5 yr old DS is driving me crazy!!!Please help.

[chocciedooby]

I have been concerned with DS's behavious for some time now and I am really getting to the end of my tether. So many behaviorial things to mention but a few are that he is: -

Attention Seeking
Persistant
Stubborn
At times - aggressive
Very fussy eater

The list is endless. He does of course he has many great positive qualities but I really need help as I don't know how much more of this unacceptable behaviour I can take. I am exhausted physically and emotionally, am expecting baby no.3 in June and don't know how I will cope.

One of the things that I find very difficult is that he wants to be in control of EVERYTHING. I stand my ground, don't give in, say NO and stick to it but he continues to throw huge tantrums (sometimes over an hour long), has peed on the floor and in his bed for attention and will go to any lengths to win a battle.

He will not go to sleep in the evenings and constantly calls dh and I upstairs for silly things just to get our attention. I am so concerned that he is not getting enough sleep. His mind seems to be overactive.

I have tried many discipline techniques (in fact about all of them) over the years and nothing seems to work. I am now considering talking to a challenging behaviour therapist and wondered if anyone else out there is dealing with the same problems or has found a therapist of use.

Please please help.

Bumping for you.

thank you puzzlerocks.
I have had yet another tough night getting him to settle to sleep. I am so exhausted that I'm going to head off to bed myself now

All I can say is that I could have written your post for you - only my DS is 6.5 Every single one of the problems you mention is also a problem in our house. We haven't had the weeing for attention, but he did poo in a Kandoo box

I have also tried every kind of discipline I can think of, to no apparent avail. I'm so sorry I don't have a solution, but I can tell you that you are not alone!

If my DS wants something enough, he is perfectly able to behave. However, I've run out of things he really wants! He's banned from the computer; he doesn't watch TV anyway as he hates it; I am at a loss. It's not helped by his little sister being very easy!!

I hope you find something that works for you. I shall watch this thread in the hope that it might work for us, too!

Oh Dotteressa it is so good to know there are others out there ging through this. It can be like hell at times in our house and I know that seems a little extreme but it is the truth.

I have been on MN before over the years and have taken on board all sorts of disciplin tips etc but like you, nothing seems to work

Can't beleive your DS did a poo in a Kandoo box . What are they like?

Funny how your DD is good. I have another DS (3) and he is also a good child. How can 2 children be so different???

bump

Update:
DS1 was woken at 7.15am this morning. He kicked off a tantrum at 7.30am about wanting my full attention to help him down the stairs ?
He then kicked off about breakfast etc etc etc and to cut a long story short ended up in TIME OUT. During TIME OUT he kicked, threw stuff around etc. Totally out of control. It didn't calm down until 8.20am once I had him in the car to go to school. I am exhausted.
Please can someone offer any advice?
I have started to make a diary of when he kicks off and what his actual behaviour is. When I rsad it back I am quite am alarmed.

DS2 can be like this - I have found the ONLY thing that stops the behaviour is to lose something he likes, he doesn't get it back until A,b,c have happened. I absolutely stick to punishments, even if it breaks my heart (and his!) doing so. The most recent occasion was the school xmas fair (his first) that he was so looking forward to going to, but persisted in being ill tempered and badly behaved and rude - he was warned (he gets two warnings and gets told what will happen should he get another one) that if he kept it up we would not be going - he carried on, and he didn't get to go. DS1 however still got to go and me and him stayed home.

It was mean, but he hasn't forgotten it and knows that I mean business now when I say that he will lose a right or privilege, or if it is the worst behaviour going its bed - even if I have to put him back 100's of times - he is not coming out of that room.

Goodluck!

Have you spoken to his teachers? Is he like this at school - and if so how do they deal with the situation? Also, do you think he is attention seeking because you are pregnant? Was he always like this? Sorry to ask loads of questions, just trying to understand a bit more! My DS1 is an absolute angel, but DS2 is the complete opposite - so you have my sympathy (although it doesn't help much!!) At least having a good number 1 son I know it's not my parenting that's to blame - likewise don't be too hard on yourself

Choccie - we have mornings like that. DS doesn't normally need helping down the stairs, but there is often some manufactured thing that ends up causing a meltdown. It's hideous!

I am very consistent about following through with sanctions, and DD, despite being two years younger, seems perfectly able to link her actions to whatever sanctions are imposed. However, DS just seems to think I'm being mean!

My DS is perfect at school - his report was exemplary last term across the board. I sometimes think he's horrible at home because he has to try so hard to be good at school - but that's clutching at straws, really.

I feel your pain!

he and DD1 were separated at birth!

and she's an angel at school/nursery. all her teachers adore her.

her horns come out of retraction when we get to the car park.

