Can you lot help me with a new strategy for mealtimes because the whole experience is becoming utterly objectionable for all concerned.

[Slubberdegullion]

I can feel my gut twisting up into a ball of tension before every meal time because I know it is all going to be fraught.

Every meal (apart from breakfast) regardless of what I serve is met with a constant stream of moaning, whining, complaints, up and down from the table like a bride's nightie and then finishes with THEM setting goals for themselves

"I'm going to have two more mouthfuls and then it's pudding"

How did it all get so unpleasant? I have obiously made a grave error somewhere along the way. They hate eating and I hate cooking for them and then sitting with them while they protest at how ghastly it all is.

I need to start again I think.

They are 4 and 5. The 4 yo is a fussy bugger, the 5 yo is somewhat better but has her 500m badge in whining.

[Smithagain]

Definitely pootle in the kitchen while they get on with it. Sitting alongside them while they bicker and whine is a killer if you aren't having your own meal, too. At least if mine are behaving badly, DH and I can blank them out and concentrate on our own conversation!

You have official permission to waft around with G&T, plonk a couple of dishes of reasonably appetising food on the table and let them get on with it.

Eat together at weekends if possible.

[herbgarden]

Interesting this one....DS (3 and a bit) has always been a pretty good eater although he doesn't like surprises but I also wonder sometimes when he says he's full up whether the portions I serve are too big. For example nursery say he eats everything and sometimes has seconds but I'm sure they serve little plate fuls (or maybe they just have nicer food . But, if I serve less will he eat even less ?

I'm starting to find I have to negotiate with him - he starts quite well then begins to wane then we do the "ok you can eat this bit and you're done". I need to watch out otherwise before I know it I'll be in your shoes Slubber.......He always gets fruit and/or yoghurt. But, he never dictates what's for lunch - it's that or nothing. I've never done requests. He'd only ever eat ham sandwiches if he got to choose and if he doesn't eat much lunch he's never allowed anything til next snack time or meal time.

I think walking away/serving up themselves sounds a good deal.......

[Slubberdegullion]

lol that mn has given me the green light to start main-lining spirits at 5pm.

titchy, re choice, no I don't give it to them that often, partly because it dissolves into a battle as they will never agree on the same things, dd2 would ask for green patsa everyday anyway (dd1's most hated meal) and partly because even if I do give them EXACTLY what they want there seems to be relatively little improvement in their behaviour or volume of food eaten.

I can see with the letting them serve themselves strategy they are getting a bit of choice there, with portion sizes etc but I'm still in charge of what is being cooked.

[moondog]

We've just had dinner {six hours ahead] and it was steak, stir fried veg, salad, and chips.
Ds had a dollop of mustard and that was it.
Noone made any comments at all.
The rest of us just tucked in.

[choosyfloosy]

I do it a different way, but agree that the absolutely major key is not to talk about it, in my case NOT to offer choice, to minimise the rules you have but to stick to them. I give ds a very small amount of everything on a small plate, and then he can have as many extra helpings as he wants if he clears that. It is true, though, that when he does help himself to stuff, it sometimes surprises me what he takes.

Do you have a partner? Consult in full. Mine is (IMO) absolutely pants about ds and food, and somehow we can't seem to get on the same page; he will always get ds an enticing snack at bedtime when he moans, which to my mind is just hopeless (to be fair, I will always offer gruel plain bread and water to drink). He also offers far too much choice [bah humbug]

[Slubberdegullion]

lol and eww @ dollop of mustard.

yes, I see I need to be less focused on food going in and concentrate more on being totally breesy about the whole thing and then not cave when the "I'm hungry" nagging commences 20 mins after I have thrown dinner in the bin.

I've just had a little chat with them (and apologised for screeching like a fishwife at lunch) to let them know changes are afoot.

[Slubberdegullion]

choosy, dh is pretty much absent during the week. I agree we will need to present a united front on the weekends though.

[magnummum]

Love this thread - dd1 turned 3 last week has always been great at mealtimes and since arrival of dts 15 weeks ago is really using this as attention seeking time. Watching this with interest...

[GoldenSnitch]

We have a "this is for dinner, eat it or go hungry" stance in our house too.

I cook, it gets served and DS (age 2) either eats it or gets down and goes hungry. I don't get angry, I don't do aeroplanes, I ask nicely a few times then give up. DS has been known to get down (I stay at the table to finish mine) then come back after a few minutes, having obviously decided that actually, he is hungry - and eat the lot! The only time I offer an alternative to dinner is if whatever I served is a totally new thing and it is possible that he truely doesn't like it.

