How do I stop smacking?

[2ashamed]

I know this is a controversial subject, and I have changed my name because I am so ashamed of myself

I was smacked as a child, though not excessively, but because I have a terrible temper, I swore I would never smack my children. I am really anti-smacking, but I don't want this to dissolve into a debate about the pros and cons. I genuinely want advice.

I just find that I react, not often - usually when I'm tired or flustered. And I hate myself when I do it. It's just that this is what my role-models did and I'm finding it very difficult to break away from that. I know I am the only one responsible for my actions, and 99% of the time I can take a deep breath and pause before reacting. But how can I avoid just reacting the rest of the time??? Any ideas, please?

2ashamed - so you're human!! I know exactly what you mean, and I too over-react sometimes. You manage most of the time and feel awful if you slip. Say sorry, and move on. That's what I try to do - so any advise would be useful for me too.

i dont know if this will help but just think that if someone in a shop or at work was really getting on your nerves,would you smack them?i bet not so why smack the people that you love the most?just walk into another room or the garden for some fresh air my children can really push me to the limit but thats what i do

whymummy, that's what I usually do, but there are times when I react before I can manage to stop myself.

Would it help you, 2ashamed, to think hard about why it feels ok to smack? What does it mean, why were you led to believe (as a child) it was ok to be smacked? If I thought about it long enough, I know that I could disect what I was feeling (& thinking) and learn which feelings I didn't want to act on. Knowing what my feelings were would help me recognise them, would help me not act on them. [But not everybody can take the analytical approach...]

There have been moments when I half-felt like slapping my toddler, but I've never acted on it (thank goodness) because I don't have the habit. As much as anything, you've got to break the habit. Which is why next time you manage to hold off, give yourself a pat on the back. You've got to reinforce the good habits.

My problem is occasional wrenching -- when I really lose temper I handle the poor kids very roughly. Eg., stuffing an uncooperative toddler in a puschair with no finesse at all. Not my finest parenting moments, either.

2ashamed I am vehemently anti-smacking having been continuously walloped as a child. I have managed not to smack ds yet who is now 3.5, despite really itching to do it on occasions.
I have found the best way of not doing this is to physically distance myself from ds until I calm down. I know this is not always easy, particularly in public places. However, I have left supermarkets, church, other peoples houses etc and tried to get some distance between us: put him in the car, while I stand outside it that sort of thing.
I often have to do some serious deep breathing and try and force myself to focus on anything other than the dreadful behaviour I have just had to deal with.
If I really cannot help but lose my temper, then I will shout at him because I do think that children do have to know that their bad behaviour will make people angry.
I have had to think hard about other tactics given that I have promised myself I will never hit my children and I think it helps to have various strategies up your sleeve and also to try and see if there are particular times of the day when you are at your most vulnerable. Forewarned is forearmed (or not) and all that stuff.
Good luck

Keep saying to yourself that you love your children and a smack does not make this love any less. If I've ever smacked this is what I've said to myself, anyway. I know my children aren't neglected or unloved. They know it too and that's what really matters. Every day I tell my children that I love them, especially on the days when they have been very trying.

If I've felt like smacking, I've also paused and made the smack a into a verbal threat - as in if you do that you might get a smack. I don't carry the threat out, and it gives me time to find other ways of control.

I think you have asked a very intersting questiona,2ashamed. I also agree with others who say it really helps putting distance between you and your child.

Also can I add, if you feel your temper rising, simplyfying things is a really good tactic. If your child doens't want to go out, ask yourself if the trip is necessary, do you actually want to go or are you doing it without thinking? If the trip can wait, put it off and do something else. If your child doesn't want a bath at bedtime for once, just say OK to keep the peace and give you some extra time. Or if your child refuses supper and wants weetabix - better to give in sometimes if you feel you might snap. Anything for an easy life - you don't have to be a supermother all the time!

2ashamed, I have a terrible temper too. It is easy to lose it with toddlers, just as the NSPCC adverts show, they wind you up all day long, you're tired and exhausted, and sometimes it's just the straw that breaks the camels back. But you are different to your role-models, you don't like doing it and feel guilty when you do. My mum probably wouldn't say now that she was wrong to smack, and she would never feel guilty about it! As you have said, 99.9% of the time you do not resort to smacking. You have already started to break out of the cycle by admitting that it is wrong, and wanting to seek help. Look at the positives of your situation instead of the negatives.

Can you not approach your HV and ask about parenting courses in your area? Also the NSPCC themselves might have a list of local groups, or even your GP. I'm going to find out about them for myself too. Please don't be so hard on yourself. No-one is a perfect mother and by the time our kids reach their teens, you will be to blame for everything that has gone wrong in their lives anyway! Stop punishing yourself for being human, and never be ashamed to admit mistakes. Children need to see that we make mistakes, and that we are sorry too, it helps them to deal with their mistakes.

Good luck.

All kids do things that are frustrating and make us angry. When ever I got so angry that I wanted to hurt my kids because of it, whether they knew they were affecting me that way or not, I would put them in their rooms and I would go outside and breathe, cry or whatever. After a good 30 minutes I was ok and could sit down calmly with them and explain the situation.

