If you found out that your child had said this to an adult, how would you react?

[sandyballs]

A friend's DD stayed the night on Fri and was generally well behaved, if a bit moany and moody. Sat morning my DH was telling one of my girls off about something and this child said very loudly 'God, he goes on and on doesn't he', then followed this up with 'Will someone please shut him up'. She is 7. I was stunned and told her that this was unacceptable in our house, she cried and locked herself in the bathroom.

When I dropped her home I mentioned it to to her mum who didn't seem particularly bothered, she made light of it, saying that she probably didn't mean it as I interpreted it .

Just curious to see what the general view on MN is.

Some families have banter and teasing for certain personality traits. For instance if my Dad displays any signs of penny-pinching my db, dm and I would always laugh and accuse him of turning into his father (who was a dreadful scrooge). Perhaps her father has a recognised tendency to go on and on long after his point is made and it's accepted in the family to joke about it.

At that age you don't realise that all families operate differently, if something is acceptable at home then a child might think it's acceptable in other families too. Hence the tears because you called her rude, and her mother's comment about her not meaning it that way.

Just to put another spin on it...

When I was about that age and my siblings and I would constantly harass my mother by saying 'Muuuum ... what are you doing?' over and over again, when it was perfectly obvious that she was washing up or cooking or on the phone or whatever. So she got in the habit of saying 'Having a shower! What does it look like I'm doing!' in mock exasperation - which we thought was hysterically funny.

So of course, I repeated this at a friend's house when she asked me what I was doing(either to my friend or her mother). I got told (rightly) that what I said wasn't very nice, and I was absolutely mortified to think that I had been rude. Probably cried a bit too.

So it is possible that she may not have realised that she was being rude - just not old enough to judge what is appropriate IYSWIM.

Not that you shouldn't have told her what she said was unacceptable, but perhaps not to read more into it and just let it go.

Sort of x-posts with bran. That's pretty much what I meant.

FGS some people are sooooooooooo afraid of making their LO's cry (or even upset) that they do anything - anything to avoid it.(buying unsuitable toys/food/sweets etc) I dont see what the prob is. She got told off, she got embarrassed because she got told off in front of friends, she cried. I suppose in her house (and some others on this thread) that would mean everyone falling over themselves to 'jolly' her up and stop the dreaded tears.
FFS.

Thanks for all your comments. I do find it a bit scary that so many of you are more concerned about her crying than her attitude and rudeness .

If I left my children in the care of someone else, as I do now and then, I would expect them to be told if they are out of order. Obviously not in a shouty nasty way.

Jesus, she's 7!! What's she going to be like at 17 if she's allowed to get away with stuff like this. And I know it could be worse, you're right she could have called dh a fucker , but even so, I think it was pretty damn rude.

I think a child who is as ostentatiously rude as that, and then cries and locks herself in the bathroom when reprimanded, is probably a very insecure and unhappy little girl.

"manipulative little madam" - well, maybe - but children aren't like that naturally, they behave like this for a reason. I wonder how stable her home life is?

None of that is your problem though, and if you did just gently point out that it was rude, I don't think you did anything wrong as such.

Message withdrawn

I'm not surprised that she cried when told off, this is something that I would have done as a child and something that I could see that my dd would do, I certainly would not of said that i was a manipulative child or that my dd is. In fact, I would think that reaction would be fairly common.

little bella - no i dont leave my child in other peoples care and i may be in a minority for saying i dont like it when other people tell my dd off but that is up to me!!
im not saying drop everything im saying that i agree with her dh he wanted the child to go home so if he feels what she said was that rude then they should have taken her home for her mum to deal with !

I would thank you for helping me teach my dd manners.
I would be sad that my dd had been rude to you or your d/p.

Exactly potoroo

Based on one incident only, that is the sort of explanation I'd usually go for, i.e a mixture of things heard out of context and the inability of a small child to know that what is often said in a funny/teasing way at home may not be appropriate elsewhere etc.

I think pointing out that your rules are different along the lines of 'We don't say thing like that here' is absolutely fine.

