Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

neuroticlady, re: your last post. Don't worry. You are never going to seriously harm your baby. I remember once almost shoving my ds1 down into his moses basket when he wouldn't settle and he hit the mattress pretty hard, went silent from shock, then bellowing. I felt totally awful like you. You just have to find ways to avoid the baby becoming the target of your frustration, anger, exhaustion etc. Take it out on the furniture, or go into another room and scream.
Is there anywhere in the house you can go where you don't hear him crying? It makes the world of difference if you can sit somewhere for 10 minutes where you can't hear them, even if they are still crying/screaming. My kitchen used to be my haven with ds1 (who never settled during the day). That small period will not harm your baby but will give you enough peace to calm down, have a cup of tea, read one news article, whatever, and take away the resentment you sometimes feel towards your baby.
Maybe other mumsnetters will not approve of this next piece of advice but maybe even take a quick walk around your block for 10 minutes when you feel like that and leave the baby crying in his cot. Sometimes you need that space if you think you're about to snap and they won't stop crying. Better you calm down and leave baby crying for a teeny bit than you take it out on baby.

But don't worry about what happened. YOu didn't hurt your baby - you just gave him a bit of a shock.
There are always going to bad days. They just gradually get increasingly outnumbered by the good days.

Oh Nl, you really are doing so well, don't let one thing bother you too much. I spent hours settling ds when he was a baby, every time he cried I'd be in there to settle him. When dd came along there were times when I simply couldn't go to her and she'd scream blue murder for a few minutes while ds had his bedtime story etc. 9 times out of 10 she settled herself in those few minutes and I realised how much unneccessary stress that I had caused myself with ds. Just walk away sweetie.

I'm glad that other people helping with your db is starting to bother you, it sounds as though home isn't that much of a bad place at the mo for you.

Take care, we are here x

Hi NL,

Still thinking of you. Don't let one hard day get you down. I reckon it was almost a year before my PND really lifted and I started truly enjoying my son.

You are doing well so keep hanging in there.

PP

Confession time - I've also put my son into his cot rather firmly while shouting "why won't you just f*king go to sleep?" Gave him the shock of his tiny life and he wailed - and so did I. It's more common that people would probably let you know. My mum admits she did something similar with my brother.
I haven't read all your posts (this a monster thread!) but just wanted to let you know that it happens. There is nothing as stressful as a crying baby. You didn't hurt your son and you won't. If it happens again, take a deep breath and walk away. You'll find ways to cope with it and it will get easier, I promise. Accept help when it's offered and make time for yourself to relax (ha, yes, easier said than done I know, but just don't feel like you have to be superwoman)

Have you got a baby sling thing? Mine both slept like logs in them, especially if you get a hippy one which is just a long piece of material. It's like being pregnant again but you can see it's little face when you look down. Also your dh can be pregnant too while you have a shower!

Mine was called a hugabub, I think it's an Australian make actually. It's the best thing I ever bought.

NL - have to post very quickly as have promised dd we're going out. I think most people would, if pushed, confess to doing pretty much exactly what you did. It feels horrible and stomach-churning to think about it, but it is quite normal - accompanied by swearing in my case, like HensMum. You are, therefore, acting like a pretty normal mother. And you have guests with 2 toddlers! That is pretty tiring at the best of times. Give yourself a break, missus - and block out a few weekends ahead for quiet time.

put him in a sling. the wrap type ones so hes snug an d close and supported and leave him in all day, he ll be calmer , they lov eit, i wish id found these sooner when i had my first..im onto my third!! big hugs to you too, its tough being a parent and youre not alone when you say you wish youd neve rhad him and your old life looks rosier,ive been through it too,

Hi everyone, thanks for the words of support following my low day where I lost it with the baby. You have been so non-judgemental, and your support has really helped me to 'confess' to the worst of my actions, and sharing stuff I am not proud of definitely helps.

The house has felt very quiet since SIL and kids left. We miss them. The baby loved the noise and energy in the house. It had a profound effect on DH, who has up until now never shared my yearning to be back near our families. But we talked about it one night while they babysat for us (one of the many great things about having those you love and trust around you) we've made a huge decision: we're coming home.

