How do I stop smacking?

[2ashamed]

I know this is a controversial subject, and I have changed my name because I am so ashamed of myself

I was smacked as a child, though not excessively, but because I have a terrible temper, I swore I would never smack my children. I am really anti-smacking, but I don't want this to dissolve into a debate about the pros and cons. I genuinely want advice.

I just find that I react, not often - usually when I'm tired or flustered. And I hate myself when I do it. It's just that this is what my role-models did and I'm finding it very difficult to break away from that. I know I am the only one responsible for my actions, and 99% of the time I can take a deep breath and pause before reacting. But how can I avoid just reacting the rest of the time??? Any ideas, please?

OK, I'm sure he won't do what I want him to every time, of course not , but I bet he will some/most of the time. My stepdaughter has never been a problem at all and I've known her since she was six. Northerner, do you really expect total obedience all day?? I'd find that a bit Stepford Child, myself. I feel children have to look for ways to assert their own choices in order to develop. I don't think it's a sign of weakness to agree to do things your child's way from time to time.
And yes, I told a woman who was hitting her young daughter around the head to stop. And she did. She was such a bitch, I felt like slapping her around the head. I would dearly have loved to call the police on her. As others have said, if they behave like that in public, what on earth do they do in private.
Nerdgirl, when ds looks at me when doing something I make a real effort not to meet his eye and act as if I literally can't see it. I have been amazed at how quickly he gets bored with doing whatever it is once he gets no reaction. Honest!

The most shocking thing I have ever seen was on a train into London. A father lost it with his young (6ish) son- and literally started beating him up. The boys mother looked at her feet, while the whole carriage stopped. Noone (myself included) did anything. It stil haunts me- I was pregnant at the time and I was too scared to intervene (this man looked like he was quite capable of hitting a pregnant woman).

I would have quite happily strung that vile man up. When we reached Victoria he walked off the train holding the little boys hand- it made me feel sick.

FairyMum - the few occasions on which my children get a smack (like I said - probably averages once a year per child) all happen when the child has repeatedly refused to do as he/she is told. I'm not anti-smacking obviously but do limit it so 90% of these refusals to do as they are told end up with being sent to their rooms. I tried everything else I could think of for the one who wouldn't stay in his bedroom at bedtime but nothing worked. The smack did work and he is much better than he was at staying in his room (though not perfect). As to the ages - well I haven't smacked the nearly 2 year old yet. My 7 year old hasn't been smacked for about 3 years now - there are better solutions. But that difficult 3-4 year old age when they don't really understand why you want them to do as they are told and don't understand more long term consequences. They occasionally get a very light tap (such as you would give a friend if they were taking another chocolate out of the chocolate box when they had already had too many ). Would this be outlawed too.

As for general standards of discipline - I really don't care how parents discipline their children (providing obviously that it is not abuse) as long as they do it effectively. I too know a boy who has been smacked virtually every day of his life who is now terribly behaved - that's a pretty ineffective form of discipline.

Well I'm ashamed to say that I think most people on this board would hate me if they knew me.

Unfortunately, I've got into the habit of smacking my children pretty regularly. Partly out of anger and frustration and because they tend to ignore what I say.

Am I the only person on this site who is like me? Or am I the only one stupid enough to admit it?

I have tried and tried to stop smacking and find alternative methods but I always end up in the same place, with me feeling useless.

From everyone's opinions it would appear that most of you would think I need some sort of help. It is very difficult to get help though, without making it sound like you are a total ogre. Perhaps I am though, I have often thought that maybe my kids would be better off without me.

It is awful to see this is writing, but there it is in black and white, I am screwing up as a mother. I need to get back on track some how.

badmum, I think there's a huge range of views on other threads about smacking if not on this one (and I have only skimmed through it so don't know), so please don't feel there is a united mumsnet line on this. It's a controversial topic.

I've already said my bit on this on other threads but I wanted to add something new.

I smacked my oldest son sometimes when he was a toddler and preschooler then as he grew older I found other forms of discipline were more relevant and effective.

Now I do not smack my youngest son. I have once or twice given him a tap but I can't bring myself to do more. Is this because I realise smacking is not that effective? possibly. It could also be a case of benign neglect. The second child syndrome - nothing is new, his achievements and failures affect me less because I have seen it all before, bad behaviour goes woosh right over my head. He can at times be very naughty and yet I don't feel the same need to discipline him as I did with my older son. I don't take his behaviour so personally. I don't punish him as much in other ways too, don't give him as many time outs. Not necessarily a good thing either.

