Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

Yes, absolutely normal. They first few weeks are a nightmare, and your hormones are all over the place to boot. Get as much help as you can, ignore the houseworl, buy a massive ;laundry basket and retire to bed for as much of the day as you can manage! I didn't leave the flat for a fortnight - be realistic about what you can do at this stage

Are you bfing? Resign youself to feeding all the time - it will settle down again in a few days (and go manic again at about 3 weeks...). Co-sleep if you're happy with it. Sleep while the baby sleeps. Get other people to cook and clean for you. Be gentle with each other - you've both been through a stressful experience.

neuroticlady, I think it's completely normal, especially with your first Baby, to feel completely overwhelemed, because before you have a child, it's impossible to really appreciate the change they can mean to ones life.
I also think we often have a certain anticipation about how it will be having a Baby and what kind of parent we will be, and well...especially in the early days parenting doesn't come into it, it's pure survivial of the fittest.
Things will become easier over time though, and just be easy on yoruself, it is a lerning curb, and in our society we often haen't really got a chance to get a proper insight into parenthood, until we actually beocme parents...but it will come.
Not sure if this helps you,but things will get easier!

yes, we were same. Lack of sleep does not make the world look rosy. But it gets better. Quite quickly....

If he is fed and clean he's either tired or grumpy....can you bung him in a pram and go for a walk - it may do you all good.

You will start enjoying it I promise!

That is completely and utterly normal. I used to feel like a big bus had gone past me with 'my life' written on the front - and I'd missed it!
Ok - so to move forward: stuff the house and laundry etc etc. You must have takeaway or nice ready meals for the rest of the week. Is there a laundrette nearby? If so take some washing there and have them do a service wash. If there is a nice barbers near you I suggest dh goes and has a shave - apparently it's a total revealation to have someone do this for you and then you need to ring you hairdressers and ask them just to wash and dry your hair - no time for a cut but if they wash it (with a good head massage too) you will feel a lot better. The other person can walk the streets with baby whislt this is going on. If you don't have a sling get one! And if you can bear it - get outside and just walk - good chance baby will sleep Congratulations on your beautiful son - you have waited a long time for your baby and your new lives as a family are going to be a hundred times better than your old ones - you just need to 'move into' them a bit.

oh dear, that is very very normal. my husband used to leave for work with me sat on the sofa, breastfeeding and crying (as i have been breastfeeding all night) and for him to come home 11 hours later, am still in the same pajamas, still on the sofa, still crying.
it doesn't help that people say, oh baby is crying because she can feel your stress (which is caused by baby) etc etc. anyway, if you find you have to carry her quite a bit, buy a sling, at least it frees your arms, get the cleaner in a few more times during the week for at least a few weeks, buy frozen food (www.cookfood.net) - to keep you going for a while. it does get better, i know little comfort for now. But i personally know how tough it can be.
If you are breastfeeding, rent lots of DVDs like friends of csi etc etc., it does take your mind things off a bit.
i had no relatives around. i know some of my suggestions above require some spare money and i don't know your personal situation. but if you have money spare, now is the time to put that to use!!!

Oh don't feel bad. It's totally normal. I wept my way through weeks 0-4 and then most days till week 12! But honestly it gets sooo much better. By late Spring you'll be doing really well, I'm sure. Things click into place and you'll be taking your lovely smiley baby to the park to look at the flowers and ducks. It's just people think it'll be straight to park and flowers and ducks and actually you have to get through the newborn stage first.

It's normal, it's expected. You really can't believe the havoc that such a small being can wreak.

It's gets better, once you adjusted, it really does.

Hunker down for the next few weeks. No unnecessary distractions, like cleaning and tidying, accept all help offered without question and trim your expectations (it takes a while before you feel like a mummy).

Just caring for your baby (the nappies, the feeding) will do for now - don't worry about anything else.

Sending lots of positive vibes. Oh and newborns will cry for absolutely no reason you can discern sometimes. If you've checked the obvious, be reassured it's nothing you are doing wrong.

I remeber this so clearly. People would say oh you know the cry for food and nappy etc, we just used to look at each other and work through the list, well he not hungry, wet, dirty, too cold, too hot, tired and on and on and on.

I think that the expectation is far removed from the reality and that it is such a big change to your lifes it takes time to adjust.

