How do I stop smacking?

[2ashamed]

I know this is a controversial subject, and I have changed my name because I am so ashamed of myself

I was smacked as a child, though not excessively, but because I have a terrible temper, I swore I would never smack my children. I am really anti-smacking, but I don't want this to dissolve into a debate about the pros and cons. I genuinely want advice.

I just find that I react, not often - usually when I'm tired or flustered. And I hate myself when I do it. It's just that this is what my role-models did and I'm finding it very difficult to break away from that. I know I am the only one responsible for my actions, and 99% of the time I can take a deep breath and pause before reacting. But how can I avoid just reacting the rest of the time??? Any ideas, please?

Fairymum, I think your point about the inconsistency of telling a child that hitting is wrong and then hitting him yourself is very well made. I constantly tell DS that nobody should hit him (he's forever getting bashed by other kids at Nursery) and that he should "tell the teacher" if anyone does this to him. On the rare occasions when I've smacked DS he has got his revenge by announcing to all that his mummy "hit him"!

If you replace the word "Smacking" with "hitting" it all becomes much less accceptable.

I have just been looking at this thread as I too have smacked my child when I have lost my temper - I DON'T think it's ok and I do feel terrible - I have just started reading a book - 123 magic about disciplining using counting and time out and it does seem to work - I am no angel - I lost it yesterday when my dd was constantly interrupting me on the phone as I was trying to get an engineer to fix the washing machine. Accept blame and move on - none of us is perfect - including our children!

by the way the 123 magic way also reduces considerably the shouting and yelling at children ( of which I have also been guilty)

I agree noone is perfect, but I should be able to be more perfect than my child as I am 30 and my child is 2.

How can you expect and teach a 2 year old not to lash out in a fit of frustration when another child takes his toy away, when you loose it with your child just by being interrupted on the phone?

I don't think it makes any difference as to children lashing out at each other. Children do this, even children who have never been smacked! I haven't been told that dd has hit anyone but I hope that she would stand up for herself if the need arose, which surely one day it will.

I have not smacked ds as he is only 16mo. But I do tap his hand to stop him touching hot oven/biting people etc. And I do feel if the need arises as he gets older I will smack him. Not for a trivial reason like being interupted on the phone, but if he is being deliberatley naughty and will not listen to reason I will smack him. Purely because I feel that a child will not always respond when you talk and explain to them that they are being naughty.

I am not a bad person, or a bad parent and I don't go round 'smacking' other adults, because I can reason with other adults. You can't always reason with children.

Jenie, no of course it's not acceptable to jump on a car bonnet but there's quite a difference between a car and a sofa or a bed IMO! And you cannot protect your child/ren from danger all the time, you just do your best to limit it. Allowing your child to go horseriding is arguably far more dangerous than allowing them to bounce on a bed surely? And older children are perfectly capable of understanding that different people have different rules IME (they can usually tell the difference between a car and a sofa too once it's pointed out to them!). I think teaching them that people aren't all the same is quite important isn't it? Fairymum, you say you've only ever shouted at your child on 2 occassions - I'm interested to know how old s/he is?

Yes but think about it why is it wrong to jump on a car bonnet? Because they might fall off and get hurt and they would damage the car. Would you not say to them "don't do that it's dangerous" or "don't do that your ruining the bonnet" maybe even "don't do that it's not a bed".

Ho hum perhaps the older child does understand that it's ok to trash mummy and daddy's stuff and the things that they themselves use daily yet not to do the same to anyone elses stuff. But for my dd it's not ok to treat anyones belongings be it sofa, bed, book or car as if they were worthless.

My point being to begin with was that dd wasn't listening to me when I was explaining the reasons behind not jumping on beds and continually doing it.

Our reasons behind letting dd go horseriding were weighed up along side reasons not to let her go. The sheer look on her face when she first gets on to when she returns after 1/2 - 1 hour later lets me know that it's worth the risk, just like letting an asthmatic swim in chlorine cleaned pool. You do it because they enjoy it sooo much. And as I've already said I have both my fingers and toes crossed for all that time.

Obviously all of you are much better mothers than me and I put my hand up - when I have smacked my child it has been when I am tired, frustrated (trying to get hold of a washing machine engineer) or hassled - my daughter is 3 and understands when I tell her not to interrupt me when I am talking on the phone (which I have done countless times)and so is deliberately ignoring me. If I had time to think in every single situation I would never even shout at her would I? I do NOT beat my child - it is not used as a punishment in our family.

If we all had time to think about it none of us would even shout , we'd use our "teacher voice" as my daughter calls it. Where by the tone changes but the volume stays the same.

