Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

I couldn't not post on this one. I'm so glad to see the best of mumsnet supporting you and your other half!
Like so many others have said, your post brings back memories of such a terrifying time. I remember endless nights of being unable to settle our daughter, days of doing nothing but feeding and pacing up and down. I was so scared of this tiny little person and had no idea what to do for the best.

I had horrible postnatal depression, which was for the most part hormonal and unpreventable, but I think my perfectionist personality contributed, and the feeling of wanting to do everything by the book. If having another baby, I would be so much kinder to myself. Please don't worry about bad habits, sleep routines etc etc. It will all work out in a way that works for your family in the end.

It WILL get better. There will be new challenges, but as time goes on you will feel much more equipped to deal with them, because you will have dealt with many before.

When my daughter was very tiny and I was feeling pretty wretched, I got into bed with her and we had skin to skin contact which seemed to calm her. It was also a really nice relaxing experience for me.

Come back and tell us all how you are getting on. MN is a great support.

Yes, it's normal. Yes, you are both normal. Yes, we all been through the same situation.

Nothing prepares you for the shock of getting home with a baby and trying to do it "right". Don't worry it gets a little better every day (although you won't notice it some days) and one day you'll notice you have your life back but a much more wonderful life than before. Forget routines for the moment, much more tiring than going with the flow. Congratulations!

By the way, everyone has visions of being the perfect mum. You might feel crap now (I honestly wanted to get on a bloody plane to Sydney and leave my baby behind in the uk!) It's not til you look back and realise that you're not being a crap mum just because you don't feel the instant rush of love that some people bullshit about. You don't know this little person yet. It takes a while for your body and your mind to recove. I really think that most people feel this way if they're honest. No one likes to talk abut it that's all. Believe me you are not alone in wanting to get away. Just remembered an incident where my husband was comforting our baby and I said I was off to the toilet, I sat on the toilet for twenty minutes just because I didn't have the evergy to pretend to love this little boy anymore. It was an awful time and I must admit, thinking back to those initial feelings, I still feele a bit guilty now but please be assured that it does pass. Soon your little bundle of joy will be smiling and cooing (still crying but it doesn't feel so bad when you understand them a bit more!) and you will feel exactly how you thought you would and you'll be the mother you always dreamed you'd be, even if you make mistakes along the way, which we all do! Sorry to blab on but I really feel strongly about this as so many people feel this way and are made to feel ashamed of it. IT'S NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am just rehashing what people have said but you are comlpetely normal, the first few weeks are a blur of feeding, crying, me not getting dressed. I don't think I washed beyond flannel washes over the basin for about 2 or 3 weeks after DD1 was born as I couldn't work out when to do it!

Bonding will come with time. Take him out, put him in a buggy or pram and get out of the house it will soothe him and then you get fresh air as well which will help you sleep. I was the same, I couldn't sleep when DD did as I was too wound up and hadn't left the house for days. Then I found if I walked for half an hour I could sleep and she slept better as she was noisiest when she was tired.

You are normal, normal, normal!

Gosh it all came flooding back reading your post - I remember sitting at the end of the garden on the Sunday after we'd left hospital on the Wednesday and feeling utter overwhelming panic at the enormous responsibility. I knew I had a baby who needed looking after but I wasn't quite transferred into the baby camp.....My heart lurched every time he cried, I worried about everything. It all seems a blur really, My best friends baby had colic at the same time constantly for 3 months. She would frequently arrive war weary and tearful and we'd both end up in tears !! But.....it is all sooooo worth it. You get "used" to it, you then get a bit more sleep, you then get a bit more perspective on life, you then realise they are getting a bit older and things aren't quite as bad as they were and you then think "ok I can do this" and then you have a bad day and think "ok maybe not" and so the cycle goes on.....but now I have an 18 month old who is cute and funny and a pain in the arse at times and exhausting and despite the fact that I didn't feel overwhelming love when he was first born, it gradually crept up on me. When he gave me a little kiss over the bath for the first time a few weeks ago, well , I just melted......

