Nosy Neighbour intimidating me re 15 months tantrums/crying

[Bluebella]

Hello all,

I am a single mum of 27 years old. We have been battling with early morning risings and on advice from HV, she said if he wakes up at 5.30am, just don't get him out of the cot, go into reasure him, and say 'It's not time to get up yet', and leave him to cry.

More often than not after 20 mins of crying he would go back to sleep. I thought great, he just needs to learn that it's not time to get up.

I was aware that he was being quite noisy in the mornings, so I put a short note through the door of my next door neigbour, who is also a single mum to two teenage daughters.

A few days later I got a very strongly worded letter through the door, which I found quite offensive. She was saying that it was cruel to let DS cry, it was an acceptable time to get up, it is not unheard of for babies to get up this early, she thinks I should get up with him and give him milk/breakfast etc etc.... She said her family canot put up with the crying any more, and DS is waking them all up, and they cannot cope with having to wake up so early, so i should be getting up with him. It really was quite a strong letter and implied that I didn't know what I was doing. She refered to me as a young mum too, which she has done before, which I find offensive, while I AM young, I am not a YOUNG mum in teens or early twenties, I am a professional person, a Team Manager in a call centre, and I am perfectly competeant to deal with my son.

YES I know that I do need to respect the neighbours, and had she just said 'Could yoiu try to keep it down in the mornings' then I really wouldn't have been so upset. It's just the way she tried to tell me what I was doing wrong etc...

Anyways so I decided to go and see her, and tell her that I was very upset because I do not feel I am being cruel to DS and this was on HV advice etc.... trouble is, she was so 'nice to me' that all my 'strong will' intentions to stand up for myself went out the window. I told her I would try to minimise the crying in the mornings.

THEN, I was too upset to even stay at my house that night, that I went to stay at my EX's house... which I would never do, but I really didn't want to go back to my house, I didn't feel comfortable with going there and was scared in case DS was noisy.

Obviously I did have to go back the next day, and when DS woke at 5am, I was too scared to let him cry that I scooped him out of bed, and tried to cuddle him back to sleep in bed, but he just thought it was time toget up and I ended up getting up at this ridiculous hour!! Same thing happened the next day, and now he is getting in the habbit of getting up even earlier because I am too frightended for him to wake the neighbours up... Yes I tried giving him milk etc... but nothing helps if I take him o ut of the cot he thinks its time to start the day and wants to go downstairs...

The other day in the day time, DS was having a BIG tantrum - because I took the cherio packet away from him... it caused a huge meltdown.... absolutely kicking and screaming and rolling around hysterical. I was trying to give him the cheerios in a little pot rather than out of the packet. Nothing would calm him, i.e. Drink/Cuddles/the packet of cherios back/fruit ect.... he was just hysterical. NEXT thing I know - next door neighbour at the door banging...

She is come to see if everything is OK, and to say her 15 year old daugter can take DS out for a walk if I need a break. I was gobsmacked! Maybe she was being kind, but I felt like she is implying I can't handle DS and need time off!! I really woduln't want her 15 year old daughter to go out with him! If he was to go out for a walk I would be absolutely happy to take him myself! We weren't going for a walk because we were shortly going out to meet a friend for lunch and I wante dthe tantrum to pass so I could get DS ready. I really felt like she was checking up on me, and it made me feel like shit.

Maybe she is just trying to be nice, and helpful, but I felt - I can't even let DS have his tantrum without being 'checked up on'.

Later on I went round there because I wanted to make sure she knew that I wasn't a young mum, and that I am only 3 years off 30. I also talked to her about what a demanding child DS can be and he does cry a lot and I can't help that he has this type of personality, he has always been high need.

Has any one else had to deal with a anything like this before? What do I do about the mornings? Is it really unreasonable for me to let him cry if its before 6am? IMO beofre 6am its too early to get up.

Oh I Just feel like moving house! How dramatic is that!

xxx

OP i think it was you who swore at me, tbh. to see ourselves as other see us etc etc...

Aitch is not being mean. Is it possible you may be too 'sweet' for your own good? I tell you the one question I'm dying to ask though. You're the manager of a call centre - how on earth do you manage when someone on the phone calls you a cunt or something? Do you get out the smelling salts?

speak to her properly, then, and tell her that you're going to give it a week of trying to crack it and then stop. like someone suggested, ask her if she's off on holiday soon or at least find out when the school hols start.

(i worked in a call centre once. ime the team managers weren't that sweet. )

I get up at 6.00a.m. as well. I'm not sure that I'd go through the hassle of CC for an extra half an hour.

bluebella - MN can be ''full-on'' as you call it, but you want genuine advice - surely that is much better than a load of empty cyber-hugs?
I don't think anyone has been particularly unpleasant (by MN standards) and many people have been very sympathetic and given you good advice.

Please get this in perspective - you seem overwrought by your experiences, whether that is exahaustion or down to over-sensitivity on your part, I hope you can finmd a solution.

And stick around, MN has a great deal to offer.

I was just about to post what Cornsilk has just said.

'speak to her properly, then, and tell her that you're going to give it a week of trying to crack it and then stop. like someone suggested, ask her if she's off on holiday soon or at least find out when the school hols start.'

There you go, BB - that meanie Aitch can give good advice, too!

'I'm not sure that I'd go through the hassle of CC for an extra half an hour.'
For the op and her son it's an extra hour and a half of sleep! Big big reward alround for a bit of crying.

that's been suggested many times, i think, daddyj.

It's half an hour - op has said she gets up at 6.00.

