support thread for people with a baby and toddler finding it tough and not believing that there might be light at the end of the tunnel!!

[exasperatedmum]

I've posted numerous times before bemoaning the fact that my now nearly 3 year old dd is spirited/wilful/challenging etc etc, and drives me to distraction. Am on an emotional roller-coaster every day, and am shattered as 5 month old obviously not sleeping through, and bf every three hours. Every time I post I get a cluster of 'know how you feel' posts but no solutions as there are none, I know!! So I wondered if there is anyone else out there who feels like me, and whether we could sort of help each other through, because believe me there are days when I think I'm not going to make it!! I keep telling myself "She's only two" and "I'm in charge" but feel like I'm being run rings around. Can't decide if my expectations are too high, and I'm just turning into a witch of a Mum, or if I'm trying hard to have boundaries and be firm with a very non-compliant toddler. Baby has reflux so that isn't helping my general mood. I always thought I'd love parenthood, but honestly I find it the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, and would love to have just a teeny tiny break to revive my flagging spirits... but no chance. Anyone out there?!

The boys were at nursery until 3pm today so I managed to get the house blitzed, dogs to vets for annual jabs and went to the hairdressers for a trim and colour. Bliss

DS2 was 1 today so we had a little tea party for him this afternoon which he loved and his walking has progressed from 1 or 2 steps to walking 8-10 paces (although its still quicker to crawl!). both boys were well behaved and ate all their party tea. amazingly they were both in bed asleep for 7pm despite all the excitement of presents.

the downside is I know they will be knackered tomorrow and therefore v wingey.

Happy Birthday fledtoscotland's DS2

Waves ~ don't feel like a bad mum ~ you, she and her little brother will all benefit from it massively. I'm v. envious. Back to work for me tomorrow

TBH the only time I ever feel really guilty about sending DD1 to nursery is when she catches a virus there. Which is going to happen more in the winter months But she loves the place, as she's told me many times.

I know, Im a totally irrational mummy and I know she love it, shes such an outgoing child. Goodness know how Im going to get all thrr of us out of the house for 9 o'clock. Anyone got any tips?

Big happy birthday fledtosctoland ds2

9 o'clock?! We have to leave by 7:15
Think I might go to sleep in my work clothes or set off the night before

My advice would be to get breakfast over with as early as possible, and then utilise cbeebies so you can get everything sorted!
Before I was on maternity leave, I used to have to leave the house with DD by 7.30am and she had breakfast at nursery - it wasn't too much of a problem and DH also used to help a bit. I actually found it harder when I started mat leave and she went to the local playgroup. She started at 9.15 but the fact that I used to have to give her breakfast at home first seemed to make us late EVERY day!

Have had a traumatic few days due to being stuck inside cos of the terrible weather. DD has had endless tantrums and I have turned into a screaming banshee who shouts about the most pointless things. Saw the nextdoor neighbours this morning (we live in a semi) on our first trip out for ages (the sun has actually made a brief appearance ) and I don't know if I am being paranoid but I'm sure they think I'm the worst mother EVER! Whilst I was talking to them DD tried to tip DS out of the pushchair and into the flower beds, despite me having told her ten times to stop messing with the pushchair. I got cross and the neighbours looked at me like I was some kind of child abuser and just said 'ahhh bless her'. Just don't know how DD manages to rile me so much. Any advice on keeping calm??? Something needs to change before we all go deaf and my hair gets even greyer !

Maybe we could swap our DDs, mumofeve, because mine manages to rile me and yet I get a lot of "ahh, bless" type comments (although those close to me do admit she's a mischievous little monkey 'spirited' child with a real sense of what's dangerous and exciting an 'inquisitive mind')

(trying again Maybe we could swap our DDs, mumofeve, because mine manages to rile me and yet I get a lot of "ahh, bless" type comments (although those close to me do admit she's a mischievous little monkey 'spirited' child with a real sense of what's dangerous and exciting an 'inquisitive mind')

If I had a spare bedroom in the house, I would pad it out and make it into a screaming room. Then I could just go there whenever DD riled me and scream until I felt better !

You could hire it out to lots of mums I reckon!

Evening

Whiteflag don't feel bad about DD going to nursery. DS1 has still been going to nursery 4 (full) days a week - even though I have been on maternity leave since October I am the first to admit that I would not have coped with the 2 of them at home all the time!!

As for getting out in the morning, when I go back to work, we will have to be out the house by 7.45. My plan is to get up at 6 , have a shower, dry hair, put make-up on - get the boys up at about 6.45 (if they are not already up), get them dressed. Give DS2 his bottle at about 7, have my breakfast and then get out the house (oh and have all the bags packed/clothes ironed/my lunch made etc the night before). This is the same plan that I used when I went back to work after DS1 and it worked well..but now obviously I have 2 of them to get ready and DS1 has become far more awkward than he was 12 months ago! I have never given DS1 breakfast as they have it at nursery at 8.30 so not that long to wait although now he will ask for something to eat on the way (toast, breadstick, banana).

