How do I stop smacking?

[2ashamed]

I know this is a controversial subject, and I have changed my name because I am so ashamed of myself

I was smacked as a child, though not excessively, but because I have a terrible temper, I swore I would never smack my children. I am really anti-smacking, but I don't want this to dissolve into a debate about the pros and cons. I genuinely want advice.

I just find that I react, not often - usually when I'm tired or flustered. And I hate myself when I do it. It's just that this is what my role-models did and I'm finding it very difficult to break away from that. I know I am the only one responsible for my actions, and 99% of the time I can take a deep breath and pause before reacting. But how can I avoid just reacting the rest of the time??? Any ideas, please?

Actually I sent them upstairs while I cleaned up. I forgot to say that earlier in the day my dd1 had put her foot through the speaker in the car. That went down really well.

My kids are 5, 3 and 22 months. I did treat myself to a drink last night, I have been trying to lay off the booze a bit in honour of ghengis and pinetree.

Had a much better day today and I'm feeling quite positive again. I guess I felt I had let myself down, because I was counting the days since I last lost the plot. Now I have to start at 1 again. I think I'm a bit pre menstrual at the moment and I don't think that helped. Not that it's an excuse.

How are you getting on 2ashamed? I'm sorry I've hijacked your thread.

How are things now 2ashamed?

I'm not having a very good day. I think my ds is probably the most miserable kid I've ever met. He is whining and crying constantly, it is driving me mad. I'm starting to think there is something wrong with him.

BM, what works for me when ds is whiny is a/food and drink - he doesnt' realise he is thirsty often but it improves him so much to get a bit of water or milk into him. b/really concentrating on him for a while. Sit and read a book with him on my lap and talk c/go out - anywhere! d/if all else fails sit together on the sofa and give him chocolate milk! I find that if I let his whining get me annoyed I am less able to do the things that stop it so it becomes a vicious circle.

Thanks Aloha. The day went from bad to worse really, although I didn't smack anyone.

I am feeling pretty hopeless at the moment, I just don't seem to be able to cope with my kids. I rang dh earlier and told him that if something didn't change I would ring SS and tell them to take them away. This obviously isn't what I want, but I'm at my wits end.

They fight constantly, back chat, ignore me, etc etc. I know a lot of this is just normal child behaviour but they just seem so uncontrollable, I can't handle it.

One of my friends has suggested putting my youngest into nursery so that I get a bit of time on my own. I am a bit tempted but I feel like I will have failed in some way. I should be able to look after my kids myself.

Sorry for such a negative post but thats the way I feel. I also feel bad that I've told the kids I've had enough of them and that if they don't like living with me, they can go somewhere else.

BM, two things strike me immediately. The first is that you really do sound depressed. I think you should see your doctor and explain how down you are. Your Gp may be able to help. YOu can't go on feeling this bad about yourself and your children. It's not fair on any of you. The second is that it is no shame to send a child to nursery. It is a big myth that 'perfect' mothers manage their children all by themselves. Throughout the world and throughout history children have been raised as a communal enterprise, either by extended families, paid help or in tribal societies. The idea that you raise them entirely alone is, I think, unnatural and bad for women. Children do not get damaged by time in other situations. I agree it might help you.
Also talk to your HV and ask about parenting courses that might help and support you in making different choices about how you raise your children. I really sense you are struggling and it sounds as if you are very unhappy and feeling pretty bleak. I think maybe you also need more in your life. Do you work at all outside the home? I wish you well.

Bm I've just started posting and am browsing a few threads - how are you? Your comment about ringing your husband at work struck a chord because I used to phone my dh at work on a regular basis, in tears feeling unable to cope. I felt really isolated where we lived and also pretty bored being at home although reluctant to leave the kids. I can look back at it all now and wonder how i got through it - we've moved, my dh now works at home and is able to help loads more, Ive had a much wanted fourth baby(long story) and am starting a part time job next week -but I really feel for you- sometimes I just felt like walking out of the house. And I still lose it with the kids, and feel terrible but not as much because the stress of feeling alone and unsupported has eased so much. Please consider having some time to yourself and being a bit selfish - 3 kids under 5 can be hell - I know because I've been there (nearly - ds 1 was 5 when my 3rd baby was born.)You probably need a bit more mental stimulation and a bit less drudgery. Looking back on it now I really wish I'd gone back to work part time or insisted we move earlier or something just so as not to be so miserable - looked after myself a bit more so I could look after them better- I really understand that now. Anyway I just wanted to let you know that others have felt the way you feel.