Maybe not much help but my ds is horrendous in the mornings until he is fed. So we do it quickly and everyone is happier.

my DS1 was the same from 5yo-8yo really.

At 9 he comes home from school and shouts at me for a bit but mostly its letting off "boy steam" which i have come to realise now - when he was younger i thought all the aggression and anger were real but actually its because he needs to run around and go a bit mad for a while and then he soon calms down again.

Oh my god this is us (except for the weeing/pooing - my DD1 (5.2) is a bit the other way on that).
I have just got 2 DDs to bed an hour late because am on my own tonight and they were both screaming. Am raiding MN for HELP!!!

My DD1 is so controlling, she has always been a bit of a control freak but we've noticed it's just getting worse. She is nervous/lacking in confidence too, which I think is part of the problem. We are trying to loosen the reins a bit to see if that will help, and desperately trying to stop losing our tempers with her when she ignores us for the 13th time. But soooo hard.

Bedtime is the worst. She is so tired but fights us all the way. I don't know which method to adopt - a sort of broken record "back to bed" thing (but she is getting pretty heavy to manhandle now (and I have trapped a nerve today so am in a leetle pain). Sometimes I try leaving her with a book for a while but it's the attention she wants not the extra time. I get things like "Well if you say you're going I will follow you everywhere you go." I ignore and most of the time she actually stays in bed but shouts so loud that DD2 joins in screaming and then I can forget it.

What in the world do you do at this stage??

Jessia - I don't know, but I hope someone else does!

Stillenacht - your comments are encouraging. Only another three years to go!

Expat - LOL at the horns thing...

Hi Quite new to MN, and was about to post new thread about my DD2 behaviour. Must be fate! My DH and Myself at end of tether my 3 years 7 months DD2 behaviour and tantrum is getting worse. Has always been problem, so seen health visitor for last 18 months. Tried every technique to no avail. She not only tantrums whenever she doesn't gether own way, but lashes out, hits, punches, kicks, throws herself to ground still lashing her arms and feet around. She tried to break window to follow DH the other day (after I had locked door to stop her running out). Ended up putting her behind stair gate to try and get her to calm down,and not hurt herself. My DD1 is a typical 5 year old,so no worries. After having 4 major episodes today, I really don't know where to go from here. She's started wetting herself again. Her speech is getting worse,and she gets really cross eyed. Pre-school and nursery say she's fine there, although they said she wouldn't get the opportunity to show that behaviour. After an exhausting day, and getting more worried, I put her to bed (which used to be no problem - she also used to sleep for 2 -3 hours during day before christmas, which she's dropped totally), and now creates every night, for a good half hour. Tonight she carried on screaming etc for over an hour and only calmed down when her sister went to bed. The health visitor has refered her to paeditrician (on our request). When she was a baby upto 2 and a half she had cranial osteopathy which always calmed her down, could be coincidence, but we had to pay for it, and medical insurance will only cover if refered by GP. Unfortunately most GP's don't believe in it. Sorry for long story, but I'm at breaking point, with this and also exhausted, hope someone can help me,or take some solice from my problems.

Hi everyone.Thank you all so much for your comments. it is so good to know I am not alone with this.I sometimes wonder where my sanity is going!
isheisnthe - I also stick to my guns and I win every battle but its the length of the battle and the amount of battles that concerns me, especially at his age. I have taken away many many things that he loves and he doesn't bat an eyelid much anymore.He is very resiliant and determined to win .

basementbear - yes I have spoken to his teacher but not for some time now. I tried to make an appt.with her a couple of days ago and she said she was available in Feb at the PT meetings! Not good enough for me so going to try again tomorrow.
When I did talk to her it was her telling me that he doesn't sit still, doesn't do as he is told etc etc. She has 30 years experience and is battling with him.She told me that she gives him choices eg. do as you are told or go into the other classroom. He apparently then does as he is told. She told me to give him choices at home and he always opts for the horrible one!It just doesn't work for me and is very frustrating.
He may be a little affected from my pregnancy but if he is then god help me when baby comes along. Saying that, his behaviour has been like this for years.

expatinscotland - lol.
Stillenacht- I really could not cope with this for 4 more months let alone 4 more years.ARHHHHHH.

jessia - your DD sounds a little like my DS1. At least she is a little younger though. Being controlling is exactly what my DS is.I am also alone tonight and until Saturday and I am finding it very hard. Bedtimes are a nightmare. They never used to be but we only rid of his soother on New Years Eve . That could be something to do with his behaviour at night but boy it's exhausting us. He was playing up again tonight, kept calling me, came down stairs 4 times etc etc. I stayed as calm as I could and then he started shouting "mummmmmyyyyyy" at the top of his voice for 10 minutes. I ignored him and he has finally gone to sleep (I think)!It all seems to be attention seeking yet again and it is so hard to deal with when we are tired ourselves.

