5 yr old DS is driving me crazy!!!Please help.

[chocciedooby]

I have been concerned with DS's behavious for some time now and I am really getting to the end of my tether. So many behaviorial things to mention but a few are that he is: -

Attention Seeking
Persistant
Stubborn
At times - aggressive
Very fussy eater

The list is endless. He does of course he has many great positive qualities but I really need help as I don't know how much more of this unacceptable behaviour I can take. I am exhausted physically and emotionally, am expecting baby no.3 in June and don't know how I will cope.

One of the things that I find very difficult is that he wants to be in control of EVERYTHING. I stand my ground, don't give in, say NO and stick to it but he continues to throw huge tantrums (sometimes over an hour long), has peed on the floor and in his bed for attention and will go to any lengths to win a battle.

He will not go to sleep in the evenings and constantly calls dh and I upstairs for silly things just to get our attention. I am so concerned that he is not getting enough sleep. His mind seems to be overactive.

I have tried many discipline techniques (in fact about all of them) over the years and nothing seems to work. I am now considering talking to a challenging behaviour therapist and wondered if anyone else out there is dealing with the same problems or has found a therapist of use.

Please please help.

That made me smile on a grey wet day. Hooray for you. That's brilliant. Stick with it Though I still reckon you should take him to a toy shop and choose something he really wants - honestly it so worked for us. If he gets through a week and gets whatever number of stickers you say you can go back and buy the toy. Praise, praise or is that bribery. Makes a huge difference either way. And if he starts feeling good about himself, then he'll keep going after the bribe.

I would love to do that Smee but difficulty there is that DS2 is only 16 months younger than DS1 and it would seem unfair to keep rewarding DS1 with toys each week and not DS2 that is well behaved most of the time.
What do people do in that situation?
I don't want to be buying toys every week for the pair of them and I do feel that they have maybe been a little over indulged already .
I think maybe the best route for me would be to reward with a trip somewhere or swimming, cinema etc. That way we all get to have fun together and DS2 joins in as well.
Another good day here but we have been here before. I can have a couple of good weeks and then it all falls apart. I hate to sound so negative but am just getting myself prepared.
Great day today. Had people over for a play date and he is in great form.
Has 3 stickers already today .

See what you mean chocciedooby, but i didn't mean every week. I just meant for the first full week. We always found that if we got through, the next week even without the bribe still worked. We might have dips, but the cycle had been broken and he knew he could do it. Howabout you agree with him a secret family treat which you'll do if he gets so many stickers. Then you can tell his little brother that DS1 earned it for him? They both get the treat, but DS1 gets lots of praise and knows it's down to him.

Smee thats a good idea. Thank you so much for your support and for taking an interest.

DS was great at bedtime last night and dh was home for the bedtime routine for the first time in 2 weeks. He took care of DS1 and everything went great but DS1 didn't getr to sleep until about 9.15pm again. It puzzles me how he can go so long before falling asleep. He gets exercise every day, was at school, in the garden etc. I am feeling tired before he is!!!

He didn't want to get up this morning (nothing out of the ordinary for kids) so it was a bit of a struggle. He came down the stairs ok but refused to dress himself. He was testing me for a reaction.
I remained calm but it took a LONG time and a lot of fuss for him to get dressed and he was fighting a tantrum the whole time. He was hanging off of me, pulling on me and a couple of times came at me with a light hit. I ignored him and started to put his clothes into a bag and said we would go to school as he was (naked!). In the end he dressed himself with some help with buttons etc but he moaned the entire time.

By the time he was done it was getting very late and then he demanded breakfast. I did let him have cereal as hate to see them go off hungry but boy did he take his time and we were 10 minutes late for school.

He also had a tantrum in the car as he wanted a particular book. I said it was too late and he has already been told to get anything he needed beforehand. He treis to start fights about anything.
I ignored the tantrum and then he upped the anti and removed his seatbelt. I got out, fastened it.He did got out again. Pulled over again. Fastened it. Tantrum over.

All exhausting stuff before 8.30 in the morning!

Sounds like you need a medal. So hard to keep your temper when they're like that. We have the same problem, as DS has an uncanny talent for staying awake absurdly late. In despair I've been posting on another thread about that exact issue. What's good surely thuogh is that you say he was trying not to tantrum at one point. IMO, it's hard to see it as normal bad behaviour when they're that tired. Why not head him off at the pass when you pick him up. I do this all the time. Think of a treat - doesn't have to be materialistic. for eg, tell him as it's Friday you're going to do a special picnic tea and that he and his little brother can eat it in whatever room he chooses. We did that the other night and had a duvet hooked up for a den, which we ate underneath - all his idea, and though it gave me a crick in my neck it was fun and got me to bedtime without a problem. Absolutely essential though is a large glass of wine for you as soon as he's in bed..

