Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

I don't have much to add, everyone here has echoed what i felt. I had twins very early (29 weeks), so had 8 weeks of them being in hospital and being looked after PROPERLY by PROFESSIONALS. The minute I got them home, I felt helpless, useless, pathetic and a failure.

For example for the first few days we would take it in turns to be upstairs with them and one or other of us would go out for supplies....if it was my turn to sit with them i didn't go to the loo, i didn't move basically....I would sit and sob wondering how on earth people made it through. Then it twigged, people do make it through, people go on to have MORE kids, so seriously how bad can it be?

It took me a good year to settle down properly, would feel very shaky a lot of the time.....I went back to work when they were 5 months old and I would dread going to pick them up, break into a cold sweat, panic almost. They are now 3, and I would love another! I can vividly remember how shit it used to be, but I also know how differently I would do everything. I have learned so much. (I also stupidly think one would be easier, but know i would have been the same had i had one instead of two)

At the time you are going through it, it's the worst experience of your life, but it really does fade, but I also remember being told the same and hating hearing it, thinking "but it's not fading, they are not sleeping, I can't go anywhere, do anything...." You find your own course, theres no right and wrong, but I can guarentee the minute you do take a deep breath and think I can do this, your little man will settle too. They feed off our angst and its a viscious circle, you get wound up, he gets more shouty, you cry, he's cries, blah blah.

Good luck and stay in touch

It is hard, hard, hard

What helped me was just trying to focus on the little happy things (rather than the great big disasterous things going on as my old life dissolved!). Things like when he had a good feed and was calm, or when he fell asleep in my arms. or when me and DS managed to eat a sandwich together, little triumphs

oh and take some pics of him looking angelic and sleeping, so you can run off and look at them when he's giving his lungs a good exercise.....it used to calm me instantly - and still use a variation on a theme now when I have two quarrelling toddlers to contend with.

It always feels worse in the middle of the night because you think you're the only ones, but really there are households all over experiencing the same! Nature plays the trick of making you forget the really bad bits once you are past them which is why no-one tells you the truth before you have the baby. It gets better - look at all the people who have 2, 3, 4 etc etc babies.
Try writing things down i.e times screaming, awake, sleeping etc then in a few weeks when you think you are having a bad night you can look back and you'll realise its got better!

sorry you are having a rough time. I felt exactly like you. We found it so hard. The most miserable time of my life to be honest, we did't have a clue what we were doing. All this talk of a babymoon seemed to be the biggest joke ever!

Ignore the housework (easier said than done when you are running out of clean clothes / the bins are overflowing mind you!), get as many take aways as you can afford / bear. It will get better in time. Your life has changed so much that its proably normal to be freaked out by it. Can you arrange for your parents to help out when they come over so you can get a haircut or go for a quick meal with your DH. To have just an hours break from a small baby seemed like a lovely holiday to me! Arrange what you can now so you have something to look forward to. Big love and hugs to you all x

nlady - YOU ARE NORMAL. VERY VERY NORMAL not breast feeding - so what. having weird 'why have we done this' - so what.

The great thing is you as parents are talking about it.

I felt the same when I had my FOURTH SON - couldnt remember what to do, cried, became somewhat manic, felt everybody was thinking 'shes 41 its her 4th child, she will know what she is doing.'

It really will improve. Be kind to yourself. I had to write down what I had to do each day - you will get into a routine and start enjoying it. Little steps.

Good luck and try to believe in yourself xxx

congratulations neuroticlady and new daddy too. damn yes it is so so hard a new baby.everything you describe is what most of us experience

Some tips
House a tip - dont worry too much. can you get a cleaner in?

Treat yourself to a delivery food

Home delivery shopping eg Tesco, Ocado all carry into kitchen for you. useful for when with baby

Watch some DVD try veg out

have a glass of wine (in moderation its ok for BF)

Soak in the bath, candles, radio on top of cistern, some trashy mags to read

Get the newspapers delivered, and magazines too

this is a huge new set of tasks, role changes and it takes time. but honestly it does incrementally get better, may not seem it now

on 1st night home our baby cried for @20hours, we both crieda a similar amount! All of us hungry, tired, emotional and us as Parents VVScared

Do ponder how much laundry one wee person generates

you allow yourself time to recover physically, mentally, emotionally

do try to get out daily for fresh air and a wee walk. it does do the world of good

ask the HV about new mum groups to join

oh and SHARE your baby with each other - i mean properly share....you have him for a few hours, then DH. It makes the few hours you have him for easier becuase you know you are due a few hours peace later on, then you are fresher when its your turn to take over.

As my two got older, I would feed them in the morning and then dh would send me to sleep in the spare room and he'd deal with them, nappies, cuddling, the next feed (this was at weekends) and it would make the night time easier to deal with as i knew in a few hours time i would get some 'time off', but be aware dh will need some him time too - as long as you listen to each other, and TRY to understand the others feelings you will get through this.