Mrspurple - Good Luck with the paediatrician. Sounds like you are having a hard time too.I in fact visited my GP this afternoon for a number of reasons but we spent quite some time discussing Ds's behaviour and he has referred me to a child psycologist for an assessment. He thinks it sounds like A.D.D which is quite upsetting.
He has also referred me to a clinic that specialises in therapy for families with this kind of problem. It is a 3 month waiting list but therapy is supposed to be excellant and also free I am waiting to hear back from psycologist as to when my appt is. I already feel somewhat relieved that I have finally acted on this.

what i am saying is thta i think this is what boys are like - they need to go mad (some of them) and get that aggression out of their system. I just let him have a rant and a rave now and within 10 mins or so he is calm again (I ignore him )

Thanks chocciedooby. Let me know about therapy, I'd do anything to help the situation. One thing I have noticed (and been asked by the health visitor), my DD2 doesn't notice when I get upset, she fails to notice emotion and often laughs when I'm telling her off? The daytime sleeps before xmas were a worry but now dropped and everything got twice as bad (which I didn't think was possible)

I was also asked if DD2 played make believe and had make believe friends. I know role play is common, but she plays out each role, so well, I often run to her when I think she's crying (same as when she really hurts herself),to find she's pretending to be a baby and then within seconds she's the mummy. This behaviour in itself isn't worrying, but when she doesn't want to play with me etc and prefers playing on her own I get worried.

Have looked at symptoms of ADD and nowhere does it mention tantrums. The only link I could see is if a tantrum is caused by frustration? Autism does mention tantums?

I really hope my DD2 has nothing wrong, but I've got to the stage where I'm grasping at straws to find a reason, so I can fix it .

If she had autism you would notice other things and not just tantrums (massive tho they are) (my DS2 has severe autism). Lack of imagination, role playing, obsessional behaviour, lack of social cues being recognised, lack of social awareness etc

check out www.nas.org.uk if you are worried re autism.

Thanks, After reading that I doubt my DD2 has autism, although a few of symptoms do ring true. I've been looking at ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), but I think as said before I just want answers and to fix my lovely DD2, because when she's not showing the behaviuor problems she is adoreable. (although this good behaviour is getting less and less)

girls have you read 'raising your spirited child'? i hate to sound like a broken record bcs i ALWAYS trot this out on such threads, so sorry to bore any of you again on this one. but many mums on MN have found it really useful. my DD nearly broke my spirit between the ages of 3 and 6! i used to cry myself to sleep sometimes, dreading the next morning (and i am a fairly strong personality in my own right!) - tantrums, volatility, negativity, lack of self-confidence, delayed social skills etc - and, yes, always no problem at school , familiar scenario!!
'spirited child' explains how kids who seem MORE of everything (more intense, more persistent, more sensitive, more IN YOUR FACE! etc) work. it was a real eye-opener for me. oh - and at 7, DD is a different child. much more content, confident and HAPPY. still BLOODY stroppy at times, mind, but when i look back to three years ago when i virtually lost the will to live(!) there is a massive improvement. there is hope! the passing of time has made a huge, huge difference. still feels her emotions incredibly strongly, but finally more able to reel them in and keep them under some sort of control. good luck girls.

ps there is a lot of useful info on the 'calling all mums of demanding children' thread - no idea how to do links, sorry

Hi ladies.
Stillenacht - Ds rarely calms down after 10 mins of going wild and having a run out or whatever it may be. He is very different from that. I know boys need to rid of their excess energy and my DS does but his tantrums, aggression etc do not go away that easily and it can take literally hours sometimes. Most times its 30 minutes.

Mrs Purple - I have also been looking at ODD and am convinced that is what DS is dealing with. He has all the sypmtoms anyway.

I have however spoken to DS's old MOntessori teacher who has many years of child care experience under her belt and she said she never had any problems with DS at school apart from when 1 on 1 he would pretend he didn't know answers to questions and would be stubborn. She seemed surprised that I am considering getting him assessed.

Katiek123 - thank you so much for the tip on that book. When I read your post it was like I cold completely connect with what you went through. I am going to get that book and have a look. If DS is just a normal but spirited boy then I need to know how to best deal with him and how to get the best out of him for our whole family's sake. He is a lovely boy and we love him dearly but when his behaviour is bad it is soul destroying.