Help, son being sent home from holiday by BIL's family

[Easy]

My BIL and his partner have taken ds to Cornwall for the week. They have a grandson 2 years younger (DS is nearly 6, their GS 3) and have taken the boys away before.

Anyway, they went on Saturday, rang on Sunday to say they'd been on the beach. When they rang it was 8:15 p.m. and ds hadn't had tea then!

Yesterday they rang at 6. DS was a bit tearful, said he missed me, but was OK after a chat. SIL said they'd lost him on the beach (had to get the lifeguard to find him [gulp]) and he was tired cos of the late night on Sunday. I said was she sure he was OK, she said everything was fine, don't worry, he's OK.

This afternoon, I was at work (In a meeting actuallY) BIL calls my mobile, says DS's behaviour is awful, "In our opinion he's totally out of control", and they're all coming home, packing NOW.

I asked to speak to SIL, but he just said she's too busy packing.

I got dh to ring. The upshot is they will stay on holiday but dh has to drive to Bristol now to meet BIL, and bring DS home.

I'm so upset. I'm cross with BIL and SIL who were obviously in the middle of a row when he rang, and can't imagine what ds has done that is so awful.

I'm also cross becos we had planned a couple of evenings out this week, which we'll have to cancel now.

But mostly, my son isn't a monster. He may be over-tired, and excited, and a bit strong-willed. But not totally out of control.

And what do we say when we next see SIL?

Find out what happened before you do anything. If poss hear both sides.

Poor you,
Sounds lke your DS may have been a bit over excited due to having such a change to his routine esp if he's use to eating and sleeping at a certain time.
Also if they have been getting cross with him, he's probably feeling a little insecure and missing his mummy.
Sounds very extreme to say he's out of control, sounds more like somethings happening between them and they're extra stressed.
I think when you see them you should ask exactly what happened. Good luck

If he is out of routine, not eating as much/at right times, with a diferent family on top of being lost on a busy beach I can imagine him being difficult poor love.

Sounds like they have no idea how to manage the behaviours of children. All children can be a bit naughty sometimes, especially when tired or upset as your ds has been, but shouldn't be a problem in an otherwise well behaved child if handled properly.

I had a similar experience with my ds, the most placid, quiet-as-a-mouse boy imaginable, wouldn't say boo to a goose - he was having tennis lessons and because he was presumably bored and other children were getting away with being naughty suddenly became very badly behaved himself and was removed from the lesson . All this observed by a friend of mine as I wasn't there (needless to say) who a) couldn't believe what she was seeing, and b) said it was entirely the teacher's fault that it had escalated to this degree.

All this long winded ramble is to say - basically, yes, your ds may have been naughty but it sounds like a case of very poor behaviour management on the part of the bil & partner. (Perhaps their own relationship difficulties are affecting their ability to look after small children).

As to what to say to them - perhaps it depends on how much you value the relationship. I might say something like "I'm sorry you had a hard time with him - he's never been like you describe with me before - perhaps he got really worried when you lost him and couldn't cope".

As I think about it I'm getting more cross with BIL and SIL.

Anyway situation slightly improved. My mum (who lives near Gloucester) is going to meet and collect DS, and have him to stay with her until I can go and collect him on Thursday.

Saves dh 8 hours driving tonight at least.

My DS is an angel (no really he is!!) - until he's tired or hungry and then there is a change in his behaviour. There is no reasoning with him at all and I know that so I make sure we leave the park before he's too tired and tearful (for example) and feed him at regular intervals. You know all this about your son but they don't and it probably as simple as that.

No suggestions about where you go from here but I would imagine him coming home has more to do with them (SIL and BIL) rather than your son.

bit pathetic of your BIL and SIL that they can't actually explain to you what the problem is. How bad can a 6yo be?

Were there any probs last time he went away with them?

nice of your mum to pick your ds up though

Robinia,

Postings crossed with you.

I think they've probably handled him wrongly too.He isn't an angel, but not "totally out of control" either.

I can't believe their grandson is utterly angelic all the time.

I'm not too worried about our relationship with them I suppose. The do occasionally babysit, and have had him at their house the odd weekend, so we get to go out, but I can't say we are close with them

But BIL is Ds's godfather, so I'd like to keep it sweet if poss.

not that I have a 6yo of my own to compare

Sounds rather extreme, their description of him being out of control. If they arent keen on having him probably better he leaves anyway.

Oh absolutely, Hercules, I don't want him to stay where he isn't wanted.

Poor lamb, he soooo loves the seaside. He will be upset.

Something I just remembered. At one time in her life SIL trained as a junior school teacher. She didn't stick it long tho' IIRC.

I think it is terrible to have lost him, ffs, without explaining to you what happened, and to be telling you things like 'he is out of control' without explaining the details. How very worrying and upsetting.
It may be that they simply can't cope with two children and whatever is going on between them. It's a shame you won't get to hear DS's side of the story in detail until Thu, but I hope he has a nice few days - it must be very traumatic for him, poor thing. Tbh, I think I'd be glad he was leaving them - I'd be worried if DS was with people who lost him.
As much calmness as possible all round will probably help from now on!