Neurotic lady - I haven't read all the replies, so apologies if I am repeating what has already been said, but by God you are normal, YES!

Parenthood is a HUGE adjustment. Nobody, no matter what they say, can quite prepare you for the lack of sleep, the physical demands, the boredom and mundanity and repetitiveness, the overwhelming sense of responsibility and the sheer bloody back breaking hard work of it. It is a big shock to the system for most people - possibly the biggest you will ever face.

All I can say is - it will get better (although it might get worse before it does!). You will adjust. You will travel up that steep learning curve, doubting yourself at every turn along the way probably (!), and you will look back at this stage and see it for what it is - a whole new chapter in your life, the hardest but also the most amazing thing you have ever done. And the funniest thing is (might not seem funny now...!) you may well decide to do it all over again.

In the meantime, get as much support from family and friends as you can. Get yourself into the mindset of 'it takes a village to raise a child'. Don't think you have to do it all yourself, or get everything 'right'. And rest assured - almost everyone on Mumsnet knows exactly how you both feel :-)

No postings from neuroticlady for an hour and a half now........ssshhhhh!!!.....she must be asleep!!!

Oh god you poor things

I felt EXACTLY like this

DH sat on the stairs crying when we got back from the hospital I just gibbered.

It gets better soon

Try and get some help and give yourselves a break, can you get a cleaner, ready meals/takeaways for a bit. Or when you cook do massive amounts and freeze several meals.

p.s. Just remembered so clearly the first few months of my son's life (now about to turn 3 yrs old) - like a proper flashback! I had barely recovered from the birth and there I was - supposed to be caring for this little creature, when all I wanted was to be looked after myself. He cried all the time. I didn't know why. Breastfeeding was hard. It hurt. I was tired all the time. I cried all the time. I barked at my husband all the time. I worried about everything, constantly. I looked like a sack of cold shit. Our flat was a complete tip (God, it was grim!). I was convinced that I had to do it all perfectly to be a GOOD MUM. I beat myself up because I wasn't some how managing to keep the bathroom sparklingly clean and the washing ironed and in neat piles, while also looking pretty and effortlessly BF-ing my newborn, oh, and receiving visitors and going to mum&baby groups and...blah blah blah. It was HARD. And I felt like screaming 'WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?'. To which my friends with babies said 'Urrr, we did. But you were too busy folding up your little piles of white babygrows and obssessing about which buggy to get to listen'.

Hang on in there, chick. xxx

So so normal! oh bugger... DD just wooken will return with a proper post in a bit...

Hi and congratulations ! I remember feeling like this when my ds was born I just wished I could have returned to my life before baby. It will and does get easier I think around the 6 weeks mark things pick up and it gets a bit easier. I said never ever again and now have a dd who was 1 last month. It is good to talk dont bottle it up and if you want to have a cry then cry. Take care try and rest when he rests and stuff the houseowrk for now, before you know it he will be at the terrible 2's but that is a whole new chapter.

First steps - tahnk god for you, i felt EXACTLY the same with ds (now 2) and have another on the way - very worried that it will be the hell it was first time around. i had forgotten how bad it was until i had got pregant and now all i can think about is how will we cope and its too late to have doubts now!! I too had friends who seemed to find it all really easy - i now know they were either lying or have had problems since. Ds is great now and i have fallen in love with him (made me cry when i read that bit in your post - must be my hormones)!!

Message withdrawn

Have you got your buggy set up and ready to go yet? A turning point for me was just getting into the fresh air and going for a (very slow) stroll with my partner and baby. It's amazing how the baby will calm down when on the road too- and its great for your sanity!

My DD did her first proper smile at around 7 weeks and it felt like a reward for all the hard work! Finally it felt as though she knew, and cared, that I was there.

Have you found that no matter how many books on babies you read before the birth, you can't remember a single word? I forgot to wind my DD for about 4 days!

The best piece of advice I received was to sleep when the baby sleeps. It's obvious, but it makes a huge difference. Forget the cleaning and anything practical, just sleep and eat! xx

Also, try to laugh about it, it is pretty bizarre to think how two previously sane and respectable adults can be become the crazed and befuddled servants of such a tiny creature...

I've got some really funny (now to look back on it, not then of course) photos all three of us in the depths of night, wide awake, in various states of undress, both baby and me leaking god knows what all over the place, boxes, dirty nappies, cards, flowers, half eaten meals all heaped up everywhere in our bedroom.

I could have written that message myself just over a year ago - in fact the best advice I got pre-birth was from my sister who said not to be surprised if I felt overwhelmed and wondered why I'd had the baby after a few days. It happened to her, it happened to me (though despite her advice I thought it wouldn't) and I bet it happens to loads of people. After I'd cried down the phone to her when she called to see how I was doing one day, she said it gets better when you accept that your life has changed. And it does. But that doesn't mean life is like that for ever - just for the short time until your baby and you get used to each other. Bit by bit you will regain your freedom, whether it's when your baby's naps become slightly more regular as they get older or as you feel you can entrust them to other people while you have a break. A year on, my LO is at a childminder's a day and a half a week and DH looks after him for another day and a half, I work three days a week and everything is great. It just takes time, honest. And it gets heaps better.

