support thread for people with a baby and toddler finding it tough and not believing that there might be light at the end of the tunnel!!

[exasperatedmum]

I've posted numerous times before bemoaning the fact that my now nearly 3 year old dd is spirited/wilful/challenging etc etc, and drives me to distraction. Am on an emotional roller-coaster every day, and am shattered as 5 month old obviously not sleeping through, and bf every three hours. Every time I post I get a cluster of 'know how you feel' posts but no solutions as there are none, I know!! So I wondered if there is anyone else out there who feels like me, and whether we could sort of help each other through, because believe me there are days when I think I'm not going to make it!! I keep telling myself "She's only two" and "I'm in charge" but feel like I'm being run rings around. Can't decide if my expectations are too high, and I'm just turning into a witch of a Mum, or if I'm trying hard to have boundaries and be firm with a very non-compliant toddler. Baby has reflux so that isn't helping my general mood. I always thought I'd love parenthood, but honestly I find it the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, and would love to have just a teeny tiny break to revive my flagging spirits... but no chance. Anyone out there?!

Oh yeah, and I am also going to let DS2 loose on the floor around the books and if he eats some of DS1's books, then so be it

Ceebee - I have the same problem, there's usually at least one of them up through the night (a few nights ago it was all 3!!) so I function on little sleep too.

It is interesting what Meglet said tho and I think it is a really important point - to lower your expectations generally and just be happy with the stuff you do get done. But that's easier said than done when there is a constant list as long as your arm and you feel your being as productive as shoveling the path in a blizzard....

hello lovely people...

thanks for the invite WFH
DD1 aged 3.9, DD2 aged 4 months. Snappy mummy syndrome here too!

As mentioned in earlier post, have had a couple of days just with DS (5mo) while DD (3) stays with my parents (hallelujah!). Isn't it just sods law though that, whilst I was expecting my mum to finally understand what hard work DD is, apparently she has been an angel and slept until 9AM this morning. She has NEVER slept until 9am before!
AIBU to wish that my mum had had a slightly rougher time with DD? This will just reinforce the fact that, although she never says it out loud, she makes it clear that I make a fuss about nothing re. looking after a wilful toddler, as well as a baby?

Slickbird, I'm with you on struggling to lift them... My 5 month old is also heavy (not fat!) - has been above 98th centile since birth, and as he's not supporting himself yet it is like lifting a dead weight. Have to keep him upright lots for his reflux, and my back just feels permanently done in. I think I need a couple of weeks with no lifting to get it sorted!

Am waiting and waiting for that book to arrive, I've pinned all my hopes on it (always a good idea!!) to rescue me from this tunnel... although I'm so reassured to hear people with older children say that there is some light at the end of it. Thanks Hecates - it really does help to hear from someone who can relate to this, but can report from the other side that it does get better!

Ds slept slightly better last night so have not been quite so snappy today, and we've had a lovely morning with some friends visiting, so could even feel like a normal person! Ds just waking from a nap, so I'll get on my way. Catch you all later!

Hello. I'll join too please. Just reading these posts has made me feel better.I have a 7 month old and 2 year old and yesterday convinced myself I had postnatal depression. Then got a whole blissful 5 hours unbroken sleep last night and realised today I wasn't depressed...just tired!

Funnily enough I'm a much better mum today but it's saying something when I count 5 hours as a great nights sleep and I only got it by putting my foot down and demanding i slept on the sofa and DH dealt with the baby giving her formula rather than me feeding her in the night(it would have been 9 hours sleep if he hadn't slept through her crying TWICE and I had to go and wake him...)

It's so heartening to read all these posts and realise you're not alone! And some of you have much smaller age gap than I do - dd1 3.6 and dd2 17 months. I do feel that I have at least got beyond the total exhaustion stage that is having a tiny baby and doing all the night feeds and then getting up with the toddler, but of course there are other stages instead. I just hate being shouty mummy and wish she would go away some days. I feel so sorry for dd2 a lot of the time as she just doesn't get quality mummy like her older sister did when there was just the one (ah, heady days ...).