Hi Ursula

Thanks for your message. Things aren't going that great really. My 5 yo is really pushing me all the time, and my 3 yo tends to scream a lot.

I don't seem to have any patience and it does make me feel crap, but I can't seem to get on top of it.

My 5 yo dd had 3 friends round to play today, they nearly killed our new kitten and have totally broken her bed. I just feel so frustrated I don't know what to do. Nothing I do, seems to make any difference.

I have managed to get my youngest 2 into nursery one day a week. They both seemed to enjoy it so hopefully that will start to make a bit of difference.

(Had to change my username as I forgot my password)

Message withdrawn

as my ds1 and 2 are autistic smacking has little effect- i often 'joke' that my eldest has such a high pain threshhold that someone could hit him with an iron bar and he wouldn't feel it- obviously its not quite that simple but i hope you see what i mean-Autistic kids also seem to be very unaware that their actions were wrong or of the feelings their 'naughtiness' cause others (mine rarely apologise)whereas my 4 yr old will start to cry even when i shout and will say 'your making me sad mummy'- yet after a terrible day yesterday where i was at the end of my thether and had dealt with several 'episodes' between my ds2 (the most autistic) and ds3 (4yr) and by the time i went to bed i couldn't switch off... and not for the 1st time i 'dreamt' i was trying to smack my boys but my hand keeps missing- that disturbs me.

BM1 -hang in there. It's really good that the 2 youngest are going to nursery - is your other child at school? Use the time to do something for you - not clear up. It's really hard being at home with little ones - borne home this week a I've started work after 8 yrs at home - so quiet - so peaceful - yet you get paronised for being a SAHM! It's harder than anything else I've ever done by an uncomputable amount. Keep posting.

I hope no one minds me bringing this discussion back up to the top but I'm having a really awful day.

This sounds really terrible, but at the moment I just feel like I hate my kids. I just can't handle them at the moment. They have been fighting constantly the last couple of days, really spiteful nasty stuff. Ds tends to fight with his older and younger sisters. Dd2 has just pinched me really hard for taking something away from her and keeps biting as well.

The eldest 2 just ignore me all the time, it doesn't matter what I say, they just do as they please. I am sick to death of it but nothing seems to make any difference. My dd1 winds up ds constantly and then he screams continuously.

Unfortunately I have just slapped dd1 really hard because I just snapped.

Now I feel like shit and full of self loathing about the bloody mess I am making of everything. I feel like getting up and walking out and never coming back. I just can't do it anymore.

Sorry if I sound self pitying but I'm reaching the end of the road.

Have you spoken to your HV or Gp about parenting classes? They aren't just for desperate cases! I'm serious. I think it could make a real difference to you and your family. You can't go on like this, you sound so unhappy. Please ask someone for help, there's no shame in it.

Dear Badmum, I agree with Aloha, please ask for some help, so sound so down about this.
Have you tried ParentLine Plus at all? They are very supportive and everything is completely confidential. The phone no. is 0808 800 2222. They also have a website - parent line .

badmum, sorry to hear you feel so awful. I hope that parentline number is useful. It really sounds like you need to talk to a human voice on the end of a phone right now. Any chance of getting some time alone? probably not.

Are you feeling very tired today? (silly question probably if you have 3 under 5s). If so, any chance of an early night? When I'm tired I get much more on edge with my children and more upset at myself, and depressed. I'm not suggesting this is all there is to your angst, but extra rest might help a little.

Hi BM (you are not a badmum, so I'd rather not use that anymore), I just wanted to come back to see how the rest of your day went, you've been on my mind this afternoon. I hope, as Tigermoth suggested, you've been able to get some rest and maybe an early night and that tomorrow is a happier day for you, and if it's OK, I'd like to pray for you and your family? Hope you've been able to speak to someone today ... thinking of you.

