Calling all Mum's of demanding kids - are your fuses as short as mine? :( sorry, bit long)

[balanomorey]

Am wondering if I'm normal or in need of anger management!!
My coming up to 3 yo dd is so demanding, I seem to spend 3 parts of my day bawling her out or saying no - it's so demorilising - I'm sure for her too, although I know I have to set boundaraies, don't I?

Her speech and awareness of what's going on around her is, imo sometimes gobsmacking for her age. She knows exactly what she wants, can ask (demand) for it very articulately and comes out with expressions that very often floor me! She seems to know too much at a young age. But as she is so young, she is obviously so very immature in many other ways and always wants to run before she can walk ("I do it" is her favourite expression) and when i say no, because imo what she is asking for she can't do or it is dangerous to have etc, she goes off on one. She also takes forever to do what I ask - all in all, she can be SOOOO frustrating - but at the same time, adorable and I lurve her to bits!

However, as I said all this continual conflict of interest is wearing me down as I am constantly saying no and shouting to the point where she will say 'don't shout at me' before bursting into tears or she will panic if she knows or thinks she's done something wrong as she will say "sorry, sorry, sorry" over and over and looks genuinely scared I'm going to tear her off a strip .

Feel really bad this morning as we were late getting to nursery and she suddenly decided just as we were going out the door that she needed the potty. I was not best pleased as she has used the potty as an excuse lately to keep getting out of bed or stall bedtime...she sits there for ages insisting she needs to go and nothing happens, so assumed she was playing this game again. This happened last night at 3 in the morning (the sides have just come off her cot, and I think she thinks this is a great excuse for disturbing the household in the middle of the night now that she can get out and tell us she needs a wee)...so this morning I bawled her out for needing the potty (frazzled on the back of a bad night, maybe) and felt awful as she then proceeded to do a big wee...told me to say sorry for shouting at her...and told me how much she loves me ..so have been feeling guilty and crap mum all morning.

Just a bit of a rant really, but make me feel better by telling me I'm not unusual to shout - I hate shouting and am fed up of spending a large part of my day bawling and getting wound up. Am I alone in this?
Thanks for reading, sorry so long, just needed to vent. x.

AN- I feel as though I want the dc to leave me alone, even when they've been at school all day. I think it is probably quite a common feeling. Obviously there will be some Mums who want to bake, paint, have discussions with their DC after school. However my Dc just want to play on their own or watch television.

I do have fleeting feelings of guilt while I come on Mumsnet, or cook the tea with the radio for company, but really deep down I know it is good for them to occupy themselves and chill out after a busy day of conforming at school.

Thanks rachel for your advice. Yup, guess it's another chestnut to ride out! Am resigned to the delaying tactics til she gets bored with it. Know what you mean about punishment and the potty - been saying book gets binned if you call us and you don't need the potty, but do worry that it could put her off calling us when she does need it and before we know it we are back in nappies again as I've scared her off using the potty - just desparately trying anything, I guess! But she's probably too young to distinguish between fibbing and telling the truth. Sigh!!

So know what you mean acting re being all positive and fired up for a good day's interratcting with dd, then when it comes to it, feeling like you can't be bothered and craving space. I feel like that so often - partly becuase I think i simply don't know what to do with her...an afternoon indoors can seem like an eternity as her attention span is so short.

What do you all do with your dc's on a rainy afternoon? After CBeebies (which I'm ashamed to say, i think I let her watch too much of as it's the easy option), making jelly/Barbie cakes or some other simple baking, reading books, colouring and painting, role playing dollies, CBeebies website, I don't know what else to do..Help!! She needs to be occupied - it's when she's bored that the trouble starts as that's when we get the messing about. Trouble is, she's never really engaged in ANYTHING that i feel she's found truly absorbing - is that more to do with her age?

Does she need supervision to use the potty?

Can you just leave it in her room overnight and empty it in the morning - remove all books and toys so there is nothing else to get up for~?