Yes a bloody huge medal!!!!

Just one big problem with the wine smee ....I am pregnant!

I am finding all of this so stressful and am not really getting the chance to enjoy my pregnancy. I am always tired which does not help the issues but I am trying so hard to be calm and "be the adult".

A glass of wine sounds yum and I would love a few tbh but sadly can't

What advice are you being given on the sleep issues? DS has been great going to bed the last few nights but he just simply cannot switch off.

Damn on the wine front - how annoying - though congrats on the pregnancy. How far along are you?
Nobody seems to have any answers to the sleep problem. Tbh, we've always had this. Right from day one, sleep was something he was useless at. He's only just started in reception and though he's enjoying it is exhausted. Still this week he's been asleep: Mon 10/ Tues 9.30/ Wed 9/ Thurs 9.30. I wouldn't mind if he didn't need the sleep, but he does. He's in bed by 7.30, and happy to be there. I haven't a clue how or why he stays awake.

• ok, so failing wine, then it has to be chocolate. + not for-the-sake-of-it chocolate, but truly great chocolate. Green & Black Raisin & Hazlenut is my current favourite

You are very naughty!

I have been eating a bit of chocolate now and then as I need some comfort but I am also having to be careful as I don't want to end up like the beached whale I became in my first pregnancy

(she heads off to buy large bar of Green & Blacks......).

How old is your DS? Those sleep times are similar to my DS's. At least he is happy to be in bed at 7.30pm and doesn't give you any trouble. I was looking at getting an audio book for DS but decided against it for the time being as I think he is too young and it may make him stay awake even later.

We have a babysitter organised for tomorrow night so I will get a break

DS is 4.5. He stays in bed, but calls out every five minutes or so which drives me mad. I let him have an audio book sometimes, though only ever the same one - he knows it backwards, so I don't think it keeps him awake. It stops him calling out, as I say if he does call out I'll switch it off. Gives me a whole half hour of not going up and down the stairs. If he's still awake after the audio book, I end up sitting reading a book on the landing outside his room. He quite likes that as he can see me. I don't mind it, as at least I can read or do some work. Deal there is if he tries to talk to me, I go. If it gets to that stage, I stay until he finally drifts off. By which time I am starving...!

You are having the same bedtimes as me then!
I have been laying on my bed reading magazines etc and then if he calls I can go in instead of puffing and panting up and down the stairs. I have askeed him not to call me and I point to his wall clock and tell him I will be back to check on him at such and such a time (normally 20 mins). He sits in bed doing puzzle books and colouring!?! Eventually he doezes off. I would love to get inside their little heads to find out what is going on.

So weird our small boys, aren't they. Am not sure I want to see what's in mine's head

I reckon theres a few 6's in my boys!!!!

Hows it going tonight Smee?

I have had quite a draining day and feel completely frazzled now. Haven't felt well most of the afternoon so really struggling as I know that I need a rest. DS1 is still awake and calling us. DH won't stay upstairs as he is watching a soccer match. I on the other hand had gone up a few times in between trying to eat a very floppy and quite grim re-heated takeaway pizza.

I am not feeling very strong this evening and feel that if I am ion the house, the task is mine...sorry for the rant.

Choc what happens after tea? Do you have a set routine.
We do
dinner 1715-1750ish, baths, dd1 comes down for half an hour and has her drink, dd2 goes to bed, dd1 can do jigsaws or have a story/quiet activity.
With regards him doing stuff, can you remove things? Put the offending items into ds2 room, so he can't do them?
Could you threaten to put both boys in the same room and make a playroom in the other bedroom so no distractions?

We also have a timer on a lamp (plug in one with a remote control that you can operate from outside the bedroom without opening the door)When its time to go to sleep we turn it off without going in and tell her the bulb has gone Take the main light bulb out and hay presto no light to play!

PS put some heavy furniture infront of the plug socket so no tampering!

PS put some heavy furniture infront of the plug socket so no tampering!

Dillydaydreamer you are gas!
We have tea around the same time as you do and after that its play for a while, jugsaws etc. Can be difficult as dh gets in from work just as I have kids calm and bathed for bed or whatever and as soon as they hear the key in the door they are all excited to see him and go bananas wanting to play.DH also wants to play with them which is hard becuase he misses them during the day etc. This isn't the case all the time but it does happen.
Normally we put both boys to bed at the same time. They get their stories and are tucked in, given big hugs and kisses and we say goodnight. DS2 normally falls asleep within minutes but DS1 can'r switch off. We have tried taking him up to bed at a later time but it doesn't make any difference. He still stays awake.If I move his puzzle books etc he will find something else to do, like come down the stairs etc. The problem is switching off his mind.
If I threaten to put the boys in together they would be over the moon . They love sharing when on holiday etc but don't sleep til 11pm!
I like the idea of the lamp. Where do you get the timer that can be controlled outside of the room? I do thing that we are going to have to learn to live with this for a while and hopefully DS will grow out of it. I am planning to get him involved in soccer and other sporting activites in the hope that we can tire him out more Roll on the summer.

