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Original poster

Can you lot help me with a new strategy for mealtimes because the whole experience is becoming utterly objectionable for all concerned.

233 replies

Slubberdegullion · 24/08/2009 13:00

I can feel my gut twisting up into a ball of tension before every meal time because I know it is all going to be fraught.

Every meal (apart from breakfast) regardless of what I serve is met with a constant stream of moaning, whining, complaints, up and down from the table like a bride's nightie and then finishes with THEM setting goals for themselves

"I'm going to have two more mouthfuls and then it's pudding"

How did it all get so unpleasant? I have obiously made a grave error somewhere along the way. They hate eating and I hate cooking for them and then sitting with them while they protest at how ghastly it all is.

I need to start again I think.

They are 4 and 5. The 4 yo is a fussy bugger, the 5 yo is somewhat better but has her 500m badge in whining.

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mrshibbins · 03/09/2009 18:08

Just come in the office for a private cry.

Tonight's meal with attention and melodrama queen DD 8 was truly awful. So, the attention has been taken away from her with OH and I no longer pleading with her to eat.

So she has hijacked the attention back onto herself during supper tonight by being so rude and hostile and unpleasant (rolling eyes, sarcasm, speaking in to us using brattish and unpleasant language, gagging on food) for no discernible reason apart from being asked a) what interesting things she did at her first day back at school today b) not to interrupt when her father was talking and b) to use her knife and fork properly and to take her elbows off the table.

When told off for her unpleasant attitude she just sat with folded arms refusing to answer and looking absolute narrowed eyes hateful daggers at us.

I've told her what a truly miserable experience it is eating a meal with her at the moment and told her that after tonight, she will be eating on her own until she can learn some manners.

I feel that I just can't stand another second in her company tonight so I have come into the office, shut the door, and had a small cry.

Apart from this I truly just do not know what to do with her right now ...

Othersideofthechannel · 03/09/2009 20:00

Could it be one of those back to school things?
She has been on her best behaviour all day and is now taking it out on you?
Or has picked up "attitude" from her friends?

slowreadingprogress · 03/09/2009 20:06

i think you're picking at her too much. elbows on table, using knife and fork properly - really, I wouldn't sweat this stuff. So long as you and DH role model how adults do this stuff, she will be clever enough to pick it up. She won't be like this when she's 18 because we get very socially conscious as we get older.

If mealtimes can be a minefield, I think you want to clear the field of as many trip-wires as poss

re interrupting her father, yes that's rude.

KTP · 04/09/2009 06:11

Hi, I've been a lurker on this thread, but just wanted to come on and say a big thanks to everyone's great contributions. I have printed off the best messages, and the last two night's suppers have been 80% better than usual.

My story is a son who doesn't eat 'meal food'. This has gone on since before he was 2. He is now 8 1/2. Gulp, that's a long, long, long time to have been trying to get him to eat. Over the years, I have got angry, sad, have given up, felt guilty, you name it - all the emotions. I hate cooking for the family. Despite many a strategy over the years, nothing has worked. My DD, who is 5, eats three times as much as him. I cannot understand how he functions to be honest.

So - the last two nights. I served up dinner in bowls/on plates. They helped themselves. We made no comment on what was or wasn't eaten. Good manners, and no whining are the only things I will mention. We had great conversation. My stress levels are way way down. THANKS A MILLION

CheerfulYank · 04/09/2009 06:23

I'm so happy for you KTP!

Hang in there, everyone, because otherwise you'll have DC like my little cousin. She'll be 4 this fall and eats plain pasta, chicken fingers, and baby food. Yes, baby food, because her mother is terrified that she won't get enough fruit/veggies. She's a smart kiddo, too, and she just sits there like a little queen with a smug little grin as her parents beg her to eat. Drives. Me. BONKERS! I'm sorry to be such a judgy pants, but we just came from a party with them. UGH!

