Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Original poster

If you found out that your child had said this to an adult, how would you react?

283 replies

sandyballs · 18/02/2008 15:49

A friend's DD stayed the night on Fri and was generally well behaved, if a bit moany and moody. Sat morning my DH was telling one of my girls off about something and this child said very loudly 'God, he goes on and on doesn't he', then followed this up with 'Will someone please shut him up'. She is 7. I was stunned and told her that this was unacceptable in our house, she cried and locked herself in the bathroom.

When I dropped her home I mentioned it to to her mum who didn't seem particularly bothered, she made light of it, saying that she probably didn't mean it as I interpreted it .

Just curious to see what the general view on MN is.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
blueshoes · 18/02/2008 21:59

When I was 7, I had only just started school (not UK). They are just babies, really. Just in need of gentle guidance and a little ... faith and patience. If adults are going to come down hard on something like this (beyond a kindly reminder of what is accceptable behaviour), god knows how they will rebel as teenagers.

And the world is not going to hell in a handbasket just because a 7 year old was cheeky and inappropriate.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/02/2008 21:59

LOL Cam. DS regularly pinches the bums of pretty ladies when we are out shopping. Unfortunately, they always turn around and laugh at him, and tell him he's sweet.

Whaddya gonna do?

He'll go far in life I'm sure!

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 18/02/2008 22:00

now I may be all innocent here as I only have a two year old, but I would feel really upset if my child had gone to a sleep over and had ended up crying in the bathroom.

I'd much rather an adult tell me face to face what had happened so I could address it, and if it happened in my home, I would tell my children later that I did not feel it was an acceptable sentence. I have looked after my goddaughter, neice and cousin at the same time and had them sleepover, they get a bit cheeky but anything over stepping the mark, I tell the parents about.

At the moment, DD is reprimanded by our childminder, but she knows what I expect to be picked up on, and a 2 year old needs to be told at the time of the event, a 7 year old can be dealt with afterwards.

I said all kinds of crap when I was younger but would have felt awful if a adult I did not know that well told me off.

hunkermunker · 18/02/2008 22:00

AbbeyA, I wouldn't have said something like this to a friend's dad. But I do remember the hot shame that welled up from my feet and threatened to geyser out of my face when I realised I'd Got Something Wrong, socially speaking.

I didn't need telling off for it. A raised eyebrow in my direction would have been more than enough - and had my behaviour been forensically dissected on my return home, I'd have been beside myself with humiliation.

AbbeyA · 18/02/2008 22:02

My children are all boys and teenagers and I don't accept rudeness.We disagree quite often but they are not rude.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/02/2008 22:05

Oh me too hunker. Although, we are sensitive souls...I'm sure there are those out there who would be utterly oblivious to social etiquette

Sandyballs...I had a feeling there was much more to it than this incident

ingles2 · 18/02/2008 22:05

So is this a girl thing then??? girl in OP was rude, would have told her, end of.
Having 2 boys of sleepover age, I've got no problems "disciplining" their mates, and I would expect the same. Visit my house, abide by my rules and that means sitting at the table to eat, not jumping on the furniture and saying please and thank you.

Cam · 18/02/2008 22:08

Happy for you AbbeyA. My 2 dds are also very well behaved and polite.

However there are ways and ways of setting an example

One way could be to not draw attention to an obvious inappropriate remark

zog · 18/02/2008 22:10

Agree with 100x etc

Whenever visiting kids are rude, I will say something like "Excuse me" with slightly raised eyebrows and then swiftly move on. TBH, this is for my kids' benefit, rather than the visitors - as others have said, it's a lot to expect children to get all the social niceties right all the time.

What I will do sometimes, though, is bring it up with my kids after the visitor has gone home. One child said "FGS, eargh, I'm not eating THAT" when presented with a plate of spag bol. Visitor got "Just eat what you want to" - my kids were advised that that wasn't such a good thing to say at other people's houses

hunkermunker · 18/02/2008 22:10

(Consider it a gift, Cam, I have plenty )

seeker · 18/02/2008 22:11

If it was a 7 year old I knew well enough (and who knew me well enough) for a sleepover, I would tell off if telling of was needed. And in this case, I think it was - I do find it a bit shocking that so many people think talking to anyone - adult or another child like this is acceptable or even funny! (What a quaint old fasnioned soul I am!)

But I wouldn't have mentioned it to the other mother unless I felt that the child was still harbouring resentment, or felt unfairly treated or if the behaviour had gone on and on. Or if the behaviour was very uncharacteristic and might indicate a problem the mum ought to know about. As it didn't, and everyone had a nice time afterwards, I would have just forgiven and forgotten - just like I would try to do with my own dcs

zog · 18/02/2008 22:12

Agree - I don't think I would have mentioned it to the Mum.