Hi Choccie - last night was 9.30pm, but I sat outside his room with a large glass of wine and a good book, so it felt okay in a not okay sort of way. DH was at the pub. Get something nicer for your food tonight - that pizza sounded nowhere near nice enough to compensate for an evening lost..

Hi Chocciedooby

It sounds like you've had a tough week! Been reading the thread and noticed a number of similarities with my DD2. As we've been on hols so doing all nice things not has as many tantrums etc. Been going to bed alot later as well, so DD2 throughly exhauted, so that hurdle went out the way.

Alot of things people have suggested I have tried already, e.g hugs rather than telling DD2 off. My problem is DD2 is so aggressive and just won't calm down, her speech also goes so can't understand her.

Although my hols haven't been to bad, my DH and myself have noticed that DD2 is very clumsy. She is covered in bruises from walking into things, falling over etc.

The worst day (which I'm still having nightmares about thinking of what could have happened), she walked straight into the hand rail and the swimming pool, also fell over quite hard twice and fell off a wall backwards. The wall incident was where my DH was holding her, we don't know what really happened, but I can't stop thinking about she could have had serious head injury (she hasn't), she has calmed down since incident though .

how's things been today?

Hi everyone.
DH and I went out for dinner last night so food was a huge improvement on the cold floppy pizza! We did however get a call from the babysitter just as we had been served with our starters. DS2 had hurt his chin and was quite shocked. It was bleeding.... Nothing serious though thank goodness but we found it hard to completely relax knowing he had hurt himself. OUr babysitter is great and dealt with it very well and he ended up calm, not sore and went to bed
Babysitter said that DS1 went to sleep before 9pm! NOt sure if this is entirely true though as she had not been up to switch his lamp off etc so would not really know exact time. He didn't call her up the stairs....must just do it to us! It was so good to get a break from it all.

Mrs purple it sounds like you had an interesting holiday. I hope it was fun despite the accidents

DH and I have managed to calm ds1 down a few times now by just talking to him. Some times it is hard as we are tired and frazzled etc but it seems to be working. The issue gets resolved within minutes whereas whenever we resort to the TIME OUT in the utility room or wherever ds would get angrier by the second and it could go on for over an hour. It is definately worth persisting with. If your DD is vety agressive then that makes it all very difficult as she obviously won't be open to listening. It sounds like she does need some time out. Have you tried ignoring her when she starts a tantrum?

I do think some kids are just more accident prone than others but if you were concerned about her then maybe talk to your GP or local heath visitor.

DS is coming on in leaps and bounds. I did have a tough time with him on Friday morning, refusing to get dressed etc and he didn't earn any stickers but the afternoon went great.

He is bound to keep testing me and the new system.

hi choccie

Have tried ignoring just makes her worse and she lashes out at anything, so scared she will hurt herself.

Have a list re clumsiness for paediatrician. Although since she had bad fall not as many tantrums? Mind you DH has been off, he's back in work tomorrow so fingers crossed

Glad to see your DS is improving

Hi Mrspurple. Its so heartbreaking isn't it when you try everything and they just cant seem to calm down. Its very stressful for you both. I hope the paediatrician can offer some help with the accidents.
It could well be just a clumsy phase that will go away so best of luck.

DS been great today. Had a few occasions when he wanted something and was told no.Close to triggering a tantrum but didn't quite get there (phew)!.

Bedtime went quite well as well. Bathed etc so nice and relaxed after a busy day out at a birthday party.

He is still awake but quietly doing his puzzles. I am hoping he will get bored of doing them and eventually give them up at bedtime. He just loves dot to dot!!!!

I have resorted to bribery tonight tbh. I am trying so hard to break the cycle he has gotten into re: calling us up stairs etc. He is mad into jigsaws so I bought a bumper box of them yesterday that he is going crazy for and told him if he was good tonight and didn't call us etc (unless absolutely necessary) that he could have one of the puzzles tomorrow after school.
So far so good.

Hi choc the infra red remote control thing we have is from the Ace catalogue and was origionally for xmas tree lights, so you don't need to struggle to the socket .
DD1 also has a high sleeper bed and doesn't like climbing down in the pitch black . Although this has had the wrong effect on night time toilet training but she is only 3 so hopefully will become more confident with age. She has been up not long after going to bed to the loo but seems incapable in the middle of the night

Mrs Purple I would get your dds eyes checked/ ears as it could be a balance problem as well.