Can you lot help me with a new strategy for mealtimes because the whole experience is becoming utterly objectionable for all concerned.

[Slubberdegullion]

I can feel my gut twisting up into a ball of tension before every meal time because I know it is all going to be fraught.

Every meal (apart from breakfast) regardless of what I serve is met with a constant stream of moaning, whining, complaints, up and down from the table like a bride's nightie and then finishes with THEM setting goals for themselves

"I'm going to have two more mouthfuls and then it's pudding"

How did it all get so unpleasant? I have obiously made a grave error somewhere along the way. They hate eating and I hate cooking for them and then sitting with them while they protest at how ghastly it all is.

I need to start again I think.

They are 4 and 5. The 4 yo is a fussy bugger, the 5 yo is somewhat better but has her 500m badge in whining.

It's improved beyond recognition mf. The serve yourself strategy has worked wonders here too. dd2 ate broccoli yesterday. This truly is a tremendous thing.

We took them out for lunch today. Prior to this thread I would have been in gut clenching anxiety for a good hour before hand. We has such a nice meal together. Not only was the meal without any tension they are also eating stuff they would NEVER have touched before.

I can't thank the brilliant advisers on this thread enough

[gwyneth paltrow @ oscars]

seriously.

I have been following this thread. Sounds like you have had amazing success!

To sum up, the key points are:

Food in dishes and DCs help themselves to what they want.

No comment on what they are / are not eating

No puddings (except fruit)

If they don't eat, that's it till next meal (except fruit?)

Is that right??

Yes

Thanks moondog

This thread is great. I read recently (guradian i think) about table manners and if for eg dd was slumped over the table you'd say 'ds is sitting up straight' or x is using her fork. Simple comments said without emotion so it is stating a fact rather than praising iyswim. My goodnes it works wonders, especially with my almost 4 yr old dd (not so much with ds (2) but it is starting to have an effect on him as well).

So as soon as i say 'ds is doing x' dd immediately changes her behaviour and says 'i'm sitting nicely too'!!
it means you aren't constantly on at them or over praising the other child either!

Just read the whole thread - the advice on here is great and is what I TRY to do. My resolve has strengthed again now.

Can I ask what you do about foods your DCs don't like (or catergorically say they don't like). Do you just make sure there is something they DO like on the table or is it still an eat it or go hungry approach?

For example, DD doesn't really like anything fishy and can't stand potatos (she gagged on some mash she actually asked to try last night). So,I never cook fish pie anymore, despite the fact DH and I love it. She does like vegetables so should I just cook a fish pie, put it in the middle of the table and accept she will probably just eat the veggies or is this unfair? I have found our meals are becoming more and more limited because I restrict them to what i know DD will eat and whilt she isn't extremely fussy, she is not an "eat anything" child either.

I want to know this too please.

I'm still adjusting to stress free meal times, so far I have been less than daring with the menus.

Another example requiring assistance, alongside the Fish Pie conundrum

Tonight was dd2's choice, spag bol (again). dd1 has got her knickers in a twist about tomatoey sauces.

So I did 3 bowls:
1 of spagetti
1 of bolognese
1 of grated cheese.

dd1 ate spagetti and cheese
dd2 ate spagetti and bolognese.

Everyone was happy, everyone ate, I loved this thread some more.

BUT

Should I not be mixing the sauce up with the spagetti? Am I pandering to fuss-potyness?

They eat just the veggies and some bread to fill up on.

Even better, if there are hard boiled eggs in the pie, they eat the eggs, veggies and bread.

I don't mix the sauce in the pasta if not everyone likes the sauce. DD has yet to try the tomato sauce but one day she'll get bored of pasta with grated cheese and it's just not worth the hassle of mixing it up.

I may be pandering a bit, but we have enough fussing about who got the best plate and anyway, the few things I was forced to eat as a child when I didn't like them still make me gag.

If it involves no extra effort for you to serve up three bowls of food (pasta, sauce, cheese) rather than mixing it, then do it! Why not?

Re the fish pie. dd1 will not eat mince and meat pies. She has always been a bit funny with meat and its textures. I make spaghetti bolognese but serve up her spaghetti with pesto. No skin off my nose. When we all have steak pie, she just has the vegetables, sometimes with beans. Doesn't bother me, she enjoys her meal.

And she's a sensible girl, 13 now, but she knows what she likes and what she really does not want to eat. I don't put myself out (sometimes she makes the tea now and it's great) but I'm not going to maker her eat something she finds horrid.

