I am SO fed up with todder politcs. Kids hit. They wind each other up. Its life.

[Fonk]

We as parents sort it out and discipline as we feel best for the kid.

Sometimes this will not be in front of everyone. I am not going to scream at my 3 yo because it gives a middle aged woman with a sobbing PFB sactisfaction. I will discipline in my own way, in my own time. I know what works for my kid.

It doesn't mean we don't care.

What really really gets me, more than anything, is when this translates into bad feeling between parents.

IME, when a kid hits another, the parent of the hitter feels like crap and they actually could do with a bit of support too. not so much a whispering campaign.

And it is exhausting

oh I hate soft play and am in a foul mood, and don't get why this week, as soon as I spend a second with dd, ds has to whack the nearest older girl in a frilly dress with a bouncer father. Actually I do but-aargh

(its filly btw.)

pmsl

thanks custy

I have started another thread

Sorry JimJams. Even though it was a while ago, I still remember ds going on and on about it for days afterwards. Once he gets the bit between his teeth he will not let it go...

That's why I was touchy. Forgive me.

(And actually, it was a child at toddler group, so I knew both mother and child, so every time we say him for the next week ds would bring it up again, and I ended up apologising a lot)

MY KID DOESN'T HIT

HE HIT 4 TIMES IN THE PAST WEEK

oh ffs

Filly - sorry I misunderstood, I thought you were saying there is absolutely no point to saying anything at all at the scene. I understand what you are saying now.

Only today I was thinking that sometimes it is just pointless going out with ds. Went to lovely coffee shop and he practically was climbing up the walls to touch colourful objects hanging from ceiling ! I was so embarrassed, had to ask woman to do take away coffee and cake only 5 mins. after sitting down !

Hope your ds gets healthy soon, Filly !

Filly - I agree with you that you don?t have to apologise to the other?s parent. In fact you might be right and if the bitten child is immediately comforted by his mum then perhaps nothing else needs doing. He doesn?t need to be overwhelmed with lots of people telling him biting isn?t nice etc. Hmm, I don?t know. We also want our children to feel genuine remorse when they?ve done something bad and be able to comfort others, so we have to start modelling at some stage. Although not modelling an over-reaction. E.g. if a child is pushed but doesn't fall down is that better than if he's pushed and falls down (maybe caught in an unstable position)? The shove might have been the same. Gets too complicated.

When DS went through this stage (something I?d conveniently forgotten until now as he?s 7 but my DD is 2 and she?s been on the receiving end) I?d focus on the other child (i.e. tell him I was sorry he got hurt etc). I think I read that one up in Taming toddlers and, although I?d now disagree with the reasoning behind it (i.e. that hitting is attention seeking so if your child wants attention than you shouldn?t give it to him, give it to the other child instead), it worked. I?m sure I can re-work that reasoning into something else that I?d agree with nowadays.

ah don't worry it wasn't you yr

how old is yours, 2 1/2? That is a hard age IIRC. It will get better

steiner groups are good IMO, very understanding....

gavce up halfway through

but -- what franny said

esp re biting

also hate the pfb term

Oh god, we've all been there.

Well, apparently those who bring up their children properly haven't, but we lesser mortals certainly have.

Dd is going through it right now, and she is on the large side and tends to send other children flying if she so much as nudges them.

I spend most of my time apologising - or socialising only with like-minded parents...

NONONO I think you should apologise. I mean, tactfully.

but I apologise for EVERYTHING. And so does ds. Its a family trait. I swear he looks for things to say sorry for, so as to start conversations with strangers and get sweeties

you know...my slightly loopy take on this is your book's fault...and hows the phd?

He is 2.8 yo - too bloody energetic for going on 40 mum

its hard

ds was energetic

I think the hitting thing may not have been an issue cos we never went anywhere indoors (muddypuddles are your friends)

oh and when we went out-starbucks. Child friendly and anyway they are an evil overpriced corporation so I don't mind if my kids drop a teacup or something so much (would be in paroxyms of apologies if in a small friendly teashop.)

Yes, small friendly coffee shop, lovely Italian women who always go on about my gorgeous bambino, etc....

Lol at evil corporation - gosh they are at every corner these days !

(((((Fonk))))))
hear hear...couldn't agree more wiht you!

An interesting thread. I have to say that I agree with Twiglett, and think that as mums we need to remember that we are bringing up children as part of a society, not in a vacuum. The trouble with saying that a mother will punish her child later in her own way, is that she is showing a complete lack of respect for the child who has been hurt. I'm not talking about the parents here, but the child. If a child hurts another child and it goes completely unacknowledged, then it is tantamount to saying to the injured child that it doesn't matter.
What also annoys me is that if my daughter gets hit by a child, she will often hit back (sometimes immediately, sometimes later) but how am I supossed to discipline her, if the child who repeatedly hits her appears to her to go unpunished?

No it is not about pleasing other parents, but I do believe that it is about living in a community, and that means if a child has been hurt, then that should be acknowledged - whether the child is made to say sorry, whether that is removing the child and punishing him / her or it could even be the mother saying to the injured child that they will be telling the hitter off. To me, that is just common decency and respect.

oh i give up, I really do

I agree with that rarrie

kids have to learn to deal with other kids. So sometimes other kids are not going to be all sweetness and light, and sometimes our kids are going to be bitey/kicky/whiney/whatever? thats life. Better to let 'em to deal with tricky situations from both sides than not imo (with guidance/support etc) Kids are going to scrap and cry at some point, whatever you do.

when DS went through this phase he got taken off the play area for a sit down and quiet five minute chat immediately (and it was soft play areas that triggered it, swear its something in the foam) and that was that. What I hate is when you see a mother, obv at wits end with other maternal diapproval, haranging the kid for just being a kid. Make your point and let it go sez I.

Over the years, I have found the best way to say sorry to parents of the child being hit is to do so while you are walking away from
them. Whatever the situation, your body language needs to convey the 'sorry' from you is the end of the matter, not the cue for the other parent to start a conversation about it. And if my 'sorry' gets a 'don't worry, we've all been there' type of response, I warm to the other parent such a lot. I don't expect it, but it is very nice when it happend.

Someone further down the thread said that they really don't like seeing the hitter happy and smiley afterwards. Hmmm, don't know about that one. I do think an instant word of discpline/taking child away from situation for a few minutes is important, but if my 3 year old didn't react with tears and frowns, I would not push it. If he was happy with the game he was playing (assuming the hitting incident was more a combination of overexcitement/clumsiness/ accident), I would not persist with the telling off till he was unhappy and tearful. In the end IMO it's best for everyone if all the children, including the hitter, are happy and smiley together.

Tatt, I do find it sad that you seem to blame the mother if a 2 and 1/2 year old is a hitter. Then you go on to say if the child gets over this, you'd put this down to the influence of other people, not the mother.
Poor mother gets all the blame and none of the praise!

Tigermoth, you said that well
And isn't it typical...if things go wrong, of course everyone blames it on the mum, if things go well...it's everybody but the mom that can have their pat on the back!
I have had my fair share with crappy m&t's and softplay...my ms is a very lifely child and went through nightmare phases...and isn't an angel, but definately o.k. now when going out to htings like that....ys is completely different and nothing to worry about, indeed he tend to be the victim of other children...often, oddly enoguh those that used to be the victim of my ms....thing is...whereas with ms there was this huge fuss created and I was told that he obvioulsy had behavioural problems..yaddayaddayadda, I am not told, that there child is just going through a phase...which I believe is true...however, it would be nice if someone would say, and sorry we overreacted back then