If you found out that your child had said this to an adult, how would you react?

[sandyballs]

A friend's DD stayed the night on Fri and was generally well behaved, if a bit moany and moody. Sat morning my DH was telling one of my girls off about something and this child said very loudly 'God, he goes on and on doesn't he', then followed this up with 'Will someone please shut him up'. She is 7. I was stunned and told her that this was unacceptable in our house, she cried and locked herself in the bathroom.

When I dropped her home I mentioned it to to her mum who didn't seem particularly bothered, she made light of it, saying that she probably didn't mean it as I interpreted it .

Just curious to see what the general view on MN is.

Oh yes, the subtleties are tough still at that age. I suppose it depends on the context though. I'd treat any child in my care the same as my own though - on both ends of the scale.

Subtleties are tricky at that age - all the more reason to be showing her when she is going wrong. She cannot go throught life expecting to talk to grown-ups in their own homes, like that.

Showing her where she's going wrong -- yes (did anyone suggest that sandyballs should have completely ignored the behaviour?).

Assuming that she must be badly brought up or a manipulative little madam or a brat because she hasn't yet fully grasped the subtleties and still needs to be shown where she's going wrong -- more dubious, IMO

Very rude thing to say and even worse that she was then very rude when you dropped her off. The cheek of the child! I could have let the original remark go after a brief 'that's not a very nice thing to say' but the continued insolence is really not on.

I would have said something to her mother, a. because I'd want to know if it was my child and b. because the girl might well have said something herself - and, by the sound of things, it would have been an embroidered version. But I would have tempered it by saying she was lovely etc. etc. we just had one sticky moment.

would you? I wouldn't tbh QV
I am always kinder to guests and gentler with other people's children than my own

And if ds steps out of line on a playdate, I'd expect the host to correct him - not go OTT but definitely tell him off.

I expect visiting children to be well bahaved because my experience is that they usually are (the Kevin/Perry syndrome). But of course children in groups can also be very silly at times. If they were all being silly then I would have done a calm down type telling off, but it soesn't sound that way here. Sadly I can imagine dd possibly being like this (although more with us than any other parents) and crying on being told off. She is a bit of a drama queen - both on the original performance and on the tears afterwards. But I would be mortified if she then persisted in the rudness at home. There would be no more sleepovers for her for some time (although in fact dd has never been invited for a sleepover, and would love to go to one).

All families are different. Maybe if an adult is telling someone off in her house, someone defuses the situation with this sort of cheeky humour. It seems an unusual thing for a child to say but I'd reckon it came from home and it wasn't necessarily rudeness, it was perhaps her family's humour. You have assumed it was awful rudeness.

I would have said something to explain why dh was cross with dd, perhaps, but I wouldn't have told the visiting child that she was behaving unacceptably.

Your dd's friend was saying in your house what is commonly said in her own house. That is why the mother was not particularly concerned.

I would not have been cross with the child but would have told her firmly that I need for everyone in my house to show respect for everyone else at all times.

This reminds me of an incident at one of our playdates when one of dd's friends said something similar to me which took me totally aback, I can't for the moment recollect the exact words, but I did realise straightaway that it was the sort of jolly banter that you would indulge in with your own parents- except that she'd never met me before.

They were about the age of 6 or 7 and dd who stood by was horrified because she had worked out long ago that you can't address strangers in the familiar way you do your own parents- but this little girl clearly hadn't made the connection. I realised it wasn't a deliberate attempt to cause offence, but more a case of extremely bad judgment, so didn't react very strongly at all. But dd dropped the friend soon afterwards: she said she found her too babyish. I expect this incidence helped.

Also reminded of dh's friend who on their first meeting addressed my FIL with the words 'watcher, bighead!'- though he was quite a bit smaller. But the family still tell the story over 40 years later.

oo, respect for everyone else at all times sounds a little grim.

It's utterly depressing that more than half the posts on here are defending, condoning and making excuses for the atrocious behaviour described in the OP. No prizes for guessing how your kids carry on then.

Do you all go marching into school everytime a teacher raises their voice? I bet you do.

It's no wonder the world is in such a sorry fucked up state.

"No prizes for guessing how your kids carry on then."

what is that supposed to mean, bobbysmum?

Exactly what it says.

This reminds me of something my ds (then aged 6) said to his teacher. When she asked a child in their class to put something in the bin for her, he piped up with "And what did your last slave die of?" - which is something dh and I regularly say to each other if we have been asked to do something the other one is perfectly capable of.