AbbeyA · 18/02/2008 22:16

I don't expect that I would have mentioned it to the mum, but I would have liked it mentioned to me, so I am not sure which is the right thing to do.

Original poster
sandyballs · 18/02/2008 22:19

I'm amazed at the amount of people saying they wouldn't have mentioned it to the mum. Would you really not want to know that your kid had said that? I suppose not if you think its funny/cute/silly, rather than incredibly rude.

So I drop her home, the mum asks if she has been well behaved, do i just grin and say yes, lovely. I didn't make a great big sombre thing of it, it was just mentioned casually, this is what was said/happened etc. And I do realise she could have been a lot worse, but blimey, kids shouldn't be allowed to speak to adults like that.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/02/2008 22:22

OH yes, absolutely ways and means.

For example, never accuse your teenage son of using the bathroom as a "wanking post" whilst in the company of his friends, and brothers

My brother still holds that up as a reason to be disrespectful to our mother!

AbbeyA · 18/02/2008 22:22

If the mother asked if she was well behaved then you didn't have any choice-you could hardly lie.When I said I probably wouldn't have mentioned it I meant that I wouldn't have introduced the subject.

Cam · 18/02/2008 22:25

But she had already been told off. No double punishment necessary.

Or, in my case, I would have forgotten about it by the time I dropped the child off.

quint · 18/02/2008 22:28

Haven't had time to read the whole thread I'm afraid and off to bed now as very tired, but I think that the OP handled the situation very well.

Iff DD1 has a friend over and they are rude I would explain that I will not be spoken to in that way.

When I was a nanny, there was a little boy (I shall call him V) who was consitantly rude, one day I'd had enough and gently but firmly told him off, he turned on the tears and said he was telling his mummy of me, so I explained that he could do that and I wondered what she would think about his behaviour when I told her - after initially saying he didn't want to come over again, he and the boy I cared for became really good friends and V and I always got on really well.

If either of my DD's ever begaved like that I would expect the other mother to say something. As a society we all seem to be so scared of discipling other people's children in case we cause offence

2shoes · 18/02/2008 22:29

wow 218 posts
child is rude gets told of..crys and gets over it.

leetlelapin · 18/02/2008 22:30

sandyballs, no it's not that I find it funny or cute or whatever. it's just that it was hours ago isn't it and tbh a bit trivial in the scheme of things.
if the mother asked me, I would say yes she was fine but she did get a bit upset earlier but it was all resolved.
I just don't see it as my role to discipline other people's children in this way, by hving a debrief with the mother.
obviously if it was something serious, I might feel differently - if she had deliberately broken something or stolen something for example.

Remotew · 18/02/2008 22:35

Sleepovers are meant to be fun for the children. Dont have them if you expect other peoples kids to act in the manner that you have brought up your own.

ahundredtimes · 18/02/2008 22:37

Why tell the mother? What's the point?

She was rude. You dealt with it. You move on.

Do you really want the mother to punish her daughter for saying something hours ago when she wasn't there? And it doesn't sound as though you think the mother WAS going to do anything - so why tell her?

If you think there is a problem there, and if you like the mother and want to help her out - then have a coffee and a chat about it another time.

PortAndLemon · 18/02/2008 22:40

Given the direct question on whether she behaved, I might have said something like "well, she was a bit cheeky to DH this morning and I had to have words, but apart from that she's been fine". You did say in your OP that she'd been generally well behaved, after all.

If there had been a consistent pattern of bad behaviour, or if there were one incident that you hadn't felt confident dealing with then yes, I'd expect it to be mentioned as something that would need to be handled at home after the event, but if her behaviour was generally good and you'd already reprimanded her and reinforced the appropriate standards of behaviour then I wouldn't think it needed to be raked up again.

NadineBaggott · 18/02/2008 22:41

I'm with Twig and Wigwambam (as per)

Sounds like a child that rules the roost in her own home and was probably shocked to tears at someone actually having the nerve to bring her up on her rudeness.

Sad because it's not her fault. If her parents allow that behaviour and make excuses for her "she probably didn't mean it that way" what can you expect?

You did the right thing sandyballs, absolutely.

berolina · 18/02/2008 22:43

The original comments were obviously very rude - and if that had been my child I would have been perfectly happy with her being told so, and would have told her so myself in no uncertain terms if I had been present - but quite clearly an (inappropriate) imitation of some kind of adult banter. The later comments, while also shockingly rude, were just as clearly a reaction to the faux pas being discussed with her mother in front of her.

Rudeness is unacceptable, of course. My ds is not allowed to be rude. But personally I'd save this level of righteous indignation for actions that actually hurt others. FWIW, while I agree children need to be taught to respect adults inasmuch as they need to respect other people, I am very slightly uncomfortable with the how-dare-you-say-that-to-an-ADULT thing. Here, the really rude thing was IMO the disrespect of hospitality.