Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

Thanks MannyMoe, you are absolutely right in my view; we simply weren't meant to do this in isolation. The further I wobble along the bumpy track that is motherhood, the more I am convinced that by far the biggest issue for me, and the one that has chiefly given rise to my downfall, is being so lonely and isolated here. I am currently trying to wean bub off dummy as it's becoming more and more of a problem at night, and I am typing to try and distract myself from the awful, pathetic wails drifting down the hall. Needless to say it's another long day on my own and if I had someone here for moral support it would probably be easier to bear the crying.

Meandmyjoe, you made me smile: 'I now know I was meant to be a mother but ds just wasn't the sort of baby I planned on having' - what a great way to put it!

20 mins later well I feel like a shit mother on all counts now: i've caved in and given the poor mite his dummy as I couldn't bear the wracking sobs any longer. Since I've started doing this he's gone from a baby who would contentedly snuggle into his cot and go to sleep (admittedly with the dummy) to a baby who screams the minute he's put into it. So I seem to have made one problem into two. And I've also failed at settling him without the dummy. Confidence-crumbling stuff.

You know when you just have down days, where it all feels like it goes wrong? There have been so many tiny little things that have added up to a giant weight around me again; a friend who I wanted to go and see the Sex and the City movie with has already seen it with a group of her own friends (and it's not the kind of film i'd be sad enough to go and sit through on my own - you're meant to go with all your buddies and have a girlie night); a couple of girls from mothers group haven't returned my calls to meet for coffee; the horrid next door neighbours have hit us with more plans to try and squash two massive houses onto one small block of land and turn it into a huge building site for ages - we've gone through this process so many times with them since we've lived here and now, yet again, we have to go to a meeting at the council and argue our case. I'm trying to drum up some freelance work now the baby is a bit more settled (hah!) and nobody is getting back to me about that... oh it's just one of those days where I feel like a total and utter loser, and when I return to England it will be in the frame of mind that I failed over here. And I'm now dreading tonight after having mucked up the baby's day time by trying to take the dummy off him. Oh and add to that colossal moan the fact that DH is now saying stuff like there is nothing for him back in England and he is miserable in every area of his life due to the prospect of having to turn our lives upside down (literally) in order to go home... guilt, guilt... I'm painting such a happy little picture of life, aren't I? I know, logically, it's just a bad day. And it will pass. But knowing that doesn't make me feel any better right now.

The sour little irony of all this is that if I had been reading this self-pitying missive just a year or so ago I would have been thinking: 'you lucky cow, you've got a baby and that's all I wanted and all you can do is moan'. And then I feel utterly ashamed of myself for feeling like this. What have I got to moan about, really? Healthy baby, supportive (if fed up) DH, nice home, lovely area... Why can't I be happy here, when on the face of it I do have everything I ever wanted?

Ok, back to the dummy. Am I just setting myself up for a fall by trying to get rid of it and making the baby scream like that? Am I expecting too much too soon of a 4.5 month old? (He's not sleeping through the night and I feel I've failed because of that, too.) Am I just putting too much pressure on him to be the perfect baby, if they exist? Time to be brutally honest with me, dear girls.

Back to the psych on Monday. Maybe I should just print off this page (or the whole damn thread) and be done with it.

Once again, thank god for my mumsnet lifeline...

i think if your baby loves his dummy and it saves your sanity, then let him keep it. babies love to suck - whether a dummy, thumb, bottle or nipple - as it gives them comfort.

re: sex and the city - is there a mums and babies screening near you? everyone will be in the same boat with a baby who is likely to start cerying/need a feed/nappy changing.

yes, purlyqueen, there is a bubs' screening - when I discovered my friend had already seen the movie I asked a girl from mums' group if she'd like to go with me and the babies. She said yes and then since I've chased her up she hasn't gone back to me. I don't want to appear nerdily keen (even though I am) but maybe, in my current frame of mind, I am just being super-sensitive and I should get in touch with her again. Thanks for your thoughts on the dummy. I probably do need to chill out a bit about it.

By the way, if it's obvious to those of you reading this that I completely overreacting to everything, which I think is probably a big part of PND, please tell me. I can't tell half the time.

you are not overreacting at all! you are just brave enough to admit what loads of mums go through and you have come to the right place as we all know what it is like with a new baby.

re the screening, maybe you could tell your friend that you are going on such and such a date and it would be great to see her there. if she comes then great, but if not then you can sit in the dark for a couple of hours or so and know that if baby cries or grizzles then no one will tut at you

and they may meet 4 coffee afterwards if you feel up to it. asking about babys age/ where they had the baby or what birth they had are great ways 2 break the ice - mums love trading war stories, or at least i do

neuroticlady, you are definitely NOT overreacting - and you don't even need to have PND to be feeling the way you do right now. Motherhood is f**king hard. Babies, unless they are "angels" are hard, emotional work. It doesn't make any difference whether you've been wanting one for years and years and years. Doesn't make it any easier when motherhood hits you like a ton of bricks.

