Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Original poster

How do I stop smacking?

199 replies

2ashamed · 12/03/2003 23:06

I know this is a controversial subject, and I have changed my name because I am so ashamed of myself

I was smacked as a child, though not excessively, but because I have a terrible temper, I swore I would never smack my children. I am really anti-smacking, but I don't want this to dissolve into a debate about the pros and cons. I genuinely want advice.

I just find that I react, not often - usually when I'm tired or flustered. And I hate myself when I do it. It's just that this is what my role-models did and I'm finding it very difficult to break away from that. I know I am the only one responsible for my actions, and 99% of the time I can take a deep breath and pause before reacting. But how can I avoid just reacting the rest of the time??? Any ideas, please?

OP posts:
badmum · 18/08/2003 20:24

Hi arnold, thanks for asking.

I decided to take them out yesterday in the end, we went to a local playing field where they can run for miles and not get into any trouble. I took my friend and her 2 ds's and we had a nice day. A bit of whinging but nothing too bad.

Today has been pretty good as well. I've had a few extra kids here and that took the pressure off a bit, they tend to entertain themselves.

I'm trying not to get annoyed and shout and I'm doing ok at the moment. I just hope it lasts.

aloha · 18/08/2003 20:50

Of course it will last! And sometimes it won't. That's what parenting is all about IMO. I think the habit of apologising if you go over the top is a good one that helps you both feel better. Keep getting out, taking those deep breaths and lower those expectations! Good luck

bloss · 19/08/2003 00:49

Message withdrawn

noodlekanoodle · 21/08/2003 01:53

Smacking should be made illegal hey. Hmmm So as a parent I can't make up my own mind on how I think it would be best to discipline my children. Both my children know that smacking is a consequence of actions, not because I hate them, and certainly not because I am a bad mother.

I will continue to do the best I can, I am not perfect, but don't tell me I am a bad mum because I smack. One smack on the bum or hand does not constitute a beating or abuse. I think that yelling at your kids is probably worse than a smack. I have yelled at my kids too out of sheer frustration and that hurts them more than a smack. So while we are making it illegal to smack our children, lets make it illegal to yell at them too.

It is wrong to beat a child and if I ever saw that happen I would say something. I don't beat my kids. I can see the bad in not smacking. Kids are smart and know how to manipulate us as parents. A smack is a no nonsense, no manipulation war, straight up honest form of discipline. If my kids don't do the right thing, I am not going to shift their focus, I will deal with it straight away.

I have placed boundaries up for their own good and if they cross them I explain why they shouldn't and if they go right ahead and do the wrong thing then they will get a smack and thats the end of it. I don't enjoy smacking them and they know I hate to smack them but they know it is a consequence to their actions. My kids know I love them so much and I know they love me so much.

bloss · 21/08/2003 02:55

Message withdrawn

badmum · 21/08/2003 21:23

I've been getting on pretty well actually. I've been making a real effort to keep the shouting to a minimum and I haven't smacked at all.

My eldest is really pushing me at the moment and being very cheeky, but I'm trying to let it wash over me and not snap at her. She's been sent for time out when things get too much.

Thanks for asking Bloss. I hope I can keep it up.

aloha · 21/08/2003 21:53

Great BM! I agree it can really help to let it wash over you. When you realise you don't have to react to everything it can really help you enjoy your day so much more.
I don't really believe there are absolutes in good or bad behaviour. I don't tolerate hurting but apart from that I think everything else is pretty flexible. Personally, I would hate to smack my kids. It would make me unhappy, spoil my day and just generally be totally counter-productive for me and mine. I love living without smacking and without shouting (which I hate and hate myself if I succumb to it - it's always about me and not about ds if I'm honest). It's just really, really nice not to do it. I'm no saint. Honest. I'm sure everyone loves their kids as much as I love mine, just that I know I wouldn't enjoy being a mum if I smacked. It's not always about right and wrong (though I do have moral/theoretical issues with smacking) but about what makes a happy family for you. I do think it is helpful to know about/consider the alternatives to smacking, particularly, if like 2ashamed and BM, smacking is making you unhappy. We only have one turn around on this earth, and every minute with our kids never comes back, so people need, IMO, to make their time as happy as possible, and this will mean different things to different people. For me, part of that is not smacking.

badmum · 21/08/2003 23:04

Thank you Aloha. Before I had children I was adamant that I wouldn't smack them, I saw it as bullying and something I would never do.

I guess we are all a product of our upbringing and I was smacked by my parents. I'm going to try really hard to break the chain so that one day my grandchildren (if I'm lucky), will know a better way.

Thanks for your support.

bloss · 22/08/2003 03:43

Message withdrawn

aloha · 22/08/2003 09:05

BM, my reasons are very similar to yours. Other people don't have that baggage so feel very differently and probably act very differently (Bloss, for example). For people like us, though, it is liberating not to smack, I think. I think you sound a lovely mum, BTW. Good luck with the long weekend!

prufrock · 22/08/2003 11:02

I don't smack because I was smacked. And I know that often I was smacked because my parents lost it. I actually think smacking a la Bloss is probably not harmful, I just think it takes a very together and disciplined parent to be able to control their own emotions so taht smacking is only ever used as a reasonable form of discipline. I don't think I could be that controlled, so prefer to give myself a rule that I will NEVER hit my dd.