Jenie, when you say you hope your daughter would stand up for yourself if the need arose, do you mean it would be ok for her to hit someone if they hit her first?

If so, I'm afraid you may at some point find her 'smacking' you back...

when I feel like I'm losing it enough to smack my children, I smack my own leg (thigh) instead. It makes a satisfyingly loud noise sufficient to stop them doing whatever it is that is driving me nuts, the act of hitting my leg releases the anger/frustration, and it also hurts a bit so makes me immediately glad I didn't smack them!

sometimes a deep breath, 1-2-3, leave the room etc just isn't enough for me, and it helps to hit something.

and I must say I've never particularly cared about jumping on beds/sofas, which is maybe why mine aren't that interested in doing it. and we do have a mini-trampoline, which my dd has just broken her wrist falling off, so I don't think that is necessarily a safer option Janie!!

Depends.....but I think that if another child hit her and there was not an adult around to stop the child then yes it would be alright, there are times when telling a teacher doesn't work and is the best way to deal with a bully not to stand up for yourself?

In my opinion for some children words are not enough and that is when the disipline should become physical.

ie just remembered when ds was 4 weeks old and were at a playground an older boy about 3/4 came over and lunged at ds putting big nail marks all the way down his face! Dd shouted but the boy was going to do it again so she pushed and kicked him, I didn't tell her off for doing this and infact got her a toy on the way home for being such a brave girl!

Yet she does know that this isn't normal behaviour because as yet she hasn't done it for such a petty thing as having a toy taken away. Ds does this all the time and she just says "it's ok I'll do something else".

2ashamed, I think batters elastic pinging sounds like a really good bet as a quick stop and think measure. Let us know if you try it.

Jenie

don't you think you're teaching your child to respond to an aggressive behaviour with more of the same?
I would't go so far as offering the other cheek (is that how you say it? sorry translating from italian, hope YKWIM)but certainly that teaches children to resove problems with violence!!

I am sorry but I find this absolutely shocking!!!

In this way you're just craeting a circle of violence and if they behave like this on they playground, what will they do when they grow up?

aloha

yes things are much better at the moment, have been enjoying my little girl much more.
Even yesterday, she was eating and then said she had enough, and I said ok then, and she started crying, I kept telling her I didn't mind and I even thought 'maybe she wants soemthing else'? No she was just whinging and on the way for a major tantrum, I was just about to explode when it hit me: (I know I was a bit slow, but it was the end of teh day1!), she was just exhausted and possibly didn't know how to express it. I picked her up and gave her a long cuddle on the sofa while she watched a video ans troked my face.

so far so good, I've manged to avoid confrontation even today that I'm terribly PM and haven't seen dh in 2 days.

just wait for the fall....

Jenie - just backing you up here on the sofa/bed front - although my children do seem to have finally understood they are not to jump on beds (at least they don't seem to do it anymore - helps that one lf them is a bunk bed....) they still have not got the message about not jumping on the sofas. It's not a smacking offence in our house, partly because they do stop when told to. If they didn't it would be a "go to your room" offence. I can't understand why anyone would want their furniture ruined.

Fairymum - we don't smack because we are angry. We smack because as a form of discipline it can often be very effective. It is not always possible to reason with a young child. Discipline in the UK is going downhill rapidly because too many parents don't discipline their children. If you took away smacking it would get even worse.

On the smacking front - we do very occasionally smack. Often it's just a quick tap, not painful, to remind the child not to do something they're about to do - like hit or throw or mess up another child's work or creation. Haven't done a "punishment" smack for a long time and probably less than one a year in total per child. Last one was for constantly getting out of bed after bed time and thinking it was funny. Can't say "go to your room" then - any other ideas for this one as it is an ongoing problem?

Message withdrawn

I am quite suprised by the examples that are given for smacking. I expected you to have better examples like situations where a child was about to strangle the cat or something....Being disturbed when on the phone or a child who doesn't want to stay in bed. I do not see this as naughty behaviour. Isn't it just normal for a child to play up a bit and test their boundaries?

I have to say I am quite suprised and shocked that smacking is acceptable to so many people here. I thought it was quite "old school" or used by parents who didn't much care for their child.

You think I am arrogant. I share my view with child welfare organisations in the UK who have asked for a law against parents smacking their kids. I think you are arrogant to think that you know better than most childcare experts and child welfare organisations. Many countries have also had laws against this for many many years......

I find it very sad that you feel that you need to smack as part of your discipline. Perhaps you should look into alternative methods or speak to someone who can help you develop some better skills to deal with your child.

I understand that you see discipline as a private issue. I disagree. Other forms of domestic violence is not a priavte issue (It used to be, thank God it is not anymore). Why should hitting children be difficult than hitting an adult?

