I am loving reading this thread. After posting the other night, a memory from my own childhood came to me and I suddenly realised I wanted to add a further idea. When I was about 5 or 6 years old, I was at my sister's birthday party at home, and we were playing something like spin the bottle. Not sure if it was exactly that kissing game as we may know it (!) but it certainly involved someone being in charge of spinning a bottle in the middle of a circle of kids. The older kid from next door who was 12 or something was given that responsibility as she was oldest, but I wanted to have just 1 go at spinning it on one of the turns. Now, for some reason, my mum decided that she wouldn't let me. I think it was only because she already had someone else doing that job, and in her eyes, I just didn't need to do it. But I really really wanted to have a go, just 1 go, and just couldn't understand why she wouldn't let me. (as an adult, I STILL don't understand why she wouldn't let me, other than I guess she was the harrassed party hostess who was just trying to keep the game flowing).
Now, this whole memory has stuck with me for 30-odd years. I distinctly remember the gut-wrenching disappointment at my mum not understanding why it was so important to me to do it, and also the utter, utter unfairness at not being allowed to do a simple, quick thing. I went into a total emotional meltdown, I just felt so SAD......my dad had to take me upstairs as I was getting hysterical with crying and they just didn't "get" what I was getting upset about. It even got so far as them asking their neighbour for advice as I was beside myself with crying and as a nurse, she told them to slap me across the face once to shock me out of it. Well, as you can imagine, after the first metaphorical slap in the face of not being allowed to have a turn at spinning the bottle, to then get an actual slap across the face, I was a total mess.......I think the only thing that calmed me down in the end was my dad taking me and my friend out the house to get some crisps from the shop. The trauma of my feelings during that whole episode has stuck with me all my life and I'm sure it has helped in the parenting style I have with my own kids. I really try and put myself in my kids' position as much as possible, to UNDERSTAND their behaviour and reactions to situations. Sometimes it helps me to realise when I am being too harsh on them for a tiny misdemeanour (i.e. choose your battles - not everything is worth fighting over, is what I've learned from that).
But most of all, it has taught me to try and imagine how a toddler or a 4 year old thinks. Even if they are getting upset at something which seems trivial to ME, I try imagine how THEY are viewing it. For example, I try never to dismiss their concerns and tell them they are being silly if they are kicking up a fuss about something, as to them it might really, really matter! If they are moaning and getting in a state about something which really is out of my control eg. we are in a traffic jam in the car and they are getting restless and whingey, I really try and make a conscious effort to empathise with them and say "oooh yes, this is very annoying having to wait in this queue, isn't it? I wonder how long we'll have to wait here for, shall we have bets on when it'll start moving again blah blah", instead of just shouting "Oh will you just STOP moaning!". Usually I find that that sort of comment only serves to get their backs up and moan even more, and the whole thing escalates, but if they hear that you are actually acknowledging that they are feeling fed up, and agree with them, then it really calms the situation down. If you are still reading this v long post, Balanomorey, , then for example, in the situation you describe of your little girl getting angry at not being able to have her kinder egg cos the other choc bar had already been put through the till, then if you just try and imagine her disappointment, and say something like "oh no, that's a shame, isn't it, the man has already put it through the till so we'll have to put the kinder egg back. I know you really wanted the kinder egg, too. Never mind, though, as next time we need petrol we'll come here, hey, and buy a kinder egg then - how about that?"
I'm only taking your kinder egg thing as an example - I've been in lots of situations like it with my own kids, and just find the empathising thing mostly works, and just lets them feel you are on their side! Of course, I've had times with my two where they've just been in a shit mood and the "let's get it next time, would that be good?" type of thing is met with a "NOOOOO!!!!! I want it NOWWWW!", and then I've just had to accept that no amount of poncey empathising is going to calm them down and we just have to get out of there pronto!
On another point you make, I totally sympathise about your back pain contributing to your short temper. I've had severe back pain in the past for weeks on end and I know, it turns you into a different person, doesn't it? It is really, really depressing, the constant pain. I can totally understand you being short with your kids anyway ifyou're in pain, but especially if it's been made worse by having to lift your daughter cos she won't shift herself! The problem is, that you can try and explain to kids about if you're feeling ill or in pain or fed up or whatever till you're blue in the face, and the response you always seem to get is "Oh, really? Oh dear. Can I have my tea now?" Oh, yes, this bloody empathy business certainly isn't a reciprocal arrangement in our house. I've heard that kids don't really learn how to empathise properly till they're a lot older. It's really annoying that at the age my two are, they expect you to be supermummy 24/7 no matter how shit you tell them you are feeling.
Mimizan: "DS1 was described as 'bright, humourous and charismatic'". You are describing my DS2, age 2.5, to a T. It's only recently I've started to notice these fantastic things about him, as before now, his whingeing and constant need for attention overshadowed the good points of his personality. Slowly, slowly we are getting there......I honestly can't wait until he's a bit older and has more scope at nursery and school or clubs etc to really shine at last. I just think he's not naturally comfy in himself having to be a toddler, but somehow I have the feeling that he will really shine as he gets older.