Batters · 22/08/2003 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bloss · 22/08/2003 23:07

Message withdrawn

badmum · 23/08/2003 15:53

I've not had a very good day today. My ds has been whining for days and this afternoon I just snapped and shouted at him to stop whining. I'd just had enough of it.

I then shouted at my eldest dd. She has been told repeatedly not to pick up her little sister but, she went ahead and did again today and dropped her on the concrete where she hit her head. I'm afraid I shouted at her not to pick dd2 up anymore. I'm not really sure how else I could have handled it though.

Dd1 is really pushing me at the moment. She is only 5 but has turned into Kevin the teenager. She is rude, sulky and bad tempered. She has been repeatedly slamming her bedroom door and it was breaking and I was scared someone would get their fingers squashed. So when she told me she was going to go and slam her door yesterday and then did it, I went upstairs and took the door off.

When I asked her to go upstairs to bed the other day, she said she didn't want to and wanted to go to sleep on the sofa. I said no and she said "If you don't let me, I will be even more naughty tomorrow".

I'm not sure if this is typical behaviour for a 5 yo but it is driving me up the wall. Not sure how to deal with it really. Obviously in the past when she was really naughty I would smack her, but obviously I won't be doing that anymore, so I need to find some alternatives that will work.

Thanks for listening.

WideWebWitch · 23/08/2003 16:15

Oh badmum, sorry to hear your dd is being hard work. 5 yos can be can't they? And I've only got the one to deal with! There were some other threads on this a while back, I'll see if I can find them for you.

WideWebWitch · 23/08/2003 16:29

Here are 2 threads I could find easily - there might be some strategies in these that help. I got some good advice on this thread, 4yo turning into Kevin the teenager and here's Dahlia's waterjug treatment!

jac34 · 23/08/2003 16:50

Hi Badmum,
I have 4yo DS twins, they will be 5 in October.
My one DS who used to be the most difficult to contol has been great for ages now, he does naughty things, but will listen, when he gets told off, and will apologise. However, his brother is a different story all together, he answers back, refuses to listen, stamps his foot and screams, and is generally defiant.
I sent him to his room this afternoon for playing up at lunch, he did go but continued to scream & shout, then started kicking his bedroom door. Eventually, he calmed down and was allowed down to finish his lunch, after which he kept trying to make himself sick, so was sent to his room again.
The only punishment DH and I could think of was to keep him home, while my other DS, stepDD and DH went off out for the afternoon. After being initially upset, he just played happily on his own, and has "won", as he has received one to one attention from me all afternoon, so I'm not too sure, it was that much of a punishment !!!

I wonder whether it's something about the age, perhaps they become more defiant because they, will argue when they think they are right.

I think I'll be taking a look at those threads as well !!!!

bloss · 23/08/2003 23:42

Message withdrawn

badmum · 24/08/2003 00:06

Thanks for those threads WWW. My dd sounds so much like your ds it's unbelieveable. I quite like the sound of dahlia's water idea, has anyone else tried this out yet.

DD is being really obnoxious, she pokes her tongue out at me, answers back and cries every time she doesn't get her own way. She seems to be permanently beating up my ds at the moment as well. She is always telling me how much she hates me and that she is never going to talk to me again, this normally only lasts about 30 seconds though, before she starts moaning about something else. Gggrrrrrrr!!!

badmum · 27/08/2003 21:50

I haven't had a very good day today. I'm afraid I shouted and smacked. We've been out trying to get new school uniform and the kids have been awful. I then got home and made them dinner and as usual they were messing around and not eating and a plateful of food, ended up on the floor and up the wall. I went mad I'm afraid. So I'm back to square one, crap eh!

jac34 · 27/08/2003 22:39

I think shopping definitely brings out the worst in them (and me). I was shopping for school uniform last Friday, mine kept hideing in amongst the clothes racks, so that I'd go frantic thinking I'd lost them !!!! :0

Oh, the little darlings !!! I got so stressed and just couldn't wait to get home.

They have been realy badly behaved recently, my Mum just keeps saying, that they are just ready for school. I think she might be right, I'm hopeing it will wear them out and calm them down a bit !!!!

ks · 27/08/2003 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bloss · 28/08/2003 01:07

Message withdrawn

Jenie · 28/08/2003 08:23

BM I agree with everyone else, you're not back at square one, you've tried your best and it was an exeptionally stressfull occasion. If my dd plays up whilst out shopping she gets one warning then we go home, where she is sent to her room to consider why she behaved the way she did.

I understand that when shopping for uniforms this isn't always an option but keep trying. Just remember that it was only one day and everyone has a bad day. You've been doing so well and I bet that they've been behaving differently too.

aloha · 28/08/2003 17:20

Of course you aren't back at square one. It sounds like a horrible day and you deserve a nice big glass of wine, a bath and a night of rubbish telly. It's hard to keep a sense of humour when things get so stressful.
How old are your kids? Did you get them to clear up? I hope so!