Can you lot help me with a new strategy for mealtimes because the whole experience is becoming utterly objectionable for all concerned.

[Slubberdegullion]

I can feel my gut twisting up into a ball of tension before every meal time because I know it is all going to be fraught.

Every meal (apart from breakfast) regardless of what I serve is met with a constant stream of moaning, whining, complaints, up and down from the table like a bride's nightie and then finishes with THEM setting goals for themselves

"I'm going to have two more mouthfuls and then it's pudding"

How did it all get so unpleasant? I have obiously made a grave error somewhere along the way. They hate eating and I hate cooking for them and then sitting with them while they protest at how ghastly it all is.

I need to start again I think.

They are 4 and 5. The 4 yo is a fussy bugger, the 5 yo is somewhat better but has her 500m badge in whining.

Maybe I should just move out of the house, live in the tent and cook on the camping gaz stove. We didn't have any food battles while we were away. Honestly I am such a plonker.

I was a bit squiffy quite alot on holiday too though

Slubber I truly feel your pain. My ds is nearly 3, and he has always been a crap eater. I have decided after reading this thread to go for the hardline approach, not normally my style, but like you I am so fed up of chucking food, getting horrifically stressed over meals, etc etc.

Tonight I cooked beefburger (judge not, 'twas homemade), carrots, roasted pepper, jacket spud. Ds ate half the carrots, in tomato sauce, then demanded chocolate mousse which he knows is in the fridge (weekend treat). I said not unless he ate his dinner. Screams. I left him to it for a while and came back to find sauce finger painted EVERYWHERE. Just about kept calm, removed plate, then ten minutes later "I'm HUUUUUNGRY".

God, it gets me every time. I didn't give in though, just told him heshould have eaten his dinner.

Bet he wakes up at crap o'clock. Jeez he wakes up at crap o'clock anyway.

Anyway hope your New Deal pays dividends.

Oh well done slubbers, and without the gin!

Oh good on you lankyalto.

fwiw I'm trying not to think of it as the hard line approach, more the I'm not going to get furious approach. I know there are going to be HUGE battles ahead of me (the pudding as bribe method is so deeply ingrained) but I'm just going to keep thinking that me not getting white hot with rage is surely a thousand times better than them having the occasional paddy and going hungry for a bit.

I have printed out the moony mantra and stuck it up on the kitchen cupboard. Dh has been filled in on the new approach too.

Keep posting here to let us know how you are getting on too

Will do.

He went to bed with some milk, I didn't think it was good to take that away from him..

Yes, I get furious, I flounce about, I cajole, I threaten, I bribe. All of which I swore blind I was NEVER going to do, when I was pg. Such naivety then. Mind you I never did say I'll have a baby who sleeps, and jolly good job too (cos he didn't, doesn't)

good luck with tomorrow's Food Fun.

I agree with moondog. i don't force and don't make a fuss, but make it clear that if the plate is not clear (and I never over stack the food) there is no pudding (usually just a yoghurt unless it's a special occasion) and definitely NO biscuits or sweets. I don't enourage very much talking, as mine given half the chance will talk so much that she can't get any food in her mouth. ... I also make it clear that there are NO snacks except a bit of fruit or two until the next meal. Them's the rules.

I take a great deal of pride in my cooking, and know that I am providing tasty, healthy balanced meals. BUT given half the chance she will whinge and whine and moan about having to eat something that last week was her FAVOURITE. She will pull awful faces, say she feels sick to eat it, even pretends to retch, the whole range of reactions. I just take no notice.

Actually, that's not entirely correct, after extended whinging and saying how disgusting her meal is she sometimes she does manage to get a rise out of me and gets sent to her room without finishing her meal ... and then she has to go hungry until next time.

It's a power game in which children excel. But which you must win.

I wouldn't distinguish between main meal and pudding, as long as the puddings aren't particularly puddingy. So, they eat what they want of the main meal plus a yoghurt plus fruit.

Is there a list of meals/foods which everyone likes? Then at least you could have a few failsafe, stress-free meals. Maybe their tastes aren't as limited as you think.

Or - keep the plateful that was rejected. If they come back whining about being hungry, whap it in the microwave and re-serve.

That'll put a stop to it pretty quickly.

Speaks as one who was once on the receiving end of cold roasted squash three times over as a child.

I'd be much more easy oasy about that sort of thing. Don;t serve it up to them again, only likely to aggravate matters. I'd quietly offer bread and butter, yoghurt or fruit.Somehting they can get themselves.

I am like a broken record on threads like this. First I quote my wise mother - "It's a parent's job to provide regular appetising meals. It is not a parent's job to make anyone eat them"

Serve meals at a regular time. St down together to eat. You eat yours, then clear the plates. Make absolutely no comment at all on what has or hasn't been eaten. Serve yoghurt and fruit or cheese and biscuits as pudding. Eat yours, then clear places. End of meal. Never make any comment at all on what has been eaten by anyone. Remember that a healthy child won't starve, and a child that's pooing and peeing, and has loads of energy is getting enough food from somewhere.

Make sure there is fruit but nothing else available between meals.

Oh, and come down hard on rudeness and discourtesy to you or siblings at the table. Insist on silence if they can't talk nicely.

End of Seeker's Boot Camp Rules!

