How do I stop smacking?

[2ashamed]

I know this is a controversial subject, and I have changed my name because I am so ashamed of myself

I was smacked as a child, though not excessively, but because I have a terrible temper, I swore I would never smack my children. I am really anti-smacking, but I don't want this to dissolve into a debate about the pros and cons. I genuinely want advice.

I just find that I react, not often - usually when I'm tired or flustered. And I hate myself when I do it. It's just that this is what my role-models did and I'm finding it very difficult to break away from that. I know I am the only one responsible for my actions, and 99% of the time I can take a deep breath and pause before reacting. But how can I avoid just reacting the rest of the time??? Any ideas, please?

I feel exactly like Marialuisa. I am often very surprised by what people think is a 'smacking' offence. If you believe smacking is OK in principle, then that is your choice and your decision, what I don't agree with is the statment that smacking is ever 'unavoidable'. There are other ways, if you want to use them IMO.

Also, I think this thread shows a lot of people aren't happy with smacking even if they do it occasionally. Nobody here is abusing their kids, or doesn't love them, and that's certainly not what I was saying, just that I think most people feel happier if they can find a way to parent without smacking. I know I do. I don't like shouting either, which I sometimes do, but don't like myself for.

I have smacked ds, rarely, but still feel guilty. I am getting better at different techniques at distraction etc. I can recommend "How To Listen So Your Kids Will Talk, and Talk So Your Kids Will Listen" (or is it the other way around?!) I forget the author and the books are still in boxes, lol.

A couple of times I have calmly smacked after a warning which I feel was justified. It wasn't because I'd lost my temper more lost imagination on how else to deal with it. It was repeated kicking of me while I was changing his bottom (he knew it was wrong and it wasn't light kicks, it hurt). I gave him a tap on his bottom which was shock more than anything else and it stopped him for a while. Later on, I had a flash of inspiration and gave him the option of having his bottom wiped or having it washed in the shower (he hates the shower). He said "shower" thinking I wouldn't carry it through but I did, and he hardly ever acts up now during a nappy change!

I've found options work really well with ds actually. Instead of telling him he's going for a bath - "would you like to play with your whales or your boats in the bath?" or "would you like your hair washed now or after we've washed your tummy?" - seems to avoid some of the tantrums at least.

Biggest problem still is at the end of a long day when you end up with a sense of humour and imagination bypass though...

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Do you smack your boss? Do you smack your friends? Your husband? Probably not! Well, why smack your child? Somebody should give you smackers out there a good smack!

So many people say "Oh I was smacked as a child and it never did me any harm". Well, clearly it did if you smack your own kids!

erh..isn't that passing the buck? as a non smacker you're saying someone else should smack the smackers. So aren't you condoning smacking, sort of?

Fairymum if you read my thread, I haven't smacked my child in 8 months, and he has only been smacked about 4 times before then. We have a good way of difusing the situation now which works well for us but maybe not others. Being smacked as a child really doesn't bother me at all, I would never dream of holding it against my mum. My dad never smacked us, but I have more respect for my mother than my father. And she was the smacker!

At least I think it would be a smack which would serve a purpose. A smack is humiliating and hurtful for a child. The child probably wouldn't smack you back, but perhaps it is time the smackers get a taste of their own medicine ? I don't condone smacking, but I rather smack an adult than a child. At least, in most cases, the adult can defend themselves or walk away and never talk to you again.

I grew up in Sweden and here it would be totally unacceptable to smack a child. In fact, Britich parents have a bad reputation for smacking their children. I am always shocked and digusted when I spot parents shouting at their kids in the supermarket and sometimes slapping them.

Moosh, I am writing generally. Even I can understand the occasional smack, eventhough I think it is wrong. I have shouted at my son on 2 occasions, so I am human too.I believe shouting is almost as bad as smacking. However, I don't agree with the people who think smacking is okey as part of discipline. I believe it can happen and if it happenss we should apologise to our children.

I also don't think it is very interesting when people tell me how they were smacked as kids and it didn't affect them. I am sure it is true for you, but untrue for many others.

just wondering if shopping in a swedish supermarket is simply a less stressful experience than shopping in a Bitish one, but then I remember IKEA ......

KS as I said it's one of my pet hates and a house rule not to jump on beds. Would your ds face still look happy when his bumped his head on the floor? Or broken an arm? Would you not feel like a bad parent for letting him do it as you sit in A&E and the drs say "so he fell off the bed did he?".

I'm not saying that parents who let their kids jump on beds are bad parents it's just how you would feel sitting in A&E. I guess that it's just the whole if only I hadn't..... saga.

As I also said dd has the proper euipment for bouncing on safely so there is no reason not to use it. And it is more about the being told no and given the reasoning behind it and then persisting on doing as dd wishes, just because she's out of sight.

I think that every parent has one pet hate that drives them mad when their children do it, for some it's slamming doors which again is dangerous not just to the child but to others.