Just sit back and try to relax, it does get better

My DH (holding bright red angry baby) has just been reading your replies over my shoulder, and it makes us both feel SO much better to hear others say it's ok to feel like this right now, and that it will get better. And hopefully soon!! I would love to take him out for a walk but unfortunately we're currently living in Australia and it's the middle of the night, which always makes everything feel so much worse. Especially as all our families are back home in England. Oh it makes me want to cry... And as for breastfeeding, it was a disaster. I had breast cancer and I won't bore you with the details but I've ended up having to give up after having such a rubbish supply he rejected the breast completely. I am devastated about it and I don't think it's helped with my negative feelings towards him. My poor DH is trying so hard to be supportive but he's miserable too! I wish we had our families around us just to bounce the baby around or provide a meal or two and give us a break but the reality is we're on our own. It wasn't meant to be like this, was it??

Stupid, naive question, but when might we start to get some joy out of this...???

I wish I had heard of MN 8 years ago, when I had my DS. My DH was at work all day, and out most evenings (sport/meetings etc), and I was so miserable.
Then my lovely sister wrote me a letter, explaining that it was perfectly normal, and everyone else had been the same. It was better in a letter, than face-to-face, I felt a bit stupid for crying all the time. I was completely overwhelmed by it all.

For me, giving up strugggling with the BF was great - then just trying to get out more (even though it was raining most of the time)

good luck, you will look back on this later, and you are lucky that you are able to speak to your DH about it.

the ugly truth - for many people the first year is an absolute bloody nightmare. it was for us. mine was wanted and planned too, but he was one heck of a screamer and he basically cried all his waking time for the first 3 months. i fantasised about walking out many times, and i totally regretted having him. i screamed at him to fuck off and i daydreamed that he would die despite feeling so protective of him. god, i felt so guilty.
the beautiful truth - now he's 16mths and i think he's brilliant. i LOVE toddlers, they are so much better than babies. however, many parents i know think the opposite. i guess their babies were easier than mine. we are best friends now, me and him. we fall out several times a day admittedly (especially teething) but it really is heavenly compared to the horrendous first few months.
for me these are the things that helped: i found that going to baby groups was a lifesaver. staying indoors was murderous for me. find what works best for you. i turned up at babycafes bawling my eyes out on many an ocassion. where are you? if you are in Leeds, i can recommend many! if you are somewhere else post on your Mumsnet local site and find someone. which brings me to...
remember you are not alone. USE MUMSNET. this was my second lifeline.
put everything else on the back shelf. nap when you can. mine was a vile sleeper, and he still wakes up stupidly early, and often doesn't sleep through the night. but, again, its not like in the beginning.
write a list of all the things you are looking forward to. for me, sleepovers at the Natural History Museum when he's 6 was one of them! the baby stage will go really quickly (some say a shame, others of us say thank god!)
learn about your own baby. yeah, read the books if its interesting, but don't expect yours to comply. mine wouldn't be put down EVER. he slept on me or my partner. normal, normal, normal. now he naps 2hrs every lunch and goes to bed at 7 in his own room, and usually he asks to go to sleep! don't believe the doomsayers that if you let your tiny child nap on you now then they won't ever sleep on the own! bollocks!
eat. drink water. i often forgot, and i was breastfeeding. oops.
don't expect to feel the same about your partner for a while. thats normal, and it changes.
indeed, everything passes. this little monster in your arms will grow on you, into some brilliant great child that fills you with hope and passion.
finally, theres nowt wrong with a large glass of red (or chocolate, or whatever your poison is) when you need it.
i've so been there. im so out of it. you will be too.
xxx

yes this is normal

talking to your dh as you are doing is a really good thing to do

also not being afraid to admit that it is shite

THINGS GET SO MUCH BETTER

god you did amazingly well to even try to feed after breast cancer

you sound like you have the makings of wonderful, caring parents

any chance of hiring any help with the house - cleaner etc?

when the bugger sleeps the night

I think I started feeling vaguely human after about week three...