We're keeping the house in Australia and we intend to return to Oz at some point, but right now we just want our baby to know his extended family. We're very lucky to have incredibly enthusiastic grandparents on both sides of the family, along with aunts and uncles, plus lots of cousins for the baby to get to know and play with. And it just seems crazy to be over here, separated from them all.

I know Australia offers a wonderful lifestyle. But I miss, miss, miss our families so very much. I have come to see that so much of the trauma of the first few weeks and the terrible depression that overtook me has been down to being so far away from my family. I have felt so isolated, so without support, so unable to even pick up the damn phone for a chat because the time difference is nearly always against me. Just today I got really stressed at having to deal on my own with taking the baby for his four month vaccinations while the dog lay slowly choking on something in the back of the car. She started struggling to breathe just as I was preparing to leave the house to go to the doctors with the baby. So I had to drag her into the car, dash into the doctors, then race her to the nearest vets while the baby screamed after his jabs. My point? I have nobody to fall back on in moments of crisis, however minor. It has taken a move halfway around the world to make me appreciate just what my family means to me. And now that we have made the decision, I feel the most enormous sense of relief.

Of course, I'm making it all sound so simplistic, which of course it won't be. I have friends here, and I will have to start all over again back in the UK, as we won't be living in the same part of the country that we left. Then there's DH, who I know deep down is doing this for me, and with a heavy heart. He loves it here, far more than me. So there's going to be all sorts of guilt issues ahead for me to deal with, every time there's a horrible cold, rainy winter's day and we know the sun will be shining in Australia; every month when we fork out for rent and we know we have a beautiful home back in Sydney. Every time we hear about days our friends have had at the beach while we shiver indoors!

But this is how I am attempting to justify it: we now have dual nationality so we know we can come back to all that Australia has to offer, but we can't replace grandparents that won't always be around. And if we only end up being back in England for a couple of years, I will never regret time spent with our families, getting to know our baby, and him getting to know them.

I feel as if I am counting down the days now. My aim is to be back home before his first birthday. I just hope DH doesn't get cold feet...

Hi NL,

Great decision! This is something I have been grappling with as well... There is absolutely no harm in moving back to the UK for a while to see how things go. You might love it, you might hate it but you will never know till you go. If you lose some money in the process, it's only money, you will always earn it back.

My DS is just over 3 months and I have been so down since his birth as well due to me being in the UK while my family is in Asia. I am going back with him in 2 weeks for 3 weeks to see my family with my DH's blessing as he knows how tough it has been for me without the support of my family. And we are going back as a family for a month in September and we will see how things go then... Both DH and I have jobs we love here and it would be difficult to make the decision to give all that up BUT I am going to try and see how things go in June and September before we make any decisions. Best of luck to you, you deserve it!

Ax

NL I have not posted yet because I had no pearls of wisdom to offer you but I have read in tears at times. And I'm so pleased that your DH has agreed to give it a shot going back home. I'm sure a) having a focus, a kind of cut-off date and then b) being so much nearer to family will really help you turn a corner, though you have come so far already.
I hope it all works out and you get to come home asap!

Wow, NL. That is a big decision. But it sounds like a positive one - you've all been through so much on your own and it is so hard to deal with a new baby on your own, never mind with PND. You'll need gentle plans to get you through the rainy days here, but there's sunshine and fun and friends and family in the UK too, and you know it's not forever. Good luck with it all - keep posting!

Absolutely normal.

It doesn't last long, honest!

Ask for and get all the help (midwife, health visitor, friends, family) you possibly can. Even if it's just a supportive phone call home - don't be too proud to admit how tough it is.

In a few weeks time it will all be 100 times better, really. My first born was awful for 2 weeks till I followed a routine but you have to just do what works for you.

Give DH a hug and when you get that first smile (even if it is just wind) it will all be worthwhile. I meant the baby's smile, of course...!

bella - might help to scan the thread a bit for this one...

Yup,I know, I'm sorry - I didn't realise there were 28 pages!