Ooh-er Smug! No way could I leave her unsupervised!! She can get herself on and off it OK, and could probably have a go at wiping herself (wees yes, poo I don't think she'd do a good job and couldn't bear the thoughts of her going back to bed without having washed her hands!)..but I'd be worried that she'd empty the contents all over the floor or worse over herself. The potty isn't always used in the loo - sounds gross, but often have it in the lounge - a throwback to encouraging her to tyr using it, while watching CBeebies - so she's always tried to carry it into the loo to empty it. I have to make sure I'm on hand to deal with it, as once or twice I've not realised she's finished and she's tipped wee all over the carpet as she's been trying to take it to the loo. But thanks for the idea

Re bedtime delaying tactics - DD used to do this too. I say "It's naughty to ask for more things after bedtime" and "If you keep shouting out I will come up and shut your door" - she HATES that and it was a good deterrant. She can go and use the big toilet upstairs if she needs to now but when she couldn't we just left a potty in the room. We did let her keep doing multiple wees and asking us to empty it because we thought she wouldn't wet the bed then. She seemed to grow out of it. She has only ever wet the bed once! [sorry to be smug]

rainy days are a n i g h t m a r e round here too...especially since there are so many of them these days, eg the ENTIRE BLOODY SUMMER! we do all the things you suggest then get hordes of pals round when things are really tough- i resign myself to the house getting trashed on the understanding that the favour gets repaid pretty soon. we also have a hamster and some new kittens - that helped to get through some of the summer at least, but slightly drastic action i admit if they're not in your master plan more generally!
and if all else fails i grit my teeth and take them to the softplay centre of course argh mine are a bit older now so play together much better so that helps loads. but those 13-hour days just seem interminable don't they!!

I go out alot with my DC. I find if we sit around the house all day we go crazy. I have friends who seem to spend days at a time at home during the holidays. Obviously their DC can't be as spirited as mine.

From an early age we were going to museums, art galleries etc. Most of them are child friendly now, and fairly easy places to be. We go on the bus so it takes up lots of time. There's lots for the DC to look at, and if you are lucky nice people chat to them. TBH I really enjoy these kind of days out. We used to have a lovely children's department store in town with a cafe and soft play area. We'd often spend 4 hours there.

Getting out seems to reduce the mundane demands and the mess, which I find challenging.

i never stay in all day unless i am forced to, like if she is sick or something.

but when i is raining it is hard to know what to do. apart from what you already mentioned, painting cooking etc.
what about gluing and sticking? my dd has found a love for sticky tape and just rips up peices of paper and sticks them back onto each other.

God, how quickly I've forgotten those whole rainy days at home.....DS2 started nursery 3 mornings a week in Sept, and DS1 started school. I now have some time to myself and I can't tell you how nice it is (even if it's all taken up with doing cleaning/diy jobs that should have been done 5 years ago. I am already dreading the school holidays, how bad is that?! Cbeebies will be on more than ever.

Mimizan, the museums and art galleries idea is fantastic! Esp if they're free. we've done a couple of "cultural" type activities with the kids and they seem to love them. We quite often go into town on the train just cos both of them are train mad, and I can honestly say that one of the best days we have ever spent is going on the hunt for the SuperLambBananas in Liverpool city centre (that's where we're from - so just a short, cheapish train ride away and the lambanana thing just free and lasted a good few hours).

I know what you all mean about sometimes just not WANTING to play with your kids. I actually fell asleep 2-3pm today, woke up and panicked I was going to be late picking DS1 up from school, dragged DS2 out of his nap and he was grumpy, and rushed to school. Got home, only for DS1 to ask me to play football with him in the garden. Despite the little me-time nap I'd had this afternoon, I just couldn't summon up the will to go outside with him. I just made excuse after excuse...."Er, the grass is too wet.. I've just made a cup of tea, I'll be out later. Oh, DS2 needs me... I've just got to go to the toilet....Daddy will be home in a minute.....just got to get the tea on." Really, really bad, I know. A 5 min kick-about would have made DS1's day, and would not have been much effort, but I'm just not much good at faking enthusiasm at his 10th goal. My excuse for this bad parenting is that DH has been away for the last few days and I haven't seen another adult except in the school playground, but really I know tis just an excuse....and not an actual reason.....

hey rachel - i came up by train ON MY OWN - bloody fantastic - to see the klimt exhibition a couple of months ago - a little treat to myself. great! and i thought the walker art gallery was fab too.

i take the kids by train a lot too - even to scotland a couple of times (from rural herefordshire) - i even managed centreparcs by train three weeks ago with them (our first trip) but had a nightmare when we changed trains at newport - had falled asleep while the two of them had gone off to the toilet on their own, giggling with glee at the prospect of doing poo's on the train ho ho ho. i was like 'great! they're finally old enough - i'll have a little rest' - fell into one of those dribbly little naps, and next thing i know the bloody train's arrived in newport, they're still in the friggin' BOG and i have to pack up all our bags in 5 seconds flat and literally drag DD off the toilet mid-crp! i almost had a stroke through the stress argh*

Rachel- I'm just the same with the football. We got a basketball net last christmas and I've just joined a netball team. I should want to play with the DSs but just can't bring myself to get out there with them. There's always some excuse like a pile of washing to carry upstairs, or a pan to scrub.
I sometimes wonder if the DC will look back and feel that the housework was more important to me than playing with them.

