Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

You know, it's funny but that 'cavewoman' rationale really helped me too.

You are not weird for feeling like the world is going end if someone doesn't invent instantanious travel so you canget to your child immediately. It's a normal feeling. I didn't even like leaving ds1 in the living room of my tiny flat while I went to the toilet. I genuinely thought someone would break in through the window and take him. Irrational 'normal and irrational 'new mother' are two very different things. new mothers aren't rational.

hi neuroticlady
got to be quick as DD is unreasonably demanding that I stop MNetting

I have had two very colicky, high needs babies and felt much the same as you do both times.

You've had so much good advice here but \i just wanted to add one tip that helped me. Can you remember all those nursery rhymes that you used to sing as a child? Try singing them to DS. It will feel a bit weird at first but will break the miserable silence that can envelop you. It will also help to relax DS and break the downward spiral of tension, as it's pretty difficult to sound miserable while singing Three Blind Mice. Sing them enough, and one amazing day when he is 18 months he will sing it back to you!

Oh, and DD2 is now 20 weeks and things are so much better....

i have to second the getting out of the house advice. The first week after giving birth i hardly moved out of bed but it wasn't until i actually got out and about with the pram that i realised how much i needed it. Now we get out every day without fail, it's what i plan our day around and it keeps me sane! it's also the only time dd (4 wks) will sleep during the day. it's so easy for the hours and days to all melt into one big cycle of feeding/soothing/changing and havng something else to look forward to - even if its only going to the shop round the corner (for chocolate, of course!) - has made a massive difference to me. Good luck to you, hang in there and keep posting, you're certaunly not alone.

I agree. I actually used to get up, shower, get dressed, put DS in the sling and walk to the station with DH at 8 in the morning, to give my day some semblance of normality / feel it had a start to it (and of course to maximise my adult conversation time!)

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thanks everyone. more one handed typing... coming up to 1am here and true to form the baby started kicking off a couple of hours ago. the instant he goes in his bassinet he starts to grizzle, then cry, then scream, and tonight i just can't be bothered with the whole awful process so if i gave to hold him all bloody night then i will. you'll just have to excuse the dodgy typing. would you try putting him in his sling??? just to give my arm a break. also, if i do feel brave enough to attempt getting him back in his cot if, miracle of miracles, he nods off, how about warming up the sheet he lies on a bit first so it's not so very different to my body temperature?

I feel less freaked out tonight but only because i have lowered my expectations (ie expect to get no sleep) and also because the night is still young so i don't feel exhausted yet.

I have an appointment with the gp and also a psychologist at the hospital to go through the breast cancer/breast feeding issues. i am not looking forward to it at all because it will be very confrontational for me, forcing me to deal with loads of stuff i've buried away pretty successfully for now. but if it helps in the long run and it nips potential pnd in the bud then it has to be worth it.

thanks for sharing your stories about pnd and treatment offered. it makes me feel better to know that effective help/ad therapy is there should i end up needing it. i hate hate hate these insane mood swings and would just be grateful, assuming they don't go away, to feel a bit more balanced.

would you believe baby has fallen asleep in my arms while i type. now i feel i should keep going forever just to keep him quiet. so, attempt to put him down and risk waking him and having to deal with more screaming, or just keep holding him and go and put the tv on or something...?

NL - have read parts of your thread with empathy and interest. Sorry to hear you're having difficulties.

Have you tried swaddling?

Was just going to suggest that Bramshot!!

How about a dummy???? Helped my ds a lot.

You really do have my sympathy....the first few months of my sons life were the worst of mine....and it took me a long time to admit that to myself

He was very poorly as a baby and was "difficult" and only slept in 40 minute bursts throughout the day and night.

He was very much wanted, like your baby, but if someone had offered to adopt him in those first weeks I would have signed the papers without hesitation!!!

He is nearly 5 years old now and the chief joy of my life

Don't know if this helps but the best bit of advice we were given was to swaddle our baby. Changed our worlds. She wouldn't stay asleep for more than 10 mins, then someone came and swaddled her in a light sheet/blanket thing and she fell asleep in my arms, I put her down, and had lunch, and a cuppa, and a nap...it was a total revelation!! She was swaddled overnight for the first 4 months.
Another tip that helped us, is that if you know they're not hungry (I also gave up bf so with the bottle I knew exactly how much she'd had), you know they've got a clean nappy, and you know they must be tired (newborns really can't stay awake that long, they get overtired) then you don't need to feel even slightly guilty about putting them down in their bed and walking away, even if they're still crying. Go somewhere where you can't hear him, and go back to him after 10 mins, you might be completely shocked to find him asleep! (but make sure you can't hear for those 10mins, coz it'll feel like hours and hours if you can).
If that's no help, then please ignore, its just what worked for us and we're really enjoying our 10 months old now.

becaroo, i had to smile at the adoption comment: right now my much wanted baby would be at the front of the queue... sorry to hear of the tough time you had, especially as your little man was so poorly. it must have been hell on all levels.

my ds currently in my arms - and yes, swaddled like crazy - with eyes closed and mouth open looking for all the world like the most peaceful, angelic baby ever. but the second i try to put him down...

would the fact he sleeps when i hold him suggest to you that this is not colic? (ie the griping, crying all night)

tonight's coping strategy: don't think beyond tonight (that's how I ended up nearly having a meltdown this morning after the sleepless night before) and expect no sleep. if your expectations are rock bottom it surely would be hard for it to get any worse...?

best coping strategy by far: to post on here...

swaddling worked for us as well (although we came to the idea late, after my mum kindly sent us a copy of the Harvey Karp book (can't remember title). The putting baby on its side on your arm and making ssshing noises loudly in its ear thing worked quite well too.

normal, normal, normal....