Original poster
Slubberdegullion · 04/09/2009 13:08

sorry just have come back to this

mrshibbins sorry to hear you are having a difficult time of it atm (I use 'difficult' with a , I'm sure there are other words you would care to use).

How have things been over the past few days?

I think you just have to keep at it. Your dd has 4 years on mine, so that is a fair bit longer to develop the best methods to press all your buttons. Keep thinking that by not rising you are taking all the wind out of her sails. There can't be a battle if you refuse to participate.

I'd keep up with bowls on the table, serve yourself and ignore the small stuff. I bet she is fart arsing about with her cutlery, putting her elbows on the table and interrupting just to get a rise out of you.

Stay Strong

KTP that is brilliant. I am so pleased for you.

OP posts:
Miggsie · 04/09/2009 15:13

Oh MrsHibbins, my DD has a friend who does exactly this (coming soon...the Miggsie book of "fussy eaters I have managed not to strangle"...printed by Insane Press)....she makes rude remarks, talks rubbish, says her arms will break if she lifts her fork...wants you to feed her.

Anyway, I found the best thing was to serve the children their meal and then walk off and keep busy in the kitchen. She kept trying to call me back with spurious "I need to tell you something" type stuff and I just made non committal remarks and did not engage.

I told her mum about this (as she was driving her mum round the bend) and now the strategy is serve the food, retreat if with friends. OR: serve the food, eat food ignoring the remarks. Clear it away without comment. When she made silly remarks I'd say "I am not talking to someone talking rubbish" and then she asked why I wasn't speaking to her and I said "you haven't said anything worth replying to".

I also noticed she did what her dad said rather than her mum. So he got to supervise meal times but any poor behaviour, he walked off.
She was definitely in one of those "any attention is good attention" phases so even them screaming at her was a result as far as she was concerned. And being sent to the naughty step was practically a badge of honour.
Anyway, the ignoring thing and only responding to sensible remarks does appear to be working, last time she was round here she ate up without a single silly comment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mrshibbins · 04/09/2009 15:14

you are so right slubberdegullion, it's a battle of wills and she's doing everything she can to get us to react.

SHE WILL SHE WILL SHE WILL BE TAKEN NOTICE OF

OH has just gone to pick her up from school. I'm so not looking forward to her homecoming today. I'm really tired of it all.

She'll be eating supper separately from us today, on her own, at 5pm, as I promised last night. I won't even look at how she is sitting or what she is doing with her knife and fork. I will not comment on what she has eaten or whether she has drunk anything. I will take no notice at all. I will busy myself in another room.

We will eat later, after she has gone to bed and I won't, for once, get indigestion and a headache during the meal....

moondog · 04/09/2009 15:19

Slubber, really glad it is working for you and everyone else.

Re kids moaning and ruining it, my tactic is to send them off calmly and say 'I'm enjoying my dinner, and i don't want you to ruin it.Go away.'

I repeat that in calm tone. If there is one thing kids hate it is not having attention paid to them. Very powerful strategy if you stick to it.

Slubber, my dh and I are fond of long evenings at the table chatting over glasses of wine so I don't expect my kids to stay for that length of time. As long as they ask nicely to leave the table, they can go.

Original poster
Slubberdegullion · 04/09/2009 15:47

oh mrshibbins, she really is testing you isn't she? grr on your behalf. As moony says the ignoring bad behaviour is really powerful, so long as you don't cave.

Hope you have a pleasant meal tonight

OP posts:
moondog · 04/09/2009 15:54

so long as you don't cave
so long as you don't cave
so long as you don't cave
so long as you don't cave
so long as you don't cave
so long as you don't cave

Exactly. This is the most important bit of all. It's actually really the only thing that matters.

mrshibbins · 04/09/2009 16:36

Miggsie / Moondog / Slubber

That is exactly what my tactic will be now, especially now she is back at school and hungry earlier in the day. She will have her meal at 5pm, solo. She will not have any opportunity to get a rise out of us. When we eat together at weekends and family meals, we shall see how she behaves. If she does not behave, she will be calmly sent away from the table. NB how do you calmly send her off without this being attention being paid.??