I used the same rules as seeker. I got to it through trial and error-it was the only thing that worked. Don't start a battle you can't win.The only way with food is not to make a battle and not to even make it an issue, certainly don't give it attention. I don't think that witholding pudding is a good idea-it gives the wrong messages about 'good' food and 'bad' food.
I serve up a portion of the main part and put all veg and extras in bowls to help themselves. Eating with them is a big plus, it gives a role model.Do not get involved in discussion about it, pay no attention to whinging, ignore and change the subject. Clear away with out comment, if they have eaten it never say 'good boy' just treat it is normal.
Never give snacks other than fruit. Don't enter discussion, if they say they are hungry, just tell them in a matter of fact way that they missed the last meal and they will have to wait until the next-change the subject. Repeat if necessary.
It works-my teenagers eat perfectly normally after a very poor beginning and they very often choose not to have a pudding at all.

Hats off to you seeker for being able to do that. My problem is staying calm at the hand flying to protect the mouth from the disgusting food that was wolfed down last week! But I have successfully tried the walk-away method which works fine (until I see the aftermath all over the floor/table/baby sister)!

Thanks again for all the replies. I can see where I have been going wrong, I am quite unable to keep silent and calm when good food is being rejected. I am going to have to practice very hard at keeping my mouth shut and appearing not to care, and then of course not caving at the first sign of "I'm huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungry".

seeker and pisces I would love us all to eat dinner together during the week but it it just not practicable (dh getting in after 8pm most nights) and tbh I prefer sitting down and eating with him than with the DC, not the best example I know but I can't eat 2 dinners a day (well I can but therin lies the path to giganticness). I eat lunch with the girls and we all eat together at the w/e.

Eating together is the ideal, but we couldn't manage it in the week, DH was home too late. You can still do the rest.

'First I quote my wise mother - "It's a parent's job to provide regular appetising meals. It is not a parent's job to make anyone eat them"

The best advice was seekers above. You have to take emotion out of it. It isn't easy because a mother is programmed to feed her DC, survival depends on it!
DCs pick up on this. Years ago I took DCs away on a residential weekend. It was enjoyable but hard work because we had to cook for ourselves. I was young and single, I generally cooked for one, I had never cooked for more than 5 , and yet suddenly I was responsible for cooking for 24! After a full day of activities I set to, with the help of some DCs.When I came to serve it up quite a few said 'I don't like that'! I couldn't actually have cared less by that point -I had done my duty and cooked it-(they weren't going to starve, it was only for a weekend). It was fairly obvious from my tone, when I said 'OK but there is nothing else-take it or leave it' , that I was speaking the truth. They all said they would have a little-and they all came back for seconds!
Take the emotion out of it at home and you will have the same result -it isn't as easy-I do care very much what my DCs eat.
If you take them out for a long walk before you serve a meal you may find they are more likely to eat!

Yes, you are quite right pisces. Both dds have had weight issues (when they were tiny) and somehow I have carried on with my angst that they are going to fade away to nothing without their mother constantly badgering them.

I will desist

Fresh air does improve their appetites too, another reason why I don't have battles when we go camping. hmm, yes, I see quite a few "I need to go to the post box" walks coming up before they start school again.

Great thread Slubber!

A glass of Pimms has helped me get through this recently! go with the G&T!

As we were at the supermarket yesterday I asked the boys (7&4) what they would like to eat for dinner as DH and I were having a salad.

DS1 chose a grilled courgette and crabstick salad! and ds2 chose hummus and breadsticks, prawn salad and cherry tomatoes.

We all ate together and basically ate the same and we didnt nag too much.

After this thread though I am going to instigate some changes for our mealtimes esp the pudding part and the serve yourself part.

I'm off to the supermarket now with that plan Gossip. Very impressed with grilled courgette and crabstick salad choice there.

Both the dds have chosen their meal for the week (Roast hen dd1 and spag bol dd2).

I've just c&p'd seeker's mother's wise words (blown them up too and put them on landscape page lay out with a border and everything ) to go up next to moony's mantra on the kitchen cupboards.

hiya, what seems to work with kiddies ive worked with (im a nanny) is leaving them to it...takes a few days sometimes but if i serve up dinner then go and do the wasing up or even sit in the hallway even so i can still keep an eye on them...but if they dont have someone hovering over them it seems to help

also putting small amounts of each food in bowls then let them serve themselves seems to help...if they take a single pea out of the bowl and eat it...well thats one more then they wldve eaten befor etc

also getting them involved in cooking it or seving a meal that they have to pass things and make up themselves is good e.g. pitta bread, chopped cucumber, carrots, ham, sausages (sliced), yogurt or humous etc...obvi do your own variation but this gives them a bigger selection of things to choose

sit down with them at the beggining of the week and all choose what they will have for dinner- let them choose a meal each, then the other 5 days you all choose together, putting the meals they choose at the end of the week is an incentive to try the ones you chose

keep at it...you havent done anything wrong along the way...some kids just do this!...be strong!!!!!!!

2ndcoming, we all have breakfast together, and I eat lunch with the girls during the holidays. I'm afraid I will just have to compromise on the eating dinner with them in the weekday evenings. I also have a responsibility to my marriage and I cannot expect dh to come home from work and eat his dinner all by himself while I sit there and watch him...not much fun for either of us.

I'm a bit of a stickler for manners (but may have to relax everything atm to get the appropriate 'happy eating' atmosphere I'm after), but I'm sure I can maintain some sort of order from my wafting in a state of serene calm about the kitchen position

woops sorry just read the post and ive just repeated what most people have said...sorry!

It's good to read it several times milk