So yes, the guilt thing is terrible, but at the end of the day, we ARE doing a good job, they're fed and clothed and generally happy, aren't they?! But good thread, exasperatedmum, I feel better already just having read posts, altho of course v quickly as just not enough time to read it carefully! Back to the fray ...

Can I join in ? Mine are 2 and a half years apart.

Now they are 6 and 8, but the difficulty of the early bit is burned on my brain. Sooooooo tired - I sometimes think I would have been a completely different mother to my DS1 if I hadn't been so tired when he was a toddler. Some days I just wanted to walk out the door and not come back. Life just seemed like non-stop toddler-taming for a couple of years.

But. I want to say that it does all come good, and this will be a distant memory. I am now very glad I had mine relatively close together. We are a closely-bonded family.

Things that helped me ;

Insist on time to yourself at the weekends, if you have a partner

Playgroup for the older one

When things were bad and i needed to see a counsellor, I had to arrange for DS2 to have a CM half a day a week. This, as much as the counselling, saved my life

Don't try and be perfect, just concentrate on being Good Enough

Can I join? I have a DS who is 20 months and I have a 4 week DD.
Life is hard. My DS just wants to batter my poor DD at every opportunity, my DD only just going 3 hourly feeds thru the night (guarantee it will go back to 2 hourly now ive put that). 3 hrs have been bliss. but im still snappy with my poor DS and yes yesterday when he wouldnt settle for his nap I went to the bathroom and screamed out in dispair. A few seconds of feeling better due to the release of pent up energy, before the guilt set in cos I scared DS.
To be honest I didnt know whether to laugh, scream or cry.

Its nice to hear other peoples experiences.

(what posessed me to look at this thread...DS is 16 months and I'm 26 weeks pg....OH SHIT!)

Can I join in - DD1 3.8 with SN, DD2 just turned 2 and DD3 4 months.
DD1 more like her 2 year old sister in development, so like twins and a baby. Shattered the whole time, to be honest.

Fully recommend Homestart to anyone - we have a lovely volunteer who comes for 2 hours per week and plays with DDs 1&2 to give me a break.

I am on a couple of other threads but would love to join you all as you seem so lovely.

I have 3DCs, 3.3, 2.0 and 8 months and I am pg (due Feb). I find it all so overwhelming sometimes. They watch far too much CBeebies, which I feel bad about and I try not to loose my temper but do sometimes. I feel so guilty that none of them get quality time and we don't go out much because it is so tiring.

But as a few people have said. It will get easier and if it helps for people just having the 2 my 2 older ones do play together and amuse themselves quite a bit now (between fights!).

Turtle - don't panic. It isn't all bad honest. It is hard work, no two ways, but honestly, I can see the advantages of having them close together - esp as I had one on her own for 6.5 years and she demanded all the attention from us. Now that there are more of us, there are more people to play with and at times, that can make such a difference.

I have also felt like walking out on the whole shooting match tho like screaming said!

Exasperated I think you have my son in a parallel universe! He too has always followed the 98th centile and is just a bruser - but gorgeous with it.

Well I tried to change things tonight and make tea earlier to avoid the screaming rages from DD2, but all that happened was, she didn't really eat her tea (odd for her) and then screamed the house down for a full two hours after. What was the point in that. Back to normal tomorrow then. At least that should will be an hour less of me her screaming.

Welcome to all the new arrivals

I am holding all hopes of the days when DS2 is old enough to play with DS1 and keep him occupied - not really sure when this is so it is a vague timescale - am thinking maybe when DS2 about 14-15 months old?? So that would be about Christmas time......

Well today started at 4.30 with DS leg banging in his cot (another story). Got up to feed him and we kinda dozed for another hour before DD decided to make an early appearance.

Anyway bad mother that I am thought Nick Jnr would help her nod off again (in our bed) but to no avail. Needless to say was in tears by 8.30 as DS was now over-stimulated and wouldn't nod off.

Anyway the day got better and to be honest he has been an absolute treasure all day - aside from the last hour before bedtime. Screamed all the way through their bath, all the way through his last bottle but hey - both were fast asleep by 8, DP has brought home an Indian takeaway and I am now on my second glass of vino. Result!!