I take them to the park nearly every day, but sit and talk to other adults while they play.

I enjoy reading to them, visiting places and general chat, just can't seem to do play. I like making things like junk models and christmas cards with them though so I suppose that's OK.

We've got an adult friend who will play imaginary games with the DC for hours on end. She also keeps them entertained by telling stories about when she was a little girl. It makes me feel inadequate, because I get bored so easily and can only remember a few childhood stories.

my idea of playing with dd is just sitting with her and giving her abit of attention. it doesnt involve actaully playing with her.

she givesme a cup of tea from her kitchen and i sned her back to get some imaginary biscuits, thats enough playing for me!

This thread is making me laugh! I thought I was the only one who made excuses to her DC's to not play with them. It is just so BORING playing in the garden with them or hide and seek etc. My excuse is that I need the loo and I disappear upstairs for as long as possible. I feel awful for not wanting to play with them but I don't, what can I do?

I am looking forward to them getting a bit older, when we can go out without a buggy, hop on the train and go to museums etc like some of you have said. I think you have to try and find things you both enjoy rather than purely child orientated activities, but when they are very young it does seem to consist of soft play centres etc.

Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one to feel like this, has made me feel a whole lot better. Especially the thing about still not wanting to play with DD even after she has been at school all day. Trouble with my DD is that she talks SO MUCH and most of it is just boring waffle, I think she just likes the sound of her own voice and having someone listen to her, she doesn't realise that she has to make it interesting in order to hold someone's attention...I guess it's the equivalent of the phrase 'a face only a mother could love', only in her case it's 'boring drivel only a mother could listen to for hours on end',

oneplusone - it's important to get in touch with your inner child-induced boredom, and this is the thread to do it on!!
i am exactly the same, but i have luckily come out of the tunnel of ENDLESS imaginary play during which your adult mind switches off for hours on end - my kids are that little bit older and up for excursions and also play together loads (at last, at last - i knew there was a reason i had two children !)so hang in there, it does get better!
i reckon the sooner we can encourage to do that imaginary play thing with each other (sibs or other kids) the better. has to be the key to everyone's sanity and happiness!! but yes, sometimes easier said than done...

Haven't read whole thread, but just wanted to say aside from dealing with DD have you been to the doctors recently about your physical pain. I have a chronic back pain and have done pain management in the past. Was getting V sore again with all the lifting/picking up stuff for spirited DD 2.5. Took ages to get around to seeing Doc about it as I thought there was nothing else they could do for me, but actually got some fabby new painkillers which has enabled me to be a much more serene happy mummy as my body isn't so F**king sore.

I love this thread . You are all so honest about the challenges of mothering, but also so obviously warm and caring towards your DC. It's been really uplifting to 'check-in' and see what people have been doing and find that the DC's behaviour and my reactions are the same as people all over the country.

Thanks all

i know, i feel the same mimi, it is SO reassuring. i know i can come on here and say CHRIST my kids piss me off, and bore the PANTS off me and have at times tormented me so much that i have sometimes wondered what the HELL i ever had them for...but you all know i adore them really!! MOST of the time! and having had a good day with them (apart from the 3 hours i spent up in the treetops at 'go ape' with some pals - eek - you know these activity places in which you are forced to swing from absurdly small platforms on tarzan ropes onto giant nets and the like?) i can say that and mean it (today). have a good evening girls!

I think that it is important to try to keep shouting to an absolute minimum so that it still has the shock factor. That way if they run at the road or try to touch the oven you know they will pay attention and stop. I am struggling with this myself.

I find it helps me when i expect everything to take 3 times as long - even if it makes me late, i feel better for expecting to be late.

And when you feel angry and tensing up, just try to unclench your teeth and relax your muscles a bit, i know it's hard and i have to try really hard with it myself but the more you do it the easier it gets and you will feel so much more in control!

The fact that you are addressing the situation shows how much you really love and care for your DD, i'm sure you are a great mummy and hope things are easier for you soon!

Wow Katiek. Am very impressed you've been to Go Ape. We have been walking near one and I was amazed at the bravery of the people on them. The DC are desperate to go on them when they are 10, and I'm already preparing myself for the day I have to 'Go Ape'. Looks great fun!

mimizan "We've got an adult friend who will play imaginary games with the DC for hours on end. She also keeps them entertained by telling stories about when she was a little girl."