Pudding (which is usually a petit filous) is only given if DS has eaten all or a good amount of his dinner (I allow for not totally clearing plates sometimes as my portions are sometimes on the large side)

It sounds a bit harsh when I write it down but it's one of my MIL's pearls of advice and DH will eat anything!

So far it's working (DS is only 2 though!) and DS will eat pretty much anything that's offered to him. He was eating smoked haddock risotto at her house this weekend!!

[francagoestohollywood]

I can't get over the shock of reazing that victorian sponge cake is not served daily at the slubbers'. !

[francagoestohollywood]

realizing!

[sleepingcat]

DD (age 4.5yrs) gets half an hour for lunch and dinner. Anything not eaten goes in the bin.
At school she gets half an hour for lunch but she is painfully slow at eating and away with the fairies. We try and keep the same timings as school.
If she moans or whinges about what is on her plate then she is a given a choice "dinner or bed". We can ten tell her 'well done, that was the right decision to make' if she chooses dinner. If not, she goes to bed..I don't care if it is 6pm!
We don't ever do pudding and I don't give snacks in the day either unless she is having a meltdown, in that case she gets some ham or apple or frozen peas (yep..her favourite)! Cutting out snacks certainly helped dinner time.
Good luck.

[hercules1]

I dont have any strategies. Don't really praise or use negative comments. Food is given, sometimes all gets eaten, sometimes very little. Very rarely we have anything other than fruit for pudding. It's not called pudding either, just have some fruit afterwards regardless of what's been eaten.

[stealthsquiggle]

Our rules are:

1. Eat it or don't eat it - there is nothing else.

1. Only complete consumption of a reasonable (not huge) portion will get pudding.

We went through a (summer holiday) phase of having 'treats' (choc ices and the like) for pudding - as a result, DD decided that she would demand her preferred ice cream option and decline the pudding on offer. She got nothing, and went to sleep on the table .

FWIW, DS, who is, granted, not a particularly fussy eater at home, eats everything at school because they get praise / good marks for doing so.

[notwavingjustironing]

How do you all do that staying calm thing?

I can feel my blood boiling when they mutinously stare at the meal and don't put anything in their mouths.

[Slubberdegullion]

Franca. Do you know the little sods darlings turn up their noses at my VSC as well.

I really want mine to keep up with their daily fruit and yoghurt (calcium) intake but I think I'll let them eat it either at breakfast, or as the snack when they get in from school. Hopefully by 5.30pm they will have worked up a bit of an appetite and they can either choose to eat dinner or not.

No cajoling, no bribing, no bargaining
(new mantra c/o moony)

I will remain calm and resolute at all times

[Slubberdegullion]

ironing I want to know this too.

Maybe they all crack on with the gin at meal times too?

[moondog]

It honestly doesn't bother me one iota if my kidsdon't eat. Like Isaid on another thread, if we let them regulate themselves then we might end up with fewer adults with weight problems.

My dh {who isn't fat} just can't not clear his plate. Says it's alegacy of his 70s childhood and doting mother who stuffed them at every meal.
I don't want my kids to feel like that.

[notwavingjustironing]

I've tried that. But you don't get much done in the afternoon when you've tanked down half a bottle of pinot in the vain attempt to get 2 small children to eat spaghetti bolognaise

[cockles]

Can you eat a bit with them? at least sometimes and feed DH the leftovers later? And try not to talk about the food at all, or what they are eating, for a few days at least. Mine eats everything at nursery because no-one comments, and everyone else is eating. I compromise with some meals I know he will eat (pasta) and some I know he won't want to try. I bribe with pudding (which is fruit and weetabix usually!) too, it's very bad isn't it.

[stealthsquiggle]

I think the key is more in the "walk away" approach than the gin (although it cannot be denied that gin helps).

I cannot pretend that mealtimes are calm and ordered when we all eat together as DH and I seem to be constantly trying to get one or other DC to eat in a more civilised manner, but if I am just feeding them on their own then I often adopt a head in the sand more relaxed approach and just potter around the kitchen attempting to restore some order whilst they eat.

[notwavingjustironing]

I agree Moondog. I honestly wish I didn't care!

[hercules1]

That's exactly how I feel, moondog too. I really want dd to be able to regulate herself without feeling obliged to eat up more. As an adult I also assume if I have a plate of food then it's all to be eaten. Find it nigh on impossible to just leave it when I've had enough.
Dd can really take it or leave it be it sweet stuff or savoury. She has bags of energy and is very healthy.

[hercules1]

What I mean is, it's because I do care iyswim!

[GoldenSnitch]

You don't have to be calm, just appear calm.

It's not always easy (and sometimes not at all possible) but just keep repeating in your head "they will not starve, they will not starve" then get on with yours or leave the room.

I find giving myself a time out now and again helps immensley