I also think it's appalling that they lost him. If I was looking after someome else's child I would be doubly vigilant. Of course these things happen to the most vigilant of people but if it had happened under my care I would have been extremely apologetic and mortified.

Agree with everyone who said that they should tell you exactly what happened.

Well yes, re the losing him. It seems that SIL was on her own with both boys on the beach. They were running towards the sea. The little one fell in a puddle, so she stopped to pick him up, and when she looked round ds was gone! Apparently another Mummy took him to the lifeguard station, altho they nearly launched a boat to look for him (I know he wouldn't have gone in the water by himself).

I know how it is on a crowded beach, altho' I don't understand why she was on her own with them.

I suspect there is 'something' going on between them, but didn't think it would impact like this.

I would also say that they had to persuade me to let ds go on this holiday, because I wondered if both boys might be a bit much, and because Cornwall is a long way to get to in a hurry . I have said before that I'd be happier if they had chosen scarborough or somewhere (we're in Nottingham). But they assured me they really wanted to take him.

Have they not told you what the problem was yet?

I think if you leave it too long it will become uncomfortable

I would assume it would take a lot for them to feel that they couldn't cope with your DS and make this decision and from what you've said about him that is totally out of character

But it also sounds like its out of character for your BIL/SIL to not be able to cope with the children

sounds really difficult situation .. I don't envy you ... but am interested in what the whole story is when you get a chance to post

Oh Easy, what a horrid situation.

Sounds very out of character for your DS, especially from what you have told us about him in the past.

I think you need to speak to your SIL/BIL as soon as you can to discuss this. What is he supposed to have done, etc?

Take care.

Sorry to hear this easy. They're out of order for a/losing him, totally unacceptable imo and b/saying something so totally inappropriate wrt a six year old fgs. Yep, keep children up late, give them no rules and maybe too many sweet things and they will be hard work imo. Esp 6 yo boys. I agree with jimjams though, hear both sides before you react. I'm no help though, I'm cross on your and your ds's behalf already. I do think there's something going on there you don't know about.

Recently went to Turkey with my two boys-one one and a half and the eldest 3 and half-they were so naughty and tiring that we wanted to come home after the first week-we knew, however, that it was because they were out of their routine-If they had been without us too then who knows how they would have been.????

Poor lad, what's he going to be feeling now? BIL and SIL obviously have no idea of child psychology! I'd ask them for details later deffo, but for now meet him with a huge hug, say I am so glad you are back- I missed you! and leave it at that with him. being sent home is way OTT punishment anyway for a six year old!

Poor lad, what's he going to be feeling now? BIL and SIL obviously have no idea of child psychology! I'd ask them for details later deffo, but for now meet him with a huge hug, say I am so glad you are back- I missed you! and leave it at that with him. being sent home is way OTT punishment anyway for a six year old!

I would want to let rip at BIL and find out what the hell was going on. But that wouldn't be very helpful would it? It sounds as though they haven't managed to organise a routine or understand the needs of small children. Your DS is acting out of character because he is probably missing you, in a different environment, and scared to death after getting lost on the beach.

Give him a a big hug when he gets home bless him.

ok read again- I suspect they're not used to 6 year olds and expect too much. My friend's ILs do the same wrt to eating times when they go away and it causes no end of problems as her boys (6 and 8) end up starving and so behave badly. I suspect the best thing would be to hear their side of the story and stick to something like "i'm sorry you couldn't handle him" and then refuse to discuss it. And give your ds a huge hug. Poor lamb.

Granny went to collect DS last night (exchanged at a motorway services). She said he looked really scared as they pulled in to the carpark, as if he didn't know what was going to happen to him.

BIL wanted to explain stuff to Granny while ds was shut in the car. It all seemed to revolve around ds throwing their Gs's cap into the road while walking thru St. Ives (naughty I accept, but is it a hanging offence?).

Granny gave him 2 minutes, but had to open the car door and give ds a hug, because he looked so unhappy. She told BIL she didn't want to discuss it in front of DS, said thank-you, and took ds's stuff (which theyed hurriedly stuffed in a bin bag ).

On the way back ds told Granny about being lost on the beach. He'd been running down to the sea, when he got to the waters edge he looked round for Auntie, but she wasn't there. He looked for her, and shouted her name for ages, but couldn't find her. A nice lady took him to the lifeguard station, and when he was reunited with auntie she was crying, and so was her friend (they've also taken a single female friend of SILs with them. She is a junior school teacher, tho' coming up to retirement).

It sounds to granny like he was a fair bit scared, and SIL has been cross with him since.

I'm angry with them now, and also angry with BIL for ringing me AT WORK, obviously while he's in the middle of a row with SIL, and making such an awful statement about my son.

Granny says BIL gave DS a big cuddle when he said goodbye.

Granny will try to get ds to rest a bit today (he looked exhausted last night), and take him to the local childrens farm this afternoon.

I keep bursting into tears (even as I type this).

We'll have to see them as soon as they get back, so I can retrieve DS's lovely new blue wheely suitcase, which he's very proud of.

I hope my BIL and SIL feel proud of themselves today!