These first 3 months will feel like a lifetime but take one day at a time and accept any help you can....and look after each other too.....

neuroticlady i really feel for you. I remember when i had dd (now 16mths) and i had never been around children or babies in my whole life. When she was born it was a big shock to the system. Those first few weeks where you don't know where your at is very hard and very testing on even the strongest of relationships.

Things start to improve when you get into a routine which can take time but you do get there in the end i promise. My friends baby cried non stop for 4 days when she was a baby. She is now a happy little girl who is a joy to her mother.

In the first few weeks of DD's life I actually thought to myself that I could understand why some people choose to remain childless, and wished I had done so.

Don't worry, it passes. The first 6 weeks are pretty hellish. but it's a relative short period of time in your life. it will get easier. Good luck

By the way if he's crying, don't make our mistake of saying "surely he can't be hungry, he's just had a feed?". We did that with DD a lot and she probably was . C'est la vie, she's fat enough now!

House is still a mess though

Hi, i tried to post earlier, but had to go to crying 1 year old First chance I've had to get back on.

I think the best advice is to not put yourself under so much pressure. you are the perfect mummy to your son. You are his mummy.

Its the sleep deprivation that is causing most of this, add the hormones in too, and your getting close... everyone totally under estimates the power sleep deprivation has over you. It effects you physically, emotionally, cognitively. In every way your body functions, lack of sleep will be detrimental to it.

To be a little more practical for you:

Dont worry about the house, or housework. It will keep, honestly it will.

Invest in a sling, so you can get a few essential chores done, like putting washing in, maybe even cooking a one pot stew or something easy, that will last you a few days. If your son is in a sling, it'll help him keep settled, you will be close to him, and as he's calm in the sling you will start to bond more.

GO with your instincts. you may not think you have any, but you do. trust me

Include your DH in everything. Talk talk and talk. make sure you cuddle, and show each other that you are still a couple as well as parents to this little man who has invaded your space.

Find ways round things... use a bit of inventiveness, and trust your common sense...

I couldn't put my DD down at all. Every time I tried, she screamed, so I decided I wouldn't if I didn't need too. If I had to, to have a bath etc, then I just made sure she was safe, comfy and I shut the doors. Had my bath and went back and calmed her down again. At least I was calm, and clean, and felt a bit more human. I sometimes put her in her pram in the bathroom, and rocked it with my leg over the bath... Looking back, why? she would have been fine left to cry for a few minutes!

My DH was working away towards the end of my preg and still is. Hes only at home w/e. In those early days, It was SO hard on my own, and really hard for him, as he felt guilty every day he heard me in tears finding it so hard to manage. It was my sis in law that told me what i was feeling was normal. When I heard that, I did actually feel normal

It is hard. once you accept that and know its normal to feel how you do, I think you will feel the pressure coming off a little and just feel better.
Good luck sweetie, it really really does get better... before you know i, you will have a 1 year old toddling around, pulling your hair and hiding your keys.

just one more link, promise, but this is the most amazing baby book. it is done with still pictures from videos. The best part is, it is done with minimal of reading which would be impossible in a sleep deprived state and just desperate to know how to fix it fast. It shows how to read the body language of teeny tiny babies (from 17 minutes old!) as they are always communicating with us, we just are not geared up to read them when we have our first! if you can get your hands on one in Aus. do it asap. if not, ask your mum to bring one from the UK.

i found it here it seems expensive to me not knowing anything about aussie money.

but read more about it here it has some sample pages if you click on the link in the middle of the page.