It may well make the child cry (from embarrassment or possibly even anger at being corrected) but it is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

You see, I wouldn't be 'stunned' if a child said this to me. I might quite casually say "I don't think that's a very nice thing to say" but I wouldn't have seen it as any big deal and I wouldn't have done any more than 'no thank you, we don't want to hear that thanks' and I'd have moved on, got on with whatever we were doing. I certainly wouldn't have thought it a big enough deal to mention it to her mum. And I really doubt that this child came up with this on her own, it sounds like the kind of thing one adult might say to another in joking fashion, and everyone laughed and she decided to say it too. I doubt she meant to be rude or considered it rude.

I agree, children can't differentiate between diff rules for diff families - what passes for banter in one house is complete rudeness to another.

Ohh Sandy, I really sympathise. I have had this issue before. I once looked after a friend's child (aged 4) for a day. I took my 2 and her to the swings. We came back early as she said she was cold and stopped at the village shop as I had said I would get them a balloon each and we could play with them when we got home. She wanted me to buy chocolate and I refused. She screamed the place down and then lay on the pavement outside the shop and screamed some more. I did not know what to do but did not back down. Her mother was also upset that she had got upset.

I have to say, your house, your rules. You might bend them a bit for guests but out and out rudeness is not acceptable ever and assuming that she was not screamed at, telling her so was quite acceptable.

some of you presume so much about others lives !!

I don't think there's anything wrong with tellniog other people's chldren off btw, not at all. And I wouldn't put up with bad behaviour in my house from a child who was staying. I suppose we all have different things we get worked up about and I'd have probably shrugged and moved on on this one. There may be other things that would push my buttons though, I'm fully prepared to accept that.

I'd be mortified if DSs spoke to a friend's dad like that.

Do you really think so Greensleeves?

I'm not sure I would think that. As I've said without any other evidence to suggest otherwise I'd just assume she was embarrased and didn't like being corrected (who does).

You may well have a point though. Also the Op pointed out that she was bit moody during the stay so perhaps there was more to it than just a one-off.

See, I'd have corrected her, told her it wasn't acceptable in my house, and moved rapidly on - she is seven, and old enough to know better, but she is also only seven, and seven is young enough to have your mistakes immediately forgiven.

Oh Greensleeves, she was cheeky, that's all. Not all children are naturally sweet and polite and full of the joys of life all the time. It doesn't mean their home life isn't stable.

Oh colditz, keep your wig on. I'm just contributing my opinion. Not all MNers are naturally in agreement with you all the time.

WW - the thing is I'd be mortified if ds said this to someone else (partly because I know how people react) but I don't think I'd have mentioned this child's behaviour to her parent as I wouldn't have thought it was that big a deal either.

I would have have definitely said something about it to her and asked her not to talk like that and left it at that.

The crying would have been irrelevant for me. Some adults cry more than others and some children cry more than others.

Agree that she was being rude but..... tell us sandy - WAS he going on a bit? over nothing? like men do?

It was immediately forgiven Colditz. She came out of the bathroom, we continued with breakfast and it wasn't mentioned again. We went to the park and had a lovely time.

It was only when I dropped her home and her mum asked me if she had behaved that I mentioned it. I would want to be told if the situation was reversed so I could speak to my DD and deal with it. The girl got very lippy and cheeky when me and her mum were discussing it, probably again out of embarrassment, who knows. She said it was the worse sleepover she has ever had, she hated me and DH and didn't want to come again. I almost reverted to being 7 again myself and reply with 'Good, don't want you to come over anyway' but refrained .
Her mum wetly (in my opinion only, of course ) tried to stop her DD saying these things but she's basically allowed to say what she wants, when she wants. If the situation had been reversed my DD would have been off that kitchen stool and straight into her bedroom.

I'm with WWW. If a child of mine had said it I'd tell them to be politer but I'm really failing to see this as a terrible terrible thing for a 7 year old to say. She's 7 so learning what's acceptable and what's not and when and in what situation.

He has been known to go on, I must admit. But in this case I must defend him. DD was throwing marbles round the lounge , so had to be stopped.