Roll on 4.30 tomorrow morning.......

Hello so many new people, sorry I can't possibly remember all the names although as I was reading I thought - nice point must reply to it/thank poster
to 11kids
[heart] to whoever said it improved when the baby was 9mo
Hugs to everyone who felt like I did last night

We had such a lovely moment this evening - they were both sitting on the settee watching charlie and lola before bathtime and DD kept pulling DSs Tshirt and laughing at him - I've never seen her (9mo yesterday) so clearly trying to communicate and play with him! So gorgeous. [lump in throat]
Shame he was concentrating on TV and kept twitching his shoulder away!

Hard to remember when she's fighting going to sleep cos she'd rather be coddled than settle herself which she is perfectly capable of doing

Room sharing - overnight isn't too bad but settling them can be a pain if one of them is feeling that way out. We started the morning at 540 today as he was dirty and woke her and I couldn't see the point of making them go back to bed for 5 mins after I'd changed him (I try not to allow morning before 6am!)

Yorky- my eldest 2 share a room (they are 3.3 and 2.0) and I completely sympathise with the settling thing. Once they are asleep it's fine but the number of times I have to go and mediate/ calm things down before they go to sllep! And as you say, once one is awake so is the other one. Not sure there is a lot we can do. Have thought about not letting 2 year old sllep in the day but then the afternoon is hell!

If anyone has any good advice I am all eyes!

Just a quick hello.

Will catch up with thread this eve when DH home.

I have had a busy couple of days doing who knows what

Thought I would take the "easy" option of having a walk around town yesterday afternoon, staying in drives me and DS mad and we argue with each other (yes a grown woman arguing with a 20month old - it happens)

Anyway, got to the t mobile shop as i need to get mine fixed and DS thought it was funny to start screeching at the top of his lungs, the whole shop was filled with this high pitch screech that DS kept doing and it was getting louder and louder. I was mortified, the more i tried to shut him up the worst he got, i actually felt like crying cos i couldnt "control" him. What made it all so worst is the looks I was getting from EVERYONE. Needless to say my phone didnt get fixed and i doubt it will now unless i pluck up the courage to go back in there.

Littlejo- if it's any consolation my 23 month old has moments when she just screams. Yesterday (luckily at home) she had a major tantrum and I shut her in the kitchen while I fed DC3. When she had calmed down I put her to bed (thought it was the best place and made me regain what little sanity I have left!).

Hello there, may I join in? DD1 (2.5) is at nursery most of the time so feel like I am a bit of a cheat but Fridays and bedtimes are hell challenging! DD1 is 4 months today.

22 months between my two

they are now nearly 5 and nearly 7

first few months were foul, then got better

2yrs and 4 yrs were a bit iffy (fighting and whining iirc)

they now play like angels (most of the time)

it
does
get
better

you will stop being so tired, they will play together, you will get past all the baby crap and stuff you need to carry around.

You will go to Tescos and just grab some crisps as a bribe instead of thinking OH FFS SHE NEEDS A FEED AND SHE NEEDS A PEE

there ARE benefits to having them close together even if you don't see it now

like all things with children...it...will..pass..

Hecates, thanks for your post - I was reading this out of interest cos expecting DS2 in October and will have 16 mths between them (not planned that way! ). I was really looking forward to it, but now I'm not so sure .

I don't even have the joy of nursery cos DS1 is a long way off qualifying for his free place and our budget won't stretch to childcare for him much beyond Christmas.

Help!

Realised I missed lots of other positive posts too from others with older children - good to know the exhaustion doesn't last.

Maybe I'll go back to work f/t while the kids are young - would that be easier?

Can I join too - so good to read this thread and realise I am not the only one finding things tough.

Have a nearly 4 month old and a 2.5 yr DD. Am shattered, grumpy, had a terrible week (bug) and in danger of wishing DS babyhood away. Really hoping for something to give so life gets a little easier.

Considering stopping bf at the moment as wondering if that will make life easier but feel guilty as bf DD for 8 months - too tired to make a rational decision.