Badmum...I don't know what to say. I'm ot sure where I really stand on smacking just yet (my dd is only just one) but I'm def not strongly opposed. of course it all comes down to intent I guess - what are you trying to accomplish by the smacking. ie. are you trying to teach your child something or are you 'reacting in anger'. ike I said, I don't know yet..just trying to form my own opinion at the mo.
Anyway I felt really sad when I read your post. Please don't think you're a bad Mum (maybe you should change your name) I think you obviously love your kids and I'm sure noone would hate you. You are obviously just trying to raise your kids the best way you can - like all of us. I'm sure every mum on here feels like a crap Mum at some stage - I know I do. But the fact is we all just do what we can every day.
If you think you have a probablem in this area and need more info try getting some books on the subject that provide some alternative stategies (I think a few have been suggested in this thread). All you can do is try different ideas and see if they work. Please don't put yourself down - you kids are never going to be better off without you, never. I don't know about what help is available over there (assuming you're in the UK) but in Australia we have some great parenting help lines and the like. I would guess you must have something similar there. Maybe you could start there and get a bit of encouragement and support. Try and stay strong, you will get there, trust that because of the love that you have for your kids that you will find a better way. Thinking of you. Cathxxx

Message withdrawn

Well I'm amazed and surprised. I truly didn't expect to get such a supportive reaction. I fully expected to come down this morning and find I had been totally slated. I suppose there is still time though, it's only early.

I was interested to see Fairymum that you have only shouted at your son twice. What made you shout at him? I seem to spend a lot of time shouting, my eldest does tend to antagonise her siblings and I can't always drop what I'm doing to get her to stop. She tends to get the others over excited and hysterical and then invariably someone ends up hurt. Telling them to calm down has very little effect and I end up shouting. This is normally met by hysterical giggles and that is normally when I lose my temper.

I imagine if I had only one child I would rarely smack, but I suppose that isn't an excuse.

I think one of the reasons I would be wary of having legislation against smacking (Note: I am quite happy for legislation against child abuse, including most of the scenarios shared here where a child was beaten - what worries me is smacks being outlawed) is that it makes criminals out of many people.

You would not be able to admit that you lost your temper and gave your two year old a quick tap on the bottom and ask for advice about how you could handle it better. People who want to learn about more effective discipline would be less likely to ask for help. All for fear that you would be prosecuted or social services be drawn in to a situation that didn't really need it.

As a result, I think children would be badly served by such a law, as there would be more cases that would escalate and cross the grey area into unacceptable hitting as less parents would get the support they need.

In summary, you can only help those people who reach out for that help. By outlawing smacking you are increasing the reluctance of people seeking that help.

badmum (not that you are!) I have heard people have good experiences with parenting classes - just to give them different ideas on how to handle situations. How old are your kids?

badmum, both times I shouted at my son was on rainy days when he was bored and had been moaning all day. I was tired and fed up and lost my rag. I shouted at him to shut up and because I am normally calm with him, it really upset him and he cried for ages. I apologised afterwards and I actually think shouting can be just as upsetting and scary for a child as being smacked. I too felt like a badmum.....

I too think you should change your name, badmum. From what you have written I do not think you are a bad mum, but you do need to find better ways to react to your kids. I am sure there are helplines in the UK too where you can get advise.
I notice that many of you say "I am a bad parent" or "You must think I am a bad mum". I don't really think this is about being a bad parent. Afterall this is just one thread about parenting. I can think of many occasions where I haven't been a "model parent". I don't think any of us are perfect, but I do think most of us here are doing what we think/hope are best for our kids. Just being here on mumsnet shows that we care about child issues. Surely, the worst parents are the ones who do not care, and do not devote the time to learn and read about parenting?

Finally, I find that my "killer mummy look" works wonders on my kids. If they do something they know is wrong, I give them a very serious look and walk away. I won't play with them. Normally they come and apologise to me about 2 minutes later and everything is forgotten. I think children want to be liked and get approval. When that approval is taken away and mummy (or other people) won't play with them anymore, I think that is just as effective as a smack.

I have walked away from playgrounds and toddler-groups when my children have fought over toys. They quickly realised that if they for example hit another child, the wouldn't be allowed to play anymore.

I have already changed my name actually. I normally post under something else but I've changed it for this.

Thanks for saying that I'm not a bad mum, I think its perfectly clear though that I'm not as good as I could be.

I've been trying really hard today with the children (3 under 5) and I haven't shouted or smacked them. They are being really good though so I suppose that's not much of a test.

I'll let you know how I get on over the weekend.

How are you doing 2ashamed?