Easily done, bella!

I mean not realising!

Hi NL - I'm really glad you've been able to come to a decision.

Interestingly, one of my closest friends went out to live in NZ with her husband. They settled well initially, but once she was pregnant, she missed her family and friends unbearably. Once her baby was born, I think it really came home to her how isolated she felt, and how much she wanted to share the baby with her whole family. They returned home when the baby was about a year old and have never regretted it. They now have 2 children and talk about living abroad again when both children are older.

NL...wonderful news....so glad you and dh have made the decision together. I dont know what I would have done without the support of my family. Welcome home.

28 pages? Is that how much I've droned on? And I'm not done yet. How lovely to read a 'welcome home' message - and to see all your lovely words of encouragement re: our decision to come back to England. I know plenty of people think we're mad. But I am absolutely convinced it is the right thing to do. It can't happen soon enough for me.

Especially as I feel as though I am sliding again. I am not enjoying this again. I'm finding it hard, a real grind, a struggle to wade through each day, the endless chores, and on not much sleep. I don't know why or how I have gone from genuinely starting to enjoy it all a few weeks ago to feeling very rocky, teary and flat again now. I suppose one of the reasons is getting zero time to myself - that's why I hardly ever post, not because I don't want to. Our baby is four months old now and not one who is happy to amuse himself for a bit. Nor is he a brilliant sleeper - I'm still up several times in the night, feeding and settling. And during the day he does a sleep cycle, around 45 mins, then he's off. Sometimes I manage to resettle him, sometimes I end up putting him in the sling, and sometimes (like today) he ends up absolutely screaming, only to need to go back to bed again. So it's virtually impossible to get a rest. I never, ever sleep during the day. With no help, two dogs, piles of dirty washing and all the other essential stuff that needs dealing with each day, it just doesn't happen. I know this will improve when I go home and I have some support nearby, so why am I feeling so miserable and finding it so hard? It feels like each week I take one step forward and two back. Is that a familiar pattern with PND, I wonder: that it comes in waves, or does that sound familiar to anyone else and just part of the general scheme of things when dealing with a baby? Sorry for moaning, AGAIN. I really thought it was all getting better, and it's really alarming me to be feeling this rough about it all again. Roll on England... x

Oh great news that you're coming home!! Although, have you seen the weather forecast for the British summer??

Just read your recent posts. I really relate to everyrthing you're saying. I have been rough with our son and snapped at him when I shold have been comforting him. Nothing to actually hurt him physically (and I hope not mentally!) but enough to scare myself more than anything. It's such an awful awful feeling but please don't dwell on it. You did not harm him, just shocked him a bit but he won't remember. I came to recognise the warning signs of when I was losing my patience and always manage to remove myself from the situation now. It's something I'm terribly ashamed of but know that I would never do it now.

I hope you are soon feeling strong again. We all go through ups and downs but I'm sending u hugs. x

Thanks for your honesty meandmyjoe. I've been thinking about you, and wondering how you're going. I need to get on top of those warning signs too and put him back in his cot and walk away when I feel like I am about to lose it. I haven't done that since but I'm back in that place of feeling worried about being left with him for hours on end with DH at work as he's being such a pain at the moment (poor thing, I know he's not doing anything deliberately).

Becaroo, meant to say how much you cheered me up by saying you don't know what you would have done without the support of your family. So many people make me feel as if I should be able to go it alone and be grateful for living somewhere picturesque and sunny, so I end up feeling guilty and inadequate simply for wanting to be around my family. Thank you for reminding me it's normal to want their support!

And Littlefish, I am so glad you told me about your friend who came home from NZ and has had no regrets. It's just what I need to hear. I get so excited just thinking about being near everyone again. Just got to get on with it for a few more months - should be back by next Feb, we hope.

Today, as I cursed the fact I hadn't had a second to do anything (and I feel like I shouldn't be sitting here doing this when I could be in bed getting some sleep before the night shift) I started to seriously question whether I am cut out to have children. Is it me, or is it my circumstances? Do I really, fundamentally not like being a mother or is it more that I feel so isolated it's making me not enjoy being a mother? Time, and a move back to England, will tell, I guess.