Your post could have been written by me right down to the bit about questioning whether he was a good idea. Tbh, it took me (and DH) quite a while to get over it. It really helps when they finally sleep at night and you can have some time alone or having a nice evening with your dh.

If you still feel overwhelmed after a few months talk to your HV.

Finally, 4 years and a second child later and I can honestly say that my children give my life a meaning which it would never have had without them and the unconditional love which they offer is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced.

I hated the baby stage with both my DS's, but LOVE the toddler stage.

The main issue is tiredness. I remember when we got home from the hospital with DS1, and we were up all night trying to work out the nappies, where to put him to sleep etc. It all seemed so hard and no fun at all, and we hadn't slept for 3 nights. Remember, it can only get better! You need to take turns with your DH to sleep. When my DH went back to work, for the next few weeks I went to bed as soon as he got home from work, he did all the feeds til midnight and then I took over.

Don't feel pressured to do anything which you don't enjoy. I got really depressed by going to mother and baby groups as I had a really difficult baby and felt that a lot of the mums at these groups had easier babies and were there to chat, which I couldn't do. So I went out for lots of long walks with my DS, visited lots of places I had never been to, and got really fit! Enjoy the small pleasures. If you drive, babies fall asleep in the car. But hopefully you will have a contented baby.

Wear a sling in the house so that you can get things done.

Really, it is a steep learning curve - everything seems hard at first, but you will get used to it and will start to feel more normal. Keep a check on your health - iron levels, thyroid etc too.

Yes, the first 6 weeks are probably up there with training for the SAS, except with less sleep.

Or like having the most demanding, unreasonable guest imaginable who never says thank you

It will get better, but give yourselves as much of a break as possible when it comes to things like housework.

Where exactly are you in Oz?

what a lifeline you all are. thank you for the amazing response to my cry for help. sorry about typing but one handed. as much as i wish i could say i got some sleep last night the baby was fretting and awake from 2am until about 15 minsago - 7am. i feel numb, panicky, sick, and nothing for this helpless child. i just want to get away from him. your posts have assured me what we are going through is not so unusual, and i just have to try and hang on in there for it to get better, so good to hear you all saying it does. that hasbeen my biggest fear - that we have made thismassive mistake and our lives will forever feel and be this bad! i know it's sleep deprivation talking but that's how it feels, though you all know that from your posts.

thank you for helping me, i will keep posting here as i can see this will be my lifeline through the next few weeks. i had such high ambitions about being the perfect mother and getting him into a routine - ha! now i don't care what i do when as long as i get some precious sleep at some point. i'll get dh to take over now and will try and calm down enough to at least rest - too keyed up to sleep, i never know i could look or feel so shit - and at what everyone tells you is the happiest time of your life. sorry again about lack of punctuation. just trying to keep him still and asleep.

i am so grateful to everyone for posting. i am going to re-read properly when not so emotional. thank you. x

p.s. i am in sydney to the poster who asked. parents coming out in two weeks and i am hanging on for dear life to that thought.

God, I've just had major flash backs to how I felt when I read your message. Honest to God, I thought I must have postnatal depression ir something cos I felt so hopeless and also had no idea why my baby was crying. Thankfully he was always good at night so it gave me and my husband a bit of respite to gather our thoughts and feelings. I honestly got to the point where I just didn't want anything to do with our son when he was crying. I just couldn't handle it so thank God my husband was there! My baby was and still is very high needs and I still feel like pulling my hair out somedays (he's six months old!). The feelings I have now though are totally different to what I had then. I think the problem is that in the beginning it just feels like 'hard work' looking after this baby that you don't really know yet. Don't worry about the feelings your having. I swear it's completely normal, although at the tine I didn't realise that all my friends had felt the same way (some for a couple of months). I remember on the twelth day of having my son just crying and feeling so crap. It must be hormones and also the fact that it's just an endless cycle of the baby crying and feeding, it's exhausting to say the least. I'm glad to say that on day 17 I fell so in love with my baby (I specifically remember the day and time as I finally stopped feeling like a heartless bitch who didn't know if I wanted my baby!). Like you, we had spent a long time planning our son but nothing can prepare you for the hard work and the hormonal changes involved. Some people sail through it but I really think that the majority of people feel exactly the way you described. It's completely normal and understandable! You'll be fine, even if it takes some time!

Everyone else has said it already, butjust wanted to echo their sentiments... I remember that song kept going through my head for weeks when i was in the v.same state of shock after having dd2 last April (ten year gap between her and dd1 so just the same as being first time mum if you ask me!!!)... "Have to believe it's getting better, it's getting better all the time...!"

Good luck, sleep when you can and have a larf at silly things whenever possible... you are a brilliant mum!!!