I think that Dr. Phil has some great advice about spanking that will give you some things to think about. Check out...

www.drphil.com/advice/advice.jhtml?contentId=090302_parenting_discipline_spanking.xml§ion=Parenting&subsection=Discipline

Oooh, I'm feeling a bit nervous now.

It's such a shame that when someone opens up on here, everyone tires of the topic and disappears. I could really use some advice but perhaps this thread has run its course now.

wassup?

Well I've smacked ds1 on occasions- always felt awful afterwards as he really doesn't understand what he's done. There's only one method I know of not smacking when you are completely wound up and that is to walk away. When I feel really wound up I leave the room make myself a cup of tea and then go back in and deal with it- even if he's screaming the whole time I'm making the tea.

Not a bad mum- just a normal one.

oh dear, the no smaking mums would've had a field day with me yesterday.
went to the supermarket with my dd's yesterday. dd1 usually behaves well, stays close by, or sits in the trolly. well yesterday she ran out of the store, laughing away, generally being a terror, knowing what she was going was 'wrong' but was going to do it anyway. her dad had to go get her as i was dealing with dd2 at that time. so i put dd1 in the trolley, where she starts to have a major tantrum about wanting to walk. so i tell her if she wants to walk she will have to hold my hand as she has already misbehaved once. and guess what, she slipped out of my grasp and did a runner again. so i smacked her on the bottom. it stopped the tantrum, and dd1 was well behaved the rest of the shopping trip. i could tell shoppers where staring at me the whole time she was having a tantrum, the whole 'cant she control her child' looks people always seem to give, and i probably shocked a few by smacking my dd1 bottom but at the end of the day, she was being naughty, and saying 'no sweets/treats' doesnt work on her as she knows that she will get sweets or treats anyway soon, even if its the next day.

Badmum(you're not) did the rest of your day go OK. Sorry I've not read the whole of the thread so I've maybe missed bits. Do you get plenty of time just for you away from the kids. Sometimes too I think its a bit of a vicious cycle. The day starts badly and you get irritated/annoyed/angry then the kids do then that makes you worse and then youfeel guilty for reacting and that makes everything even worse. If I think things are going a bit like that I just stop what we're doing, drop everything and go and do something completely different usually involving outside. By the time we're back the whole issue is no longer important and everyone has blown off a bit of energy. By admitting to yourself you don't like the way you sometimes are with the kids and putting down on the net the way you feel you've gone a long way to making a change.

Just read the last few notes- don't other folk tutting in supermarkets etc. really bug you -like probably their toddlers never had a tantrum because you didn't buy the Bob the Builder cake.

ok fairymum, u dont agree with smacking from what i tell from skimming this thread. and u've only shouted at your son on a few occasions?
i'd love your son if he is so easy to control at 2! at 11months my dd2 is a terror (has been 'mobile' since 5months) and is really pushing the boundries atm, i do shout at her, mainly because distraction techniques dont work, and she has obsessions with elctrical appliances and my kitchen cupboards. i have tapped her hand a few times, she is a very advanced little girl, trying to do everything her elder sister does, and doing it 10x as naughty at time.
if u can show me a way to control her without shouting (which on your terms is almost as bad as smacking) then tell me please.

Thanks, I thought I was the only one still up.

It has been pretty good today. I always find tea time pretty stressful, they start getting hyper and over excited at about 6 pm. I just sent them upstairs to play for awhile and they eventually calmed down.

The kids have spent most of the day down the bottom of the garden, speaking to some children who live behind us. This was fine until my next door neighbours children came out as well and they started 'ganging up' (for want of a better expression) on my daughter.

I get so annoyed with this, on their own both lots of kids are fine but together they are horrible. My dd just doesn't realise though when they are being nasty to her and nothing I can say or suggest will stop her calling out to them, only to get ignored. I find it really upsetting but don't really know how to deal with it.

I was hoping we would be able to go out somewhere tomorrow, but dh is working and I'm not sure I could face it on my own. It's bound to end in disaster, it always does.

Badmum, you sound really down on yourself. Things OK otherwise? Why don't you make one reaaly straightforward plan for an easy outing tomorrow - one that doesn't involve elaboborate schedules/timing and all that.Even an outing to apark (if there is one near you just walk) for an hour. I bet it goes OK . My motto is keep life easy and simple and just totally avoid anything which is likely be difficult - its not cowardice, its just survival

I sympathise "goodmum" My 4 always get hyper at tea time and I have visions of the one child families serenely eating their tea, saying please and thankyou, passing the salt nicely. Mine's just a melee sometimes. Just recently I've got into the habit of thinking - well it's bound to be noisier if there's more of them. So I'm feeling a bit happier about it - as long as they stay in their seats and they don't make too much mess I'm happy.