I sympathise with you completely because I am also having a ROTTEN day. Let's hope it's weighed out soon for you with a good day. And, sod it, go and watch SATC on your own. I've often gone to baby cinema on my own and have really enjoyed it, so don't feel "sad" about doing that. You never know, you might strike up conversation with the mum sitting next to you. It'll be nice just to go and do something for yourself.

And don't sweat about the dummy, particulary on a day when you're feeling fragile and emotional anyway. Save the dummy battle for another day/time. And just buy yourself some peace for a bit.

Take care. You are not alone.

MM x

Give your ds a dummy if it helps! Never mind about weaning him off it, there is bags of time for that when he is much older. Perhaps you could attach the dummy to a muslin (or similar) and then 'teach' your ds that at the end of it, there is his reward - this may then help him at nighttime.

Totally agree with the other posts. I would leave the dummy issue alone for now and just concentrate on the fact that if it gives him comfort and means he settles then it's worth it! He's still so young to be weaning him off it anyway. I really wouldn't worry about it until he's older, more settled and the reflux is fully gone.

My ds would never take a dummy but I really wish he would have done. It would have been nice to have had something to settle him to sleep in the day with with instead of pacing around and rocking him. Naps are still a challenge here, he seems incapable of sleeping in the day without screaming unless I rock him or feed him to sleep. I have decided just to go with the flow, there's not much else I can do as I can't stand him being that upset. His sleeping at night has gone back to normal again now and he sleeps through so that's all I can ask for.

Sorry you're still having 'down' days, I reaaly do think that things will improvewhen you have family and friends around you. I have no friends or family that are able to help out as they all work or have their own 'angel' babies, which just makes me feel worse! I would just like someone to keep me company as I spend so much time alone with the whinging!

Anyway, hope you are keeping well. Take care. Oh and seriously, don't feel guilty about complaining. Me and dh planned ds for over a year but I never thought motherhood would be like this! I feel guilty for not always enjoying it but it will pass. It will get so much better when we can interact and play WITH our children instead of just watching them play and listening to the crying. You're doing great though. x

NL it's good to hear from you and to find out how things are going.

RE the dummy, I think it is a case of changing your mindset-rather than seeing it as a horrible ugly plasticky thing see it as something that offers your ds much needed comfort. I had to do that with dd as I was anti them before I had her, thought they were awful but she was a baby that needed to suck. She still has it aged 2 but only for sleeping and tbh it no longer bothers me.

And if your ds will snuggle into his cot with it then you are doing better than me-ds is 6 months now and still needs to be rocked to sleep-even with a dummy! And as for sleeping through-no chance! I'm still up with him 4 or 5 times a night at the moment.

I also think that coming home will help you, We were abroad when dd was conceived and made the decision to come back. With hindsight I am so glad we did and don't know how I would have coped had we stayed.

NL, I have to say that you're sounding rather less PNDish even in that last post than you have - your reactions strike me as just identical to those of pretty much everyone here!
Ok - few practical points. If the dummy is working well for ds, then just use it. He'll come to no harm. A 4.5mo old who doesn;t sleep through the night is NORMAL - and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The mother of a baby this age who does is just lucky, no more, and she should always recognise that this is liable to change any time. (I was that mother, and we got quite a shock when dd gave up on sleep for a while!). You're putting pressure on yourself to be the perfect mother who gets everything right - that's really common (as in frequent, not vulgar!) but there's a lot to be said for trying to be happy with Good Enough.

"The sour little irony of all this is that if I had been reading this self-pitying missive just a year or so ago I would have been thinking: 'you lucky cow, you've got a baby and that's all I wanted and all you can do is moan'. And then I feel utterly ashamed of myself for feeling like this. What have I got to moan about, really? Healthy baby, supportive (if fed up) DH, nice home, lovely area... Why can't I be happy here, when on the face of it I do have everything I ever wanted?"
Because (a) you have PND. It's a bit like saying "why can't I do gymnastics" when you have a broken leg, and (b)because you're human. I got so fed up with myself when I shouted at dd - so guilty because I Promised that I would never not be grateful, would always be patient, blah di blah, but then it turned out that giving birth didn't change my personality, so that was never going to work! It's just hard sometimes, it really is. Doesn't make it shameful to acknowledge that and that you're struggling.