Had a lovely day today - DH off work so we took the boys to a local indoor waterpark then out for lunch. Both boys behaved really well for most of the day and gave me a glimmer of what life may be like in the future at the end of this tunnel

Hello, so pleased to find this thread, as feel am going mad with 6 month old and 2 1/2 year old. Feel like I've given up my last chance at youth to be obsessed by weaning and potty training... Today in library had to drag DC1 out by one arm due to amount of screaming when we I said we had to leave, whole place went quiet to look at the worst mum in the world.....

Thanks for the birthday messages . we had a great day on wednesday and both boys behaved themselves today when we went shopping. managed to get round the shopping centre with no major dramas.

Thank god DH is off tomorrow so I can get round Sainsburys alone rather than with them screaming in the trolley battering each other with any food items they can reach.

We are off on holiday on Saturday - DS2's first proper holiday. I'm really looking forward to a change of scenery although 5 hrs in a car isnt going to be fun.

Tousletop - I know how awful the looks are when DC have tantrums. My opinion fwiw is that we would get far worse looks if we did nothing and carried on oblivious. This thread is great - its reassuring to know we are not alone.

Morning all. I think I have finally reached breaking point with ds. Hes 3mths now and still has major problems sleeping. He tends to sleep thro from 11pm till 6am (not always tho') but during daytime hours hes a nightmare. Yesterday he missed his morning sleep so was up at 7, then he didnt sleep till 3!!! That was only achieved by feeding him twice and some major finger sucking (wont take a dummy). After all that he only managed 45mins, he didnt sleep again until dh came home and managed to walk him around the hosue so much that he eventually conked out at 8pm! I honestly dont know what to do with him anymore. On top of that he woke at 6 for a feed today, then wouldnt go to sleep so got fed again. Hes asleep but still making lots of noise... and we're meant to be going into town for our first trip out alone!!!!!!

My stress levels have reached their limits and I cant imagine continuing like this. What can I do? He only sleeps when I feed him, but doesnt always stay asleep. I was actaully in tears this morning at the thought of himm being up all day with no sleep, cos he wont sleep in his pram or the car, unless hes exhausted.

Would I be made to try and find a sleep trainer, I just cant cope with this and dd, Im worried all this will bring my PND back.
Oh and its pouring down

Sorry to rabbit on, just feeling really down in the dumps today. I thought by 3mths he would have settled down like dd, but he shows no sign of doing so. Arghhhhhh!!!!!!

WavesTheWhiteFlag, am doing one handed typing due to 11 week old DD in arms who is asleep but will wake the second I try to put her down. Does this sound familiar?

I just wanted to let you know you are not on your own with a baby who doesn't settle during the day, and it drives me nuts too as it is so hard to get anything done and the crying when you do put them down is like nails down a blackboard. HOWEVER, there is light at the end of the tunnel and I have a tiny glimmer of that because DS1 was exactly the same during the day (and also rubbish at night, eek) but now is a fab sleeper (aged 18 months) so while you're in the eye of the storm it can seem like it will never end, but it WILL.

I also had PND with DS1 and if I have learned anything from the whole experience it's to make life as easy on myself as possible and not spend hours fighting a baby who won't sleep. So I carry her, stick her in the sling so I can get on with cooking, playing with DS1, tidying etc (and the sling often sends her to sleep) and if I am feeling brave I'll put her in the pram or the cot but if it doesn't work after a few minutes I'll swear loudly and get her back out and put her in the sling or hold her. It will get better, I have to keep telling myself that and so do you - I have the proof in the form of the World's Worst Sleeper (DS1) in the first few months, now transformed into a fab sleeper. Oh and I completely went for the whole sleep training thing once he got beyond six months old. Some people don't agree with it but for the sake of my sanity and his need for sleep I did it. It took a few goes and sometimes you have to do it again if the sleep gets broken by illness or something but it works, so go for it once your bub is just a little bit older xxxx

WTWF- so sorry you are feeling so bad. If it really gets too much and you know he is tired you can always put him down and leave him for a little while to cry. I have done this on occasions with mine when I have been at the end of my tether. Then make a cup of tea and have 10 minutes to yourself. You never know he might go to sleep on his own and if not you will feel better for a break.

My DD wouldn't sleep in the day unless she was in a sling so she spent most of her day in it until she was about 4 months.

And remember, it will get easier. My eldest 2 are now 2 and 3 and they can entertain themselves, play together and sleep at night. (My 8 month old is a different story!).