Don't beat yourself up pver the bfing, you made the decision that was right for you

Living apart from family and friends must be hard - canyouy get in some help like a cleaner? Slings are also great for high-needs babies (DS was one of those, it IS hard but they are also really rewarding as older babies and toddlers) . Remember the whole thing has also come as a shock to your DS and it will take a while for him to adjust to the big wide world as well

One advatnage that you have is that when you're doing the lonely 3am shift (3am is the worst IME) there are loads of people here to support you

You can go for walks in the middle of the night! My dh still talks about the ones he did with our dd1. Sorry to hear about the trouble with b/feeding - was there anybody to give you any support? It can be very hard - but don't feel bad - you and your dh are doing a great job as parents! And actually it's really nice to read how much you are supporting one another too
As for Joy - it's there already and you will be able to see it soon. Nothing in this world can make your heart turn over like the wonder of your own child. You will have years and years and years of it, your hands will overflow

Totally normal. In fact I think the problem is sometimes worse in babies that have been wanted for a long time. You think of all the positives that a baby will bring and it pushes the negative bits to the back of your mind.

This is the most difficult time and it will get a lot easier I promise. Drives me mad when people say 'Oh you think it's bad now! Wait until they are X age' - thats a complete load of rubbish. There is nothing harder than dealing with a newborn for the first time.

Keep talking to your DH - you'll need each others support to keep going through this huge upheaval. You will get the housework done again and you will have time to yourselves again.

This phase doesn't last long, I think the best plan to follow is to give yourself a break by reducing your stress as much as possible, (best way to do this is to realise that you cannot do everything or read your babies mind and that wonderful natural mums who instantly cope are incredibly rare). If you manage to reduce your expectations to a more realistic level you will find that by the time this is all over you'll not be carrying a load of guilt around with you about how long it took you to come to terms with the changes a little one brought to your life.

Congratulations by the way

(only vaguely, the first year was tough for us as well)

neuroticlady, oh it's so much harder when you don't have Family support nearby (those doting grandparents come in so handy at times)....do you have closer friends that could be like a substitute family?

Breastfeeding can be difficult to get the hang off anyway, and I have no idea how the support system is out in OZ,but if you could get hold off a BF councellor or Lactation consultant, maybe it would be worth to have a chat with them, and see if a) maybe with a bit of help BF is achiavable, and if not, they will also be able to talk to you about your feelings, etc...!

I think, as soon as you ditch all expactations and just go with the flow things will become more enjoyable.
Whilst I know a messy house can be very unpsetting if you like things tidy, it really isn't the end of the world if things aren't spit and span...or maybe getting a mother helper or somehting in, mihgt help...

I think, if you can, the most important thing is, to get sleep whenever possible...and maybe this means "shiftwork" or sleeping when ever your little one is sleeping...

my dh drove dd around a lot. The motion, and a cd with a beat on would send her to sleep.

oh, and my little one transformed once he could move. he was dead fast, he first started walking at 8mths, he's now talking in sentences. i think he was angry all the time cos he was frustrated by not being able to do anything. so he became fun and all that by about 6mths. which isn't to say there weren't happy times before that.

started to feel a bit more human after 3 months -- but it did get marginally better after about 6-7 weeks......

you will get there in the end. and the fact that we ALL remember how difficult it was means it was REALLY difficult - not even time and lovely new experiences with the baby can erase. so you are not alone.

this is why cultures like italians, greeks, filipinos have it much easier. in those cultures, the family DESCENDS on the family that just had the baby, do all the cooking, cleaning and help with the baby. i think our society these days are just that bit more cut off and there are some days you wish to be surrounded by people who will do things for you, and this is one of them!

hang in there you both. And to the new dad, just keep supporting each other!

Oh wow, what wonderful responses - thank you. Making me feel less of a monster and more that this is just an awful stage we have to, and will, get through. Can't really afford a cleaner as much as it would help - will just have to turn a blind eye as much as possible. My parents are flying out from the uk at the end of the month and it cannot come soon enough, though I already dread them leaving. I am actually desperate to come back to England (you really can have too much sunshine...) and be with our families. I don't want to do this alone.

One of the worst aspects for me right now is opening all the congratualtions cards that say things like 'you must be over the moon' - no actually I am teary, feeling panicky, miserable, overwhelmed and functioning with the baby but with no real love (yet) behind it. And DH has admitted he feels just the same. We're just in a total panic that we've made a huge mistake but your posts have made me feel so much relief that we will reach a stage where it's joyful and rewarding. Thank you for your honesty and for telling it like it is. All you ever hear is how amazing it all is and nobody admits when it feels shit. Thank god for mumsnet to keep me sane through the long night here in Australia! x

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