Nosy Neighbour intimidating me re 15 months tantrums/crying

[Bluebella]

Hello all,

I am a single mum of 27 years old. We have been battling with early morning risings and on advice from HV, she said if he wakes up at 5.30am, just don't get him out of the cot, go into reasure him, and say 'It's not time to get up yet', and leave him to cry.

More often than not after 20 mins of crying he would go back to sleep. I thought great, he just needs to learn that it's not time to get up.

I was aware that he was being quite noisy in the mornings, so I put a short note through the door of my next door neigbour, who is also a single mum to two teenage daughters.

A few days later I got a very strongly worded letter through the door, which I found quite offensive. She was saying that it was cruel to let DS cry, it was an acceptable time to get up, it is not unheard of for babies to get up this early, she thinks I should get up with him and give him milk/breakfast etc etc.... She said her family canot put up with the crying any more, and DS is waking them all up, and they cannot cope with having to wake up so early, so i should be getting up with him. It really was quite a strong letter and implied that I didn't know what I was doing. She refered to me as a young mum too, which she has done before, which I find offensive, while I AM young, I am not a YOUNG mum in teens or early twenties, I am a professional person, a Team Manager in a call centre, and I am perfectly competeant to deal with my son.

YES I know that I do need to respect the neighbours, and had she just said 'Could yoiu try to keep it down in the mornings' then I really wouldn't have been so upset. It's just the way she tried to tell me what I was doing wrong etc...

Anyways so I decided to go and see her, and tell her that I was very upset because I do not feel I am being cruel to DS and this was on HV advice etc.... trouble is, she was so 'nice to me' that all my 'strong will' intentions to stand up for myself went out the window. I told her I would try to minimise the crying in the mornings.

THEN, I was too upset to even stay at my house that night, that I went to stay at my EX's house... which I would never do, but I really didn't want to go back to my house, I didn't feel comfortable with going there and was scared in case DS was noisy.

Obviously I did have to go back the next day, and when DS woke at 5am, I was too scared to let him cry that I scooped him out of bed, and tried to cuddle him back to sleep in bed, but he just thought it was time toget up and I ended up getting up at this ridiculous hour!! Same thing happened the next day, and now he is getting in the habbit of getting up even earlier because I am too frightended for him to wake the neighbours up... Yes I tried giving him milk etc... but nothing helps if I take him o ut of the cot he thinks its time to start the day and wants to go downstairs...

The other day in the day time, DS was having a BIG tantrum - because I took the cherio packet away from him... it caused a huge meltdown.... absolutely kicking and screaming and rolling around hysterical. I was trying to give him the cheerios in a little pot rather than out of the packet. Nothing would calm him, i.e. Drink/Cuddles/the packet of cherios back/fruit ect.... he was just hysterical. NEXT thing I know - next door neighbour at the door banging...

She is come to see if everything is OK, and to say her 15 year old daugter can take DS out for a walk if I need a break. I was gobsmacked! Maybe she was being kind, but I felt like she is implying I can't handle DS and need time off!! I really woduln't want her 15 year old daughter to go out with him! If he was to go out for a walk I would be absolutely happy to take him myself! We weren't going for a walk because we were shortly going out to meet a friend for lunch and I wante dthe tantrum to pass so I could get DS ready. I really felt like she was checking up on me, and it made me feel like shit.

Maybe she is just trying to be nice, and helpful, but I felt - I can't even let DS have his tantrum without being 'checked up on'.

Later on I went round there because I wanted to make sure she knew that I wasn't a young mum, and that I am only 3 years off 30. I also talked to her about what a demanding child DS can be and he does cry a lot and I can't help that he has this type of personality, he has always been high need.

Has any one else had to deal with a anything like this before? What do I do about the mornings? Is it really unreasonable for me to let him cry if its before 6am? IMO beofre 6am its too early to get up.

Oh I Just feel like moving house! How dramatic is that!

xxx

Also, I wouldn't ever post something on a AIBU part of mumsnet - it immediately calls for someone to call out 'yes you are and i will tell you why in 7 different ways'! Put it on chat or behaviour and it doesn't seem to rile as much.
I am a newbie and am amazed what can rile others and myself at times.