Hi Jodee and everyone else that replied. I had a look at the Parentline site as suggested. Unfortunately none of the courses they run are near enough to me, but I did print off some of their literature on discipline.

I have tried to speak to my HV in the past about how I feel but they never seem to realise how desperate I can get. My mil seems to think I shouldn't tell people about how I feel or SS will end up getting involved. But at the same time, she doesn't offer me any help. Talking on here is so much easier than saying out loud how I'm really feeling.

Do you think that some people just aren't cut out to be parents? I just don't think I'm any good at it. Although I do shout at my children a lot, they also get told I love them a lot and they get lots of cuddles. It's just that most of the time they are totally obnoxious. Perhaps they're not though, perhaps its just me and I don't get kids. I feel a bit like that man off of wife swap who said that the sound of kids enjoying themselves was just noise (or something along those lines).

There seem to be problems with all 3 of them and I'm at a loss of what to tackle first. I keep thinking about history repeating itself and even now I can hear my dd1 saying stuff that I say and bossing her younger siblings around. I just wonder what sort of miserable life I'm setting up for my grandchildren, as well as my kids.

It's half term this week and I'm dreading it. I'd love to be able to take them out and do things but I just know it would be really stressful, I'll probably stay in most of the week and feel like I'm losing the will to live.

Sorry for the rambling post again. Dh is stressed at work and doesn't really want to hear me wittering on when he gets home.

don't worry about social services! They are far too busy to worry about good loving mothers who just want to do the best for their children. Talk to your GP maybe and say you very much want to 'anticipate' problems with discipline with such full-on children, that you don't want to go down the smacking route and that you very much want to find out about parenting classes to give you some tips, and that this is very important to you. You must push on this. Call Parentline too - even if their courses aren't in your area they may well be able to give you tips as to what does exist in your area. I also agree, work can be a saviour. I worship my son to an embarassing degree, but I also know that working, having only one child and having a totally hands-on partner makes that easy for me.

Just wanted to echo the support from others here; it can be really tough when they are very young, and you are very tired. And some children are just harder work than others.

Also I agree with ks - this phase will pass.

BM sorry to hear that things aren't great.

Had similar feelings re not liking my 2 yo ds recently - he just seemed to try to push me all the time and having another baby 5 mo very tired - it seemed to work alot of the time! I really felt like someone had swapped my child for some spawn of the devil!!

We had a bit of a breakthrough when we went away to stay with mil for a week. I got a bit of a rest and ds1 got some 1-on-1 time with me. I saw my lovely little boy again and things got back on track. Could you perhaps ask your mil for help? Or a friend? It's always easier when there are more adults around.... and it really sounds as though you could do with a good talk to someone who cares. Are you sure dh doesn't want to listen?

With half term coming up are there any kids clubs or holiday activities that you could use to have a bit of a breather or to have some fun with the children?

One of the best books I read on parenting (called "Pyjamas don't matter" but I think it's out of print - I borrowed an old and dogeared copy from an older friend) really stressed that you can only do your best with what each day brings and that feeling guilty when you don't do as well as you feel you should doesn't help.

Good luck - keep at it

Hi BM, hope you can get through to someone on the phone at Parentline, even if there are no courses in your area I'm sure it would really help to speak to someone, you could do with a sympathetic ear right now.
Is there no chance you could speak to your DH? Maybe he doesn't realise the stress that you are under too - it's no picnic being at home with 3 under 5, it would try the patience of a saint. I understand he may not be too receptive when he walks in the door straight after work, but how about getting a takeaway and a bottle of wine, and when the kids have gone to bed have a heart to heart.
Another thought, maybe too late as we're already into half-term week - where do you live? Maybe there are other Mumsnetters in your area with kids you could meet up with this week? Just to let them let off steam over the park and you have a natter, would do you the world of good. There's probably other SAHM's at other times who you could meet up with in term time too. Just a thought ...
Thinking of you this week, BM. xx