Ds had no idea it might have been rude. Fortunately the teacher knows he is usually a very polite respectful boy, and wasn't cross, although told him that it might not always be appropriate to make that sort of comment. He would have been mortified if he had been told off, and may well have cried, as he hates to "do the wrong thing". When she told me about it, she had obviously seen the funny side and didn't mind, but I did then have a chat with him at home to say that it was something that Daddy and I say for a joke, because we know each other really well, but not the sort of thing you can just say to anyone.

I think it is fine in this situation with this age child to tell them that that is not something we say in our house, calmly as you did. But I would not necessarily have mentioned it to the mum, if the child had been otherwise polite and well-behaved.

By the way the answer to "What did your last slave die of?" is "Boredom, and I won't let that happen again!"

Bobbysmum - I have very polite well-behaved children as I am sure do most of the posters on here, whatever their opinions on how the OP dealt with the sleepover backchat incident. I think your post was uncalled for and really rather rude.

i agree pointydog .

imo kids are going to be kids and they will make mistakes while learning what is right and wrong
i dont think you can expect a 6/7 year old to judge certain situations and why should they grow up so quickly and while they should have respect for adults i think that they wouldnt be kids if they wernt cheeky sometimes
i also think there are times to pick up on things and times to let things just go over your head or you would be telling them off all day
in this situation if a kid said that to my dp im pretty sure he wouldnt be able to say anything for trying to hold the laughter in !
but i do teach my dd not to be rude and have respect x before you all think im a terrible mother

Bobbysmum ... You really are a piece of work, aren't you?

To the OP - to be honest she sounds like a madam and if the Mum didn't reproach her for saying those things in front of you both I don't really think there is much hope of a lesson learned which will come back to bite her Mother later.

I think the point here is not that the child was bad for making a rude comment (which they all do and is perfectly normal) but how the adults in her life chose to teach her something about the way to behave with others which sadly was completely dismissed.

omg bobbysmum just what i said eirlier just because we are not all coming down hard on our kids doesnt mean we do set rules get a grip just because its the way you do it doesnt make it right !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! everyone does things differently

Well I suppose it depends whether you see it as a terrible thing to say which means the child is destined to a lifetime of brattishness or a 7 year old making an attempt at humour and getting it wrong. I spend a lot of time around autistic kids - who - when they can speak will tell you exactly what they think- and if they can't will still make it quite clear if they want you to go, so I really can't get over-excited by this sort of rudeness.

DS2 always seems to be ridiculously well behaved at other people's houses but if I was told that he'd said something like this I'd explain to him why he'd got it wrong. I wouldn't tell him off though or send him to his room or feed him on gruel and water or whatever seems to be the going mumsnet punishment for this sort of misdemeanour because honestly I think there are bigger things to get ones knickers in a twist about. If I found the child concerned irritatingly rude then I just wouldn't invite them back.

I'm with www, 100x and lazycow. Just mention to girl that it is not polite (with a smile), no big deal, move on. I might mention to the mother, simply because the girl took it so badly - but I totally understand how a 7 year old girl would react in this way. She is just learning, neither she nor her mother needs to be judged.

She could have picked it up from other adults, from the TV. Her words are precocious, but she just needed to understand context.

Carolyn194, thank you for the teacher's perspective. It sounds very sensible and tactful in dealing with these sometimes hormonal 7 year olds.

What about the comments made to the OP, in her mothers presence, about it being a rubbish sleepover? What happened to 'thank you for having me'? What about the rudeness shown there? Do you think it's just the child being precocious/funny/hormonal(wtf?)

Think the OP dealt with it admirably.

Because the girl's mother asked how her dd's behaviour had been and because the girl had been upset/embarrassed enough to shut herself away, then yes the OP should have told the other mother imo.

However, because it had been dealt with I wouldn't feel the need for further chastisement (dh would!) but later on in the day we would have a gentle talk about appropriate comments in the right context.

I would, however, not be happy at the remarks made by the child when dropped off at the doorstep & would apologise privately to the OP whilst indicating to child that an apology was definitely in order. I think at 7 they do know that they should not to be rude to adults.

captainmummy, I only read the OP - did not see any of what you said there.

If the girl did say that, yes, it is rude and I will say so to her as well. It is not the end of the world and I don't feel angry (?). My niece is 5 and terribly precocious, quite fiery in nature. I can see those words coming out of her mouth. I don't think badly if it did. Just correct and move on. Her parents would be mortified if they knew and they are not bad people.