Aitch - I just wanted to chat about it all thats what I am doing here, but I'm finding that I'm being battered by some people! Never mind.

Right I am going to get my little one in the bath now

Too right aitch - Perhaps it is also the 3oz of gin I pop in the bottle at the same time.

No, not a crime, I was just wondering why you'd made the move - or if you were still happy there, why you would try MN out.

I'm not medical, I have personal experience with head injuires. Was this a condition he was born with? Have you raised the fact that you experience him as being high needs with his paediatrician/specialist (does he have one?)

I don't think 5.30am is too early. My ds did the 5am stuff too and I would just get him to play in my room as I was conscious of my next door neighbour. Eventually we got to about 6am but even at now 5 he is usually up at this time. Never occurred to me to seek advice as I just assumed that was how he is and got on with it. Sounds as if your neighbour is trying to help. Better than calling social services because of a crying baby, which I've heard happen before.

you really, really aren't being even slightly battered. MN is a great place, with very wise women, some medical, some not, but if you are being a twat people will tell you. it's no bad thing. personally there are some websites that turn my stomach at the shocking advice being dispensed with a [hug].

i do think that for thirty quid or whatever, it would be worth seeking out a good child specialist chiro. what have you got to lose?

ah! cross posts

Hey, yes saw consultant on Thursday. He is not really a hugley high needs baby, he's a joy - hes just got a deterimed/knows what he wants streak, prob like his mum and dad ;-)

Every single Health Professional thats seen him says he looks a very healthy, happy and also physically/mentally well developed as in hitting all milsestones early etc...

he condition is that one of the nerves that controls the muscle that pulls the eye down is damaged in some way. I was worried it was something more sinister like a brain tumour, but have been reasured the back of his eyes look fine.

It is often caused by a trauma / head injry, which he hasn't had (in my care) his dad says he has never had a big head injury - had the usual bumos and falls but never been unconsious. OR can be born with it, most causes of 4th nerve palsy never known

but Aitch, I am not being a twat!!! Honestly. OK can we just stop this stuppid bickering, why we got off on wrong feeet I just don't know, I just eflt being isolated. just foregt it please

Oops - just realised this is not an AIBU thread.
Goodness, imagine the armageddon had you done that...

Try the milk thing. Just leave it when you go to bed propped at the end of his cot. Leave your door wide and have the baby monitor on to listen for coughing (if you have one)
TBH, I could hear everything perfectly through our wall. Perhaps he is jst hungry/thirst like ours but getting him up to give him milk stimulates him too much so he becomes properly awake, This way, he is just dozing. On the first morning we went in and showed him the bottle and left him to it. he caught on fast.

you really must stop taking everything so personally, i didn't call you a twat. i'm not having a spat with anyone.

btw head injury, wherever it may have happened, you should DEFINITELY see a cranio. i know people who take their children to see our one if the child has had a really bad fall. all those soft little bones, it's so easy for them to be knocked out of alignment and grow from that place. what's thirty quid if you're wrong? at least you'll be able to rule it out as something else you tried that didn't work.

yeah, you kind of were, but we all are sometimes

Are you absolutely and utterly certain that he isn't holding his head at any kind of angle to cope with the eye thing? Doing this for a while could cause headaches/sore neck and could explain why sometimes he screams when he lies down. I do actually think it really might be worth taking him to see a chiropractor, it is quite a lot of money, but you just MAY see a huge difference.

This thread is very funny

Hello - oh yes definatly, he has a slight totricollis to compensate for the vision. That was what the consultant said. That is classis sign of 4th nerve palsy - a head tilt. It is good he is doing that because that at least means he is using both eyes, and that he is seeing. He shows NO signs at all of not being able to see properly - he picks small things up, points at animals/interesting objects, watches the TV (not close up).

I've just put him to bed, lay him down and he's gone straight away - no crying or anything. it can be like this often. Or sometimes he crys for a bit before settling.