I am so sick of having an eight year old looking at me while I eat as if I was some kind of despicable low life ...

I'll try anything. Anything...

moondog · 04/09/2009 16:39

Send her off, don't respond to her moans, don't look at her.
Just repeat plesantly.
'I'm having a nice meal.I don't want you to spoil it. Go away '

mrshibbins · 04/09/2009 16:43

Ha! a reprieve - for all of us - she is round her little friend's house for supper. Am girding myself for the weekend - I may have lost the battle (and temporarily the plot) but I WILL WIN THE WAR

Original poster
Slubberdegullion · 04/09/2009 16:44

I think giving yourself a night off from her tonight sounds like a good idea (you sound like a woman on the edge mate ).

Long term though you should aim to at least be in the same room as her some of the time so, if the opportunity arises, you can give some positive attention to her.

As she's 8 I'm sure she'll be able to grasp the notion that if she persists in being unpleasant and rude she will have to eat alone (or at least in a room where her mother is present but steadfastly ignoring her). The flipside is that so long as she is behaving in a civilised fashion (but not necessarily eating the food...therein lie the rub) you will sit with her and chat and a NICE TIME will be had.

Eating on your own is a really miserable experience .

OP posts:
moondog · 04/09/2009 16:44

But, joking aside, don't view it as a battle as its not. The key issue is that you have a pleasant meal, not that your child eats.

If they are hungry, they will leat.
Concentrate on yourself, not them.

morningpaper · 04/09/2009 16:49

look this is a Nice Sensible thread

would anyone might if I chewed it up and spat it out again?

I've got about ten minutes as per usual

colditz · 04/09/2009 16:49

Mrshibins

If she starts gobbing off again, take her plate away and give her one last chance to lose the attitude or lose her meal

moondog · 04/09/2009 16:50

I wouldn't personallt bargain with food. I#d just send her away.

mrshibbins · 04/09/2009 16:51

re the positive attention - this is how totally stoooopid the whole thing is!!!!

we gathered fruit together (wild plums) on the way home from school, then she helped me pit them all to put in a plum and apple crumble (I offered her to do the crumble mix but she refused because she doesn't like it clagging up her fingers) SHE WATCHED ME MAKE IT AND WE HAD A LOVELY TIME

BUT THEN when it came to dinner time, she pushed the filling around her bowl, mashed it all into the custard, sneered her lips up and said 'eeeurrr what's this' at a bit of apple on her spoon. "Apple" I said brightly. She finally ate a little with the same sneer and some horrid lip smacking, then announced she didn't like it ...

It was, by the way, delicious, if I say so myself. OH finished hers ...

pass me the valium please [manic laughter]

moondog · 04/09/2009 16:53

She likes the response you give her to this behaviour. She's like a cat toyig with a mouse.
Don't give her what she wants.

Whip it away, saying

'Great! More for us!'

Original poster
Slubberdegullion · 04/09/2009 17:36

The fact that you had a lovely time making it gave her even more emotional weaponry when she flung it back in your face.

She is really going for it trying to get a rise out of. She thinks it's a battle but you know different .

MP I have no objections

OP posts:
mrshibbins · 04/09/2009 18:12

and relax ... oooh look at the time - it's friday and it's WINE O'CLOCK

millenniumfalcon · 05/09/2009 18:15

haven't followed the later part of this thread (hope it's improving slubber) but wanted to thank whoever suggested having dishes in the middle of the table for helping themselves. using this strategy my increasingly fussy 6 year old has tried (spicy!) onion bhajees and fennel today, neither of which she'd normally give even half a chance. shame about the fennel though, i love the stuff and only had enough for the adults. still, for the greater good and all that...

moondog · 05/09/2009 18:17

I think being in control of what you eat is personally a resonable premise. I would be really pissed off if someone put food o a plate and gave it to me. The pleasure is in deciding how much/little i have of everything.

I was brought up like this and it's the way I bring my kids up.