Yeah I have smacked them out of frustration and yeah I have been able to dicipline them without smacking, just do the best you can, we aren't perfect.

As a general rule for me I warn first and if they do whever it is again, depending on what it is I will give time out or smack them. I have explained that I hate smacking them that I don't want to smack them, but it is a consequence of their actions. Children need to know there are consequences to actions.

Between both of my children, my eldest responds to a warning of a smack and will usually stop his misbehaving. My youngest son doesn't respond well to a warning of a smack, he does respond to a warning of time out. Children differ in how they process things, just find what works.

I tell my kids that I love them so much, I kiss them and hug them alot. They know they are loved. They are happy young growing boys. even though I have smacked them, they know I love them.

I also just wanted to add, that if you do let loose out of pure frustration you can always explain to your kids and apologise for it, explain what you should have done and explain why you reacted the way you reacted. If children know that parents aren't perfect then they don't expect you to be. Well that has worked for my family. I know this is a controversial subject, but as a parent you just need to figure out where you stand on the matter and then just do the best you can. Yeah some people might have a problem with the fact that I do smack my children, but I just have to do what I believe is the best thing for my family.

It sounds a bit twee to put it this way, but if you can prevent yourself from getting to the situation in which you end up smacking, then it'll be easier to break the cycle of frustration and anger and lashing out. But how do you prevent it, when you don't really know another way of dealing with things? It's very difficult to react differently to your role models. I too was smacked as a child, and while I am not vehemently against smacking, I don't want to do it to my children. Not just because I don't want to hurt them, but also because I feel that losing my temper and self-control in such a way hurts me too. A book I find really helpful is 'How to talk so children will listen, and listen so children will talk' by Mazlish and Faber. It's very American and loveydovey, but it does suggest different ways of talking to chilrden and of thinking about them. Some things are so simple that they can even be applied to toddlers before they can even talk, like not saying 'No', but saying what you want them to do. Just doing that made such a difference, and I found myself saying what I want rather than what I don't want in other parts of my life, and I think it has made me a happier person!

2ashamed, I think there is a lot of useful response here and I know how it feels to want to smack I have almost done it a couple of times but hit my leg instead I think the elastic band one is really good as I often use a pretty hairband myself when I want to remember not to eat so much chocolate(!) and it helps me. The thing that really did it for me though was seeing a friend hit her child and my dd flinched so much at the sight too that I didn't need to hit my leg after that. Sorry not to be of any real use but in my experience the elastic band suggestion might help quickly - good luck

2ashamed, I feel the same away about the way I sometimes shout at my kids. Its a way of relieving the stress I know, but it actually gets me nowhere with my son as he just tells me to 'stop shouting at me mummy!'. Vue embarassment!

Regarding smacking, have you tried slamming your hand on the nearest furniture/floor etc instead of your children? this might relieves your anger without hurting your kids (and mighteven shock them into realising they have gone too far)?

Agree with boyandgirl that different ways of approaching a situation can defuse it before you get to the AAAARGH! stage. Also walking away, or picking up the phone to a friend can help by just breaking the mood. I think we all do things we are ashamed of as parents - grabbing, shouting, or even just plain ignoring or letting them watch tv to give us a break. I hate smacking for the same reason as you, remember it as a kid and remember the feelings of resentment and powerlessness, so made the same decision as you, but I only have the one, so it's easier for me. Don't be too hard on yourself.

2ashamed

I face a similar problem (and I ahve opened another thread on it), in that I didn't want become a parent that shouts as I think it is just as useless as smacking and teaches the child to shout instead of talking, but I still find it difficult sometimes, as you said it's usually when you've had a bad day yourself, you're tired and you lsoe your patience.

I have recently started to make a real effort at being more patient with DD (following also the advice received on mumsnet and a very good book suggested by Aloha).
sO EVERY TIME she is winding me up for some reason, I try all sorts of diversion techniques, then as others have said really whether its actually so important to do what I want to do, then I try and understand WHY she doesn't want to do it, this usually helps me in seeing things the way she sees them, and even though I might insist (if it0s something that really needs doing) I then manage to get on with it without shouting, even through my dd's cries, but she ends up being less upset than she would if I shouted and I don't feel bad about myself, and as a consequence I don't feel resentful toeards DD for putting me in a situation where I behave in a way that I don't like.

I hope this amkes sense, but to amke an example, last night DD didn't want to ahve a bath, but she needed it desperat6ely, I tried gentle persuasion and bathing with mummy, you can wash mummy's hair, let's make bubbles, she still refused. On a bad day I'd start shouting and would put her in the bath kicking and screaming, and the more she fights the m,ore I shout.

Yesterday I told her I know you don't wnat to do this but you really need it, very calm, I put her in the bath and tried to amke it as quickly as possible, and 3 minutes she was clean and I gave her a cuddle and that was it.

I I was a very proud mum (of myself!!!)

