or ask questions.
Video stuff when you can as it's hard to remember someones voice once they have died.
One of the things we were going to do when my husband was terminally I'll was to get his voice recorded into a Teddy bear for each of the kids, sadly we were not able to do it and I wish we could have done.
As for bereavement benefits, when you go to register the death you will be given lots of forms and information, there is a non means tested benefit of 2k which you can get which you can use towards the funeral or something else.
You should also get widowed parents allowance.
Feel free to contact me if you want to as I know how difficult dealing with this situation is, you are probably feeling a range of emotions and no two days are the same, mumsnet were are huge support to me and I'm sure they will be to you too.

So very sorry.
Do stay on here --so much good advice.
I once taught some children whose mother also sadly had a terminal diagnosis,on what they knew would be their final visit to the hospice they were each given a soft toy by her and school allowed them to keep these with them at all times--it seemed to be a small comfort to them.teachers were also asked to the funeral.
Love to you all

I can't better all the good advice that you have received here, but wanted to say how very sorry I am to hear of your situation. I lost my DH suddenly in June 2008 and my children were older than yours, but if you wanted to contact me I would be glad to help you with any information I could provide. Certainly when the time is right for you I would definitely second Onlyjoking regarding contacting WAY, do have a look at their website at www.wayfoundation.org.uk/ It has been an immense support to me and my family, it helps so much to know that you are not alone in what you are going through.

Wishing you and your family strength for the days to come.

I am so sorry to ready your post and I hope you have a lot of love and support to get you all through this. I remember that when I was a young teen and my mother had cancer (thankfully, she survived) I found it all so very heavy that I needed a bit of an escape. I was in the school play and I had friends who made me an honorary member of their family, so to speak - I spent many weekends with them. If there are activities your kids enjoy, encourage them to keep it up. It's too much for a child to be sad all the time.

CG your story is very similar to mine albeit I am 30 months further down the road than you. My youngest was 5 when DW died, and of the three kids has probably coped the best, they are amazingly resilient at that age.

You are doing all the right things with memory boxes and trying to keep their life as normal as possible. With memory books you can get other people to write stories and memories as well to try and get as full a picture as possible.

I did use some of the Winstons Wish material with my five year old and though I had to go through it and help him more than the other two it was useful.

Along with Evenstar and OJ (hi guys) I am also a member of WAY and wouldn't have got through the early days without the support and comradeship I found there. Though you won't believe it, the most important thing you can learn in the early days is that you are not alone. If you want to contact me through Mumsnet happy to reply.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I lost my mum when I was 13, so a lot older than your children. I do remember that the Macmillan nurses helped Mum sort out Benefits etc.

Our local hospice were amazing. Mum used to go once a week to the day centre and get pampered. Massages, nails etc. It really helped her. She also spent her last couple of months there and I think it really helped my Dad out knowing she was safe and when he was home he could concentrate my brothers and I. I had art therapy there for a while too, they would send a driver to pick me up from school, they did everything they could to help us as a family.

I agree with videos and definitely letters. I would love to hear my mums voice again and to hear her laugh but we don't have anything like that. I would've loved to have had a letter when my first child was born and for my wedding next year.

Wishing you and your family strength for the future.

Have no advice but didnt want to pass this by.

Wishing you and your family much love and strength x

Thanks all.

Have been in touch with a few organisations RE helping the boys deal with bereavement, still need to explore that further but made a good start. WAY looks useful, I've requested to join the messageboard and approval seems to be pending (has done for 2 days now!), hopefully I can get on there soon as I think talking to peers in a similar situation might help me and I'm sure the emotions I currently have will be fairly common.

Dadinsteadofmum - thanks for you kind and sensible words, I hope you are doing ok now, hope to chat on WAY at some point. Also I LOVE the idea of getting other people to write about my wife, I think that would help both me and the boys tremendously.

At the moment every day feels different and my mood varies - today I feel exhausted by the whole thing. Back to the relaxation techniques and rescue remedy I think! The local Nightingale trust have kindly offered a massage this afternoon - thankfully as I think I am so tense my neck and shoulders have fused!

Thanks for caring everyone.
x

So sorry to hear this, how sad :(

The only things I can really suggest are:

Accept only what you need/want, what is right for you, not what you feel you should.

Lists are your friends :)

I know you'll both want to focus on the boys but time just as husband and wife is important too.

Love to you all xxx

I am so sorry to hear this, that is really sad.

As it happens I have actually been working on a bereavement pack for schools to work on in Enfield. It is still in draft stages at the min so schools don't have it yet but if it would help PM me and I would be happy to try to get a draft copy to your 5 year olds school if it would help. Not for them to make a big deal of it in class or anything obviously but it may help the teachers support your DC's.
Also I have a contact at Enfield CAMHS who is a bit of an expert in child bereavement so she may be a good person to contact too.