Finally, before I bore you too much, none of my DCs slept through without a feed until they were fully weaned, ie 3 meals a day and they were FF. My 8 month old is still not reliably sleeping through but by 12 months the elder 2 were more or less guarenteed to sleep. IT WILL END!

Hope your day improves.

PS WTWF have just put DD in pram and eyes popped open instantly, but am whizzing off upstairs into the shower where I am guaranteed not to be able to hear her

We are going on our hols for a week this evening. DH is at work for the day so the task of packing for myself and 3DCS is up to me. (I draw the line at packing for DH!).

I will be spending the day at home trying to keep DCs calm, trying to pack whilst DC3 unpacks simultaniously and washing all the clothes that DH put in the laundry basket this morning, announcing that those were the clothes he required for hol! ARRRGGGHHHHH!

Let's hope it stays sunny outside or DH is going to have a very damp bottom on the journey!

WTWF - sorry you're having a nightmare. I totally agree with neuroticlady and Becky7000, you need to make life as easy for you as possible - and if that means using a sling, or switching the monitor down so you can enjoy a peaceful cuppa, that's what you need to do. I think when you have more than one DC you can't always afford to worry about what is right by the book, but you just need to do what is right for you each day.
When DD was little, I used to spend all day trying to have a shower/breakfast/lunch (and would usually only manage one of the three by the time DH came home ). When DS came along, I had a shower when I wanted one (and if he cried for 5 mins so be it) and if me and DD were having breakfast then he went in a sling, or I ate quickly whilst he cried! I think its all about survival with DC2!
Saying that, DD is in nursery for a full day today and is starting school for 3 hours a day in a weeks time, so I feel like I can see light at the end of the tunnel now !

Good luck with the packing with your little helpers, Becky7000. Sounds like you'll need it... My DH had to travel from Australia to the UK with no pants on as he left it too late . What is it with men and laundry?

mumofeve you are so right, time out for a cuppa is such a sanity saver. Switch the monitor off, take yourself to the other end of the house, ask yourself, is the baby:

Warm
Fed
In a clean nappy
Safe

And if the answer is yes and they still cry, then shut the door and enjoy your tea and a few precious minutes to yourself. Turn the music up to drown the noise out or go and sit in the shower if, like me, the crying means you can't relax enough to enjoy your tea. And if you're worried about whether it harms them to leave them to cry, I have a perfectly happy, bouncy 18 month old DS who was 'abandoned' like this many times to stop me doing something stupid when he was at his unsettled worst.

By the way, all these sudden posts from me are the result of an amazing discovery: plonk DS in chair next to me watching In The Night Garden on the other computer . I also put DD in her pram looking all angry and amazingly it has gone quiet! Probably won't last more than a few minutes but it's enough to restore my sense of humour.

As for getting dressed, having lunch etc - well so far my day has gone no further than hanging washing all over the house due to weather, while DS pulls it all down again, picking up a shredded loo roll he got hold of, feeding DD and putting her in the sling/taking her out of the sling, picking up all the nappies DS found and scattered everywhere, and putting all the washing out for a second time.

Am still hoping a chance to eat is imminent though baby has just started complaining about being left in pram...

Hey ladies, I got out of the house by 7:33 this morning, with my two girls, and we were all dressed, had had our morning milk/cup of tea AND breakfast!! Ta daaaaaaaaa!

(Since then we've had a bit of a meltdown this afternoon, but I'm clinging to this morning's success)

wavethewhiteflag it DOES get easier, they do sleep more when they eat and move more

becky ~ make your DH go nude on your holds. Much more amusing for the rest of you too

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragment. As i write ds is in his basket next to me screaming... again! But I think it is time to try and be more controlling of when and how I deal with him. Its hard when dd is around cos she gets upset too which doesnt help. But something as to give as I cant take it much longer.

Today was a bit better, but thats cos we were out of the house (ok got soaked but heh!) annd dd was at grandmas. He even slept on the bus with the aid of a dummy and a rolled up muslin to make sure it didnt come out. Would gaffa tape be cruel???!!!!! This afternoon was coffee with the girls and he behaved really well. Just wish there were more days like that. Even if he did sleep with me feeding him.

Ok screaming now getting worse so off to try and calm him again but dd gets home.

Quick question - what slings do u use? I have a moby and bjorn baby, but dont know if I could manage to keep him in them in the house.

Bubba - I am very impressed! Our new neighbour came for a cup of coffee yesterday and DS was wearing his pyjama top and nothing else. This was at 10am! She had just come back from taking her LO for 1st jabs.

I wear DD in our close carrier and we both love it. When she was smaller I used a koorie pouch sling and she slept really well in that but I can't cope with her on one shoulder for long now

Last night wasn't as good a the one before, but still a far cry from what we considered normal a fortnight ago.