On a completely shallow note, I also can't wait to come home for M&S prawn and mayo sarnies....

Hi, I haven't read the whole thread, but enough to get the gist, and everything you're saying about how you feel and just how damn hard and unrelenting and unrewarding it all is is very familiar to me and I'm sure to a lot of other new mums.

The only way to get through is to take one day at a time and remember that everything to do with the baby is a phase and will pass. You don't have any family there but can you pay for some help? A cleaner? A mother's help/nanny? Just for a few hours a week to give you a break? I'd say from the sound of your posts it would be money well spent just so you feel a bit happier.

You might be able to find a backpacker who would help you out for not too much ££££ if you advertise in a local hostel/cafe etc.

dear Neurotic Lady
I have not posted on this thread before but I have been following it. We have a 9 week old baby and also live away from home.
Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I think you are doing a fantastic job and, quite apart from the fact that you are clearly a thoughtful and caring parent, plus your heroic battle with PND (and it sounds like you ARE slowly winning that battle), I think you should be very proud that you have inspired and created this thread - 26 pages of support and honesty which I am positive hundreds of women are reading and taking comfort from. It is a huge achievement, so well done to you.
Also, congrats on moving back to the UK :-) prawn cocktail crisps too...mm... that's what I miss...

Hi again.

I have also questioned whether I was cut out to be a mother. I now know I was meant to be a mother but ds just wasn't the sort of baby I planned on having!

He is still a handful even at 9 months but on the whole I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. He seems a lot happier to be mobile although is now frustrated at not being able to walk so still doesn't like to sit still for too long before whingeing to be carried. I think the main thing is he just needs lots of stimulation and changes of scenery to keep him calm. He doesn't scream and cry incessantly anymore though, more just whinges for attention and knows exactly what he wants but can't communicate it properly which clearly pisses him off!

How is the reflux? Does the medication seem to be doing any good? Sorry to hear the nights are still not so good. That's one thing that has gone a bit tits up here too! He used to be an angel at night, I'd pop him in his cot at 7:30pm and he'd sleep through til 8am. Now separation anxiety and teething mean I'm lucky if he sleeps til 5am and often wakes up for a cuddle around 1am and doesn't want to be put down again. I know it's just a phase which peaks around 9-12 months but it's so so hard so I sympathise with you hugely!

I hope you are still trying to get out and about a lot. I found it murderous when dh was at work and I had nothing to look forward to but pacing the floor with ds. It was awful as he didn't even like going in his pram or the carseat so I was housebound and it drove me insane. He's still not keen on the car for some odd reason but we manage to time long journeys around his naps usually! If your ds is OK with going in the pushchair and car then keep getting out and about. I still take the sling out with me under the pushchair just incase he kicks off and wants to be carried!

Well, not much to add really just wanted to send you best wishes. I'm sure you are meant to be a mother and I know you can't see it yet but you are doing a fantastic job. It's the hardest job in the world especially when you have a rather grumpy or unsettled baby. I hated every day of it for the first 6 months, barely functioned for the first 4-5 months! I still have days when I count down to bedtime but I know I would not swap him for the world (unless someone offered me one of those really placid angel babies )

Keep on going, 5 months has flown by (again I know it won't seem like it for you) You'll be fine. x

I haven't posted on this thread before but I've read some of it and I think that you are a very honest and brave lady. It's great that you have made a decision that has a positive, tangible goal at the end of it, which should help you both emotionally and psychologically.

I think many mums find parenting so tough in our 'western' culture because we are mostly socially isolated from any kind of community. We live in our own closed-off houses, generally with only one other adult - who is usually out at work all day. In this type of unconnected environment, it is really not surprising that parenting is so difficult. Contrast this with a more 'traditional' culture where there is always a relative or a neighbour on hand to look after a crying baby, making the process of raising a baby a shared, community experience.

I hope the move back to the UK works out for everyone and that your dh adapts quickly - but as you say, you can always return to Australia at a later date.