and you can also read more about it on amazon.co.uk

Oh God, I'm so sorry to keep bugging you, think this is my third post to you but just a quick tip that I so wish someone had told me.
Babies cry! It's what they do best. I used to feel sick when our boy cried, I could feel my blood pressure rising and a voice inside me screaming "oh my god, what the hell could be wrong with him now?" (By the way, the panic and sickness has gone but strangely the voice remains 6 months on! But cos my baby is high needs (a posh term for a bloody nightmare!) people including my health visitor kept saying he must have colic. He didn't. He was just fussy and frustrated with not being able to do more than his body would allow. He's still like this now but I have been assuured by people on mumsnet it will get easier soon! However nothing compares to the first few weeks of panic and stress which you and your dh are going through now. My main tip is that please don't stress when your baby cries. It's not your fault. You will get strangers passing saying "ooo dear, what's wrong with him?" when he's screaming. Or the old favourite "Oooo someone's hungry" when you know full well he's not. Newborn babies cry a hell of a lot and for so many reasons. Don't expect to know why he's crying straight way. I might be an awful mum, but to this day my baby's cries all sound the same to me! (except for when he's tired and he just kind of warbles instead of cries!). You may see new mum's with their angel babies asleep in the pram, who seem to find motherhood a breeze. Don't forget that this is also how people will peceive you when you are out and baby is quiet. It's just a snap shot, it's not reality. Behind closed doors, most poor buggers feel exactly how you do. Keep hanging on to the fact that before you know it, your gorgeous little baby will be a gorgeous toddler- this is when I am assured is when all the fun begins. I've found parts of the last six months pretty hellish. PARTS- Not all. Once you start to feel love for your little one- the fog will begin to lift a bit. Til then, cherish the times when your baby is asleep and remember that when he cries- he's not doing it to annoy you or because he hates you. Sonmetimes they are just releasing energy or frustration and there's nothing you can do but be there for them and try not to let him feel how stressed you are. For the first week or two, I couldn't hide the fact that I was stressed and I'm sure my little boy picked up on this. This is the hardest part though and with any luck you're baby will settle and not be like mine! lol. Remember that he's only just been born. He's never been touched before, never felt clothes on him before, never seen daylight before. It must be stressful, no wonder they cry! Don't feel it's your fault. Things get easier I promise x

You are SO normal, lack of sleep is so hard, baby crying for no apparant reason, there was me thinking it was just me as all my friends who had babies at the same time all had civilised babies apart from me!!

I remember my expartner complaning that we were having mashed potatoes again with our dinner (easy to eat with one hand whilst holding a screaming baby with the other) and I screamed at him did he know how hard it was to find 20 mins to peel the potatoes and he replied it should have been easy as I had been off all day...

It DOES get easier, my dd screamed all day and all night for the first three months, I thought she hated me and I was a crap mum. I couldn't work out how I felt I didn't love her when I had waited so long and was so lucky to have her and thought if I told anyone I would be locked up in the bad mothers prison and she would be taken away from me.

Then one day she was sat on my knee after yet another marathon BF and I looked at the back of her head and thought oh my god she has such an amazing back of her head how fantastic she is. The lack of sleep does funny things to your brain (like why I put up with expartner for her first 5 months!!) it gets SOOOOO much better.

My sis promised me it would get better when dd was 6 wks, I told her it hadn't at 6 wks she said she found it more like 6 months but thought I would throw myself off a cliff if she had told me (it wasn't 6 months honest)

Tears are very normal, stress and lack of sleep you are NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL and it does get easier PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE

it was me who asked about where you were - not sure what your support network is like in Sydney but if you don't know people with kids I am happy to round up my SIL (who is lovely) in support - she knows how hard it has been for me, has two of her own and is in north sydney. mumsnet is the new family!!!!

how are things today neurotic lady? I have been thinking about the first couple of weeks with DS and also about the bonding thing, I didnt feel the expected rush of love, prob too busy going 'are you ever going to stop crying'!! It doesnt happen straight away in all cases and I believe it is normal to feel resentment and fear rather than love.... however i used to sit by his moses basket trying to settle him (for hours at a time - boy did he fight sleep!) and I used to hold his hand and sing to him (wow makes me feel weepy now) started to feel closer to him, I can remember that feeling.. like your heart leaks a little - sounds silly really... anyway if you are surviving day to day then you are doing well just try and maybe watch him for a while when he is sleeping and drink him in....keep posting and take care

I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a three-week-old baby who won't sleep anywhere except mummy's chest.