I'm not saying it's easy, and I do feel exhausted at the end of the day, as finding ways to avert crisis doesn't come easy to me (very limited imagination), so I ahve to rack my brains really hard, but the more you do it the easier it becomes and it does make life easier....Mind you DD's beahvior has not changed much yet, but her tantrums are shorter because I don't take part in them anymore, and a few are avoided through prevention.

Best of luck and don't be ashamed, we all start with the ebst intentions but we're all human and the fact that we're sorry just proves that we love our children very much!!!!!

I feel the same, I was smacked as a child and to be honest I have no bad memories about it. When I am tierd I have smacked ds before, I feel terrible afterwards and really guilty , and I would explain to him the reason why he was smacked. I would never just smack him and walk off. I haven't smacked him for a long time and he is at the age where he will push me and push me, what tends to work for me and dh is the "I'm going to count to five" and when I begin counting , he may wait till I get to four, but he will react by five. This has worked really well for me and him, because I have child number 2 on the way my hormones are up the spout and my patience is even shorter now.

I do try not to smack, it's a last resort, but there are times when it's unavoidable! For instance when told 3 times not to do something then on the 3rd time "if you do it once more then I will smack" what can you do?

Having done it though I always feel sooo bad after!

I too use the counting to 5 approach and yes it does work. It also gives you time to take a few deep breaths and distance yourself from the situation. Sometimes when you're tired you miss the funny side of something, so when I'm counting I try to view it from an outside persons perspective looking in. I think this has saved many a smack.

My dd has a habit of telling anyone who she speaks to (including the neighbours) if she's had a smack, this also makes me think more before I take radical action.

Smacking is viewed as such a no no these days, especially by non-parents that when you do do it and someone is either witness or told about it you feel that they've got thier mobile out and on the phone to the NSPCC as soon as you're out of ear shot.

Still if it comes down to it every now and then when reason doesn't work and time out is timed out how many other options do you have left?

I so agree with Webmum that it is important to see things from the child's perspective. You sound really upbeat BTW, glad to hear it's going well
Personally, I don't think the 'if you do that again' tactic works at all. I try to react immediately to something or not at all. I don't know what sort of thing your dd does that you smack her for Jenie (or how old she is), but I'd look and see if the issue is really that important first, then if it is (say, biting or hitting another child) then react immediately to the first bite - not the third. But obviously I wouldn't react with a smack, but a brief time out. When he gets older and understands more I will have to think of different strategies.

I have to say though, I do intend to parent without smacking. My stepdaughter has never been smacked either and she's now nearly 12.

webmum/aloha - what was the name of the book ?

My dd is 4 and in my opinion old enough (now) to have the occasional smack, don't get me wrong this is not a daily or even weekly occurance.

I do the reasoning behind the smack with every warning. Some things ie bouncing on beds that's an immediate removal situation but she will do it again as soon as she gets upstairs, then we're into the warnings and sometimes the smack if she's persistant.

I would never smack her whilst I was still angry about it though, which is why I do the counting to 5 and deep breathing as well.

It's The Social Todder published by The Children's Project - IMO best for children from a year to 3ish. Lots of tips for terrible twos.
Janie, not putting you down, but just saying I do think it is avoidable to smack if you really don't want to do it (like I don't). I laugh when ds jumps on the bed though, so I suppose that's a big difference. He was doing it the other day with his 4 year old friend at their house - she taught him!

I laugh off many things but no jumping on the beds is I guess one of my house rules, I consider it to be sooo dangerous and dis-respectful of property this is explained to dd. Yet at the same time as she is 4 and I need to know that I can trust her to go upstairs and not do something that I've just asked her not to do.

Although I do know of other parents who allow their children to jump on beds and that's fine with me just so long as dd doesn't do it. After all for me it's not ok to jump on anything other than a trampoline which dd does have so there is no real reason to jump on a bed.

Wow I guess that bed jumping is a pet hate of mine....

It's interesting though to see what people think of behaviour that warrants a smack. I'm very anti-smacking and i can honestly say that I don't feel my DD has ever done anything that is really "naughty". BUT, she certainly bounces on beds occasionally and plenty of normal toddler stuff.

I agree with Jenie, even though I haven't smacked ds for a long time.It doesn't mean that I won't ever do it again. Aloha some people have more patience than others and I think that sometimes a smack does work. As I have said my mum brought three of us up by herself since I was a year and I am 32 she smacked all of us. Am I socially deranged because of it , no. I remeber once I was smacked for calling my mum "smelly" because she pulled me away from diving into her shopping bag for crisps when she got home from work. I look back and laugh at the situation now. I don't hold anything against her and I think personally that as long as a child is not being severly beaten then it is up to parent whether they smack or not. Who are we to tell in what situation a parent should smack their child. Last time ds was smacked about 8 months ago, I repeatedly asked him to stop slamming the doors and this went on for about five minutes during a tantrum, screaming, door slamming and kicking, he got three warnings and he was smacked. I explained why he was smacked and because I have put the "count to five" situation in place he hasn't been smacked for a long time.