I'd be interested to know what other parents had as their pet hates.

I didn't say that anyone was neglectful! I only said that it wasn't something that I was willing to tolerate in my house mainly because of the danger involved but also because I feel that it's dis-respectful to property. I don't even let dd jump on the sofa. Or stand on it for that matter.

I'd be sooo embaressed if we went to visit a friend and no sooner had we got there than she was bouncing on their furniture, for children it can be hard to understand that what's ok at home isn't ok anywhere else. Although in this instance it isn't ok even at home.

I should imagen that at 6 he has more options open to him on how to damage himself than a 4 but in all of the things you've mentioned he is supervised by atleast one adult, the other point I was making was that dd was going upstairs on her own to do it.

Dd goes horse riding she could damage herself 101 ways doing that but I do understand that like Judo and swimming it's something that she needs to do so I take her and cross my fingers and toes.

Have to confess that it never occurred to me that DD and DS's frequent bed bouncing could be seen as a no no. My only problem is that I frequently find DH manically jumping up and down with them - now that can't be good for the mattress.

ds LOVES bouncing on our bed, as do dh and I. It's good fun!

There are far more serious issues to get wound up about IMO.

dd is to small to bounce on our bed. So I lie her on it and bounce on all fours crouched over her. She loves it. (and so do I)
I strongly subscribe to the "pick your battles carefully" school of toddler taming. But different people have different things that are important to them.

At risk of blowing this up, I really, honestly don't get the idea of being 'disrespectful to property'. What do you mean? How can I respect a sofa
If I expected my ds to respect furniture (rather than simply not deliberately damage it) I would really have my work cut out.
I really value a happy, relaxed atmosphere at home much,much more than I value the furniture!

I don't mind ds jumping on the bed with his cousin, dh moans now as the bed is beginning to squeak a bit, but he says it is nothing too bad a drill can fix it. My only pet hate for ds is the fact that he delibrately doesn't wipe his "winkle" after using the toilet and I have to chase him round the house with babywipe in hand to wipe him. It is annoying, but quite funny if you can picture the chase!!

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for me the trick is be relaxed about bedjumping etc at home while somehow making sure my sons understand such freedoms is not automatic when we visit other houses. Getting the concept of house rules into their heads is such a battle when they are younger. I have to reign in the youngest so much when we visit the grandparents, tension time all round.

At home I would not smack for sofa jumping, but when we are at the inlaws, perhaps I would ( I haven't yet).Then I'd get irritated with myself for forcing my sons to comply with house rules I do not follow at home. And also feel guilty that my inlaws, who are really kind, are getting a rough deal due to my relaxed attitide. A no win situation.

I must admit I have occasionally smacked my DS - usually when he has been in mid-tantrum and out of control (usually sitting in his car seat kicking me and the gear stick becuase I've dared to go home a different way!). His out-of-control-ness has transferred itself to me in these situations I think.

I also shout far too much and have said terrible things to my DS in anger, of which I'm deeply ashamed. I always apologise and explain to him why I did it (tiredness nearly always).

I fervently hope that DS gets enough happy loving moments to outweight these bad times, and I make an effort to be loving and affectionate with him as much as I can. Most days I don't have to try too hard on this one.

Although I don't defend the "lost it" school of smacking, I find the controlled approach to smacking much worse somehow - there's something really chilling about a parent who says "if you do that again I'll smack you".

Ok then what I mean is would it be ok to jump on the bonnet of a car? No I don't think so, would it be ok to jump on your lap top? No I don't think so, Would it be ok to jump on your neighbours new suite? No I don't think so.

Dd does have a trampoline that's ok to jump on so it's not as though she's missing out in that area of development.

Perhaps I take the rule to an extreme but that is my choice, maybe I'm paranoide of an avoidable accident (that may or may not be serious) but once again that would be my choice.

Although I'm interested to know how you put across the it's ok to do that here but not anywhere else rule? And do you use that rule for other things or just leaping on furniture?

I chose my childminder for many various qualities but she also has a strict rule of no bouncing on furniture. That was important to me when choosing.

I know that she asked one child's parents to stop bringing him because he just wouldn't / couldn't stop bouncing on her furniture, from sofa to beds to dining chairs the boy bounced. Extreme maybe but socially unacceptable behaviour should be dealt with in the home not taken to other peoples.

That's just my opinion. And yes I know that there are worse things to worry about.

Well, hopefully it will soon be everyone's business to regulate such behaviour Bloss. Hopefully they will introduce laws against smacking children very soon.

Another point is that I don't want my son to smack other children. How do you explain to a child that smacking is bad when mummy does it?

I honestly cannot think of any situation when it is acceptable to smack my child. What makes you so angry ? What makes you loose control with a tiny child so much that you want to humiliate them and hurt them in that way ? I could never understand it.