Advice from a fellow passenger in the same boat would be don't be shy about asking for help. I am pretty horrified now that I didn't know to offer more practical support to my friends when they had babies. I was always just a bit too wary of being intrusive to stick on a load of washing or do the dishes while I was visiting or take them round a frozen lasagne. In retrospect I really should have done all these things. I am not reticent about asking someone to make me a cup of tea or a sandwich - I have actually become quite imperious in three short weeks!

I've also had trouble with BF. Domperinone has definitely helped (she's still on probably 3/4 formula but at least she's getting 1/4 breastmilk) so perhaps you could speak to your doctor about that if you haven't already.

But stay away from breastfeeding websites. I was beside myself when I couldn't get it started and the last thing you need is some boob fascist telling you you might as well feed your baby McDonald's and that Nestle is run by former members of the Khmer Rouge. About a week in, it suddenly occurred to me that of all the things that could have gone wrong, from failing to conceive to miscarriage to congenital defects, to fall at the last fence and not be able to breastfeed was really the most minor thing of all. That realisation did help put things into perspective and put me on the road to getting over the immense guilt.

I think we should make this thread into a "sticky" and that it should be compulsory reading for new mums.

genuinely what really matters here is getting adequate sleep, good diet,as parents adjusting to new role, learning about baby, making mistakes without beating yourself up

having enough self belief to trust your own instincts, this will come, lol i didn't i felt so worried/what if....eventually you give yourself permission to do it your way what works

I'm quite guilty about admitting it, but my other coping trick is looking at the baby when she's being particularly fractious and thinking "thank fuck you're not twins". Focus on the positives!

No offence to mums of multiples. You're all heroic.

To emphasise everything already said, I too felt a flashback to when my DS1 was born and me and DH were thinking about when would be the soonest moment we could realistically expect DS1 to move out! I think he was about 3 days old at the time

One further thing to mention is that if you've had a traumatic birth / c-section / ventouse, forceps etc, the baby can also be 'traumatised' (which basically means screams all the time and doesn't sleep) and cranial osteopathy might be something you could consider.

It's good to know that there are options - you can try treatments such as above, you can experiment with routines (such as The Contented Little Baby) or be demand-led. In a few days/weeks you will be in a position to make choices about what to do with your baby.

For me it was frightening to realise that I was the expert in this little person and that no one else knew as much as me and I didn't know ANYTHING! I worried about him only being able to communicate through me and I couldn't decipher what he was trying to say. I also looked at my Congrats cards and wondered why I was being congratulated for something that was so bloody awful. I also managed to convince myself that what was the point in going to sleep as he was only going to wake up again in a few moments - twisted logic I know! It does get better, you will start to feel more in control of your life and it's totally normal! Every couple goes through this at the birth of their first child.

IMO,after 3 DS', babies only ever really have 2 problems - hunger and wind. These two both feel the same to a baby - all they know is that their tummy hurts.

Sending you lots of hugs xxx

Just a quickie to say, it gets better. Cut yourself a bit of slack, birth can be very traumatic. You made another person, well done!

I think you are already doing well though, your DP and you are talking (v imp). It sounds like you are looking forward to your family coming. Remember take advantage while they are over and sleep lots and let them be involved (they'll love it )

Don't worry too much about the crying. I never worked out which cry was which and I think I did alright! I generally offered food first and either this would be refused or thrown up if I made the wrong call. Other wise its wind or tiredness, or at the very beginning I think there is a lot of getting used to being out in the world. A world that can be bright or dark or cold or warm or breezy or smelly. So much new stuff for them, no wonder they are a bit surprised.

You sound like you are doing great, you'll get to know his likes and dislikes soon. Once you get some rest it will all seem easier.

hehe ninedragons - I can remember when I had DS, sunitta in corrie had twins - and I did think... well it could be worse!!

Thank god for mumsnet. And hello to anyone back in England reading this now in the small hours and going through the same thing as us.