I wonder if you and your DH could make plans for him too - things he can look forward to in the UK - does he like sport? Could you maybe get a season ticket for football or something? Book a holiday in Europe? I think he may need a gentle plan to make him feel more positive too.

Hi NL,

Hope you're having a better day today. I think you're doing incredibly well - looking for freelance work, wow - the W word still brings me out in a cold sweat and DD is 7 months. I don't think I could have faced work at all at 4 months even though the money would have been handy.

I know what you mean about the phone calls thing - sometimes it feels like the world is ignoring you but it's not you - it's them, people have other stuff going on that's all. Honestly. I've lost count of the times I've moaned to DP about people not getting in touch and then subsequently they have, or it turns out they've been hideously busy for some reason. Try not to let it phase you. I know that's easier said than done.

Hope you get to the cinema - you don't need to go with others to a mum and baby screening. Just go, you'll enjoy the film and I wouldn't be at all surprised if you ended up talking to some other mums if you wanted to afterwards. Even if you don't it's a treat to yourself which is definitely worthwhile.

Take care xxx

Hi NL,
I live here in the UK but am married to an Australian. I am sick of people asking me (shocked looks) why we don't move straight over there. Even suggesting we should do it now DS is here 'for a better life'. As if all you need for a happy, successful life is sunshine. We did live over there for a year and that was enough for me to know I didn't want to stay. Its just so far away, I always felt so isolated. I don't know how I would have dealt with a newborn (ie approx first 5 months) without the tonnes of family support I received, combined with the close friends at the end of a phone at all times of day. I think its incredibly difficult to replace the friends you've had for years. Good Luck with the move back if that's what is right for you.

Re: Dummy. Why are you getting rid of it?Cos hes waking for it in the night? If so I sympathise. I was up 10x a night putting it back in, which was why we eventually got rid of it (although I have no problem with using anything that works). We did it on the Friday of a bank holiday weekend when there was lots going on, Daddy was home etc It was surprisingly painless.

Ashamed to say that although I do my best I don't always contact my other Mummy friends when I say I will. Sometimes it all just gets on top of me. And they do the same to me too! So I'm sure its nothing personal.

Take care xx

Hi NL - just a quick practical note! Re. dummy. A friend of mine is a dentist and her dd had a dummy at night until she was about 2. In the end, she slept with about 5 dummies around her so that if one fell out, she was always in reach of another -. I know that your ds is a little young for this, but please don't worry about trying to get rid of the dummy if it comforts him, and suits you.

Hi NL - I haven't had time to catch up with you for ages and even now have just scanned through the last few posts (I've obviously missed the fact that you are returning to England? I'll try and have a proper read-through later).

Your issues with the dummy made me smile though as we're going through exactly the same thing! My dd is 6 months old and havigng first introduced the dummy when she was about 8 weeks, then successfully got rid of it when she was about 4 months (and had about three weeks of her "sleeping through"), I have now had to re-introduce it to save my sanity!

Like someone else said, most babies just like to suck on something. With my dd1 it was her thumb. Other children I know suck the ears on toys or use their mum's nipples to get to sleep! But for this one I think it's going to have to be the dummy for now.

Unfortunately it seems to mean she wakes several times a night, but pop it back in and she's straight off to sleep. Which means we all more or less get a good nights sleep. A lot preferable to having to spend hours rocking her to sleep.

I agree with Clairey that hating a dummy is a mindset. One way I have dealt with it is to think of the American term "pacifier" or "soother". That is such a better word, it doesn't indicate that your child will be walking around at the age of three unable to talk because it has a dummy in it's gob!

Sorry this has been written very quickly. My very lively 6 month old now insists on spending her whole time on her tummy pushing herself backwards and then gets angry when she gets stuck.

Hi NL,

I don't know if you remember me posting but I was in the same situation as you (crying baby ALL THE TIME!) and really isolated (living thousands of miles from my family) and a very hardworking DH who works his socks off but means I feel even more isolated... He bought me and baby tickets to see my family. We (or rather I!) survived the 12.5 hour flight and now here with family. In my first day here, I thought I had made a mistake and wanted to get on the first flight back to London. I miss hubby and my own home so much. A few days on, things have gotten much better. And incredibly, my screaming, whinging, crying baby is now one that smiles at whoever says his name (and then turns his head away shyly charming all the idiots who coo over him in the process..). I don't know why he has made such a 360 change, maybe he just needed a more stimulating environment with a lot more people around than staring at me and the four walls... Whatever it is, I am really loving the baby and being away from London though on the other hand, I miss my DH terribly and can't wait to get back home to him (and our home).