5.30 is a shit time to get up-but i do it/my dh does it because it's our baby (and not the baby of our neighbour or my teenager)so it is up to us to deal with it.
I was a single parent for 10 years with dd1 and it's not easy-your neighbour sounds ace-you should make a friend of her.
It's a good thing to keep in mind that your children should not be troubling other people at any point-whether it's through crying at 5.30 or racing round a restaurant.

I would try and keep on the good side of the neighbour. She has teenage daughters which are the holy grail babysitting wise.

not worth all this hoo-haa for another 30 minutes of sleep. I would just get up with him. It's awful listening to crying for that long.

I was just wondering if wake to sleep would work here BB ?

ooooh, remind me what wake to sleep is, my friend did that with great success.

wake to sleep - where you set your alarm for an hour before the waking time, then go into him and jostle him slightly so he sort of rouses but doesn't wake up.

The theory is this should put him back into a cycle of sleep and he'll miss his usual wake up time.

yyy, that really worked for my pal. (and her neighbours never knew a thing... )

;)

Bluebella - I haven't read the entire thread but just wanted to share my experience with ds (now 14 months). He too was waking super-early, which was very difficult for our household at the time, particularly for my DH's work schedule. He slept very well through the night, but on the days he woke up super-early, he was unsettled all day long and couldn't get "reset" by his naptimes.

A good friend told me to check out the total number of hours he should be sleeping daily, which at this age is roughly 11-14 hours with wide variations.

We found that he was getting a lot of this during his daytime naps. We shortened his nap times by gently waking him about 15 minutes sooner than he would normally wake during the day. He quickly adjusted and now wakes up himself after a shorter naptime.

After only 3-4 days, he now sleeps until about 6:45-7am routinely. Maybe your LO is just getting too much daytime rest? Just a thought...

We definitely empathize!

Yes what naps does your son have during the day?

As a LP I would kill for a neighbour like that!

Just wondering...will controlled crying work if he's up at 5.30, and then crying for 20 mins and then you have to get him up at 6.00? I can see it works if he's up at say 1.00, but will he reprogramme to a specific extra half an hour?

Working and caring for a young child is hard, but I think you may have to get up 1/2 hour earlier if you want to be fair to the neighbours, at least if it doesn't work after a week. After all, if you think it's too early, then, as has been pointed out, I'm sure your neighbours must. And he's not their child.

Hello,

Just to say that I really feel for you. It's awful to have hassle with neighbors, especially when it is over an issue that you have absolutley no control over.

I guess you are feeling worse about the situation due to your neighbors assumption that you cannot cope with your child - that would wind me up as well! It isn't nice when your ability to cope is questioned when it is completly unfounded, and I had all the 'young mum' comments as well when DS was a baby and I was in my mid 20's, it's infuriating!

I had the same situation for a while when my DS was around the same age, but after a while of trying to get him to go back to sleep at 5.30am we gave up. Some babies just do wake up that early, and we co slept, so I don't know what his problem was! I was regulary up, dressed and downstairs watching the early morning news by 6am! I have known lots of other people who's babies were early wakers as well (what is it with 5.30am?! That seems to be the time when most small children wake up!) and not much seems to work, but they do all grow out of it eventually. Not much comfort now I know.

I take it you have done all the usuals, black out blind, making sure the hot water isn't clicking on at that time to wake him, feeding him later at night so he's not waking from hunger? Not that any of those things helped me though, but worth a try!

As for the neighbor, just leave it, don't try to defend yourself anymore to her. The more you tell her you are coping and your baby is just going through all the normal tantrums etc, the more she will think you need help. Some people are just like that! Has she ever given you any constructive advice about him waking early?

Hello, I'm a genuine nice person, and have many friends, and am popular, also a sucessful career in conact centre industry, and yes I can deal with irate callers with no problems. In day to day RL peeople really respect me.

Great idea's. Its not so much of an issue when Its one of the days I work, because as PP said, I have to get up aruond 6.30am anyway.

If DS wakes at 6am - GREAT - I get up with him.

It's when he is waking much earlier, such as 5am/5.30am, which is annoying. AND also, when it is days off when I don't have to get up AS early, that I would appreciate his going that little bit longer.

WELL, let's see how we get on and what time little bambino wakes up tomorrow morning.

Again, I'd raelly really just like to clarify - I'm sure Next door were just being 'caring' or 'kind' to offer the babysitting/walk etc.. and to give me advice on parenting. As I said before I think she's seems a lovely woman, and there is no 'dispute' as such. I just felt quite 'invaded' by all this, especially that she came round when DS having a tantrum. She now knows I am older than she thought, she DID think I was much younger, and perhaps she thought I was finding things hard, but really , I am used to my DS who has always been hard work since DAY 1. He has never been an 'Easy' / 'laid back' baby.

I would say that my intenion WASN'T to slag off/insult the neighbour, but to show my feelings to other mums, of how she made me feel by writing that letter - i.e very upset, and feeling uncomfortable to be at home in fear of DS making a noise.

The other purpose of the post was to get help with early morning risers, of which I have got plenty! Just wasn't expecting MN to be so bloody snappy as such!

But I have had some very good tips.

In regards to day time sleep I think its the opposite - he doesn't get enough! Maybe he has about an hour a day! Maybe he needs more sleep in the day to help him sleep longer at night, weird theory some one has mentioned to me.

Thanks you halfbaked cookie - that is exactly how I feel.

Yes she did give me some hints and tips, all the usual things like you mention. I think I'll just leave it with her now as you say.

We've only just got back home now as had to pick DS from daddys.

SO he is having a later tea. Usually have it at 5pm, but it's only just cooking now.

Maybe I should give him some supper before bed, mind you 7pm is bed time so thats pretty close to 5pm