Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

Message withdrawn

i found this support forum in oz

this is the oz breastfeeding website. the counsellors can help you get over the grief of losing the bf relationship and possibly help you to restart it if it turns out you have been given duff advice by health profs (as is common here in the UK).

they can also point you to a support network in your area.

and really get a sling. I found this video on the first link. and I just had to smile. A moby, karime, hugabub or tricot slen by babylonia as he is using will be great for a newborn.

hope this cheers 2 you up.

P.S. Yes, sleep when the baby sleeps... I know I should be doing this. But I am so keyed up I am not sleeping, even when I get the chance. It's a vicious circle. Maybe I should talk to someone about all this - I hope to god it's not the start of PND...

I am having flashbacks to when my ds was born. i remember his first week just as you described. i remember dh saying 'why did we do this??' He then went outside and had a good talk to himself!!! Ok, so you're not bfing anymore, that's ok. You two can now take it in turns [there's always an advantage!!!]. my ds was really colicky for first few weeks and on those nights, he could scream for hours. we took it in turns, 1 hour each during the evening until our bedtime, then we did longer stints at night. It nearly killed us both, but eventually (about 6 weeks, we were all in a routine of sorts). Incidentally, we have no family nearby and i finally cracked and got on a flight with a 3 week old to see my mum - god i must have been deranged. When i turned up, she said 'why didn't you just tell me and i would have come straight away' but i was too proud to admit i couldn;t cope. It might sound silly but can your family not fly out to see you/help you out???

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture used all over the world because its an effective way to mess with your head - it works!!! Right now, you are not rational because you've had no sleep, your hormones are raging and your life has been transformed....be kind to yourselves.

Expect a tough time every 3 weeks (growth spurts) but it does get easier. Remember your baby is adjusting to life with you, just as you're getting used to him. It WILL get easier but can't say when as all children are different but after a few weeks your body adjusts to less sleep - its just a total shock at first. I thought i woul dnever survive on 4 hours sleep, now if ds is sick, i can be up with him all night and still go to work - i couldn't have dome that before he arrived.

GOOD LUCK AND BIG HUGS

I think if you could manage to get out of the house for a bit that might help you all with sleep. It's a bit of a circle isn't it - you are anxious about the baby so then you're anxious about being anxious then you can't sleep because you're anxious then you get more anxious about how wound up you are.......

Oh just seen you're in Oz so no late Spring for you...lovely stroll on the beach then instead?

It must be so hard for you being all the way out there without your family but please take heart from what everyone is saying. It IS a nightmare at first. Just awful (I had a sleeper so not as bad for me but I still found it shocking). Your job is just to get through the days. Keep feeding and stay on the sofa with a DVD until the madness passes!

If you do want to try bf again, you could probably get some advice on here about it. It can be a long haul (it was for me) but if you feel like giving it a go or that giving it a go might help you feel better then there's help on here. If you decide (very reasonably) that that's going to make your life tougher not easier right now, then good for you and stick with what you are doing.

Please take heart - this will pass and you will get your nice lives back again but with a lovely little boy to boot.

oh missed your last post. I didn't sleep either. Couldn't sleep for about two weeks - I was too revved up to sleep. Don't worry about that. It's just the shock of your new life. You will sleep eventually.

PS no decent health professional would diagnose pnd in the first week - otherwise we'd all have had it!!!! I believe the baby blues is the norm and those who have an 'easier' ride, are unusual. you are not depressed, just adjusting to a new life and you will get there. I was the same with the sleep thing. i felt totally wired and when ds fell asleep, it took me an hour or more to drop off and then ds would wake!! Maybe try: baby falls asleep so you go to sleep (with ear plugs in) and dh agrees to do next stint and then you swap and so on????

neurotic lady, don't want to worry you, and don't think there is anything to worry about at thsi time, but, especially as you don't have family support, etc...it would be worth keeping an eye on this, just incase it devellopes into PND.

I found the first six weeks were the worst after my DD1 was born. We finally got into the groove of being parents (things that seem a nightnmare to get done now will feel like second nature to you by March) and slowly started to enjoy our daughter. She became less wobbly and a little less keen on crying and started to smile at us. Those tiny smiles are a great reward!

Your lives will never be the same as before and the change is a major shock to the system (not to mention recovering from the birth and your illness). Be kind to yourselves, continue taking about how you're feeling with your partner and things should get better .

Good luck and keep posting.

Patsy

ooops. loulou, does have a point, by the way...but I see you already mentioned worries about pnd...was honestly not suggesting that I think you have, just that, if yuou feel lonely, etc...there is a possibility that you are more likely to experience it, iykwim

when DS was newborn i said to DP 'God I am so sorry for ruining our lives' and I really meant it... i hope that the replies on here have helped, to echo a previous poster I wish I'd had Mumsnet in those early weeks because I just thought I was an evil ungrateful person but I just felt so ill and so tired and just wanted DS to shutup and go away... he was same as Maebees Lo tho I am sure he just hated being a newborn, bored silly/frustrated - cried loads, slept little but much better once on the move and could interact, now he is a high energy, funny, hyper wee chatterbox and far from my life being ruined i couldnt be happier - he is my wee pal for life
so I guess what I am trying to say is we all understand and sympathise and are sorry it is crap for you just now, but it will get better

Am trying not to cry at your lovely replies - and kiskidee a big hug to you for the links. Am typing with one hand with baby in the other who is finally silent and i daren't move... must try and get some sleep ... though somehow I think I'll be back on here before too long!