The bad side is my mum and grandma is driving me slowly up the wall. My gran is senile and incontinent, which means she asks the same question (have you fed the baby?) every 2 minutes and her incontinence means hygiene is a bit of an issue around here... My mum thinks I am about to sit on the baby and kill him (granted: I can be a bit clumsy but not THAT clumsy!). It's frustrating being told what to do when I have been coping by myself for the first 3.5 months! Still, you have to take the good with the bad. I suppose what I am saying is that going back to the UK will help a lot but don't look at it through rose-tinted glasses as you might feel a bit let down. Acknowledge your DH's 'sacrifice' in going back to the UK, that's probably what he wants to hear from you right now. He is upset and rightly so. BUT you can make it better by acknowledging what he is doing for you. GL!

Ax

Hi. New on here and haven't read whole thread, but just wanted to say that I think you're doing a great job NL. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant my husband discovered that in order to hang onto his job he would have to take up a post at the other end of the UK. It took us ages to sell the house, what with state of financial market etc, and in the meantime I continued with pregnancy and first 4m of daughter's life with husband only home once a fortnight. We've now sold up and are living much closer to my husband's work, so he's home every night. But I'm now 200 miles away from friends and feel very lonely and down, particularly on days when baby's grumpy or husband has to work late. Feel like I've gained in some respects but lost in others, and so no better off. Australia is much further in comparison, and also there are loads of amazing mums out there doing all this stuff without partners. I take my hat off to you and them. Was diagnosed with PND two weeks ago, (altho I think it started in pregnancy when I was needlessly\worrying about baby's health, whether we'd sell the house and loads of other random stuff) and altho I have a history of mental health issues in the past, and within my family (so should know better) I can't shake the feeling that I'm malingering/'should try harder'. I worry a lot about whether my daughter (now aged just over 5m) will get a raw deal because of me. Anyway, just wanted to show my support (altho have inadvertently ended up ranting about me). So much of what you said has resonated and it so helps to know there are others out there feeling the same

How are you doing, NL?

NL....my ds had his dummy til last xmsas (he was 4) and he still does not sleep through the night and he has just turned 5.

I am not telling you this to depress you even further but just to tell you that, yes, sometimes I feel like the worst mother in the world, particularly on bad days.

So your baby needs his dummy to settle? Big deal.

So he doesnt sleep through yet? He is not even 5 months!

Give yourself and him a break! You are doing great x

Wow, what an amazing thread, I often think these kind of threads would make a great book. I came upon this quite by accident but have ignored DS1 (3 next month) and DS2 (1 next month) and let them rampage round the house for the past hour to read the whole way through. I've been lucky and although I've skated close to PND, (especially the week after the birth of DS2 when with appalling timing a relative suggested DS1 may be on the autistic spectrum - an ongoing nightmare,) I've not quite fallen into it. Those few days of despair I felt knocked me for six and it sounds like you've coped amazingly well given all the challenges you've had to face.

NL, the physical and emotional demands of motherhood can be immense - for everyone, even those who look on the surface to be coping brilliantly. Be gentle on yourself, and realistic in your expectations. Get through each day at a time, sometimes each hour, and if giving your child a dummy gives you the peaceful sleep you all crave, then go with it. There's plenty of time to deal with all that later on. I'll be thinking of you and wish you well.

Checking in, NL. Hope you're doing ok.

Hi NL, hope you're doing ok, too. With regards to the dummy issue - Don't worry about it. I was nervous even letting my lo sample the evil rubbery thing, thinking she'd end up toddling around all day with it stuck in her mouth. I also read in THE BOOKS that baby should be off the dummy by 3 months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My little one is now 8 months and loves her soother (that's what I call it). It helps her sleep. When she wakes up - which she does a couple of times a night still - she reaches out and finds it herself and pops it back in and settles back to sleep. When I pick her up in the morning I take it out and say it'll be there for her next sleep and there's no complaints. It works, it soothes, she sleeps, we sleep, we all feel that little bit more human as a result. It's so stressful listening to a baby cry, so why not let it go for now.

There was also some really good advice on this thread about coping with PND.

look here

cbxx

sorry - meant to link to this thread, not post on it!