I remember thinking 'what the F** have I DONE?? - I have just made the worst mistake of my life' after having DS1.

It gets better rapidly!!..and then worse again.. and then better again..and so on ..until suddenly you have a wonderful interesting clever amusing little person in the house telling you what they did at school that day and think ...how did THAT happen??

TBH I wish the midwives and ante natal people would warn you about it a bit more! I can't believe anyone is unaware that pain is involved in childbirth, but hardly anyone I know was aware of the feeling of being totally overwhelmed by it all and the SHOCK to the system of having your first child. Your second is different. You know what to expect, but this time you have the first one to look after too. I know a woman who has 8 kids. the last two being twins. Whenever I am having a hard day I think of her!

Best of luck... and many congrats!! .

Oooh I second the dummy suggestion, funny how all those things escape your memory! I was the most anti-dummy person on the planet until I had a baby, and now I'm unashamed to admit that I love it. Absolutely nothing soothes her like a dummy. SHe'll go days without needing one now, but if there's a random 4am screaming fit, its the only thing that will do. The first time we gave her one I felt like such a failure, but she sucked it, fell asleep, spat it out, and stayed asleep. Hooray! Worth it in my mind, and i'm sure she'll be weaned off before she starts school!

carrieon, i might just try that. he's giving me backache and my arm has gone numb. i just daren't put him down but maybe i should try it and steel myself for 10 mins. if he's still screaming at the end of that what's the next step - picking him back up again? I'm terrified of giving myself another problem, ie he's screamed so much he's given himself a load of wind or something.

NL, swaddling also helped with mine (until suddenly one day they hated it, but hey, it worked for a few weeks )

Also a small radio for those graveyard shifts, so you know someone's out there, even if it is only the World Service

If ds has fed and has a clean nappy but is not settling, he may need to be winded. I was always amazed by how much mine needed it - lots of back-rubbing and walking round and round in ever-decreasing circles. I also found that when I switched from bfeeding to formula it got worse and Infacol seemed to help (it may be sold under a different name in Oz).

And after 1 month I think they can have gripe water, which definitely helped. .

But just keep posting under relevant topics on here and you'll get masses of good (and conflicting) advice. We are all thinking of you and I for one am checking my contraception .

what sort of delivery did you have? You could try cranial osteopathy (spelling?) Sometimes bits of babys neck and head get stretched too much (or something - not too sure tbh) in birth and this needs to be manipulated back. You could do a search on here - if you can spell it better than me

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Has anyone mentioned white noise? Hoover, extractor fan, hairdryer etc worked wonders for my LO.

PS as everyone has said, totally normal feelings. I was thinking of this thread when I walked out at lunch time and saw a lady with a tiny baby and I had pangs of 'ooh I want one' see you do forget it.

marge2 i quite agree that this should be discussed in antenatal classes. it's so focused on the birth and breastfeeding - but what about the raft of emotional issues that go with dealing with a newborn? and what to expect? it's barely touched on, if at all.

yes i've been sticking a dummy in his mouth when all else fails. any pc bones in my body disappeared rapidly when he started his nocturnal screaming. he does lose them all the time though. last night at 5am in desperation i had him lying on the bed with me, wedged to my chest in a vice like grip with me holding the dummy in place. he did eventually go off to sleep like that. i didn't as it was so bloody uncomfortable but at least it was peaceful!

legalalian, thanks for explaining the CAT thing. will investigate.

My daughter used to spit the dummy out every 2 seconds. She loved swadalling and just brought the blanket a bit higher so it kept the dummy in. Worked like a dream.

another suggestion (full of them today), you might want to try putting your little finger in his mouth in substitution for the dummy (sounds a bit yucky but ok from baby's perspective, only for a brief period, and you don't have to worry about locating / losing dummies for ever after).

mellowma ditto re another five weeks of this to go? that's why i am trying to just think about tonight...

peatbog, radio is a good suggestion. thanks. also white noise gingerninja. what i would really love is to be a multimillionaire and to employ a norland nanny in crisp uniform to make it all go away...

northernlurker, i had natural deliver with suction cap. baby had huge bruise on his head for days. perhaps something in that. thanks.

ok, here we go. going to bite the bullet and put him in his bassinet. then walk back up here with fingers in ears, take deep breath and give it ten mins... will keep you posted.

It is hard! But it will get easier...

Swaddling is brilliant. It really helped dd2. Also, I know some people dont like it but routine and proper structured feeding times helped.

It's all such hard work but you will get there in the end!

Yes - swaddling - Isn't it amazing how fast you forget?

Swaddling worked miracles for both my DSs.

Try it!