As everyone says, the newborn bit really is totally appalling.

However, really good that PND is on your radar... it's very early days and things change so quickly at this point, but if you're still feeling grim in say a week's time ie, if the gloom isn't really lifting at all you should deffo talk to someone.

I had PND, it set in very early and never budged (anxiety, unable to sleep, crying all the time, hopelessness, feeling inadequate, fearfulness: all fairly usual new-mother emotions, but they never, ever shifted). Like you I had this panic that all the 'joy' had just drained away and would never come back. Quite soon after I worked out I was ill and sought help, the joy came back with bells on and I had a lovely time with my baby.

Anyway, it's a good thing to keep at the back of your mind for the time being.

It is horrid, though, the newborn bit [shudders]

3andnomore - bless you!! I was the same as neuroticlady and felt numb/scared/no love etc but i soon discovered it was sleep deprivation. when i got some sleep, i could look at him differently iyswim.. but you're right, without any changes (ie support, more sleep etc) pnd more likely. If you keep posting on mumsnet neuroticlady, people here will support/advise/listen to you. wish i had found it when ds was wee, it would have saved so much stress and worry!!! Keep in touch but right now, get some sleep!!!

lordy - this thread has made me cry just remembering how overwhelming/ frightening / horrible/ exhausting and worst-of-all guilt inducing (I wasn't able to BF for various reasons) it all felt (which is unfortunate since I'm at my desk at work). Our family was also 12000 miles away (in oz and nz)- it certainly makes it that much more scary knowing that you don't, in practical terms, have a support network that you can call on, even if you wanted to.

It WILL get better, even if you can't see the light at the tunnel right at this moment. really.

where abouts in Australia are you - Sydney?

Just wanted to echo the other posters - it really does get easier and one day, you will look at your DS and realise that you love him more than anything in the world and would do anything for him but those first few weeks are absolute crap!

I really felt like I was just going through the motions with DS when he was born - feeding, changing, dressing etc - but I didn't love him and I used to sit and fantasise about our old life and really really wished I could go back. It was particularly hard as he was being sick all the time so we didn't want to go out in case he puked everywhere, we were constantly on edge waiting for him to puke etc so it was really tough. Funnily enough, the moment I realised I loved him more than anything was when he ended up in hospital and needed an operation at 8 weeks old and I cannot describe how awful that moment was when I had to hand him over to the anaesthatist (sp?) and walk away. Obviously I wouldn't wish that on anyone but there will come a time when you realise that your new life is actually better - DS is now 19 months old and our 'new' life is so much better for having him as he brings so much joy to us both.

Sorry for waffling but as everyone else has said, things will improve

neuroticlady, I could have written your post just over 2 years ago when I had DS1. He, like your baby was very much wanted but when he arrived I felt like I had been hit by a truck, that my life would never be the same and that I wished I had never had him, everyone around me who had babies seemed to find it a breeze whilst I was really struggling, but I have realised that they were probably lying!!!

Like everyone else says, it does get better and you will fall in love with your baby - I certainly did and have even gone on to have DS2 who is now 9 weeks old and it is so much better second time around

Hugs to you - I know eactly how you are feeling

i don't think i really felt much love towards DD until about 6 weeks
just overwhelming fatigue, fear, overwhelming responsibility etc
could never relax enough to sleep during the day etc etc
it really does get better
hang on there, i wish i also had known about MN at the time.
Sending you lots of love across the continents
NO-ONE TELLS YOU QUITE HOW HARD IT WILL BE
and no-one else seems to be going through it either

and by way of advance warning, I think it's also normal (tell me it's normal, people) to start having riduculous arguments over what to the casual and non-sleep-deprived observer seem very minor issues: whether the formula has been warmed up enough/too much / why it has taken so long; what is wrong with the other person's calming technique; whether the baby should sleep on your chest or in its cot/moses basket; once your DH goes back to work (assuming he is), why he's half an hour late home; and (drum roll) who is / isn't the most tired. I suggest you write yourselves a note to this effect so that you can read it back in a couple of weeks time.

i didn't know much about hunger cues in the early days and it would have made my life much easier.

This is perfectly normal. You don't always get instant love when your baby is born.

I ended up having post natal depression quite badly. Keep an eye on your feelings, if they don't leave or if they get worse in the next few weeks then go to your Dr.

I am back to my old self now and love my daughter sooooooooooo much I wish I could have back the time I had with her as a new born baby.

It will get easier

Neuroticlady, I clearly remember being at the microwave warming DD1s bottle (small gap between DDs), with newborn DD2 in my arms, making myself give her a kiss as I didn't think I had given her one all day and then being absolutely wracked with guilt. Anyone who says the first six weeks with a newborn isn't hell, is lying!
Best of luck. Rx

This is only too normal. I explained it to a pregnant friend as living in a bubble for the first 2 months. Nothing seems real. It seems asd if reality will never return. Everyone is exhausted. You are trying to learn so many new skills. Dont WORRY!! Try to get as mucj help as you can and take it a day (or hour) at a time. It soon passes!

Oh god I felt exactly the same. It didn't help that DD had colic for the first 4 mths and NEVER stopped screaming. TBH I found having the second much easier than the first - even though it meant I had two under two's. Hang in there, it will get easier