DH made me go into the spare room to try to sleep this morning after probably an hour's rest (not sleep) last night. I managed a bit of sleep but I am so keyed up I mostly just lay there staring at the ceiling like a deer in headlights. DH has been looking after our son all day so far - one advantage of fucking up on the breastfeeding, I guess - and I am so grateful to him but also feel so guilty and hopeless as that is meant to be my role. It has occurred to me that all this tension in me has probably contributed to the lack of milk flowing - expressed fresh air apart from a few drops and by then poor baby had totally rejected the breast anyway. I have all sorts of issues around my breasts following breast cancer - stuff I hadn't acknowledged to myself while pregnant. I know I could get on some drugs to boost suppply but tbh I (a) don't know if I could cope with finding the time to try to express on top of everything else (though I know plenty of people do, guilt, guilt) and also I am afraid of going there/around my breasts because of the cancer associations/lumpiness/having to touch them and also in case it fails again. I would dearly love to have breastfed and I feel like I am grieving something lost between us but worse it feels like my body is rejecting motherhood as much as my mind seems to be. I'm not painting a very rosy picture, am I? I looked at our tiny son in my husband's arms and felt so confused - he is so helpless and small and here I am almost feeling like I have the shakes now when I go near him. I am going to force myself out for a walk with our dogs and DH and put the sling on and have him close to me in an attempt to relax a bit and stop feeling like I am on the edge of a major freak out.

Can I ask, for those of you who did end up being diagnosed with PND, what was done to help you? I feel the need to reach out about all this and know it's early days to be concluding I've got PND but equally I think the quicker I get on top of talking all this through with someone (GP?) the better in the long run...

Legalalian that is so nice of you to offer to put me on touch with your SIL. Perhaps you could tentatively mention me to her to see if she would be interested...? Tell her I am on the Northern Beaches - not round the corner but not a million miles away from her either. Thank you so much. The isolation is definitely not helping, I can tell. One amazing friend whose mum is over from the UK drove up to see us, despite living miles away, with a prepared lunch and we all sat outside and ate and despite the fug of sleeplessness I felt NORMAL for a couple of hours and was able to chat about stuff other than drowning in baby worries. When I'm left on my own my thoughts get carried into a total spiral of negativity - if you'd asked me even 48 hours ago if I felt as out of control as I do now I'd have said no, and that's because I have revved myself up into this state, coupled with increasingly bad nights with the baby. I think about the forthcoming long night ahead and break into a cold sweat.

Anyway, after all that negativity can I just say once again what a HUGE HUGE help it has been to read all your posts. Just knowing that I can come and post here when I get a second is giving me more help and support than you could know. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I wish I were back in Sydney - I'd come and see you and we could have a large glass of wine and be shell-shocked new mums together.

I'd go and see my GP sooner rather than later, if I were you. Two of my friends had PND, and both said that it really helped to be given official permission by a person with a medical degree to stop trying to breastfeed and put the baby on formula. You internalise so much of the propaganda about breastfeeding that if it doesn't work out for you it feels catastrophic. I had really started to think that not breastfeeding was as bad as smoking pot during pregnancy - it's a middle-class taboo. I was seriously trying to talk my husband into finding a wet nurse until he pointed out that (a) we live in Asia, where hepatitis is endemic, and whatever formula contains it's certainly not Hep B, and (b) formula is FORMULATED by scientists and not just randomly chucked together in someone's back shed, so it really is a perfectly acceptable way to feed your baby.

Ask your mum about formula-fed babies - it was so common when we were babies that you will certainly know healthy, intelligent adults who have had absolutely no ill effects from being formula fed. In that first week when I think everyone is mentally unhinged, I was crying on the phone to my mum that if I couldn't give my baby breastmilk, she'd never get into Oxbridge (! I know, I know, the pinnacle of maternal ambition!). My mum laughed and reeled off all the people we knew who'd been formula-fed who are now research scientists or up for selection for the Olympic rowing team.