I hate people like that! They make feel useless and inadequate too but I am also grateful to them for doing what I find myself totally unable to with the DC's. But I also find that I sometimes think adults who enjoy doing things with kids that i find so utterly boring must really be a little mad!

I am glad to say that recently we have bought a few board games for DD and I have found i actually enjoy playing snakes and ladders etc with her. It is a relief as so far i have hated : arts and crafts, baking, role play, the garden, the playground. I was beginning to get really worried as i seemed to hate doing anything with my DC's apart from putting on music and having a dance and a sing (although i would kind of go into my own world then and almost forget DC's were there so probably doesn't count as enjoying doing s'thing with DC's)

OnePlusOne- we do that dancing thing too usually after a few glasses of wine The DC love it too though,(the dancing not the wine) so it must be ok.

It's so reassuring how similar we all are

oneplusone and mimi - was about to retire to the sofa with my book and post-go-ape recovery glass of wine, but had to say ... mimi - go ape - it was semi-terrifying and semi-fun, and - mainly - bloody COLD! do not go on a saturday! lots of waiting around groin to groin (clothed and harnessed but still - a little unsettling) with perfect strangers on platforms the size of hankies about 50 m above the ground, while rain lashes your face and the wind makes the tree sway ! still, you do feel v proud when you finally get down to terra firma and - lo! - you are still alive and in one piece.i plan to take my not-quite-so-pathologically-spirited child aged ten, and the fully-worthy-of-the-term child aged about 35.

oneplusone i love your list of 'things i have hated to do with my DC thus far' it made me giggle heartily. arts and crafts instantly result in world war three so i loathe them too. i actually like baking bcs am so greedy and can tolerate the playground by going into a meditative world of my own. i LOVE head-banging with them in the kitchen to music though! esp 'dude looks like a lady' by aerosmith (shhh!). board games have been a bit of a godsend this rain-sodden summer but i can't say i'm overly keen. needs must eh?

balano - i just remembered the original posting and felt guilty about chatting away about cr*p on your thread when i should be suggesting anger-related stuff. i have a good 'un - meditation. what do you think? do i sound a bit weird and new-agey all of a sudden? i started it two years ago when my mid-life crisis related to the catastrophic time i was having w DD aged 4 or 5 was at its full-blown peak and i was an anxious, insomniac, questioning-of-the-meaning-of-life wreck. it is really helpful in a strange and not easily explained, indirect way. i only manage about 15 mins before falling into bed and am still terrible at pushing away the constant inner chatter that insists on intruding all the time but i do recommend it.

on which worthy note, back to the wine (you can see i'm not quite a fully signed-up buddhist yet hic!)

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KatieK: oooh, my eldest DS, 4, has seen those Go Ape places and he is nagging me already to have a go.....thank god it is a few years away

Talking about activities which we do with our kids which we actually quite enjoy....watching crap on Saturday night telly like I'd do Anything, and X Factor. Recently bought the kids Abba Gold, and they LOVE it ha ha, gives me a good excuse for a boogie too. Also, today, DH and I really didn't mind spending 20 mins playing this electronic Hullabaloo game with the kids. You spend the whole 20 mins doing daft actions and jumping around and my 2 and 4 year olds love it, and us adults like a chance to act silly too.

Balanomorey, what do YOU personally like doing with your DD? And I don't mean activities that you do with her just because you think you should. ...

Hello all, I am just posting on here so I know where to come when I am feeling my inner rage demon, which is usually when I am desperate for the loo and trying to herd my dc up the flights of stairs to our flat's front door, while trying to find my keys in my bag with my mobile ringing simultaneously.

I have also tried the mantra thing someone mentioned much earlier and it is working a little bit. I have also learnt to ease up on my ds (3) and to not always be saying no to him.

But I have a bit of a theory to my anger and its definitely to do with a pfb-type thing. He changed my life completely, and in so many ways that I could never have prepared for, in good and bad. But if I am completely honest I harbour some sort of resentment towards him for taking away my old life, that doesn't apply to my dd (21 mths) as it had already been taken away. I know this is a terrible confession, but pls don't think I don't love my ds, I do, passionately.

I just need to learn to adjust, and its taking a lot longer than I thought.

And I hate it when people say, 'don't wish these years away, they won't come back'. I always think good, they're too flipping hard, while simultaneously feeling crippled with guilt that I am wishing my children's lives away. I am so much happier when ds is at nursery and I have a bit of space between us, is that so terrible?