I think it's valid point your making given tvery slight head tilt. But it doesn't bother him in the slightest I don't think.

I think its more he just is fighting the sleep, I did't think it was normal for babies/toddlers to not protest at all at bed time?

I will look up chiropractors in the area for sure.

I was thinking that MovingOutOfBlighty !! :-)

medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Cranial+Sacral+therapy it's not gospel of course but look at the line "In addition, other craniosacral practitioners have reported benefits for eye dysfunction". plus, they're both cranio, so they're in the right area.

the woman i go to has actually helped one boy with autism to talk. (or at least it was a helluva coincidence that having been mute until she saw him at eight he said his first words after seeing her).

Thanks I'll take a look

But can you see why I don't think thats the issue at bedtime, because from day 1, he has been quite a poor sleeper, when I was BF, he would often sleep with me, and this made it difficult to settle him in his basket/cot. He likes to be close to me, especially now since my break up with his dad. He literally bawling his eyes out sometimes, but as soon as I go in he's reaching up:

Mama mama - and as soon as hold him, he nuzzles his little head into my shoulder and he's asleep straight away.

I think he just likes to be close to me but the CP worth a shot I agree.

It's worth doing it, because he just can't tell you why he's crying yet, it might be that mostly it's fine, but sometimes it hurts, or he can't cope when he's overtired, so he cries for longer, impossible to know... really can't hurt to try.

I, for one, am pretty impressed you didn't disappear from the thread.

There are some chiropractic clinics that are attached to hospitals and will treat at a very reduced price as far as I remember. What's your general area?

My twopenceworth...

My first DS wouldn't sleep without me from the word go and was quite an agitated baby. While I wouldn't say I had the near-miraculous result from cranial therapy that others can describe, it certainly calmed him down and the agitation went away. I would recommend having a course of sessions.

AitchTwooh - sorry hijack, but does CO work well with older kids? Am trying to support someone I know whos DS is autistic, your last post caught my eye.

plus, tbh you might be used to his screaming but it might be louder than you think. i had another friend whose boy had torticollis and a really bashed head, she was quite used to his noise but we could quite literally hear his screams from across the road halfway down her street. it was blood-curdling. i used to wonder how her neighbours felt.

Thanks Katisha, yes I agree, it's probably worth ago.

Well I couldnt have left it really could I, I would be too tempted to coming back to look!:-D

I so have to iron my clothes for tomorrow now..... :-( doh

i don't know, all i know is that wee lad was 8. my attitude to these things is that if you can scrape together the cash and if you can get a recommendation to an excellent practitioner then it's not going to hurt

we're going on tues, for example. dd1 still wets the bed about one night a week and dd2 isn't sleeping through at 11 mos. not big problems, all quite normal really but the CS says she can sort both things with a little manipulation so imo it's well worth a try (especially as she'll see both of them in the same app to keep costs down).

yeah he has got a pair of lungs on him, that's for sure.

I am very anxious about his 'condition' it does't affect him in any other way, but me, being a worrier am very paranoid that there is some more sinister underlying cause like tumour or aneurysms, but COnsultant was not concerned, and only wants to see him in three months. Anyway thats another thread entirely!

DS's torticollis isn't that defined, only slight, but yes as he can't speak could be anything.

In my opinion chiropractic is quack medicine, albeit being practised by people who sincerely believe in it. There is no evidence for it at all, and it was invented by a nutcase called DD Palmer, an American 'magnetic healer' who thought manipulation of the spine was a cure for everything including heart disease and considered setting chiropractic up as religion! As a desperate parent of a non-sleeper I am ashamed to say I tried it (at enormous cost) myself, and of course it made no difference whatsoever.
I can understand why having someone at your door the minute your child kicks off makes you feel paranoid and spied on, not matter how good the intentions of your neighbour. I'd try and stay friends with her, but I can empathise. On the other hand, I can also understand how awful it must be for them to be woken up at 5am by a crying baby. I would find it upsetting as well as intrusive and exhausting. I agree with people who say think about doing this when they are away on holiday or swapping rooms with your baby. And it may not work anyway.