Thanks otherside and pointy. 3 bowls it is then

I really want to make a fish pie with boiled eggs in now

What a brilliant thread- thanks for starting it Slubberdegullion! I am hoping that if I can put some of this into practice now then I can avoid mealtime struggles later. (DS is only 22 months so a lot of this is yet to come- or not).

What age do you think it a child could start to serve themselves? I don't think DS could manage it yet, but I like the idea and think it's very sensible- goes with the whole BLW, know your own appetite ethos.

OK then, fish pie is back on the menu when we all eat together(although i won't bother with the eggs as DD doesn't like them either!). If she tries it great, if she doesn't then it really isn't a big deal. I won't cook her anything else but will make sure there is plenty of veg and some bread for her to eat.

I don't think 3 bowls is pandering by the way. DD doesn't really like anything "mixed in" so I often end up serving things separately. I don't have a problem with this.

Faintly, I am pretty sure DD was helping herself when she was just 2 to cold things that could be picked up in fingers.

Somewhere along the way to age 4 she got the coordination and skills to help herself to things like rice salad using a serving spoon with most of it ending up on her plate.

I still serve hot food in from hot dishes but DCs get to say how much I put on the plate.

Faintly, as twofalls has said I guess co-ordination is the key, mind you going on the exceedingly large mass of spaghetti that was on the table, chairs, floor, down school uniform and under the plates my two have still got a long way to go.

They LOVE using the clippers though, and now as I am steeped in serenity I just smile and nod (like the Queen)

Have read this entire thread (much to Dh's annoyance as he wanted to look up some sport thing on the internet) and am feeling all inspired to make a change. Am so impressed at your story slubber.

Like so many of you, I have despised mealtimes with the DTs. I adore food myself, can't wait to eat my next meal, struggle not to constantly over eat and be enormous, think alot about what the next meal will be etc etc. It was always the highlight of my day. I was so excited about my kids sharing in lovely meals.... but they don't!!! And it sooooooooo winds me up.

Am now realising this is why they do it (probably, ok maybe not but let me dream a little!!) - to get a reaction not because they hate food and eating.

So, I am v excited about a new regime tomorrow. Just to recap:

• be calm
• food in bowls to help yourself
• BE CALM
• no bargaining/force feeding/pleading/praising
• be calm
• no snacks (eek, mine are only 2.3 so rely alot on snacks!!)
• be calm

Will get the valium ready. Am feeling all inspired. What a great thread!

Great thread, but here's my question. What if you do this for a long period of time, and one of your children still never shows any interest in certain food groups (yes I am talking about vegetables).

Our oldest is super picky, we used to have a lot of struggles but at some point adopted most of the strategies above. We probably cater a bit too much to their tastes (as in the no-fish-pie example above) and we put food on plates, not family bowls (note to self to change that). But there is no drama about who eats what, and no special meals on request. DC1 usually eats something - but it's always in the meat or carb category, a vegetable has never voluntarily passed his lips (ketchup doesn't count). It's probably been two years or so this way.

So do we just keep going and one day he will magically change? [my brother in law has some weird eating phobias as an adult, so I am bit worried about our gene pool]. Or do I bring back some sort of forced trying/eating rules, reintroducing all the drama at mealtimes, which I dread?

Can I just say that I don't even have kids yet, but I heart this thread and want to laminate it and keep it until I do?

. I'm so pleased that the fantastic advice on this thread is helping other people. mn at its best, it really is.

penona, yes that is it. Simple isn't it? Apart from the staying calm, that is quite hard at the start if you (like me) were very entrenched in the nagging/bribing etc. It's getting easier now as there is such a massive reduction in all the moaning and carrying on from the dds.

bookien, I hope someone who has more experience of the super fussy eater can come and answer your question. All I can tell you is that last night I gave the dds chinese chicken and sweetcorn soup for their tea. I was feeling confident and thought 'what the hell, let's try it'.

Hand on heart I can guarantee 3-4 weeks ago (before this thread) not one single molecule of it would have passed either of the dd's lips. It looked pretty weird (all the threads of egg white) and had bits of stuff floating in it, all previously massively hated.

They ate it. They ate lots of it.

Not that I looked like that at the table of course, I had my happy serene face on

I'm going to keep going with every now and then serving something previously refused (but reading the 'They Will Not Starve' poster now stuck on my kitchen cupboard beforehand ).

I can't answer for the experts, but I would think no to going back to enforced eating/rules.

I would probably start the serve yourself in the bowls thing and then when they are used to it cook something with veg in it, and see how you go, but don't get stressed if he doesn't eat it.

ahhh

Well I have just given exactly the same soup to dd2 for lunch and she declared it was disgusting and only had one mouthful.

Contrary child.