Bloss - your last post is so well written and I totally agree with you. People seem to forget that smacking is a form of punishment, a quick shock to let the child know that their behaviour is unacceptable, and IMO it works.

I understand why people want to ban smacking children as they think it will help wipe out physical abuse, but we have to remember people who physically abuse their kids are not law abiding people and will unfortunatley continue to beat their kids. Parents who smack for discipline are not child beaters and should not be treated as though they are.

I have a friend who never smacks her ds (4 years) and he absolutley runs rings round her. He is one of the naughtiest little boys I know. I constantly come accros badly behaved children in restaurants, supermarkets etc and I firmly believe that there is a distinct lack of discipline.

We can not treat children as adults in many situations, they simply do not always understand why they should not be doing something. Untill they do understand right and wrong, a smack is sometimes the answer IMO.

havent read all the comments on this one.but here goes.

i try to go by a 'three strikes and your out' kinda thing with my kids.
1st strike-moving them away and telling them not to do it. explain why if needed.
2nd strike- if still misbehaving, try distraction or punishment by sending to their room.
3rd strike - if still misbehaving then a smack if needed.

oh dear lord, someone best tell me a better way of disaplining my kids.
i'm sure mieow would back me up if u asked her about my kids behaviour. they (well the eldest one, dd2 is still a baby) are well behaved kids most of the time. my dd1 is a cheeky little madam who has just started really testing the boundries, but the threat of a smack is enough to bring her back into line. i wouldnt say she is scared of me, but the fact she knows she is misbehaving and will get punished for it makes her sort it out herself.
i dont smack for accidents, tend just to dismiss them. i dont do star charts, or bribary. i want my kids to behave well without expecting rewards for it. dont get me wrong, they get treats, just not as rewards. today we are going to the cinema, its not a reward, its a treat. she drives me up the wall, really pushes the boundries at times, but she's a kid, she needs boundries set, she needs to know when she has done something naughty, i just dont belive that star charts are the way to do. she gets praise if she does something well, or behaves extremely well, but u can keep the star charts.

Webmum

Ok the examples I've given are extreme with regard to letting my dd hit other children, but from my experience with dd being at part time nursery the children who hit back when hit were less likely to get hit again.

This doesn't mean that I encourage dd to hit first or that it's ok for her to hit for a silly thing like taking toys away from her but she isn't the child who gets thumped or pushed every other day by the nursery bullies.

Exactly what can a nursery teacher do to stop this hitting? Not alot, they can talk to the child.... yeah like that always works. They can talk to the parents, these are the parents who usually don't care. That's about it. So a short dose of do unto others returned has worked for the children who dared to retaliate with force. I wouldn't say to dd "just hit so and so back" I hope that she has the good sense to just do it.

Children can become the "victim" in a playground very easily, there is always one who is the "victim" of bullying on a daily basis, even at 4/5 be it just having crayons removed or being pushed into or punched, I don't want dd to be the "victim" I want her to have the confidence to take back the crayons but not to take off of someone else etc.

I've never hit my children. I will never hit my children. I was never hit as a child. I hate to see other children being hit.

BUT I completely accept that there are plenty of parents out there who make smacking work for them and their children. Who do not injure their children. Who do not lash out in anger. Who use it as a punishment to guide behaviour in the same way I use time-outs and loss of privileges.

Different strokes. (no pun intended!) If you and your children are happy then sod the begrudgers!

But I have to say that the notion that just because a child in hit means that they will behave better than a child who is punished in a non-violent way is absurd! Two of the worst behaved kids I know are hit at home as punishment. And I'm sure we all know wonderfully behaved children who were never hit.

Also the anti-smacking argument that you wouldn't resolve a dispute with an adult by hitting them is just spurious. I also wouldn't stand another adult in a corner to think about her actions! I wouldn't insist she eats her vegetables. I wouldn't tell her to go to bed. etc.

No one on this thread or this site would deliberately damage their child. I've been reading posts on this site for a long time now ( I used to be a serious lurker) and I think we're all great parents - different but great.

It is quite normal that small children sometimes hit or bite other children. This has nothing to do with their parents, it is a phase some children go through. It is not because they are bullies (you are talking about small children in nursery here), but they might not have a language or have learnt a good way to express anger /frustration. The anger/frustration they feel is healthy and part of normal child development. All children have to go through a stage of displaying angry behaviour. As adults, however, we do have control and we do have a language. Why not use it to set a good example to our children.

I have never heard of parents who encourage their children to hit back. I do understand your concern that your daughter will be a "vicitm". I am sure all parents worry about this. I also worry about my children being a bullies. I think that would be just as bad as them being bullied.