I hope you also have a good support network locally for you and your family.
Thinking of you all.

I am very sorry about this. I can't add much to what has been said as it's all great advice.
My father died recently in a hospice and I cannot praise the place highly enough.
As well as video don't forget photos. Not just to sit on the computer . Print them and frame them and hang them all around the house. My mum has found some comfort from this as have my children.

Also stick with mumsnet. In the years to come you will face all the usual challenges of bringing up children without the love and support of their mother. MNers will help you.

Anyone know a WAY messageboard administrator? I seem to be having an issue signing in and being accepted - maybe I am being impatient? If anyone does could you please give them a nudge on my behalf please. Thanks!

I do, but he is a volunteer and tends to approve batches at a go when he has a moment. I seem to remember it took about a week for me. If you CAT me with your YUKU name I will nudge him.

My heart goes out to you, TCG. I can't really better the excellent advice you've been given here. I lost my DH two years ago to cancer and my DSs were 4 and 5 at the time. What helped them at the time, and since, was keeping them involved and giving them choices. I let them see DH just after he died (at home, in bed). I took them to the funeral, while reassuring them that they could leave at any time if they didn't like it. DS2 chose to leave and was taken outside by a relative. DS1 chose to stay.

Little things have helped too. We created memory boxes together and they chose things like one of Daddy's ties. They each chose a photograph and a frame to have by their bed. The photos are not ones I'd have picked (taken when DH was very ill and looked awful!) but it was their choice. Bereavement is such an 'out of your control' experience that I think any element of choice is helpful for children.

Two years on, I still let them dictate the terms of their grief. If they want to talk about DH, we talk. On anniversaries and special days, they come up with their own ideas of what they want to do. Chocolate cake seems to figure heavily but they have little rituals. On DH's birthday, they sing happy birthday to his photo. Breaks my heart to join in but it's what they want to do. I guess what I'm trying to say is listen to your children and they will tell you what they need.

And don't neglect yourself. Go with the flow. If you have a day where you want to look at old photos and cry for hours, do it. If you have days when you're having fun, don't feel guilty. Life will never be the same, and it won't be what you expected or wanted, but it can be good and you and your DCs can be happy.

Come on to MN whenever you need a shoulder to cry on. Sadly, there are quite a few of us who have been through it and we're always here to listen.

If you look at Friday`s Daily Telegraph Oct 1st there is an article on the front page and inside about a wife who left over 100 pieces of advice for her husband about how she wanted her boys brought up.

hi Constant Gardener
Really sorry to hear about your wife.
my friend died very suddenly aged 39 last year. her husband was a similar age and her son was 2.
her husband used winston's wish and found it helpful.
I don't really have much other advice to give, execept to say that, although it has been a terrible shock, the little boy is making wonderful progress, is happy and so on. His dad's life has settled into a new kind of normality, and although it's not what anyone would have wanted, and it's really tough at times, it is going ok. he's had a lot of support from friends, so please don't be too proud to accept that as time goes on.
i also just wanted to say, don't be too busy doing things in these last few weeks (although i know i would, to take my mind off it all) make sure you make loads of time for your wife and family, i know you will.
many hugs.

I am very sorry that your family is having to go through this,wishing you lots of strength in the coming months

I am so sorry you are going through this. I cant offer any further advice from what has been posted, but wanted to wish you all the most wonderful time creating those happy memories for you and your children xx

No advice, but just say thinking of you and your family.

J

I am so sorry you are all going through this.

My mum lost her mum to breast cancer when she was a child, and her mum's friends and relatives were a great source of comfort to her - and still are, because they can pass on the stories, how she used to get beer bottle tops off with her teeth and could pluck a chicken in five minutes flat and had a laugh you could hear across the village, daft stuff from a long long time ago, but worth a lot to my mum and something to me and my sisters too, though of course we never met her.

Does your wife use facebook? She might feel like 'friending' as many people as possible from the different times in her life, not necessarily to do anything with now, but so that you can later, even years later, put the word out for stories about her, as the need arises.

xx

Sorry to hear this. My mum died when I was four and my brother was three so my Dad was in your position.

I second the advice about getting your wife to write letters, cards, etc. I don't have any of that from my mum and I wish I did. Talk about her as well - there was a bit of a lack of that when I was growing up, as well as not really looking at photos or anything, and we don't have videos or anything either. I have heard a very brief recording which included a couple of words of her voice, but that's so tiny.

Just read this and couldn't not post, even though I'm not qualified to offer anything wise.

Wishing you all the best. I have no advice, but just wanted to pledge my support - make the most of the next few weeks, and let us know how you are when you can.

With love and strength,

xxx

One thing I would say is, if you can, definitely make a recording of your DWs voice. My mum has been gone for 17years now and although I have photos I struggle to remember what her voice sounds like. I would love to have a tape of her laughing! Truly wishing you all the best
xx